I'm Back!

I'm going to try to cram a lot of information into this one post and attempt not to make it too long! I feel like our life has been a complete whirlwind the past month or so and I just haven't been able to keep up with the blogging as our life takes on a whole new direction. So here's the breakdown of April and May...

Fertility -

I saw a "second-opinion" doctor and it went fairly well. I had a test done and am still waiting for the official results of the test, but I'll keep you posted. This doctor seemed to have a lot of the same opinions of the other doctor, but put it all in a much more positive light. I'll be taking Clomid for the next 5-6 months in hopes that what worked before, will work again. It's been difficult for me to balance being hopeful and being realistic, but I'm feeling pretty good about the direction we're going.

Adoption -

We met with two adoption agencies and we had begun the process of deciding which agency to go with and whether we would like to pursue a traditional infant adoption or an embryo adoption. I have an appointment this week to discuss whether embryo adoption is a good fit for us. However, that's all been put on hold because....

Moving!

We're moving!! A couple of weeks ago, Jacob received word that a job was opening up in Lafayette and he was given the option of taking that job. We were shocked at the timing and couldn't believe that our move "home" had come so quickly! We spent last week in Lafayette for Jacob to train on his new job and for us to do some house hunting. Jacob is scheduled to have his last day here on May 20th, then we'll be heading home!! I'll post more about the upcoming move soon.

Mother's Day

I can't let Mother's Day pass by without commenting on it. Yesterday was a tough day for me. It's just not fun to spend a whole day thinking about the fact that I'm a mother that hasn't been allowed to do any mothering. Mother's Day is the one day of the year that the pain of not having Kinley here collides with the pain of infertility and the questioning of whether Mother's Day will ever be a celebratory day for me. It's not fair to not have your baby on Mother's Day, it's not fair to feel yourself hesitate about whether or not to stand up when all the mommy's in church are asked to stand, it's not fair for your husband to be stressed and worried about what to get you because he's walking a fine line between letting the day go unnoticed and trying not to bring about another emotional storm. It's just not fair!

Having said that, I did have my moments of complete breakdown, I cried, I got mad, I felt that deep pain stabbing in my chest. I also felt very loved, completely supported, and utterly blessed....yes, blessed! Blessed to have family and friends that love me enough to remember that the day is hard for me, blessed to have a mom and mother-in-law who are perfect examples for me, and blessed to have a relationship and friendship with God that can carry me through days such as this.

I Want To Go Home!

UPDATE: I came home!!!

Today one overwhelming thought is dominating my mind...

I want to go home!!!!

I hate this time of year and I'm struggling more everyday as Kinley's birthday gets closer. I can remember what I was doing on each day and keep thinking "a year ago today, I was...." Today the thought is that a year ago today I was beginning to realize somewhere in the back of my mind that something wasn't right, but I was ignoring that nagging thought. For the most part, I was happy, for the most part, I was blissfully unaware of just how hard my life was about to get.

But, back to the going home part.....I want nothing more than to be HOME and this just isn't home. I've been lying to people for a couple months now. The conversation goes something like this...

Them: "Tennessee is such a beautiful area! (EVERYONE says this!) How are you liking it?

Me: Always the same response..."I'm getting used to it, it's not home yet, but I like it!"

There it was, the lie, did you catch it?? I don't like it! I don't like it at all. On the list of things I like, living in Tennessee does not appear. Here are a few things I like...

I like seeing Megan and Brenna everyday. I like them to be 5 minutes away and I like being a part of every aspect of Brenna's life... picking her up from school, eating lunch, going to the mall, babysitting....I LIKE that!

I like seeing my Mom and Dad whenever I want. I know I didn't go to Covington as much as I should have when I lived in Lafayette, but I like that I could jump in the car and go if I wanted. I liked seeing them once a week or so.

I like being able to call Rex and Mary on any given Friday night and meet up for dinner with them.

I like being able to text Destiny on a bad day (much like today) and knowing that she'll be there in a half an hour.

I like my little Christian school where the students and staff not only know my story, but walked through it with me.

I like going to church in my own church and being able to pray with people that I don't have to explain my situation to.

I like having friends to meet for lunch and family to go shopping with.

I like that when I'm having one of those just terrible days (like today), someone always stops in with a little gift, food, a distraction, or a plot to get me out of the house and my mind on something else. I like that all it takes is a facebook status to make that happen.

I like living in Lafayette, but I don't like living in Tennessee. I'm trying to make the best of it. I'm trying to meet people. I'm trying to make it home, but it's just not. What I'd really like today is to just go home!!!!!

(Sorry for my "pity me, life is tough attitude", that's just where I am today! And just for the record, this is not an invitation for everyone who's ever moved to tell me how before long I'll consider it home, and love it, and never want to move back. I've heard that all before, and I appreciate it, but now is just not the time!!!!!)