"Lord I believe, but help my unbelief!"

I've been struggling today to decide where to draw the line between my sharing my story through my blogging and keeping my story and fertility struggles private. I'm not an overly private person and often launch into TMI with random people who are probably thinking "Oh my goodness, I did NOT ask to hear all that!" On the other hand, fertility is a very intimate thing. The act of conceiving a child is meant to be shared between a husband and wife in private. Unfortunately for us, that's not how our lives have played out (but trust us we would much rather it be that way!) I started to fear that I may be sharing too much information and should hold back a little. Secretly, the main reason for my sudden nervousness and concern is that I started worrying if people would be judging me for sharing so much. What if they think that I should keep it private? What if they think I'm using my struggles to gain attention in some twisted way?

After much thought, I remembered that I very clearly felt God calling me to share my story after Kinley's death. It took me awhile to get to the point that I was ready to actually start blogging, but through conversations with people and even facebook, I started sharing our journey right away. It's still amazing and humbling to me that God could use me through our pain, but I've heard from enough of you that I really feel like He is. Of course, I'm just a vessel and I'm trying my hardest to let His Spirit speak through me. I also said from the beginning that I wanted to be open and honest, so I feel like I should also let my flesh show as well. No matter how hard I try to "die to my flesh", I'm still human and I still hurt and get angry. I want to continue to be honest. More selfishly, I think you can all pray for us better if you know exactly what we're going through and how to pray.

So, I'm planning to continue to share our journey in it's entirety. With that being said, we got some news today that we could really use some prayer about. I saw my doctor this morning and the following things came out of our meeting:

1. I'm in need of another surgery to remove my endometriosis. Although I just had one done in March, I had some blood work that indicated that the endometriosis has returned. It greatly decreases your chance at becoming pregnant, so we feel like we should move forward with another surgery. I'll be having that surgery on Tuesday morning at UT Medical Center. We would appreciate your prayers that all would go well and that they would be able to remove as much of the disease as possible and make any necessary repairs.

2. I also had some blood work done that indicates that my ovarian reserve is low. Basically, I have a low egg count. I haven't responded well to stimulating medication, so the doctor has suspected this. Because of the blood work, he feels that my time for having children is probably limited. He suggests that we move ahead with an IVF cycle as soon as possible. He said that he would typically be fine with a patient my age waiting 2, 4,or even 6 years to try IVF, but does not think that would be a good idea for us. It seems that our window for having babies is going to be much smaller than that of most women. The problem with that is that we don't have the money for the $11,000 IVF procedure. We'll be looking into some financing options, but could really use your prayers for wisdom and guidance as we make our decisions.

3. With the new information, I'm feeling in an almost constant state of panic. Although I've had the surgery before, I'm nervous about it and what they might find this time. I'm fearful that we won't be able to do the IVF soon enough or that it won't work if we do get the chance to try it. All of this coupled with the fact that today is the first day of September and Kinley's birthday is fast approaching, and I could really use your prayers!!

My thoughts today keep coming back to this "Lord I believe, but help my unbelief!!"

"Special Place"

In case you hadn't heard the drama, when I got home to "check" Kinley's gravestone before allowing it to be set, I discovered that it was wrong! We had gone back and forth several times because I thought from the drafts that the feet were being enlarged. I finally approved a draft only because we wrote directly on the form that the feet were to be the EXACT size of her actual footprint. Here is the original stone with Kinley's actual footprints next to the ones that were put on the stone...

I realize that in your rational mind, this really shouldn't be THAT big of a deal. We could be refunded the money and start over or we could try to have an artist fix the stone. I handled it pretty well on the outside, but on the inside something started brewing! It bothered me that her 1st birthday was approaching and the stone still wouldn't be there. I had worked so hard and taken so long to have it just how I wanted it and I just wanted it done and right! The product of the stress and emotion that began forming when I saw the stone done incorrectly can be read in my previous post!

After checking with other companies and worrying and fretting, we finally decided to have the middle of the stone polished down and have an artist come in to try to hand-etch the footprints. I was worried about the sizing and thought there might be too much space between the words for such tiny feet, but agreed to meet with the artist to discuss the options. We mainly chose this because we were promised that if we went this route the stone would be set on Saturday.

On Thursday morning I met with the artist. The artist and I decided to add a simple bow around the outside of the circle in order to fill in some space. In just a couple of hours the stone was finished and I went back to check it. I was shocked and amazed by the wonderful job that she did!!! She did an awesome job of getting the tiny details of Kinley's feet perfect. On Saturday morning the stone was set. Here is the product of all the time and stress...

The detail on her feet turned out so wonderfully! It really looks exactly like the footprint that I gave her to use as her guide.

We were also able to get some great shots of Brenna with her baby cousin's stone, as well as one with Mommy!

The Product of Kinley's Life...

Sometimes "dark days" come at times that I expect them to...Kinley's due date, the 24th of the month, holidays. Then there are the times that they hit me like a giant boulder right over the top of my head. Suddenly I realize I'm on the edge of being in a very, very bad place. Unfortunately, by this point, it's usually too late to do anything about it. I just have to start praying and determine in my mind that I've come this far and I won't give up now.

I guess that I should have predicted the emotion of Saturday, but I really had no idea it would hit me as hard as it did. Friday night I barely slept at all. The next morning, Kinley's stone would be set at the cemetery. My mind switched between racing a million miles a minute and going completely numb and empty. The next morning it would be so final. All of my planning, deciding, and choosing would be over. The headstone was the last remaining "project" I had to do for Kinley. I had set so many goals for myself, that it had really become a coping mechanism. ...Just get through the labor and delivery, that was all I thought about;
...Just plan the service and make sure that it is as perfect as it could possibly be;
...Just keep the gravesite cleaned up and "decorated" for the seasons because there was nothing else there to commemorate her;
...Just design the headstone to my exact liking...

Now what? I have purchased the only gift that I will ever give her. It's like every Christmas and birthday rolled into one day. This was it. I wish so desperately that I could give her something more, something better, but this is it.

Saturday morning I was exhausted from a total lack of sleep and right on the edge of a complete breakdown. Brenna and I stopped at Marsh to buy some flowers, then headed out to the cemetery. As we drove in I realized that the stone wasn't there yet. Great! More waiting! My parents and Jacob's parents arrived at the exact same time we did, and we all kind of wandered around for a little while, waiting to see if they would come to put in the stone.

As I walked around I read the headstones of so many other babies and young children (Kinley is buried in a "Baby Land". We liked the idea of her being with other babies who had gone too soon....And, by the way, when the ground opens up and the earthly bodies of those who have died are raised up to meet Jesus in the sky, I want to be right there among the little ones in "Baby Land". How wonderful would it be to watch EVERY grave crack open and every tiny little body be caught up with Jesus! Then, of course, I want to go too!) Anyway, as I walked around I suddenly became filled with fear and nervousness.

I read these stones and realized that all that most of the world will ever know of these babies is what is written on the stone that marks their final resting place. I often wander around reading other stones and wonder what the situation was and what the family was like. What if I didn't represent Kinley as well as I could have? What if her stone doesn't say anything? I mean it has words, but what if it doesn't really SAY anything to people? What if it doesn't show how deep our love for her is? What if it doesn't point people to the only reason that Jacob and I are still standing....Jesus? What if, in my final 'task' for her, I have failed? I felt the darkness closing even tighter around me. Because I felt this terror coming, I suggested we go to eat and then come back.

When we returned, the stone was set. It is beautiful....as beautiful as a monument for a child taken too soon could be. I felt peace again because it is exactly what I wanted it to be. Her tiny footprints represent just how small she really was and how short her time was, but also the fact that no matter how small, she left her mark on this world. The circle of white around the footprints is surrounded by a bow, a perfectly girly and precious addition that came only after the stone came in and was wrong at first (long story). The saying on the back sums up our feelings so well "Dear God, We never got to hold her in our arms and tell her about You, so please hold her in Your arms and tell her about us." The scripture on the back is Isaiah 11:6, Kinley's life scripture. It tells of the day when the world will be complete and perfect again, our hope for the future.

It was so nice to have our parents there with me, especially since Jacob couldn't be. We took some pictures, rearranged her "things", and admired the beauty of something that's just not beautiful. As they all left, I was left alone for a few minutes. I knelt in front of the stone to talk to my Kinley. I told her the same things that I tell her most of the times that I'm there. I told her how much I really love her and how much I miss her everyday. I told her that I think of her so often and that she'll always be my firstborn angel. That she'll always be so special to me. I also added that I wished I could have bought her something better (a Barbie jeep, a swing set, or trampoline some day) but instead this was all I could give her. I told her that I had done my best to make it special for her. Then I turned to walk away. Sitting in the car, I looked back and thought to myself "so, this is it, then, this is the product of Kinley's life....this is what we have of her?"

Almost immediately I heard in my heart a very strong "NO, it is not!" I knew that this engraved piece of stone was a symbol of Kinley's death, but the product of her life was so much bigger. The product of her life is in Jacob and I. The product of her life is the lives that she has changed. It's in the day that Brenna asked for the details of Heaven, knowing that's where Kinley was, and asked what she needed to do to go there too.
...A little girl (who happens to be the most important little girl living on this earth to me) giving her heart to Jesus in the Walmart parking lot....that is the product of Kinley's life.
...A cousin who gave her heart to the Lord at Kinley's service and is choosing to raise her children in the knowledge of Christ;
...A nurse who commented to another nurse that she wasn't a Christian, but that she felt the peace of Jesus as she walked past and into my hospital room;
...An aunt who said that she had always feared death, but that now some of the fear was gone, because Kinley is in heaven waiting and she looked forward to meeting her there;
...The emails and messages that I've received from so many of you that you have made changes in your own life, you have prayed more, you have sought after God with more fervor, you have soaked in the true miracles of your own children

.....these things are the product of Kinley's life.

"Thank You Jesus for letting me see glimpses of the beauty that you are making out of the ashes of our darkest days. Thank You for the glimpses of heaven that I see when I remember to stop and really look for them. Thank You that although I still have "dark days", You will accomplish what concerns me. You know that if I was given the choice, even knowing the good that would come of Kinley's death, I would still choose to have her with me. That's the heart of a hurting Mommy. You know that in my flesh I would choose to have this earthly journey be free from this pain, but that in my spirit I know that even in spite of my failings, You can and are making beauty from the ashes of my tragedy."

Isaiah 61:1-3
"He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn and provide for those who grieve in Zion - to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of His splendor."

Pictures to come soon of Kinley's "special place"...

11 Months

11 months ago at this time, I was laying in the hospital, laboring to give birth to a child who has already gone. I had no idea what the next 11 months would hold for me or how I would ever survive! Tomorrow morning, 11 months will have gone by since Kinley was born.

Boy do these "milestone" days hurt!! It's strange how it happens, but it's kind of a been a natural progression for me to have those really bad days start to slowly become fewer and further between. For me, it started out that I was counting it in days, I remember thinking I can't believe it's been 4, 7, or 10 days. Then there came a point a couple weeks in when I started counting by weeks. At that point, every Thursday was a terrible day. Every Wednesday night I started to dread the next day because I knew it meant that it had been another week that she had been gone. Then somewhere around 10-14 weeks, it changed again and I started to dread the 24th of every month. The 24th meant another month I'd lived without her. Now as I'm closely approaching the one year mark, I wonder if it will be the half year mark that will hit me the hardest.

I really think that God has helped me to progress through these stages as a natural part of grieving. Now, keep in mind, that everyday still has moments of hurt. There are still a million things that can ruin my day with no warning. I can see a baby that's about the same age as Kinley would be and just not be able to shake it. I can pass a pregnant lady who I think is about as far as I was or hear of someone having an ultrasound at 28 weeks and feel myself starting to lose control of my emotions. Or it can be a song or a smell that makes me think of the day I got to hold her. These days have started to spread out more too though. Tonight, I'm thanking God for doing the work to continuously heal my heart. It still hurts and I still cry myself to sleep often, but God's working!

My sweet McKinley,

Mommy loves you so very much and I miss you everyday. I wish that I could hold you one more time! I know that you're in a much better place than I am and that you wouldn't come back, even if you could, but I sure do miss you!!! I can't believe it's been 11 months since I felt you moving around in my belly. I can't believe how far I've come in that time. It's so hard to believe that someone who was only here for such a short time, could make such a huge impact.

I'm a better person because of you. You changed me in so many ways and made me into a more compassionate, more caring, and more thankful person. Someday, I'll be a better mommy because I had you. Most of all, you've inspired me to pursue a much deeper relationship with God. I'm relying on Him more, learning to trust in His timing, pursuing His will, and trusting Him with my whole heart largely because of the changes you caused in me. Nothing and no one on this earth is worth me losing the opportunity to spend eternity with you, worshiping our heavenly Father. Some days I feel like giving up, but there's nothing that can shake me enough to make me turn from Him. I'll see you soon my sweet angel...

I love you, and miss you so much!!
Mommy

P.S. I'm not the only one you've changed...there are so many of our friends and family members that are better people because of the short amount of time that we had with you!

Not Another Month of Trying....Please!

I was thinking today about some of the hardest parts about infertility. I know that many of you have never experienced infertility and you might not know what it's really like, so I wanted to take just a moment to describe a little bit about how it feels. Hopefully, if you ever have a friend or family member going through struggles with fertility, you'll know a little better how to respond. Here are some of my thoughts...

- First, there is a constant overwhelming fear that you will NEVER have a child of your own to hold. It's constantly in the back of your mind, whether you get good news or bad, you still can't shake the thought that it might not ever work. That fear is intermingled into every other part of the struggle.

- On top of that feeling, you deal with an all-consuming obsession with everything related to your fertility. If you're anything like me, you research the internet with any spare moment....can I eat something that will magically heal me? Is there a magic pill that I haven't tried yet? What about acupuncture or herbal treatments? You google every blood result and hope to find some woman somewhere in cyber space who has had a success with an IUI with three follicles and an estradiol level of 599....surely she's out there somewhere, right? Oh and what about the actual....uh....you know "act" of getting pregnant....maybe a different position will work? Maybe I should lay down with my legs elevated for an extra ten minutes? Maybe it's better in the morning, no the afternoon, no definitely right before bed... (Sorry, TMI, I know, but if you've been there, you know it's SO true!!)

- The first half of your cycle is spent dwelling on whether or not you will ovulate. If you're undergoing fertility treatments like injectable medication, this is even worse because you have bloodwork and ultrasounds every other day to analyze and obsess over. Will I have follicles? How many will there be? How many will get large enough? Are my levels high enough?

- Then comes the second half of your cycle, it's so much WORSE! It's the dreaded two-week wait. I'm convinced that this two weeks seems longer than the rest of your entire pregnancy. It drags on forever and ever and ever! You analyze every twinge, every possible symptom, every rise or fall in your temperature. (Yes, I've done the temperature charting and it only makes it worse, it's so all-consuming!!)

- Then comes the worst part of all, you've waited, you've fretted, you've spent the entire month hoping beyond hope, and it all ends. Either you take a pregnancy test and it's negative (which in all honesty isn't the end because you then convince yourself that it must be too early and it just hasn't implanted yet!) Or your dreaded menstrual period comes. Of course the fact that you're finding out that you're not pregnant comes at the absolute worst time possible....right when PMS has overtaken your entire body! You cry, you yell, you cry, you pout, you vow to never get your hopes up like that again, you cry! You get the point, right? It's terrible!!!

- Unfortunately, if you've been pregnant before, it doesn't really help! It adds the extra time and energy of trying to remember exactly how you got pregnant the first time. What was my temp on day 15, 21, 28? Did I take it easy between ovulation and my positive test? Did I eat something different, do something different, feel more relaxed? See....not helpful is it?

- Somewhere in the midst of all of this, you have to decide if you'll tell anyone you're "trying" or not. Neither option is good! If you don't tell, then you go through the disappointment alone. No one knows how you're hurting. If you do tell, then you have to tell everyone that it didn't work. No matter how many people you've already told that you're not pregnant, it hurts every single time.

Of course all of this is just the tip of the iceberg....there's a million more things I could write if I wanted. But I think you get the point.

I know this is kind of a downer of a post....sorry! But now I hope you have a little bit of understanding of what it feels like. So next time you start to say "it's okay, you're still young, you can try again next month..." you'll stop yourself and think of just exactly what another month of trying entails. Your best option is to just say, "I'm so sorry! I can't imagine how you must feel!" That will probably suffice for now, nothing else is really comforting.

By the way, if you've been through infertility, you probably found yourself chuckling a little as you read, thinking how silly it is, and yet feeling strangely comforted that you're not the only one doing all these things!