Kinley's Birthday Slideshow

Today is Kinley's 2nd Birthday. We played this very special slideshow to celebrate how she's changed our lives and how we're looking ahead toward a bright future!!!

Bristol Rae

We welcomed my sweet niece into the world on Thursday October 7th, and she is perfect!!!

Bristol Rae arrived earlier than planned, but she is healthy and doing well. She weighed 5 pounds 15 ounces and was 20 inches long. (She has long feet and hands, and I think she'll be tall like her daddy!!) It's a pure joy to be back home spending some time with her. She's a true blessing!

I know that most people probably know what a blessing it is to have a healthy new baby, but when you have had a pregnancy or infant loss or have dealt with infertility, it's even more real to you! I knew when my niece Brenna was born that she was a blessing and I loved her beyond words!! BUT, I had no idea how much of a true miracle she was and I probably took for granted the blessing that she truly was. I never considered that something could go wrong with the pregnancy or birth...I was naive!

With Bristol, I prayed HARD through the pregnancy and especially during the end when there were some small complications (low fluid mostly). I also prayed all through the c-section and felt a true relief when she was here. I felt different when Bristol was born, it was as if I took a moment to soak in how incredible it was.

I hope that through reading my blog maybe some of you who haven't gone through what Jacob and I have will relate a little more. I hope that maybe the next time you hold your new baby girl/boy, niece/nephew, or grandchild you'll soak in the blessing a little more and stop to think about what a miracle it is to have everything go well and to have a healthy baby!!

Here's our sweet girl...

Bristol and I the first time I held her!! She's just about 2 hours old....isn't she just BEAUTIFUL already?!

Meeting big sister

My beautiful girls!

September 24th - Kinley's Birthday

A year ago, I was holding her...she was already gone of course, but I was soaking in her features, her tiny little hands, her curly dark hair, her little button nose, her chubby little knees. I was trying desperately to drink it all in. It was all that I would get, just about 32 hours to do make a lifetime's worth of memories.

After laboring through the night, in a stupor of half working-epidural, half-functioning brain, half-sleeping body, I was nearing the end of the time of waiting. Around 4 am, the doctor checked me again. To my dismay, there was still little progress. In fact, at around midnight he had said he could feel her head down, but by 4 am, he could feel her tiny hand instead. Some of my family dispersed to get much needed showers and rest. I just couldn't quite settle in at this point.

At 6:30 Dr. H. returned again, and I had finally made "a little" progress. Still he saw no need to call my sister back to the hospital and it seemed that I was in for another long morning. For some reason, my Mom decided to call Megan anyway (she had just had surgery less than a week before and had finally listened to reasoning and gone home to rest.)

At a little after 7, I knew that something had changed. I asked someone to have the nurse call my doctor...I could feel pressure and was just about to have a baby, I just knew it! By about 7:15, I called out frantically that someone needed to get in there...now! The nurse came in and luckily my doctor arrived soon after. By the time he checked me, I was ready to deliver. It took only a couple short pushes to deliver my 1 pound 9 ounce baby girl. At 7:33 am, McKinley Rebecca Crum was born.

The birth was peacful and calm (other than how quickly it happened!) My mom, sister, mother-in-law, and sister-in-law, as well as Jacob were all present for the birth. Kinley entered quietly into the world...no crying, from her or from me.

The doctor immediately noticed the knot in her cord and reasoned that it was probably what had caused Kinley's death. He allowed Jacob to cut the cord and laid her gently on my chest. My first reaction was fear and nervousness. She looked so delicate and I was almost afraid to touch her. But, no matter whether she was breathing or not, she was mine and my motherly instincts took over. I kissed her on the head and held her for a few moments. I wrapped her up and cradled her lifeless little body. She was beautiful, more so than I ever could have imagined. She had her Daddy's full-lips and my round little cheeks. She had the same little nose as Brenna had and lots of dark curly hair! (Aunt MiMi the hairdresser said she had a "crazy" curl pattern!)

Luckily, my sister had the presence of mind to grab my camera and start snapping pictures. Those candid first shots are the best pictures we have of Kinley. Her body failed quickly and even by that evening when the photographer arrived, she looked much different, much worse!Through the day, our family and friends filtered in, saying their hello's and goodbye's. We had a steady stream of visitors in and out of the room and Kinley was rarely put down at all. We introduced Kinley to grandparenst, aunts, uncles, and cousins. We cried tears with friends who had already been in our shoes.

I definitely had my moments of tears, but for the most part I just didn't want to miss one tiny thing about her. I was terrified I would someday forget what she looked like, what she smelled like, what she felt like in my arms....I was right to be worried because I already forget many of the little details.

That night, we decided to send Kinley's body with the nurses in hopes that the cold room they would keep her in would help "preserve" her body a little longer and that I might get some sleep. I had, for the most part, been strong. I didn't sleep well at all, and at some point got up to use the restroom and half walked, half crawled to Jacob's bed accross the room. I collapsed in bed with him in complete hysterics and sobs. He held me tight and between sobs, I said "go get my baby, I want her back, tell them I want her back!!!"

We held her together and rested for a few more hours, but I was already beginning to panic about leaving her. Leaving her to be taken away and put into a tiny casket, leaving her for good, leaving her forever...that time would come all to soon!




My sweet McKinley,

I can't believe you've been gone a year already!! I miss you so much more than words could ever really say! I long to hold you again, to kiss your sweet face, to tell you how much I love you. I know that God had a bigger plan for you than this world, but it doesn't make it any easier for me.

You've touched a lot of lives in the past year! I know that you know that, even more than I do, and I'm so proud to be your Mommy! There are people who live on this earth for a hundred years and never make the impace that you made in just a few short months...you're my little world-changer!

My life today is not anything like I pictured it would be when I was feeling you moving and kicking inside me. I still feel lost sometimes without you. There are days that I'm not sure I'll get through it all. How could someone who was here for such a short amount of time be missed so very much?

We're having a little celebration for you today, we'll be sending you some cards and balloons. Of course I know that the eternal gifts of heaven are far greater than anything we could ever give you here! I hope you're celebrating today too. I hope you're celebrating the mark you made on this world!

I love you baby girl!! Happy Birthday!!!
Mommy

P.S. You know Mommy has so many friends whose babies are there with you...will you give them kisses from their Mommies too? Tell them how much they love them and miss them too!

A Picture Is Worth A Thousand Words!

Just a few of my favorites...







Happy (Almost) 1st Birthday Baby Girl!

By the way, sorry it goes so fast! I can't figure out how to slow the pictures down....guess you can watch it twice if you need to!!

September 23, 2009

Waiting, and waiting, and waiting.

Today is a day in limbo! I'm relieved that yesterday is over and I'm anxiously awaiting the arrival (the the passing) of tomorrow. Today is a day of waiting and hanging in the balance.

Wednesday the 23rd of last year was a day of waiting. I didn't sleep much the night before in my hospital bed. I rested off and on, but was mostly restless.

By morning I had progressed only to about a centimeter dilated. Sometime through the morning to early afternoon, I progressed to a 4 and got stuck there forever!!! Kinley's head would drop and we would think progress was being made, but the next time I got checked it would have moved back up and out of the birth canal. It was exhausting to deal with the labor mixed with the emotion of knowing that Kinley was already gone. I could have done it for days if I had the hope an excitement of delivering a living, crying, baby!

At some point, my back was in intense pain and I decided to go ahead with the epidural to help me relax and rest. So much for that thought! My epidural didn't really work as it was suppose to, so I was constantly asking for more meds, trying to turn by propping myself up on different, sides, and wincing in pain. The left side of my body was numb, the right side was most definitely not. I was nearing the 24 hour mark, and if I had just been contracting I would have been fine, but the back pain was excruciating!

That's pretty much how I spent the 23rd. I don't remember all of it (by this point, I had also been given several meds to calm my nerves and help me sleep). I was just stuck in waiting and wondering....what would the labor be like? would I break-down when I saw her? would I just want them to take her away? would we want pictures of her? would it peaceful or panicky? is it possible to be a loving and caring Mommy to a baby that was dead? how would I ever leave the hospital without her?

My mind was wondering and questioning, but not panicking. My heart was hurting and broken, but not crying out in agony. My room was somber and quiet. God was in the midst of our darkest hours and we really could feel His peace settling into that hospital room. His peace and presence would be even more tangible by the next morning...

September 22, 2009

Of all the days this month, today is the one I was dreading the most. A year ago today, I had a scheduled ultrasound that revealed that our sweet Kinley had no heartbeat. It's very strange how I remember it all. It's like I watch it back on a movie, I can see myself and Jacob like I'm floating somewhere toward the top of the room. There are parts that are as clear as it they're happening right now, but there are parts of the movie that go completely out of focus and parts that are very foggy.

Since I'm re-playing all of the events in my mind over and over, I decided to blog them too. It might help me to put them all down in one place. This is the account of September 22, 2009.

I had already had some signs that something was wrong, and had in fact called the doctor's office a few days before to say I wasn't feeling much movement, but the nurse assured me that it was probably nothing. I resisted the urge to go in and be checked.

Tuesday morning, I woke up like any other morning...got ready for school, taught my classes, even talked to a student about the exciting ultrasound I was having later in the day. I was hoping I could get a good 3D shot of my baby girls face, instead, two days later I would look directly into it.

Megan had just had a surgery and I was busying myself taking care of her and Brenna. I picked Brenna up from school on my way out and took her home to eat and lay down for a nap. We had decided I would take her to my appointment with me, since Megan wasn't really in much shape to care for her at home. My appointment was at 2 and she was still napping, but I tried to wake her and loaded her into the car. Jacob was meeting us at the appointment.

Once in the doctor's office, Brenna went back to sleep (totally a God thing that she slept through the next several minutes!) Jacob and I made small talk, but the knot in my stomach grew larger. A lady at the window told the receptionist how far she was and realized we were only days apart in our pregnancy. She was much much larger than me....was that a bad sign? Somewhere in my mind I was already preparing for what was about to come.

The ultrasound tech called us back and Jacob sat down in the chair a few feet away, holding Brenna on his lap. She began the ultrasound, and immediately upon placing the wand on my stomach asked me if I had been feeling much movement. I said no, and she silently slid the wand over my belly taking a couple of measurements, but saying very little. My heart was dropping, I knew something was very wrong. She left to get the doctor and I knew that it meant something was wrong. I told Jacob that she had never showed us the heartrate. He said that it was probably just the digestive tract again (this ultrasound was scheduled because at 18 weeks the couldn't get a good look at her digestive tract). I just said no, no, it's not. Those moments seemed to take a lifetime, I was hanging in the balance between the beautiful life I had been planning and the devastating news I knew was about to completely rock it!

I'll never forget the look on my doctor's face, I knew as soon as he walked in the door. But something inside of me needed to hear him say the words. So I said "What's wrong? Just tell me now, okay?" He responded that they couldn't find a heartbeat. He looked for a moment on ultrasound too, and then walked out, leaving Jacob and I alone. In that moment I was in shock. I wasn't crying, I was just staring ahead, lost in the world of "this can't be happening".

I picked up the phone and called my Mom. The conversation went something like this..."Mom, they can't find a heartbeat. She's gone." Very matter of fact, very emotionless. My mom thought that it must be wrong and said to make them check again. I just responded "they did check again, she's gone." Then the nurse returned to take us to a room and I hung up.

Once in our room, I made a quick call to Megan. Luckily, our dear friend Lisa was dropping off dinner for her to have for the night, and immediately loaded Megan up to bring her to the doctor's office. Lisa would then take Brenna back home with her where a babysitter would meet them, leaving Megan to be with me. This was all happening outside of my realm of awareness. Then I told Jacob that he would have to call his Mom, although he didn't really want to make that call, I felt that he needed to do it. He actually put it off for a few minutes until I said that I would do it if he just didn't want to, he didn't think I needed to make any more calls and picked up his phone. We sat in a room together, Jacob holding Brenna, and stared at each other in utter disbelief. What had just happened? And where would we go from here?

The next couple moment were some of the hardest...

Brenna began to wake up, and by this time I was crying. She climbed off Jacob's lap and came to me across the room. As I picked her up, she asked me what was wrong. Somewhere in the midst of all that was happening, God gave me the clarity of mind to give her an answer. In calmness and without crying, I said "We're not going to be able to get Kinley out of my belly here on earth. She already got to go to heaven to be with Jesus and she won't be coming back." Her little face is etched in my mind forever, questioning, not understanding, but trusting me that it was okay. (Wow, does that speak volumes!!) I'd be looking at God with that same face for months, and I know that it is etched in His mind too!

I was very careful not to say that Jesus "took" her to heaven, or that she "had" to go. I didn't want her to think it was a bad thing. I think that first conversation with her has greatly shaped how she's reacted through the past year.

The next couple hours are a blur....the nurse came back in, then the doctor, I'd need to deliver her, I'd have to labor, I could go to the hospital now or wait for my labor to start, I would need to plan a service of some sort, I would need to bury her. My sister came....I could hear her crying hysterically in the hallway, I fell apart, the reality of it set in, Jacob held me, Megan made calls, Douglas came, they took me home. My parents arrived, I cried some more, I tried to pack, no one knew what to say or how to act. My grandparents came, Megan made more phone calls, I posted a post on facebook letting the "rest of the world" know that Kinley had passed and that I would be going to the hospital soon to start my labor.

I still run my hand over the dent on the "Ford" plate in the middle of my steering wheel. Jacob had stayed mostly calm. The look on his face the entire time was haunting and sad, but he was mostly holding me up (literally at times!) As we pulled up in front of the house, he suddenly hit the steering wheel with his fist....hard, quick, angry! He would later leave the house to spend some time alone, time which I believe he spent hitting a punching bag. He was dealing with the anger, I was just beginning to deal with the intense sadness.

We arrived at the hospital around 6 and checked in. My first panic set in when I realized that the lady at the registration desk would ask me why I was there. I'd have to say the words again. I'd only spoken what had happened three times, once to my Mom, once to Megan, and then to Brenna. Now to a complete stranger. She began with my name and then asked why I was there. I don't really remember what I answered, I believe I said I was there to deliver my baby who had passed away. She was sweet and kind and caring. She treated me very gently. By this point, my extended family started arriving, beginning with my aunt Christy. They would surround me with love and prayer for the next few days in the hospital! Jacob's parents and sisters (and Adam) arrived as well. Amazing, doesn't begin to describe our family!!! They overtook an entire extra hospital room as well as the waiting room down the hall. They "camped out", they cried, they prayed, they rubbed my feet, they played with my hair, they fed Jacob.

By 7, I was settled in a room and then had begun to get me hooked up. At some point around 7:30 or 8, the doctor came in to begin the process of starting my labor. Pastor Greg arrived to pray with me, more of my family arrived, we tried to rest, we tried to pray, we waited.....

Approaching Kinley's Birthday

I'm so quickly approaching Kinley's first birthday and my feelings and emotions are rising daily! My experience so far has been that the build-up to the holidays and "tough" days has been much worse than the day itself. Usually there's a day about two or three days before the big day that I completely fall apart. So far, I've been "home" for all of those days and either Megan and Brenna or Destiny and Cayden have stepped in to be there for me by coming over and not only listening, but providing a distraction. This time, I'm here in Knoxville, and to large extent, I'm alone. I've been trying so hard to prepare myself for that day and to remind myself of all the good that's come from us having Kinley. But no matter how much I focus on the good, the bad is still there!!

I'm now ten days from her birthday and I'm finding my mind wandering so much to the "could have beens" and "should have beens". I should be planning a birthday party, but instead I'm trying to figure out what to do to celebrate an event that doesn't warrant celebration. I'm trying to navigate what's appropriate for the situation and how to best honor Kinley. I find myself wondering, if she can look down from heaven and see me, would she want me to celebrate, to mourn, or to let the day pass without doing either? A large part of me wishes we could just let it slip by without drawing any attention to it. But the Mom in me knows that she deserves more than that. I know that I'd feel guilty if I didn't do something. So I'm going to combine celebration and mourning. That's the best that I can do!

Brenna asked me the last time I was home if we could give her any presents for her birthday. She wanted to send them up to heaven with a balloon. I told her we really couldn't do that, but that we could draw her a picture and write her a letter and send that to heaven with a balloon. She said "Well when we go to heaven or she comes back here, or whichever one happens, I'll give her some of my toys for her birthday." I told her that was really sweet of her. In true Brenna fashion, she followed with "well I'll give her the ones I don't play with anymore and I don't want!" (Hey, she's wise beyond her years, but she's still 3!!) But the point is, I think we'll use Brenna's idea and at least send her pictures tied to balloons. I'm also trying to find an idea for how to give a gift that would honor Kinley's life.

For now, the plan is to meet at Kinley's gravesite on her birthday, Friday September 24th. We'll spend some time writing letters and drawing pictures for her, and then tie them to balloons to be sent to her in heaven. We'll sing "Happy Birthday" through our tears and let the balloons go at the end of the song. Then I'll spend the rest of the evening with my family eating pizza and celebrating the mark that she made on our hearts and in our lives. Her first steps may be in heaven, but her first footprint is on my heart!

And I'm still left thinking...."Has it really been a year?"

By the way, if you feel like Kinley has touched your life and you want to celebrate her brief time on this earth, you're welcome to join us at the gravesite that evening. The plan is to meet there at 6:30 Friday evening. She's buried at St. Boniface cemetery, in the Baby Land toward the back of the cemetery. If you plan to come, please send me an email or comment on this post to let me know so that I'm sure I have enough balloons. I'll also have plenty of paper and markers to make the cards/letters. If you can't be there, feel free to send your own balloon to heaven. Be sure to let me know if you do!!

"I thank my God every time I remember you." Phillipians 1:3

"But Jesus called to him, saying, "Let the children come to me, and do not hinder them, for to such belongs the kingdom of God." Luke 18:16