Wait, What Did You Just Say??

Two years ago this week, I had a horrible appointment with my fertility doctor.  I felt like the bottom had dropped out of my life and I wasn't sure I would ever find my footing again.  You can read the post here ...

Basically, the doctor said doing another IUI would be a waste of money.  My body wouldn't respond to the medicine, which means that doing IVF was also basically a waste of money.  He said I "might" have a 20% chance of IVF working, but for the amount of money it would cost, that would be very risky.  He basically suggested that I stay on a low dose of medicine for the rest of my life and "hope" that someday it works.  He gave me about a 5% chance of ever having another child.  Ouch!

I was crushed beyond belief, I was confused, I was angry, most of all I was hurt.  Why would God give me this deep desire to be a Mommy and then not let it be fulfilled?  I remember having a conversation with my Mom and then hanging up and realizing that I was losing hope.  I had told her that I felt like maybe I had misunderstood what God had promised me and that maybe getting pregnant wasn't ever in the cards for me again.

That was 2 years ago....fast forward....

Today I type this email with THE sweetest baby girl sleeping peacefully in the next room.  God not only fulfilled His promise, but he fulfilled every dream I had for my baby.  I love my Emmy Kate so much! I prayed the entire pregnancy for a baby "filled with joy, that will bring joy to others", and WOW is she ever a bundle of joy!!  As if that joy isn't enough....

Today I also sit here with another little miracle growing away inside of me!! Yep, you read that right, we're expecting another baby!!!! I'm 8 weeks pregnant.  We'll be welcoming the newest member to the Crum family at the end of September.

Jacob and I are thrilled beyond belief and so thankful to God for His miracles, His healing, and the life that He has given.  Although we were technically "trying" to get pregnant, we definitely did not expect it to happen as quickly as it did!  In fact, I didn't feel like we were really trying yet at all!

Because it took 2 years with Emersyn and because the diagnosis I was given made time very important, we knew we would want to start trying to have another baby soon.  We expected another long journey!  I went on a very low dose of medicine (half of the dose I took to get pregnant with Em).  I had told the doctor we would start the medicine to "get my body back in the habit" of trying. After spring break, we would talk about adding the follicle scan and shot to make me ovulate.  BUT, God had bigger plans, and I got pregnant the very first month!!!

We are shocked and excited! I'm also just as nervous as I was last time!  We appreciate your prayers for a smooth pregnancy and another healthy baby!

Merry Christmas...a little late!

I'm a little late, but Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!!!

Believe in Christmas Religious

Create from the Heart: photo Christmas cards from Shutterfly .

View the entire collection of cards.

Joy...

Romans 12:12  Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.

I don't think we've always done this effectively.  I know there were days that my patience in the affliction had run pretty thin!! There were definitely days when I had a hard time even seeing any hope, let alone, being joyful in that hope.  But I did read this scripture a lot, and I did strive for it.  And through finding out that Kinley was gone, burying her, moving away, struggling to get pregnant again, and even being told it was unlikely, if not impossible, for us to get pregnant....one thing is true, Jacob and I remained faithful in prayer.

And God heard our prayers.....

Psalm 37:4 Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of you heart.

Psalm 30:5 Weeping may last for the night, but joy comes in the morning....

Wow is this child ever a testament to God's faithfulness!! She is a complete joy!!  I can't believe she's almost 6 months old.  She has filled every single day of the last 5 1/2 months with smiles, hugs, kisses, and laughs.  Jacob looked at me one day and asked if I could look at her without smiling....very rarely!  We're totally smitten and completely overwhelmed with love for our beautiful Emersyn Kate!

Goodbye September...we'll meet again next year!

I love when the calendar changes to October...it feels like I can breathe again.  Like I've been holding my breath the entire month of September and suddenly I realize that it's October and I gasp for air.  And I always wonder how many more years it will feel like that.

I survived another September and there are some things that never change, some that I did differently, and some things I didn't do at all this year.

I did...
- Hold my Emmy a little bit tighter remembering what a miracle it is to have her!
I did not...
- Worry that I would never have a baby to "mother".  God has replaced that fear with the joy of even just one baby to raise!!! Of course, we'd love to have more, but for now, I'm thrilled with our one blessing!

I did...
- Find myself late in the night one night, getting Emmy out of her crib, sinking down to the floor, holding her, and sobbing at what WE had lost.  Because she lost out too.
I did not...
- Do it every night...just once.  I resisted the urge to sit up all night holding her.

I did...
- Visit Kinley's gravesite on her birthday, let balloons go, spend a little bit of time curled up under my covers sobbing, and think about her all day.
I did not...
- Visit her gravesite daily.  I didn't feel the need to be 'there' for her.  She doesn't NEED me to dwell on spending my time there, to make myself crazy, to worry about her.  Emersyn does need me to care for her.

I did...
- Remember!
I did not...
- Pull out all of the cards, letters, and keepsakes in order to relive every moment.

I did...
- Feel in some ways like this year was harder than last year.  I think that's because before part of what I was mourning was getting to actually be a mommy.  Now that I have Emmy I know exactly what I missed out on with Kinley and that hurts.
I did not...
- Feel like Emersyn at all replaced Kinley!!!

I don't know if I did the right things or the wrong things, I don't know if I grieved "normally".  I know that it still hurts incredibly and that I would give almost anything to change it and have her back.  I know that I love her so much and she'll ALWAYS be my first born.  And I also know that it feels natural to do things a little different each year.  It felt right this year to grieve exactly how I did.  I didn't feel the need to do any more or any less to remember Kinley.  All that I can do is what seems right to me.

Just Enough Strength...Again

I've been a huge blogging slacker...

The truth is that I've thought about sitting down to write a blog at least a hundred times over the last several months, but I can't make myself do it.  I'd like to say that it's because I'm so busy with Emersyn that I don't have time, and that's partially true.  But honestly, I have time to watch Big Brother....THREE times a week, so I probably have time to blog too!

The truth is, I haven't known quite what to say.  In all honesty, I'm walking in an overwhelming amount of joy every day ... so why not just say that?? Because the moment I start to, I also feel an overwhelming amount of guilt.  I know that's silly, but this blog has always been dedicated to my feelings about losing Kinley, and the joy of having Emmy is completely separate from that.  It's difficult for me to convince myself that I don't need to feel guilty about being happy.

I feel like it's almost impossible to explain how I could have two completely opposite feelings at the exact same time.  I'm overjoyed with being a Mommy to Emmy.  I love it so much that I can barely breathe sometimes!! But if I acted for one minute like that makes the pain of losing Kinley any less I would be lying.  I'm full of joy and yet still somehow full of hurt.

I don't miss her any less today than I did at any moment in the last three years.  I will admit that I'm more busy now, so I have less time to really sit and think about it.  That makes it seem sometimes like it hurts less, but in reality, the moment she crosses my mind, the same feelings rise up.

There's a place in my heart for Kinley and Emmy doesn't fill that space.  She fills up a completely different space in my heart.  And that space is overflowing!  But still the 'hole' of losing Kinley is there.  I wouldn't want her to fill it really and I couldn't ask her too.  It's not her job to replace her sister or to heal my heart.

I feel many days like people expect me to be "over it".  For some people, I think the natural thought is... 'she wanted a baby and now she has one, so she should be fine'.  Imagine though, if you had all of your children except for one.  If that one child was missing from your family, would having another one make that okay?

I love being a Mommy and I'm taking every opportunity to enjoy my Emmy Kate.  I spend almost 24 hours a day 7 days a week completely engulfed in caring for her.  I rarely spend a moment away from her and I still feel like I can't get enough of her!!! I wouldn't have it any other way.  I'm not letting the fact that I don't have Kinley in any way put a damper on what I have with Emmy.  But I still miss her so incredibly much.  I still feel like there's a huge weight on my heart.  I still feel like I'm carrying a burden that just isn't fair.  And I still want her back!  I know that's not the plan that God had for us, but it doesn't change that one of my deepest desires is to have her here.

I wish so desperately that I could see Kinley with Emmy.  I would give anything to be able to watch her kiss her sister, hold her, and love her.  Watching Bristol with Em has been so much fun for me, and every once in awhile I find myself watching her talk to Emmy and out of nowhere it stings.  I would give almost anything to get to see them together and I know that one day I will.

I guess I'm not really sure where I'm going with this post.  I just wanted to honestly say where I've been for the past few months.  I've been absent from blogging because I had no way to really make sense of what I was feeling.  But I think it's time to come back to honestly sharing my days with you, both the joy and the hurt!

Tomorrow will be 3 years since the absolute worst day of my life.  Three years ago tomorrow, we heard the words "we can't find a heartbeat".  My life has changed so much in three years.  I am stronger and yet I'm more vulnerable.  I am happier and yet I know the fullest depths of hurt.  I have learned how to depend on God more, because I had to, and I've seen Him come through for me so many times.  I'm no more of a Mommy today than I was on that day, but now I'm getting to 'mother' one of the babies that God has given to me.

I could use your prayers over the next few days.  God has done so much healing in my heart, but I still have so much left to do.  I'm desperately seeking His peace and asking Him to carry me through the next few days, like He's done so many times before.  Tomorrow will be hard and so will Kinley's birthday on Monday, but for now I'm once again asking God for "just enough strength to get through today."