The Absent Blogger

I've been MIA for SO long!!! This is a quick catch-up post on life as we know it...

1. Where in the world are Jacob and Erica?
We're now back in Indiana! Yay! The move happened so quickly and I've been totally overwhelmed with the transition, which is why I haven't blogged lately. Jacob found out about a possible job back in Lafayette that he could be transferred to and within a few weeks, we were here! We're currently in temporary housing in a furnished apartment and it took until now to get our internet working, which is the second reason I haven't blogged. We're house hunting and planning to buy a house in the next few months. In the meantime, all of our "stuff" is in storage.

2. Did I "de-friend" you on facebook?
NO! I closed my facebook for a little while. It was nothing personal against anyone, I just needed a break. There was so very much going on in my life that I just didn't want to complicate it more. God had been dealing with me for awhile on letting go of facebook for a bit to re-group and re-focus. Don't worry, I'll be back as soon as I feel released to come back!

3. How is Jacob's new job?
Wonderful!! He's happy, I'm happy, life is good! :)

4. What are we doing about our fertility process?
We're kind of on hold for now. I'm taking some low-dose medicine and we're trying on our own, but not having any major or invasive treatments. As soon as we're settled in a house we'll see a fertility specialist here and also start the adoption process. I actually got pregnant on Tamoxifen in March and had a very early miscarriage, so I'm hopeful that despite all odds and all medical reasoning, I CAN get pregnant during this "wait" time! Keep praying!!! God is good!

5. WHAT?! You miscarried?
Yes I did, while we were in Florida. I hadn't mentioned it yet because it all happened very quickly and I was trying not to focus on it too much. I had just gotten a positive test when I started spotting and then really cramping and bleeding. I didn't see a doctor at the time, I was only about 5 weeks pregnant and was on vacation. After I got home, I saw my doctor to follow-up. It was heartbreaking on one level and also gave me some hope that there's still a chance for us to have biological children.

6. Are you going back to teaching?
At this point, I'm not planning to return. I don't want to work full-time at this time and am excited to be able to keep my nieces a couple days a week. If a part-time teaching position fell into my lap, I would definitely be interested, but I'm not actively seeking a position. I'm planning to start doing a little bit of in-home childcare starting once we have a house.

7. What's new in our life?
Well first and most exciting....Jacob and I are going to be "Uncle Jay-Jay" and "Aunt Etty" again!!! We'll be getting a new niece or nephew on the Crum side of the family this winter. Sarah and Adam are expecting and are due in December. We can't wait to add another little one to the family!

Next and also super exciting, my good friend and fellow blogger just had her twins! They are beyond precious and I'm head-over-heels in love with them both already. I got to meet them the other day and while they're still in NICU and could use your prayers as they grow bigger and stronger, they have no major health problems and are just perfect! Here they are...

You can follow their progress and read Destiny's story at her blog, just click here!

My next piece of exciting news....my sweet niece Bristol is on the move! She's crawling all over the place and is so much fun right now! I'm so happy to be home and have so much time to spend with both her and Brenna. Brenna is also very excited to have us home!

Stay tuned in the next couple days for a post about our last trip to Tennessee with the Crum family....it was great fun!!!

I'm Back!

I'm going to try to cram a lot of information into this one post and attempt not to make it too long! I feel like our life has been a complete whirlwind the past month or so and I just haven't been able to keep up with the blogging as our life takes on a whole new direction. So here's the breakdown of April and May...

Fertility -

I saw a "second-opinion" doctor and it went fairly well. I had a test done and am still waiting for the official results of the test, but I'll keep you posted. This doctor seemed to have a lot of the same opinions of the other doctor, but put it all in a much more positive light. I'll be taking Clomid for the next 5-6 months in hopes that what worked before, will work again. It's been difficult for me to balance being hopeful and being realistic, but I'm feeling pretty good about the direction we're going.

Adoption -

We met with two adoption agencies and we had begun the process of deciding which agency to go with and whether we would like to pursue a traditional infant adoption or an embryo adoption. I have an appointment this week to discuss whether embryo adoption is a good fit for us. However, that's all been put on hold because....

Moving!

We're moving!! A couple of weeks ago, Jacob received word that a job was opening up in Lafayette and he was given the option of taking that job. We were shocked at the timing and couldn't believe that our move "home" had come so quickly! We spent last week in Lafayette for Jacob to train on his new job and for us to do some house hunting. Jacob is scheduled to have his last day here on May 20th, then we'll be heading home!! I'll post more about the upcoming move soon.

Mother's Day

I can't let Mother's Day pass by without commenting on it. Yesterday was a tough day for me. It's just not fun to spend a whole day thinking about the fact that I'm a mother that hasn't been allowed to do any mothering. Mother's Day is the one day of the year that the pain of not having Kinley here collides with the pain of infertility and the questioning of whether Mother's Day will ever be a celebratory day for me. It's not fair to not have your baby on Mother's Day, it's not fair to feel yourself hesitate about whether or not to stand up when all the mommy's in church are asked to stand, it's not fair for your husband to be stressed and worried about what to get you because he's walking a fine line between letting the day go unnoticed and trying not to bring about another emotional storm. It's just not fair!

Having said that, I did have my moments of complete breakdown, I cried, I got mad, I felt that deep pain stabbing in my chest. I also felt very loved, completely supported, and utterly blessed....yes, blessed! Blessed to have family and friends that love me enough to remember that the day is hard for me, blessed to have a mom and mother-in-law who are perfect examples for me, and blessed to have a relationship and friendship with God that can carry me through days such as this.

Answers To Some Of Your Questions

Hello Everyone!!! I feel like I've been MIA for awhile!

I know it's been a couple of weeks since I posted, and I'm sorry to be keeping you all in the dark. I feel like I left things on a negative note. I've been taking a bit of a break from writing to internalize what all is going on and to consider all of the options that Jacob and I have.

I wanted to take just a couple of minutes to answer a couple of questions that I've heard since the last post and to give you an idea of where I am and where I plan on going from here.

Many people asked if we had considered using a surrogate. In our situation, a surrogate is not really the best option for us. My specific problem is not with carrying a child, it's with making enough eggs to become pregnant. We would be much more likely to be successful with an egg donor (using someone else's eggs and having me carry the baby) than we would with a surrogate (using our fertilized embryo and having someone else carry it). There are options available to us in the fertility realm, but we're not really ready to commit to any one of them at this time.

Second, many people have used terms like "you're still young" and "you have time". Without sounding harsh, let me just say that it is in no way comforting to hear that when you're going through fertility treatments. I know that it seems like you're giving hope, but when you don't know a person's specific situation, I would be careful about using those terms. So, in answer to the question "what's the rush?".... I was given a diagnosis of "low ovarian reserve", basically although my body is 28, my egg supply is low. Unfortunately for us, I probably don't have the years and years to try that I should have. Our chances of conceiving are declining at a rate that is quicker than that of most couples our age. Having said that, I also know that God is WAY bigger than that diagnosis. However, I think you all understand why there's a sense of urgency.

As far as our next step with fertility treatment goes, I will be getting a second opinion. I've scheduled an appointment with another fertility specialist here in Knoxville and will keep you all updated on how that appointment goes.

We are also open to pursuing adoption. I have been given a great deal of information from a friend we met at church here in Knoxville. She's a GREAT resource for us to have and we feel like it's really a "God-thing" that I was put in contact with her. We have other friends who have used other agencies and are aware of the MANY options available. We'll be praying about it and proceeding as God directs us.

Finally, I know that I sounded hopeless in the last post. I appreciate all of your concern and prayer. I'm not hopeless, I do believe that God has a family for us. However, there is a grieving process that goes along with realizing that your journey to parenthood may not look how like you imagined it would. That doesn't necessarily mean that I don't believe we'll have our own biological children, just that the journey doesn't look how I imagined. I'm in the midst of that grieving process still. I was very angry, hurt, and even bitter, at first. I needed to feel those emotions and work through them in order to move on to what God has for us next. I'm still hurting and I still have moments of anger, but I do know that I WILL be a mommy again.

Thanks again for your comments, prayer, support, and love!!!!! We have both felt very loved and supported through this entire process!!

Next Step?

Yesterday was a tough day.

We had already learned over the weekend that our recent IUI had failed. I was scheduled for another doctor's appointment on Monday morning. I went in, fully expecting the same routine... do an ultrasound and some blood work, talk to the doctor, hear that we should try another IUI. In the back of my mind I considered that maybe the doctor would be leery of another IUI and would suggest we move ahead to IVF. Jacob and I had discussed that possibility and were prepared to make the decision to move forward if it was necessary.

I was not shocked when the doctor said that he didn't feel that an IUI would be wise for us to try again. He had given me as high of a dose of medicine as he would ever give me for as long of time as possible and he didn't feel that the results were good enough to merit spending that kind of time and money again. Even with these high doses and the added Lupron, I just did not respond well to the medicine. (Basically there were still too few "good" follicles.)

However, I was caught completely off guard by what he said next. He said that because he would use the exact same medicine regimen for IVF, he also didn't feel like IVF would be a wise choice for us. For those who haven't been through infertility, basically IVF was what we held up in the back of our minds as our last option....if all else fails, IVF will give us the best shot. Most women have a 50-60% chance of IVF being successful. To my shock, the doctor said that he would give me only about a 20% chance of success with IVF. He said while it would be my "best shot", it would be a lot of money to spend for something that he didn't really feel would be successful.

He suggested that we do one of two things....

1) Decide to try the IVF if we really feel that we want to do everything we can to give it our best shot at success. He reminded me though, that this would be a lot of money for a low chance at success.

2) Go back on to the low dose of Tamoxifen that I had taken before. He said I could try this "month after month and hope that one day we get lucky and it works". He said my chances would be about 5-10% each month.

I was in shock. I had just heard that there was a low chance of me ever becoming pregnant again. Impossible....no, unlikely....yes. I felt very much as though the doctor was "throwing in the towel".

I spent yesterday hurt, sad, depressed even. I felt like I'd just taken the second worse blow in my life. Would I really never be a mother again? I was angry (more to come on this later.) I was confused. I was beaten down. I was questioning. I was lost. I didn't know where we would possibly go from here.

Today I'm still very sad. I'm still confused and I still have no idea what is next for us. I'm also still very scared. As usually happens though, the more rational Erica woke up this morning. Today I'm ready to consider our options and to make decisions. Obviously all the emotions I was feeling yesterday are still there, but I can see through them better today.

In short, Jacob and I desperately need your prayers. We have major life decisions to make. In order to have our own biological children.....we NEED a miracle! We simply won't have another baby without a miracle from God. I also need you to pray that through this process we won't become bitter towards God.

(By the way, sometimes I absolutely do feel angry at God. I know that there are people who don't agree with that, but anger is an emotion that arises. I know that God is good, I know that he is not the author of evil. My rational self knows this, but I am human. I get angry with God and I believe whole-heartedly that He understands how and why I feel that anger more than any person on earth can. I don't, however, want to let that anger turn into bitterness or linger for too long.)

Jacob and I feel certain that God would not have placed this STRONG desire for children into our hearts unless He fully intended for us to have children. We're not certain what that family will look like, when it will come, or how we will get there. We have not give up hope, but we do need direction!

Please pray with us as we consider the following...

-Should we get a second opinion?

-Should we do the IVF knowing that our chances are lower than most couples? There is a large part of us that feels like we have to give it our "best shot"!

-If we do decide to go forward with IVF, where will the funding come from? Are we willing to put ourselves into debt for this?

-Is adoption our best option at this point? If so, where do we start? What do we do? Where will the funding come from?

-Are there other options that we need to consider? (egg or embryo donation?)

Thank you again for taking this journey with us!! I know that so many of you are praying for us!!!!