***I wrote this several weeks ago on an especially exhausting night and it came to mind tonight on another exhausting night, when I snapped at my two-year old and my husband, and my back is killing me from throwing it out hand-mopping my floors, and my stomach is rumbling and starving but the thought of eating makes me want to run to the bathroom to vomit! So I thought I'd share because maybe someone else is exhausted and BLESSED today too...
Tonight is one of those nights as a mom. One of THOSE nights. After saying to Emmy at least ten times to please sit still, my stomach literally could not take her wiggling and climbing any longer...I nearly catapulted from the recliner and into the bathroom where I started vomiting. It wasn't her fault at all of course. You could more easily blame it on her youngest sibling, a mere 7 weeks old and wreaking complete havoc on my newly pregnant (again) body.
Unfortunately, Emmy has been battling fear at bedtime. And so, the vomiting episode moments before bedtime only made for an even more dramatic bedtime. Luckily her daddy pried her away from me with the promise of spraying monster spray in all corners of the room before she had to climb into bed. So she pointed out where the monsters were lurking, he sprayed away, and I brushed my teeth even though I knew it was probably pointless and I'd be right back with my head in the toilet any minute.
We managed a few quiet moments to watch some tv together and Jacob fell asleep. Laying in bed listening to the cough of my sweet Alex made me brave the idea of moving, and possibly bringing on another rendezvous with the toilet, to go and check on her. She was snoring away, snot crusted to her face, but her teddy bear snuggled close and her little eyes closed tightly. I peeked quickly at Emmy to find she had wet the bed. Stripped sheets, washed her up, changed her pjs, got new sheets, kissed her sweet little face again, and headed back to my room.
After throwing up once more, I climbed back into bed. And I realized that I've never been more exhausted or happy in my entire life. Amidst this chaos, I know deep in my heart that I'm living my dream. It's the dream I had when I buried my first baby and then struggled to get pregnant with Emmy. It's the dream I had for so many long months but was scared to admit because I wasn't sure it would ever really come true. God has truly blessed me beyond what I could imagine!!! I can't explain the love I have for the 2-yr-old, suddenly scared of bed, always lively and often exhausting bundle of pure joy, or the chronically coughing, sweet as pure sugar and incredibly picky little 1 yr-old doll, or even the new little miracle, who has only been a reality to me for a few weeks, but who consumed my whole heart with the sound of that tiny little heart beating away. I couldn't explain it if I tried. But I don't have to, if you're a mom, you know. Every single part of this exhausting night was part of a dream that I was scared to even dream.
Thursday, December 11, 2014
Tuesday, April 23, 2013
Reality...
***I wrote this several nights ago and hadn't felt like it was the right time to post it. For some reason, today in the midst of trying to clean my house and keep both Bristol and (a now walking!) Emmy both alive, I felt like I needed to log in and post this. Maybe someone needs it today....***
If you have never experienced the loss of a child you probably won't understand this. You'll probably think I'm crazy. But if you have, I hope that it helps you to realize that you're not crazy. I'm writing this because I want someone to know that they're not the only person that feels this way or has these thoughts. So if you finish reading this and think I'm a complete nutball, that's fine, I wasn't writing it for you anyway! :-)
Here are some of the things that I'm plagued with because of experiencing a stillbirth...
On the day of my ultrasound a few weeks ago, I stood in the kitchen washing dishes and thinking about how I should clean the house up because if something was wrong or if my baby was dead, there would be people coming into the house and I wouldn't feel like cleaning up then. It should at least be presentable just in case...
On appointment days I think about if I really want to wear those clothes because if something happens, I won't ever be able to wear them again without thinking of the bad. I remember exactly what I was wearing the day we found out Kinley was gone. I cry when I come across it in the bin of maternity clothes. I don't wear my favorites to the doctor any more.
When working on pictures for Emmy's slideshow for her birthday, I seriously considered removing the picture in her 'Big Sis' shirt because if this baby dies that one picture will forever haunt me in the midst of what should be Emmy's video.
When visiting Kinley's grave I sometimes get a panic attack about how many more babies have been buried there, not only because I hurt for those families, but because the available plots are getting further and further away from Kinley, in case I ever need to bury another baby. Should I have purchased the one next to her just in case?
When I find out about people being pregnant, I sometimes feel afraid for them before I feel excited for them. Often my first thought is, 'Oh God, please don't let them go through what I've been through!'
I'm not crazy. I'm not twisted. I'm not morbid. I'm just forever changed. I'm scarred. I don't have to imagine the worst, because I lived the worst. And I live in fear that I'll live it again. I'm scared to pray for God's will because I'm afraid that His will might be that it happen to me again.
I've read all of the scriptures on fear. Trust me, I've looked them up! I don't need to be told that God has not given me a spirit of fear...
It's kind of like when I fell off the monkey bars as a kid and broke my arm...I never forgot that feeling. Even after the cast was gone, I still wasn't sure about getting back up on those bars again. I did get back up, but I was always cautious about it. And I always had the thought that the worst could happen in the back of my mind. Before that day, it had never crossed my mind! But after it happened, it could never be erased. It didn't keep me from being a kid, it didn't cause me to live my life in fear, but it did give me pause. The thoughts of falling still randomly crossed my mind with no warning.
I know that's a silly analogy, but you get the point. I am forever changed by Kinley and by her pregnancy. One thing that will never be the same for me is another pregnancy. I wish I could blindly glide through my pregnancy with excitement and joy and never even consider something being wrong. I did that with most of Kinley's pregnancy! But that is no longer my reality. My reality now is that I know the worst and those thoughts are forever popping into my mind with no warning.
The key for me is not to dwell there. That's not easy, but it's possible! I say a lot of quick prayers for peace! I recite those scriptures that are engrained in my head! And I remember that even though I would NEVER want to experience it again, I did survive losing Kinley. And if God called me to do it again, He would walk me through it again and I would survive. And just like I did last time, I'd come out on the other side a better person...more eternally minded, more aware of what's really important in life, less concerned with being who people want me to be and more concerned with being exactly what God has called me to be!
If you have never experienced the loss of a child you probably won't understand this. You'll probably think I'm crazy. But if you have, I hope that it helps you to realize that you're not crazy. I'm writing this because I want someone to know that they're not the only person that feels this way or has these thoughts. So if you finish reading this and think I'm a complete nutball, that's fine, I wasn't writing it for you anyway! :-)
Here are some of the things that I'm plagued with because of experiencing a stillbirth...
On the day of my ultrasound a few weeks ago, I stood in the kitchen washing dishes and thinking about how I should clean the house up because if something was wrong or if my baby was dead, there would be people coming into the house and I wouldn't feel like cleaning up then. It should at least be presentable just in case...
On appointment days I think about if I really want to wear those clothes because if something happens, I won't ever be able to wear them again without thinking of the bad. I remember exactly what I was wearing the day we found out Kinley was gone. I cry when I come across it in the bin of maternity clothes. I don't wear my favorites to the doctor any more.
When working on pictures for Emmy's slideshow for her birthday, I seriously considered removing the picture in her 'Big Sis' shirt because if this baby dies that one picture will forever haunt me in the midst of what should be Emmy's video.
When visiting Kinley's grave I sometimes get a panic attack about how many more babies have been buried there, not only because I hurt for those families, but because the available plots are getting further and further away from Kinley, in case I ever need to bury another baby. Should I have purchased the one next to her just in case?
When I find out about people being pregnant, I sometimes feel afraid for them before I feel excited for them. Often my first thought is, 'Oh God, please don't let them go through what I've been through!'
I'm not crazy. I'm not twisted. I'm not morbid. I'm just forever changed. I'm scarred. I don't have to imagine the worst, because I lived the worst. And I live in fear that I'll live it again. I'm scared to pray for God's will because I'm afraid that His will might be that it happen to me again.
I've read all of the scriptures on fear. Trust me, I've looked them up! I don't need to be told that God has not given me a spirit of fear...
It's kind of like when I fell off the monkey bars as a kid and broke my arm...I never forgot that feeling. Even after the cast was gone, I still wasn't sure about getting back up on those bars again. I did get back up, but I was always cautious about it. And I always had the thought that the worst could happen in the back of my mind. Before that day, it had never crossed my mind! But after it happened, it could never be erased. It didn't keep me from being a kid, it didn't cause me to live my life in fear, but it did give me pause. The thoughts of falling still randomly crossed my mind with no warning.
I know that's a silly analogy, but you get the point. I am forever changed by Kinley and by her pregnancy. One thing that will never be the same for me is another pregnancy. I wish I could blindly glide through my pregnancy with excitement and joy and never even consider something being wrong. I did that with most of Kinley's pregnancy! But that is no longer my reality. My reality now is that I know the worst and those thoughts are forever popping into my mind with no warning.
The key for me is not to dwell there. That's not easy, but it's possible! I say a lot of quick prayers for peace! I recite those scriptures that are engrained in my head! And I remember that even though I would NEVER want to experience it again, I did survive losing Kinley. And if God called me to do it again, He would walk me through it again and I would survive. And just like I did last time, I'd come out on the other side a better person...more eternally minded, more aware of what's really important in life, less concerned with being who people want me to be and more concerned with being exactly what God has called me to be!
Tuesday, February 19, 2013
Wait, What Did You Just Say??
Two years ago this week, I had a horrible appointment with my fertility doctor. I felt like the bottom had dropped out of my life and I wasn't sure I would ever find my footing again. You can read the post here ...
Basically, the doctor said doing another IUI would be a waste of money. My body wouldn't respond to the medicine, which means that doing IVF was also basically a waste of money. He said I "might" have a 20% chance of IVF working, but for the amount of money it would cost, that would be very risky. He basically suggested that I stay on a low dose of medicine for the rest of my life and "hope" that someday it works. He gave me about a 5% chance of ever having another child. Ouch!
I was crushed beyond belief, I was confused, I was angry, most of all I was hurt. Why would God give me this deep desire to be a Mommy and then not let it be fulfilled? I remember having a conversation with my Mom and then hanging up and realizing that I was losing hope. I had told her that I felt like maybe I had misunderstood what God had promised me and that maybe getting pregnant wasn't ever in the cards for me again.
That was 2 years ago....fast forward....
Today I type this email with THE sweetest baby girl sleeping peacefully in the next room. God not only fulfilled His promise, but he fulfilled every dream I had for my baby. I love my Emmy Kate so much! I prayed the entire pregnancy for a baby "filled with joy, that will bring joy to others", and WOW is she ever a bundle of joy!! As if that joy isn't enough....
Today I also sit here with another little miracle growing away inside of me!! Yep, you read that right, we're expecting another baby!!!! I'm 8 weeks pregnant. We'll be welcoming the newest member to the Crum family at the end of September.
Jacob and I are thrilled beyond belief and so thankful to God for His miracles, His healing, and the life that He has given. Although we were technically "trying" to get pregnant, we definitely did not expect it to happen as quickly as it did! In fact, I didn't feel like we were really trying yet at all!
Because it took 2 years with Emersyn and because the diagnosis I was given made time very important, we knew we would want to start trying to have another baby soon. We expected another long journey! I went on a very low dose of medicine (half of the dose I took to get pregnant with Em). I had told the doctor we would start the medicine to "get my body back in the habit" of trying. After spring break, we would talk about adding the follicle scan and shot to make me ovulate. BUT, God had bigger plans, and I got pregnant the very first month!!!
We are shocked and excited! I'm also just as nervous as I was last time! We appreciate your prayers for a smooth pregnancy and another healthy baby!
Basically, the doctor said doing another IUI would be a waste of money. My body wouldn't respond to the medicine, which means that doing IVF was also basically a waste of money. He said I "might" have a 20% chance of IVF working, but for the amount of money it would cost, that would be very risky. He basically suggested that I stay on a low dose of medicine for the rest of my life and "hope" that someday it works. He gave me about a 5% chance of ever having another child. Ouch!
I was crushed beyond belief, I was confused, I was angry, most of all I was hurt. Why would God give me this deep desire to be a Mommy and then not let it be fulfilled? I remember having a conversation with my Mom and then hanging up and realizing that I was losing hope. I had told her that I felt like maybe I had misunderstood what God had promised me and that maybe getting pregnant wasn't ever in the cards for me again.
That was 2 years ago....fast forward....
Today I type this email with THE sweetest baby girl sleeping peacefully in the next room. God not only fulfilled His promise, but he fulfilled every dream I had for my baby. I love my Emmy Kate so much! I prayed the entire pregnancy for a baby "filled with joy, that will bring joy to others", and WOW is she ever a bundle of joy!! As if that joy isn't enough....
Today I also sit here with another little miracle growing away inside of me!! Yep, you read that right, we're expecting another baby!!!! I'm 8 weeks pregnant. We'll be welcoming the newest member to the Crum family at the end of September.
Jacob and I are thrilled beyond belief and so thankful to God for His miracles, His healing, and the life that He has given. Although we were technically "trying" to get pregnant, we definitely did not expect it to happen as quickly as it did! In fact, I didn't feel like we were really trying yet at all!
Because it took 2 years with Emersyn and because the diagnosis I was given made time very important, we knew we would want to start trying to have another baby soon. We expected another long journey! I went on a very low dose of medicine (half of the dose I took to get pregnant with Em). I had told the doctor we would start the medicine to "get my body back in the habit" of trying. After spring break, we would talk about adding the follicle scan and shot to make me ovulate. BUT, God had bigger plans, and I got pregnant the very first month!!!
We are shocked and excited! I'm also just as nervous as I was last time! We appreciate your prayers for a smooth pregnancy and another healthy baby!
Friday, January 4, 2013
Merry Christmas...a little late!
I'm a little late, but Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!!!
Believe in Christmas Religious
Create from the Heart: photo Christmas cards from Shutterfly .
View the entire collection of cards.
Wednesday, October 17, 2012
Joy...
Romans 12:12 Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.
I don't think we've always done this effectively. I know there were days that my patience in the affliction had run pretty thin!! There were definitely days when I had a hard time even seeing any hope, let alone, being joyful in that hope. But I did read this scripture a lot, and I did strive for it. And through finding out that Kinley was gone, burying her, moving away, struggling to get pregnant again, and even being told it was unlikely, if not impossible, for us to get pregnant....one thing is true, Jacob and I remained faithful in prayer.
And God heard our prayers.....
Psalm 37:4 Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of you heart.
Psalm 30:5 Weeping may last for the night, but joy comes in the morning....
Wow is this child ever a testament to God's faithfulness!! She is a complete joy!! I can't believe she's almost 6 months old. She has filled every single day of the last 5 1/2 months with smiles, hugs, kisses, and laughs. Jacob looked at me one day and asked if I could look at her without smiling....very rarely! We're totally smitten and completely overwhelmed with love for our beautiful Emersyn Kate!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)