Anger

Warning this is another of my very raw, very real posts!

Today we found out that our most recent fertility attempt failed. I have been doing better each month at handling that news, but this one was tough.

I started the month off praying, not that the IUI would work, but that if this was God's timing everything would go well. I also prayed, that if not, God would not allow the cycle to be "smooth". I just asked Him to give me some clues that it's not time yet....a bad blood test, not many follicles, a difficult IUI, just something to clue me in.

The entire cycle went perfectly. Everything went great and looked great right up until today. I had almost allowed myself to believe that it had actually worked and I was pregnant. Then all hope was shattered again.

I was upset, I was frustrated, I was disappointed, I was angry! I cried, I prayed, I cried, I stared at the wall blankly, I cried. After a couple hours, I decided I needed to get up and do something, so I put on my worship music and started cleaning the house. As I cleared off the coffee table I, of course, came across a Parenting magazine that had come in the mail the day before. (I have NO idea why I'm still getting them anyway!)

I snapped! I got very angry...angry to the point that I literally threw the magazine across my living room and into the kitchen. It hit my refrigerator and knocked all the papers off, and I screamed. It wasn't a scared scream, it was a loud angry scream!! And then I collapsed into a heap on my floor and sobbed.

I was and still am angry at God. I'm angry that Kinley is gone. I'm angry that I can't get pregnant. I'm angry that I'm 6 1/2 hours away from most of the people who love me. But most of all, I'm angry that God allowed everything this month to go well and then didn't allow me to become pregnant. I don't understand what His purpose was for that. I may never understand.

I know that lots of time people comment on how "strong" I am, but I assure you, I'm very human!!! The truth is, I'm on the edge of losing it! I'm exhausted physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

Luckily, my angry tantrum with God today will pass. It's much like when I get angry with my husband. I may spout off in my anger, but when it's over, I know and he knows that I still love him. I'm not giving up, I'm not giving in, I'm just getting my anger out. I can't guarantee that tomorrow will be any better than today, but I know God's not done yet!!

Life As I Know It...

As promised, here's the "more info" about our most current attempts at getting pregnant!

First, let me say that for those of you who have been through the full gamut of treatment, I realize that this isn't the "worst" that there is. For those of you who haven't, it's not fun, but when you really want a baby, it's not all that bad!

This is what my life looks like right now....

Okay, not my whole life, but at least a portion of it!!

In the morning, I do an injection in my stomach. I do this one myself because since it's in my belly, I can see to do it. It's not bad at all, although it is leaving bruises. This is a micro-dose injection of Lupron. (This is the same medication that I was given an injection of a year ago to induce a menopause-like state. However, in this much smaller dose it works differently.) The point of the Lupron is to keep me from ovulating on my own, which means they can "stimulate" for more days and allow more follicles to mature. Like I said, this shot is in my stomach and I use a very small needle. Actually I use this needle...

It's only about a 3/4 inch needle and it's similar to those used for insulin injections.

Then each night we do a second injection. I say "we" because I can't do this one by myself. It's given in my "hip" (which really means my butt!) It's a much larger needle and it hurts much worse!! As you can see from the first picture, I'm mixing 2 vials of dissolvent solution with 4 amps of medication. 4 amps of HMG is the most that they will give me for an IUI, so it's a pretty high dose. Oh and each of those tiny amps of medicine costs $30. Therefore, I'm injecting $120 worth of medicine each night!! This could continue for anywhere between 8 and 12 days! Yikes! (All of our Christmas money plus some is going to fund this attempt!)

The hope is that it will help to stimulate multiple follicles instead of just one or two. Like I said, Jacob does this shot for me each night. He's pretty good and most of the time it's not too bad. I'm sore in the injection spots the next day, but it's nothing major. And because we're currently out of practice on it, the last few days have been kind of tough! Here's the larger needle that we use for the night time shot.

It's a 1 & 1/2 inch needle. The lady at the pharmacy said "Are you sure this is right? Do you realize that this is a really BIG needle?" Yes I do, and thank you for pointing that out!! :)

So, that's it, that's life as we know it! I'll be going in every other day for blood work and an ultrasound to monitor how quickly I'm stimulating. When the follicles are ready, I'll be given a different shot to force my body to ovulate. Then we'll have an IUI. Please be praying that this goes according to God's plan!

God Is In Control

My biggest struggle as a married Christian woman has been the need I have to be in control. It's my biggest struggle in marriage and it's my biggest struggle in my Christian walk. There are positives to being a controlling, organized person, but for the most part, it's my biggest downfall. I have a very hard time trusting someone else to be in control. It comes out often in my married life, and although I'm trying hard to let Jacob be the head of the household, I know I still need a lot of work!

More importantly, it's a recurring obstacle in my relationship with God. Who am I to question God's authority and His purpose for my life?? Yet, still I do! God has stretched me in this a great deal over the last couple of years. Through my pregnancy with Kinley, I did a pretty good job of giving up control. I did what I could to have a healthy pregnancy, but ultimately I knew her life was in God's hands. Walking through losing her, I had little control over much of anything!

In infertility, I've tried desperately to trust God. There's not much that I can control about it, but I must admit that I do like those aspects of it that are controllable and predictable. Although ultimately I have no control over what works and what doesn't, I do like the predictability of knowing some things as absolute. Even through all of the infertility, my cycle has been predictable and reliable. I don't control it necessarily, but I know what to expect. I take a medicine, I have a positive ovulation test on day 14, I ovulate on day 15, I know my exact PMS symptoms, I start my period on day 28. I know everything there is to know about every step of the way. If I can't control it, I can at least be very knowledgeable and informed.

Isn't it fun how God likes to stir things up?! This month, he took complete control of my cycle and shook things up a bit....just to remind me that He's still in control! He's bigger than temperature charts, positive ovulation tests, follicle sizes, periods, and all other aspects of fertility. In the end, He's in control, not me, not the medicine, not the doctor, just Him! So, this is what He had designed for this month....

I was in Indiana because my Grandpa passed away, and as I mentioned before, I had a positive ovulation test on day 12 (not 14 as planned!) which means that I missed my IUI for this month.

I saw the doctor and we made a "plan" for once I started my period. I was to take birth control for about a week and then begin my injectable medications. However, I never started my period. I took a couple pregnancy tests and they were negative. I didn't feel pregnant, and I didn't feel like I was going to start my period. BUT, I know my fertility facts and I know that if you ovulate, you have to have a period. And I know that the number of days between when you ovulate and when you start your period is pretty consistent.

So today, I went back to the doctor. I fully expected them to say that I must not have really ovulated and done a pregnancy test just to be sure. I figured my blood work would come back that I was probably about to start my period and we would go from there.

Oh how I love when God has little surprises in store! The doctor was pretty surprised as well and said he'd do some blood work and try to see what was going on. I likely either ovulated and the egg was "absorbed" by my tubes (apparently this happens occasionally) or didn't ovulate (although he felt pretty strongly that I did based on the size of the follicle and the positive ovulation test). Finally, he said he was really feeling like maybe we should do an ultrasound to see what was going on.

The ultrasound revealed even more surprising news! My uterine lining looked great, just like it should right before I ovulate except that I shouldn't be just about to ovulate! In addition, I had two large follicles! One on each side! I had no medicine and no period, but I have two great follicles that are ready to ovulate any time. The doctor said I had "defied all odds" this month. They really have no idea what happened, but the blood work confirmed that I was ready to ovulate. I basically skipped over the two weeks of my cycle where I have a period and take medicine. We had planned to start injectable medicines, but that's obviously not necessary! We're hoping to have an IUI in the next few days and we're excited to see what God has in store for the next few months!

Thank you God for reminding me that YOU and only YOU are in control!

Taking Another Step

Sorry it's been awhile since I've given an update on my own fertility "journey". I honestly have been struggling with a lot of depression and anxiety about it and I just didn't want to talk about it. For some reason, sometimes the fear of it never working and the hurt of nothing working up to this point just completely consume me. That happens to be much worse during the holidays.

Last month we decided that we would take the month off and begin to consider the possibility of doing an IVF cycle in the spring. However, when I called the doctor's office and spoke to the nurse she said that the doctor was "reasonably confident" that I would get pregnant with an IUI and would do one at 1/2 price. Being the bargain shopper that I am, I just couldn't pass up half-price! :)

I took Tamoxifen again for the second month in a row. The first month, I did not do well with the medicine...I felt awful, had headaches, felt nauseous, it was just bad! But the second month went much more smoothly. I felt a lot better and it really wasn't too difficult of a month. Because I had spent quite a bit of time in Indiana due to my Grandpa passing away and Jacob working out of the Lafayette plant for a week, I was a little nervous that we wouldn't be back in Tennessee in time for the IUI. Even in the midst of infertility, though, I've always had a very reliable cycle! I ALWAYS have a positive ovulation test on day 14 and ovulate on day 15. Well....wouldn't you know, I ovulated 2 days early! So, we missed the IUI because we were still in Indiana!

For those of you who don't know anything about endometriosis, one of the reasons that some doctors believe that an IUI is helpful in women with infertility caused by endometriosis is that endometriosis can cause an increased amount of "macrophages". Basically, macrophages attack foreign material in your body. The increased macrophages are due to the constant presence of disease in the uterus. Basically, your body is always on attack-mode. Unfortunately, that can mean that the macrophages also attack sperm. Basically, the IUI puts the sperm closer to where it needs to be! (Now I'm not a doctor, so please don't hold me to any of this or quote me as an expert!!!) Basically, the IUI is a good thing for us to have each month, but we missed out this past month!

So, today we saw the doctor again. There were a lot of factors to discuss and I won't bore you with everything, but here were the bullet points from the appointment....

- The doctor does NOT feel like I'm going to need an IVF to get pregnant, at least at this point. He's pretty confident that the surgery went well enough that our chances are looking up. Since the surgery, we've only had one IUI, so it makes sense to still be confident in the possibility of it working.

- My egg reserve test did show a low egg reserve, which is still a concern in the back of our minds. Basically it means that I won't "stimulate" (produce as many eggs) as other women my age, no matter what treatment we do. The bad news is that there is also some evidence that women with a low reserve also have lower quality eggs, which makes our chances of getting pregnant lower. If we need to go to an IVF cycle, we will probably have difficulty getting the number of follicles that most fertility patients get. It's likely that we would not have eggs to freeze and use at another time. So, the $15,000 would really be for ONE try!

- We decided that the best option for us at this point is to move on from the tamoxifen to the injectable medications. This time we'll be starting with a higher dose of medication from the beginning in hopes of getting more follicles (eggs). I'll also be adding another medication in addition to the HMG. I'll take injections of Lupron to prevent me from ovulating on my own. This will allow us to stimulate for longer without the fear of me ovulating before it's time. Using the injectables in this way will also give us a good idea of how I would stimulate for IVF if that becomes necessary.

Originally, we decided to sit out my next cycle and start the injectables toward the end of January. Although the cost of an injectable cycle with an IUI is much cheaper than IVF, it's still a big cost for us! Because of the dose of medicine I need, it can easily cost anywhere from $1,500-2,000. Unfortunately, we don't have that as "extra" in our budget! We knew we'd need the next four weeks to save up some to get ready for the cost. However, we have a wonderful couple in our lives who have said they will serve as our financial backers! They're willing to loan us the money in order for us to be able to go ahead with the injections as soon as possible! Thank you Jesus for our amazing family!!!! It's not fun to borrow money, but we're just very thankful for the opportunity to continue trying to start our family!

So....all that said, I should be ready to start injections by early next week. By Monday or Tuesday, Jacob will be back to injecting medicine in my back-side nightly, this time with an added injection in my belly as well! Yipee! :) Please pray for us over the next several weeks as we take yet another step forward in our "journey"! As our doctor said today "only God knows what will work and when"!

****Added Correction.....because of the timing and with Christmas and New Year's, it's going to work best for me to take a birth control pill for a week or so and begin the injections after the first of the year. Basically, we're hitting "pause" for about a week!

Ultrasound and IUI

Just to update everyone on where we are with our fertility "journey"...

I had an ultrasound on Wednesday that showed that this new medication had fixed the problem with my uterine lining. The lining was very good. However, I just have one good follicle, and it was a VERY good size. There aren't really any other smaller follicles on either side. Although most "normal" people get pregnant with one follicle, and it's completely possible, I still am just not responding well to ovulation induction. We will, however, still have an IUI this month (probably tomorrow morning).

In the bigger picture, the fact that I'm only having one follicle at a time is alarming to me because of the test on my egg supply a few months ago. I sort of went into panic-mode! I had hoped that the scar tissue had been most of the problem and that I would respond better to medication after the surgery, but that doesn't seem to be the case.

Jacob and I are considering our options for going forward with treatment and trying to decide how to balance the financial burden of IVF with the scary thought that our time to conceive may be limited. Please pray with us over the next several weeks that God would give us a clear direction as to what we should do next.

By the way, I know that I'm kind of jumping the gun with this since we are still doing an IUI this month, and it's completely possible that I could get pregnant. We just have to plan ahead and decide where to go if it doesn't work so that we can begin the process of saving, getting a loan, finding $15,000 on the roadside, winning the lottery (which we don't play), getting on a game show, you know....that sort of thing!

Thank you all for your support and prayers through this entire process! We can't say enough how much we appreciate it...by the way, we're open to suggestions, advice, and opinions!!! Feel free to comment here or send me an email (ericabcrum@gmail.com) or facebook message!

Oh and....if you're not yet "following" my blog, please become a "follower" so that I know you're reading!! Just go down the screen and click on "Follow" on the right-hand side. :)

Quick Update...

Just a quick update for those who have asked if Jacob and I are able to do an IUI yet or what our plan is at this point...

I took Clomid this month and planned to have an IUI about a week ago. I had an ultrasound on day twelve, and had several small follicles but only one "lead" or mature follicle. My uterine lining was also too thin. Although the doctor wasn't overly concerned about this, Jacob and I decided that we just couldn't put the money into a "long shot" IUI. We decided to cancel the procedure.

Although this cycle isn't necessarily a complete bust, it's not a great month for us either. I was disappointed with the results of the Clomid. They will be switching me to a new medication next month and we'll try again!!

By the way, instead of the IUI, we spent a little bit of that money to go to a hotel in Louisville and spend a little quality time together....so nice!

Thank you all for your prayers for us and for being so concerned!! It really does mean so very much to have so many people reading the blog and letting us know that you're thinking of us and praying for us!

On a completely different note, I know I haven't been blogging much lately. I've been blessed to be able to spend quite a bit of time at home with my sister and her sweet new addition!!! It's too hard to put Bristol down long enough to type a blog. :) I love being here to snuggle with her! And my sweet Brenna girl turns 4 tomorrow! It's so hard to believe that she's growing up so quickly!!! She's so very entertaining and just precious beyond belief. I love my two sweet nieces so much!!!!

Doctor's Appointment

I got a great report at my doctor's office today! It was my follow-up appointment from the surgery I had about three weeks ago. The doctor was very optimistic about the results of my surgery. He really seemed to feel like the endometriosis that was there was likely "left-over" from the last surgery and not really new growths, which means it hadn't rapidly returned like we had feared.

The scar tissue was very severe. The left ovary was completely bonded to my tube and uterus and the right ovary was covered in scar tissue as well. He felt certain that this has been my fertility issue. Of course, you can't know for sure if the scar tissue will return, but he felt good about it.

A couple months ago Jacob and I were devastated by the news that we would likely need IVF to conceive. We just didn't have the finances to proceed with that at the time. Today, I was told that we could try a couple rounds of oral medication....not IVF, not injectables, but Clomid!!! I was pleasantly surprised to hear that this was an option. This not only means that it will be much cheaper than the injectables (probably $1500-2000 cheaper for medicine and several less ultrasounds and blood tests that add up as well), but also means that we can start "trying" again sooner than we had planned! The plan is to try a round of Clomid with an IUI. In about two months our projected cost of trying to get pregnant went from $20,000 to about $370. We are thrilled with the news!!!!

All of this came the day after I posted this status on facebook...

"survived my final "first anniversary"! Today was the day we buried Kinley and had her memorial service one year ago...tomorrow starts a new year for us!!!"

Isn't our God an awesome God??? We didn't get our ultimate "good news" yet, but isn't this an awesome start? God is working and this is truly a new year for us!!

Specific Prayer Request

Alright blogging friends, I know so many of you are praying for Jacob and I, and we are so very appreciative of that!! I just wanted to give you a little more information so that you would know how to pray for us more specifically. Until this point, we have really kept the process to ourselves, but I felt like it was time to call on some more of God's prayer warriors to help lift up our specific needs.

Just a little bit of background info in case you don't know our story:

Oct. 2008 - I realized my cycle wasn't "normal" and saw the doctor to discuss some treatment

Dec. 08 - I started Clomid

March 2009 - I miraculously became pregnant

Sept 09 - At 29 weeks gestation, Kinley was stillborn

Dec 09 - I started Clomid AGAIN!

March 2010 - After taking the Clomid for a few months, I knew it wasn't working. I was scheduled for a laparoscopy. The doctor discovered Stage III endometriosis. He was surprised by how bad it was and said it was a "fluke" that I ever got pregnant with the endometriosis.

April and May 10 - I received Lupron injections

June 10 - I had my first appointment with the fertility specialist in Knoxville. He was very proactive and I began injectable medications and had my first IUI, it failed.

July 10 - Did another month of injectables and IUI and it again failed.

That brings us to today... I have not really responded well to the injectable meds, so there is some concern that I may have a low egg reserve. I had a blood test done that should give us more information about that in about a week. In addition, the doctor is concerned that there is some scar tissue from the endometriosis and the surgery.

Basically, Jacob and I are to the point that we need to make some decisions about what to do from here. We currently have the option of one more IUI with a higher initial dose of injectables or taking a break from trying to get pregnant until we can save the money (about $12,000) for IVF. There are positives and negatives to both options and we really don't have a clear direction yet on what to do from here.

We're seeking God's direction and want to be sure that we're within His will with our next few steps. Please pray with us for clear direction in our decision making and our finances as well as for peace mind and a renewed hope in God's promises for us. It's very easy for me to get frustrated with the fact that I became pregnant with Kinley relatively easily only to lose her so soon. As well as to begin questioning why God would allow me to go through that and now have such difficulty getting pregnant again. I know God's still in control and I know He has a plan for us, but it sure wouldn't hurt to have a few extra prayers!! Thanks to you all!!