Time Change

Because of conflict with Jacob's work, we need to change the time of our celebration of Kinley's life to 7:00 next Friday the 24th. So, if you're planning to join us, note the time change and remember to let me know you're coming!!

Approaching Kinley's Birthday

I'm so quickly approaching Kinley's first birthday and my feelings and emotions are rising daily! My experience so far has been that the build-up to the holidays and "tough" days has been much worse than the day itself. Usually there's a day about two or three days before the big day that I completely fall apart. So far, I've been "home" for all of those days and either Megan and Brenna or Destiny and Cayden have stepped in to be there for me by coming over and not only listening, but providing a distraction. This time, I'm here in Knoxville, and to large extent, I'm alone. I've been trying so hard to prepare myself for that day and to remind myself of all the good that's come from us having Kinley. But no matter how much I focus on the good, the bad is still there!!

I'm now ten days from her birthday and I'm finding my mind wandering so much to the "could have beens" and "should have beens". I should be planning a birthday party, but instead I'm trying to figure out what to do to celebrate an event that doesn't warrant celebration. I'm trying to navigate what's appropriate for the situation and how to best honor Kinley. I find myself wondering, if she can look down from heaven and see me, would she want me to celebrate, to mourn, or to let the day pass without doing either? A large part of me wishes we could just let it slip by without drawing any attention to it. But the Mom in me knows that she deserves more than that. I know that I'd feel guilty if I didn't do something. So I'm going to combine celebration and mourning. That's the best that I can do!

Brenna asked me the last time I was home if we could give her any presents for her birthday. She wanted to send them up to heaven with a balloon. I told her we really couldn't do that, but that we could draw her a picture and write her a letter and send that to heaven with a balloon. She said "Well when we go to heaven or she comes back here, or whichever one happens, I'll give her some of my toys for her birthday." I told her that was really sweet of her. In true Brenna fashion, she followed with "well I'll give her the ones I don't play with anymore and I don't want!" (Hey, she's wise beyond her years, but she's still 3!!) But the point is, I think we'll use Brenna's idea and at least send her pictures tied to balloons. I'm also trying to find an idea for how to give a gift that would honor Kinley's life.

For now, the plan is to meet at Kinley's gravesite on her birthday, Friday September 24th. We'll spend some time writing letters and drawing pictures for her, and then tie them to balloons to be sent to her in heaven. We'll sing "Happy Birthday" through our tears and let the balloons go at the end of the song. Then I'll spend the rest of the evening with my family eating pizza and celebrating the mark that she made on our hearts and in our lives. Her first steps may be in heaven, but her first footprint is on my heart!

And I'm still left thinking...."Has it really been a year?"

By the way, if you feel like Kinley has touched your life and you want to celebrate her brief time on this earth, you're welcome to join us at the gravesite that evening. The plan is to meet there at 6:30 Friday evening. She's buried at St. Boniface cemetery, in the Baby Land toward the back of the cemetery. If you plan to come, please send me an email or comment on this post to let me know so that I'm sure I have enough balloons. I'll also have plenty of paper and markers to make the cards/letters. If you can't be there, feel free to send your own balloon to heaven. Be sure to let me know if you do!!

"I thank my God every time I remember you." Phillipians 1:3

"But Jesus called to him, saying, "Let the children come to me, and do not hinder them, for to such belongs the kingdom of God." Luke 18:16

Surgery Results

Hello Everyone!!! Sorry for the brief break from blogging, as I type, I'm stretched out on my couch hurting but recovering! I'm at the point that I feel lucid enough to type this because I'm in enough pain to know that the pain medication is nearly worn off!! Hopefully I make sense, but if I don't, I can't be blamed! Blame it on the hydrocodone!

My surgery Tuesday went well. It took about two hours to get me all cleaned out, but the doctor seemed optimistic about the results. Surgery began at 8 and by 11 I was waking up in the recovery room. The recovery people were in a real hurry to get me out the door, and I wasn't having an easy time complying with that....they had me up and getting dressed and going to the bathroom long before I felt ready! I came out of the bathroom feeling really dizzy and found that they had already cleaned my bed and moved it. No one was around to help me, and I almost passed out, so I collapsed in a wheelchair and nearly started to cry. Pretty soon a nurse came in with Jacob. I guess she could tell by the way I was slumped in the wheelchair that I wasn't ready to go home, so she put me back in bed and gave me another bag of fluids. I finally started feeling better and made it home around 2:00.

I wasn't able to talk to the doctor because I was still pretty out of it, so I called the nurse yesterday to get the report from her. She said that the doctor removed a little endometriosis, but mostly adhesions (scar tissue). He was pleased with this because the scar tissue will not likely return after being removed. In addition, the endometriosis was located mostly on my ovaries, so he was able to put a protective coating over my ovaries to help prevent it from returning again. I felt good about the fact that there wasn't a lot of endometriosis grown back yet. I had been worried that it had returned so quickly, but in fact, it was just the scar tissue causing the problems.

In addition, after getting a look at what was going on, he felt like the scar tissue was the problem in us getting pregnant previously. He seemed optimistic that I will be able to get pregnant and possibly even by using another IUI rather than moving on to IVF!! This is a huge blessing for us, because as you know, we were concerned about the cost of IVF! We'll be able to give the IUI a couple more shots before needing to move on! We still need to save some in order to do another IUI, so it will probably be a couple months before we're ready, but we'll keep you all posted. I'm thinking probably November will be our next try.

Thank you so much for your prayers!!! I feel so much better about our prognosis and feel excited to have finally received some GOOD news!!! Keep praying, your prayers are working!!!

(By the way, isn't it awesome to be a part of God working in someone's life. I love it when I've been praying for something or someone and the prayer gets answered, even in part!! It feels great to be a part of it, and you're all a part of it! Imagine how we'll ALL feel when I'm finally pregnant!!!!!)

Thanks again! Love to all!!

Erica

Late Night Epiphany!

Okay, so I just had a revelation and I had to share it before I head to bed for the night. I was reading Kindra's comment on my last post, and it just really hit right on the spot for me! (Before you read the rest of this, click back and read her comment!) I've really been dealing with doubt the past few days. The reports just seem so grim and there's so much "wrong" with me that I don't see how it will ever work out! But then I re-read her comment tonight and it struck me that He's been speaking to me that He made me just the way I am. He made me imperfect for His glory! So that when it does all work out, all the praise will be to Him....not to a doctor, not to me, not to Jacob, but to GOD ALONE!!

And as I began thinking about it a couple of things came to me that I had just read in a book that I'm studying. I'm taking a class at church over the book "Trusting God Even When Life Hurts" by Jerry Bridges and it is WONDERFUL! I'm only on chapter 2 and have already gotten so much that I know I'll need to re-read it to soak it all in. These are the parts that spoke to me:

"Consider what God has done: Who can straighten what he has made crooked?" Ecclesiastes 7:13

He made me "crooked" and allowed "crooked" circumstances to enter my life, and only HE can make them straight. Only He can heal me and only He can straighten out what seems to be a mess!

The book also describes God's providence as "His constant care for and His absolute rule over all His creation for His own glory and the good of His people." Notice the word "and"! "God never pursues His glory at the expense of the good of His people, nor does He ever seek our good at the expense of His glory."

His glory and our good go together. He isn't putting me in this place only to bring Him glory, I'm in this place to bring Him glory AND for my own good. It doesn't seem that way now, but it's true.

Okay, so it's late and I'm probably not tying all this up with a nice little bow on top, and in fact I feel like I'm completely rambling!! I know this is nothing new and you're probably thinking "Uhhh, yeah duh!!" I've heard it all before too, but this time the Holy Spirit really revealed it to my heart! Maybe it will strike you like it did me and maybe not, but I'll leave you with a few scriptures that I felt led to after reading and re-reading these things tonight.

"For when I am weak, then I am strong." 1 Corinthians 12:10

"But He said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, my strength is made perfect in weakness'." 2 Corinthians 12:9

"But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong. He chose the lowly things of this world and the despised things, and the things that are not to to nullify the things that are, so that no one should boast before Him." 1 Corinthians 1:27-29

The KJV says "so that no flesh should glory in His presence". When God answers our prayer for children, no flesh will glory in His presence, for only He can make straight that which He has made "crooked"!! Thank you Jesus!

By the way, thank you Kindra for your insight! Hope you don't mind that I'm sharing it!!! :)

"Lord I believe, but help my unbelief!"

I've been struggling today to decide where to draw the line between my sharing my story through my blogging and keeping my story and fertility struggles private. I'm not an overly private person and often launch into TMI with random people who are probably thinking "Oh my goodness, I did NOT ask to hear all that!" On the other hand, fertility is a very intimate thing. The act of conceiving a child is meant to be shared between a husband and wife in private. Unfortunately for us, that's not how our lives have played out (but trust us we would much rather it be that way!) I started to fear that I may be sharing too much information and should hold back a little. Secretly, the main reason for my sudden nervousness and concern is that I started worrying if people would be judging me for sharing so much. What if they think that I should keep it private? What if they think I'm using my struggles to gain attention in some twisted way?

After much thought, I remembered that I very clearly felt God calling me to share my story after Kinley's death. It took me awhile to get to the point that I was ready to actually start blogging, but through conversations with people and even facebook, I started sharing our journey right away. It's still amazing and humbling to me that God could use me through our pain, but I've heard from enough of you that I really feel like He is. Of course, I'm just a vessel and I'm trying my hardest to let His Spirit speak through me. I also said from the beginning that I wanted to be open and honest, so I feel like I should also let my flesh show as well. No matter how hard I try to "die to my flesh", I'm still human and I still hurt and get angry. I want to continue to be honest. More selfishly, I think you can all pray for us better if you know exactly what we're going through and how to pray.

So, I'm planning to continue to share our journey in it's entirety. With that being said, we got some news today that we could really use some prayer about. I saw my doctor this morning and the following things came out of our meeting:

1. I'm in need of another surgery to remove my endometriosis. Although I just had one done in March, I had some blood work that indicated that the endometriosis has returned. It greatly decreases your chance at becoming pregnant, so we feel like we should move forward with another surgery. I'll be having that surgery on Tuesday morning at UT Medical Center. We would appreciate your prayers that all would go well and that they would be able to remove as much of the disease as possible and make any necessary repairs.

2. I also had some blood work done that indicates that my ovarian reserve is low. Basically, I have a low egg count. I haven't responded well to stimulating medication, so the doctor has suspected this. Because of the blood work, he feels that my time for having children is probably limited. He suggests that we move ahead with an IVF cycle as soon as possible. He said that he would typically be fine with a patient my age waiting 2, 4,or even 6 years to try IVF, but does not think that would be a good idea for us. It seems that our window for having babies is going to be much smaller than that of most women. The problem with that is that we don't have the money for the $11,000 IVF procedure. We'll be looking into some financing options, but could really use your prayers for wisdom and guidance as we make our decisions.

3. With the new information, I'm feeling in an almost constant state of panic. Although I've had the surgery before, I'm nervous about it and what they might find this time. I'm fearful that we won't be able to do the IVF soon enough or that it won't work if we do get the chance to try it. All of this coupled with the fact that today is the first day of September and Kinley's birthday is fast approaching, and I could really use your prayers!!

My thoughts today keep coming back to this "Lord I believe, but help my unbelief!!"