The Dream

I won't be posting for a few days because I'm leaving early in the morning (like 3:30!) for Florida for a long weekend! I'm so excited for a little break from life to spend some time with some of the ladies in my family and see my brother!

BUT.... I HAD to get this post in before I take off, so I'm taking a break from packing to tell you another amazing way that God has blessed us in the past few weeks.

As some of you understand, a pregnancy following the loss of a child brings about a plethora of emotion. It's frightening to be pregnant again. It also brings back all of those feelings of hurt and it makes you miss your baby even more. Because I have friends who have been through it, I was prepared for this. I even prayed about it long before I got pregnant. I knew that to some extent it would be hard for me to be pregnant again, even though it's been my greatest desire for the past couple years.

Unbeknownst to me, Jacob was struggling with some of these same feelings. More specifically, he was having a hard time being excited about the new baby because in some way he was feeling almost guilty. It was hard for him to be excited because it was hard to move on from losing Kinley. It was almost as if he was afraid it would hurt her for him to be happy about a new baby.

We hadn't discussed this at all. As a matter of fact, I thought his hesitation to be excited was more about fear of losing this baby. I had no idea he was struggling with being happy and no idea that it had anything to do with Kinley. Let me reiterate, he hadn't shared his feelings with anyone!

On the Sunday morning after we announced our pregnancy, a man from our church, (someone we would consider to be in the a friend, but not necessarily a close friend who we spend a great deal of time with or would confide in) approached Jacob in the lobby. He told him the following (paraphrased in my words because I wasn't there)...

I had a dream about you last night that I feel like I'm suppose to tell you. I saw Kinley sitting on God's knee and all she said was "It's okay daddy. I'm fine. It's okay to be happy."

Wow!!! Jacob hadn't shared his concerns with anyone, but God had seen his struggle. He could have given Jacob the dream, but that might have been too easy for him to try to explain away. God knew exactly what Jacob needed to hear and exactly how Jacob needed to hear it.

Tell me we don't serve a BIG God!!! Not only did He answer our prayers for a miracle, He also cares enough for Jacob to ease his mind and allow him to fully enjoy this pregnancy!! What a precious reminder that our little girl is happy in heaven and wants us to be happy here on earth. I think Kinley is just as excited about this blessing as the rest of us!!

The Full Story!

Wow! Where to even start with this post?! First, our computer is back up and running and I plan on giving you all plenty of updates in the near future!!! Second, pardon any errors in this post, I'm writing at 4:00 in the morning. My "morning sickness" has turned into morning, noon, and night sickness, and I've been up all night with a very sick tummy! Also, if you haven't watched our video yet, you want to scroll down and watch it before reading on in this post!

If I had one word to sum up these last few weeks it would simply be "emotional". Pretty much every emotion you can think of, I've experienced in the past few weeks! I've been happy to the point of tears, sad to the point of tears, nervous to the point of tears, and joyous to the point of giggling! (Notice there are a lot of tears....thank you pregnancy hormones!)

So let me give you the rest of the story on finding out we were expecting. If you've been keeping up with my blog, you probably know that when we moved back to Indiana in early summer, we decided to give ourselves a few months off from seeing a fertility specialist. I just thought it was best to take a break financially and allow ourselves some time to get settled back in at home. We were looking for a house to buy and living in temporary housing and just seemed to have enough on our plates. Of course, to completely stop trying to get pregnant was completely out of the question!

I started seeing my regular OB here in Lafayette and asked him to put me on a different medication. It was a low-dose pill that works similar to Clomid. Right away, I seemed to respond better to the medication. By the way, I'm in no way crediting that to the medication itself, that was just purely God saying "It's time to get rolling here!" There is no medical reason why that pill would work better for me than anything else. Actually, my doctor and I were both shocked to see that I was producing 2-3 follicles on it when that's basically all I was getting with the high-dose injections!

In the first month of the medication, I miscarried. In the second month, I asked the doctor to check my progesterone level on day 21 AND day 24. Mine has always been great on day 21, which is the normal day for checking it, but I just had a hunch that something was happening with it. Dr. H said he fully expected it to be fine, but would check it to see. To his surprise, but not mine, my progesterone totally plummeted between days 21 and 24. That would explain my early miscarriages!

In month three, I took the medication and then also supplemented my cycle with progesterone. I also had an ultrasound to check my follicles and got a shot of HCG to force my body to ovulate on time. Because of that, I knew exactly when I could take a pregnancy test!

So on Thursday morning, September 8th, I woke up as Jacob was leaving for work and hurried in to take a test. I can't say I was shocked with the positive result, because I had been feeling different and was sort of expecting it. But, when you've been trying for so long, it's still hard to believe. I hurried to the garage to catch Jacob and showed him the test. We were cautiously excited, but because of my HCG shot I wanted to get blood work done ASAP!

On Thursday, my HCG level was 35. It was a positive pregnancy level, but still low and it was impossible to say if that was because it was so early (still 4 days before my period was even due!) or if it was left-over from the shot. On Saturday, my level had jumped up to 105 and confirmed that we were pregnant!!! A third level checked 4 days later had jumped even higher to 825!

We told our immediately family and my two closest friends on Saturday and decided to hold off until Kinley's birthday to share the news with the rest of our family and friends. Of course, a few of us slipped in the meantime and told some people!

Since then, we've had two ultrasounds and everything seems to be progressing well. We were able to see the slightest flicker of a heartbeat the day before Kinley's birthday, but couldn't hear the heartbeat yet. We're both anxiously awaiting that moment!!

We've all been a huge bundle of emotions over the past several weeks and I don't foresee that changing anytime soon! Although it's difficult not to analyze every little ache, pain, and twinge, God has really provided me with a sense of peace about this pregnancy. I appreciate your continued prayers for that peace and for our little miracle!!

(Oh, and stay tuned....I have a truly amazing story about how God used another man in our church to provide him with the reassurance that he needed at just the right time!!!)

Just Enough Strength

As I near Kinley's 2nd birthday, I find myself right back in the middle of an entire storm of emotion. On Thursday, it will have been 2 years since I heard the words "we can't find a heartbeat". And on Saturday it will be two years since we first saw Kinley's sweet face. The full gravity of how different I am today than I was on those days can't even be explained by words. As a matter of fact, this year, I'm finding myself at a total loss for words. What words can I possibly say (or type) that will capture the full depth of my feelings? There are none!

And yet, I've found myself being constantly caught up in and encouraged by the music that I've been listening to. Sometimes a song will state my emotion better than I can even do it myself! Some time ago, I started listening to pretty much exclusively Christian music. I can't tell you what a HUGE decision that has turned out to be for me. The music you listen to may seem insignificant, but it's what you're putting into your heart! If you're a Christian, I highly recommend committing to only listen to Christian music, even if it's just for a specified amount of time. Try it for a week or a month, you'll be surprised how God uses it...

Sometimes I listen and even sing along, but don't really "hear" the words. Sometimes the words hit me as if God Himself were speaking them directly to me. Today, I heard this song and it so captured my thoughts...

I want all that's Yours

Joy unspeakable that won't go away

And just enough strength

To live for today

So I never have to worry

What tomorrow will bring

Cause my faith is on solid rock

And I am counting on God

How true those words felt today! I want that joy unspeakable! And to be honest, even through my darkest days, the joy of the Lord was there. "And just enough strength to live for today!" Thank you Jesus for enough strength to just get through the day. I don't have to worry about Thursday or Saturday because my faith is solid and I'm counting on God to be there. And He will, with just enough strength for that day!!

Approaching Kinley's Birthday

I'm so quickly approaching Kinley's first birthday and my feelings and emotions are rising daily! My experience so far has been that the build-up to the holidays and "tough" days has been much worse than the day itself. Usually there's a day about two or three days before the big day that I completely fall apart. So far, I've been "home" for all of those days and either Megan and Brenna or Destiny and Cayden have stepped in to be there for me by coming over and not only listening, but providing a distraction. This time, I'm here in Knoxville, and to large extent, I'm alone. I've been trying so hard to prepare myself for that day and to remind myself of all the good that's come from us having Kinley. But no matter how much I focus on the good, the bad is still there!!

I'm now ten days from her birthday and I'm finding my mind wandering so much to the "could have beens" and "should have beens". I should be planning a birthday party, but instead I'm trying to figure out what to do to celebrate an event that doesn't warrant celebration. I'm trying to navigate what's appropriate for the situation and how to best honor Kinley. I find myself wondering, if she can look down from heaven and see me, would she want me to celebrate, to mourn, or to let the day pass without doing either? A large part of me wishes we could just let it slip by without drawing any attention to it. But the Mom in me knows that she deserves more than that. I know that I'd feel guilty if I didn't do something. So I'm going to combine celebration and mourning. That's the best that I can do!

Brenna asked me the last time I was home if we could give her any presents for her birthday. She wanted to send them up to heaven with a balloon. I told her we really couldn't do that, but that we could draw her a picture and write her a letter and send that to heaven with a balloon. She said "Well when we go to heaven or she comes back here, or whichever one happens, I'll give her some of my toys for her birthday." I told her that was really sweet of her. In true Brenna fashion, she followed with "well I'll give her the ones I don't play with anymore and I don't want!" (Hey, she's wise beyond her years, but she's still 3!!) But the point is, I think we'll use Brenna's idea and at least send her pictures tied to balloons. I'm also trying to find an idea for how to give a gift that would honor Kinley's life.

For now, the plan is to meet at Kinley's gravesite on her birthday, Friday September 24th. We'll spend some time writing letters and drawing pictures for her, and then tie them to balloons to be sent to her in heaven. We'll sing "Happy Birthday" through our tears and let the balloons go at the end of the song. Then I'll spend the rest of the evening with my family eating pizza and celebrating the mark that she made on our hearts and in our lives. Her first steps may be in heaven, but her first footprint is on my heart!

And I'm still left thinking...."Has it really been a year?"

By the way, if you feel like Kinley has touched your life and you want to celebrate her brief time on this earth, you're welcome to join us at the gravesite that evening. The plan is to meet there at 6:30 Friday evening. She's buried at St. Boniface cemetery, in the Baby Land toward the back of the cemetery. If you plan to come, please send me an email or comment on this post to let me know so that I'm sure I have enough balloons. I'll also have plenty of paper and markers to make the cards/letters. If you can't be there, feel free to send your own balloon to heaven. Be sure to let me know if you do!!

"I thank my God every time I remember you." Phillipians 1:3

"But Jesus called to him, saying, "Let the children come to me, and do not hinder them, for to such belongs the kingdom of God." Luke 18:16