We had already learned over the weekend that our recent IUI had failed. I was scheduled for another doctor's appointment on Monday morning. I went in, fully expecting the same routine... do an ultrasound and some blood work, talk to the doctor, hear that we should try another IUI. In the back of my mind I considered that maybe the doctor would be leery of another IUI and would suggest we move ahead to IVF. Jacob and I had discussed that possibility and were prepared to make the decision to move forward if it was necessary.
I was not shocked when the doctor said that he didn't feel that an IUI would be wise for us to try again. He had given me as high of a dose of medicine as he would ever give me for as long of time as possible and he didn't feel that the results were good enough to merit spending that kind of time and money again. Even with these high doses and the added Lupron, I just did not respond well to the medicine. (Basically there were still too few "good" follicles.)
However, I was caught completely off guard by what he said next. He said that because he would use the exact same medicine regimen for IVF, he also didn't feel like IVF would be a wise choice for us. For those who haven't been through infertility, basically IVF was what we held up in the back of our minds as our last option....if all else fails, IVF will give us the best shot. Most women have a 50-60% chance of IVF being successful. To my shock, the doctor said that he would give me only about a 20% chance of success with IVF. He said while it would be my "best shot", it would be a lot of money to spend for something that he didn't really feel would be successful.
He suggested that we do one of two things....
1) Decide to try the IVF if we really feel that we want to do everything we can to give it our best shot at success. He reminded me though, that this would be a lot of money for a low chance at success.
2) Go back on to the low dose of Tamoxifen that I had taken before. He said I could try this "month after month and hope that one day we get lucky and it works". He said my chances would be about 5-10% each month.
I was in shock. I had just heard that there was a low chance of me ever becoming pregnant again. Impossible....no, unlikely....yes. I felt very much as though the doctor was "throwing in the towel".
I spent yesterday hurt, sad, depressed even. I felt like I'd just taken the second worse blow in my life. Would I really never be a mother again? I was angry (more to come on this later.) I was confused. I was beaten down. I was questioning. I was lost. I didn't know where we would possibly go from here.
Today I'm still very sad. I'm still confused and I still have no idea what is next for us. I'm also still very scared. As usually happens though, the more rational Erica woke up this morning. Today I'm ready to consider our options and to make decisions. Obviously all the emotions I was feeling yesterday are still there, but I can see through them better today.
In short, Jacob and I desperately need your prayers. We have major life decisions to make. In order to have our own biological children.....we NEED a miracle! We simply won't have another baby without a miracle from God. I also need you to pray that through this process we won't become bitter towards God.
(By the way, sometimes I absolutely do feel angry at God. I know that there are people who don't agree with that, but anger is an emotion that arises. I know that God is good, I know that he is not the author of evil. My rational self knows this, but I am human. I get angry with God and I believe whole-heartedly that He understands how and why I feel that anger more than any person on earth can. I don't, however, want to let that anger turn into bitterness or linger for too long.)
Jacob and I feel certain that God would not have placed this STRONG desire for children into our hearts unless He fully intended for us to have children. We're not certain what that family will look like, when it will come, or how we will get there. We have not give up hope, but we do need direction!
Please pray with us as we consider the following...
-Should we get a second opinion?
-Should we do the IVF knowing that our chances are lower than most couples? There is a large part of us that feels like we have to give it our "best shot"!
-If we do decide to go forward with IVF, where will the funding come from? Are we willing to put ourselves into debt for this?
-Is adoption our best option at this point? If so, where do we start? What do we do? Where will the funding come from?
-Are there other options that we need to consider? (egg or embryo donation?)
Thank you again for taking this journey with us!! I know that so many of you are praying for us!!!!