Flashback...a look at two years ago!

Two years ago, I was facing my first Thanksgiving after Kinley passed away. Feelings were mounting and I was having a very hard time! I thought it might be helpful to look back at that Thanksgiving. Some of you may be facing your first holiday season without your loved one, some of you may be facing your 30th! What I realized is that God has done a lot of healing in this heart of mine in the past two years.

Many of the feelings are still there and I still miss her more than words could ever describe. Reading this still opened the floodgates of my emotion. But at this point in my life, no matter how much I miss her, I KNOW that this is the plan that God had for my life. I know that He's walked every step with me and is using Kinley's story and our testimony to change lives. And I am "Truly Thankful". I'm thankful for Kinley. I'm thankful for the souls that were saved after hearing her story. I'm thankful for the lives that were changed because of "knowing" her. I'm thankful that I had her, and I'm thankful that God has her now. I'm thankful for every little morsel of healing that I've received in the past two years...every prayer, every song that I heard differently, every person who spoke a word of encouragement, every scripture that changed my perspective, every time I felt that God was holding me. I'm thankful!

Here are my words from two years ago....

Can I Truly Be Thankful?


November 26, 2009

I decided instead of writing "Happy Thanksgiving! I'm so thankful for all God has given me!", I would put a little honesty into what I was saying. So here's the thing....I know most of you woke up today and were excited to see friends and family and were thinking how much you have to be thankful for. I, however, woke up and the first thought in my mind was "What do I have to be thankful for....and NO ONE better say "HAPPY" Thanksgiving to me today. It is NOT happy!!!" I know what you're thinking, and you're right, it's a bad attitude and I'm being a brat!!

I left the house to go to Kinley's gravesite thinking that I wasn't happy and I wasn't thankful. This is not how my Thanksgiving was suppose to be. This is not what I signed up for. I didn't spend what seemed like an eternity trying to get pregnant, take fertility meds that made me feel like crap, and endure evening sickness for weeks only to have empty arms when all was said and done. I didn't imagine my life being like this.

I got to the gravesite to find that someone had stolen the Willow Tree angel that Jacob had put out there on the day we buried Kinley....seriously?? So I was feeling even more angry and quite frankly unthankful!

As I sat in my car, with my entire body convulsing in sobs I started to think. I decided that I'm not allowing this day to be like that, I'm not giving Satan any glimpse of victory. God is still good, and not only that, He's still good to ME! So....here are the things I'm thankful for.

- I'm thankful for my husband who is an amazing man of God and my shoulder to cry on. I love him so much!! I know that I am blessed to have him!

- I'm thankful for a family who loves me and supports me. They know that I will have bad days and they cry with me and pray for me. They sat with my for hours at the hospital and have called, sent cards, brought gifts, and poured themselves into me.

- I'm thankful for great friends and an awesome church family who have called, texted, and emailed to let me know they're still thinking about me.

- I'm thankful that I've been bonded through loss to new friends who know exactly how I feel! Tami and Destiny are blessings beyond what words can say! They are wonderful Godly women who have relived their pain to help me through mine.

- I'm so thankful for my sweet Brenna who called this morning to say "I love you Etty! Happy Thanksgiving! You're my best friend....and please don't have 'cry in your eyes'!"

- I'm thankful that God gave me Kinley at all. I don't want to feel this way, but I wouldn't trade it if that meant I never got to have her at all. I loved her from the moment I saw the two lines on the pregnancy test and that love grew with every ultrasound, every kick, every hiccup, and every moment that I had with her. It was solidified when I saw her sweet face, kissed her cheeks, held her tiny hand, and rocked her as she "slept".

- I'm thankful that Kinley will NEVER know the kind of pain that I'm feeling. As a Mommy I will endure this pain willingly knowing that it means that she never has to have a skinned knee, a broken heart, a bad day, or one hint of sadness.

- I'm thankful that God has promised GOOD to me. I don't know what that means for certain, I don't know that He'll answer my prayers the way I want him to, but I know He knows what's best for me. I know He will work it all for good and I know that He sees my pain and He hurts with me and for me.

- Most of all...I'm thankful that I have an assurance that I will see my baby again. I don't wonder, I don't worry, I don't doubt for one instance. I KNOW where she is today and I KNOW that I'll be there with her one day. There's no shadow of doubt in my mind that heaven is a real place, that my baby is there waiting for me, and that I will join her. I know I'll join her because I believe His word, and His word says that all I have to do is accept Him as Lord, believe that Jesus died for my sins, and confess that I'm a sinner.

So I'm not promising a day of no tears. I'm not telling you that this day is easy for me. I'm certainly not saying that I am doing "well" or that I'm "over" our loss. I'm actually promising you that it will continue to be hard for me....today is hard, December 10th will be hard, Christmas will be hard, every September 24th for the rest of my life will be hard. Please don't judge me for how I'm healing, don't say that I need to "move on", don't act as though it never happened, and don't think that having more children someday will take away my pain. My baby died and that hurts more than anything imaginable. BUT....I will survive, I will have joy again, I will have peace in God, and I will spend eternity with my precious Kinley, and I will be THANKFUL.

May you too be blessed and be thankful no matter what this life brings you....

Thanksgiving Part 2

To complete my 25 days of thanksgiving, here are a few more things I'm thankful for...

1. I'm thankful for the Christian legacy that I'm a part of. I know it's a true blessing to have a family that's firmly rooted in faith! I'm very very thankful!

2. I'm thankful for my husband's job. I know I complain about being in Knoxville, but I really am thankful that he has a job that he loves. We waited and prayed for a long time. I know it's an answer to prayer!

3. I'm thankful for my pretty little home! I really do like our townhouse, it's the perfect size for us and is cozy and cute!

4. I'm thankful for a reliable car so I can travel home to see family and friends! And VERY thankful that I'm leaving tomorrow afternoon to see everyone!!!!

5. I'm very thankful for good friends who have walked through infertility and loss with us. I was blessed to have the support of women who had been through it too and I'm so very very thankful for them!

Very closely related to that...

6. I'm thankful for answered prayers....specifically, I'm thankful for healing from infertility. At our "home" church in Lafayette infertility seemed to be a common issue! There were FAR too many young women who could not have the children that they deeply desired! I'm so very thankful to have seen God answer many of these prayers the past couple years!!! I'm thankful for Cayden and the Peters' twins, I'm thankful for Ryann, Reese, and Regan, and I'm thankful for Peyton and Parker! They're each reminders of the faithfulness of God!

7. I'm thankful for plenty of food to eat. I never go hungry and always have all that I need!

8. I'm thankful for the alone time that moving to TN has given to Jacob and I. We've spent time together that I know we wouldn't have if we had been in Indiana.

9. I'm thankful for my DVR! I love my DVR! It's the greatest!

10. I'm thankful for my iPhone! More specifically, I'm thankful for the "Around Me" app because it's the only reason I find my way around Knoxville! :)

11. I'm thankful for the church families that have poured into our lives. Covington 1st Assembly provided such a wonderful and supportive atmosphere for me to grow up in. I still consider them my family! Lafayette 1st was the perfect place for Jacob and I to start our married life. We were ministered to in countless ways, found our best friends, were mentored by wonderful people, and grew in love with God and each other. And now Fellowship is becoming our home! We're so impressed with the ministries that we've been a part of and can't wait to dive in even deeper!

12. I'm thankful for the country that I live in and the freedoms that I enjoy because of it.

13. I'm thankful for facebook....silly, right? But I really am, I'm thankful that I have it as a tool to stay connected with people.

14. I'm thankful for the people that God puts in my path daily to reveal that He sees me and He's still working in my life!! Over the past two days, I've met three women who dealt with or are currently dealing with infertility and one who lost her twins to stillbirth. What a blessing to be able to talk to women who know and understand how I feel!

15. Finally, I'm thankful for those of you who have emailed me, commented on my blog, or sent me a facebook message. Thank you so much for your support and your prayers!! Thank you for taking a couple minutes to encourage me to keep serving God, keep blogging, keep sharing, and keep hoping! I'm thankful for you!!

Thankful...

Okay, I haven't participated in the "Days of Thanksgiving" deal on facebook or on my blog yet, so I thought I should get caught up. Since today is the 10th day of the month, I'll do a list of ten things for which I'm thankful. Here goes...

1. I'm thankful for a God who loves me despite my imperfections. In fact, he created me WITH my imperfections and can use my short-comings for His good.

2. I'm thankful for a hard-working husband who provides for me, loves me unconditionally, and wants the best for me.

3. I'm thankful for my amazing parents! They're genuinely good people who have always done everything they can to make sure I was happy, taken care of, and loved.

4. I'm thankful for the time I got to have carrying Kinley. I'm so thankful that God saw fit to give her to me! I'm thankful for every time I heard her heartbeat, felt her move, and saw her on the ultrasound.

5. I'm thankful for a sister who is my best friend and a brother who always makes me smile. They are both so very different from me, yet we all fit together so very well. (Btw, I'm super thankful for the relationship I have with Megan. I know that not all sisters have the kind of friendship that we do.)

6. I'm thankful for my two beautiful nieces!! They are precious to me!!! Brenna and Bristol are as close to my own children as I could possibly get without them actually being mine. I love them beyond words and miss them every single day! Bristol is beautiful, precious, and sweet! Brenna is beautiful, charming, funny, and smart. They're perfect!

7. I'm thankful for my parents-in-law. (Is that a term?) Rex and Mary took me into their lives and made me feel like part of their family from the very beginning. They've been nothing but loving, supportive, and kind to me.

8. I'm thankful for my sisters-in-law (Sarah, Becca, and Leah). I'm thankful that Sarah and I have become good friends and that I have been blessed to be a part of Becca and Leah's growing up and becoming young women!

9. I'm thankful for the relationship between my family and Jacob's family. I'm so thankful that we can all spend time together and enjoy each other's company. It was most evident and most endearing through the time that we lost Kinley. Our families truly bonded together. We were able to spend a great deal of time together, cry together, laugh together, and truly ENJOY being together! We even vacation together! :) By the way, this picture is from our joint Christmas party!

10. I'm thankful for my extended family whom I love more than words could express!!! I'm thankful for grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins who are friends. I'm thankful for the relationships I have with each one of them! (I could start putting pictures, but could never fit them all in!!)