Hello Spring....Hello Tears!

The beginning of spring brings about so many changes...flowers blooming, grass growing, kids playing outside, sun shining, birds singing...

For some reason, I've also found that spring is a very difficult time to be a "baby loss Momma". I'm not sure if it's all the new life blooming or all the mommy's pushing strollers, but spring has a way of reminding me of what I'm missing out on. I wrote about it last Easter, and you can read that entry here.

This year is infinitely more easy than last spring, but the pain is still there. There are still moments that it hits me so hard that I feel like I can't breathe. I still desperately long to be pushing my Kinley in a stroller, taking her to the park, and showing her the flowers.

While I was in Indiana for a short, last-minute, visit, Brenna and I decided to take out a few items to "decorate" Kinley's gravesite. Here's Brenna doing a little decorating...

We also took Bristol along for her first visit to Kinley's "special place" (as Brenna calls it). Bristol slept through the visit!

For those Mommy's who are experiencing your first spring since losing your child, my heart breaks for you! Hold on through this spring, next year will be easier!!!

Disney World

Last week we spent one beautiful day at Disney World. There was a huge group of us...my Mom, Megan and Douglas and their two beautiful girls, my brother Zack, Sarah and Adam, Becca, Leah, Steffi, Jacob and I. We had such a wonderful time....and YET....

The day started with Brenna taking a visit to the Bibbidi Bobbidi Boutique. She was treated like a true princess and ALL "princessed" up! She was absolutely adorable and SO excited! It was a dream come true for her!!

We rode everything and had very little wait time for any of the rides....except, we did get stuck on The Pirates of the Caribbean for about ten minutes, listening to "Dead men, tell no tales". We made the most of it though and took some cute pics!

My absolute favorite part of Disney World are the parades. It's like your whole childhood wrapped up in a beautiful parade...I love the characters, the music, the entire feel of the parade. Bristol loved the parades too and couldn't take her eyes off of them.

So at the end of this wonderful, magical day, can you imagine that someone would drive back to the beach crying? (Well actually two someone's because my Mom was with me.) In the middle of the magic and enjoying my sweet nieces, I couldn't help but wonder what my baby girl would have been like this year. Last year, she would have been too little to really enjoy Disney World. But this year, at 15 months, she would have loved the parades, marveled in "Small World", and smiled for pictures with the princesses. I thought of Kinley at least a hundred times during the day. Again letting my mind go to what I'm missing out on. It was such a blessing to have another baby girl with us this year, but also such a reminder that it will never be my Kinley.

I tried to keep in mind how much more wonderful and magical heaven is. I mean, if anything is better than Disney World, it's heaven!! She was probably laughing at the way I was wishing she was there, thinking "Mommy, this is SO much better!" But the point is, Disney World is one of the places I dreamed of taking her, and no matter how happy she is in heaven, it still hurts to let go of that dream!

So I held it together all day, but by the time we left we were all exhausted! Some...

More than others....

(This was approximately 10:00 at night!)

And the exhaustion led me to let my guard down and just be sad for awhile. I cried. At the end of my magical day, I still had a hole in my heart. Don't get me wrong, I didn't let it ruin my whole day, but I did give my heart a few minutes at the end of the day to just hurt. And there's a good chance it will happen again next year. That's one of the worst parts of losing a baby, you always have the "what if's" to wonder about!

Return from Vacation

Hi everyone! I feel like I have so much to fill you all in on. I feel refreshed and renewed after my two week vacation. Yes, I said TWO weeks! I spent two weeks in Florida with lots and lots of family time. It was glorious, as always! I'll be sharing much more about my vacation over the next few days, but I wanted to take a minute to share a few photos from our trip.

Jacob with two of his sisters, Leah, and Sarah

Brenna insisted on getting a picture with Adam and Sarah

Meg and her girls

Jacob and I

By the way, I also saw my "second-opinion" doctor today and will posting about that soon.

In addition, I'll be posting a post about the wonderful day we had at Disney World....as wonderful as it was, why did I again find myself leaving with tears in my eyes?

Moments That Take My Breath Away

There are moments in life that seem to just hit you right in the stomach and take your breath away completely.

It happens to me every time I hear of someone else whose baby has passed away. Yesterday, it was someone I know, and that makes it twice as hard. Please take a minute today to say a prayer for a sweet young couple and their family as they say hello and goodbye to their baby boy.

It's amazing how news can transport you so quickly back to those impossible days of hearing that your baby has no heartbeat, laboring to deliver her, and spending time saying goodbye. My heart is broken again today as I relive Kinley's birth and hurt for those walking that path today.

Answers To Some Of Your Questions

Hello Everyone!!! I feel like I've been MIA for awhile!

I know it's been a couple of weeks since I posted, and I'm sorry to be keeping you all in the dark. I feel like I left things on a negative note. I've been taking a bit of a break from writing to internalize what all is going on and to consider all of the options that Jacob and I have.

I wanted to take just a couple of minutes to answer a couple of questions that I've heard since the last post and to give you an idea of where I am and where I plan on going from here.

Many people asked if we had considered using a surrogate. In our situation, a surrogate is not really the best option for us. My specific problem is not with carrying a child, it's with making enough eggs to become pregnant. We would be much more likely to be successful with an egg donor (using someone else's eggs and having me carry the baby) than we would with a surrogate (using our fertilized embryo and having someone else carry it). There are options available to us in the fertility realm, but we're not really ready to commit to any one of them at this time.

Second, many people have used terms like "you're still young" and "you have time". Without sounding harsh, let me just say that it is in no way comforting to hear that when you're going through fertility treatments. I know that it seems like you're giving hope, but when you don't know a person's specific situation, I would be careful about using those terms. So, in answer to the question "what's the rush?".... I was given a diagnosis of "low ovarian reserve", basically although my body is 28, my egg supply is low. Unfortunately for us, I probably don't have the years and years to try that I should have. Our chances of conceiving are declining at a rate that is quicker than that of most couples our age. Having said that, I also know that God is WAY bigger than that diagnosis. However, I think you all understand why there's a sense of urgency.

As far as our next step with fertility treatment goes, I will be getting a second opinion. I've scheduled an appointment with another fertility specialist here in Knoxville and will keep you all updated on how that appointment goes.

We are also open to pursuing adoption. I have been given a great deal of information from a friend we met at church here in Knoxville. She's a GREAT resource for us to have and we feel like it's really a "God-thing" that I was put in contact with her. We have other friends who have used other agencies and are aware of the MANY options available. We'll be praying about it and proceeding as God directs us.

Finally, I know that I sounded hopeless in the last post. I appreciate all of your concern and prayer. I'm not hopeless, I do believe that God has a family for us. However, there is a grieving process that goes along with realizing that your journey to parenthood may not look how like you imagined it would. That doesn't necessarily mean that I don't believe we'll have our own biological children, just that the journey doesn't look how I imagined. I'm in the midst of that grieving process still. I was very angry, hurt, and even bitter, at first. I needed to feel those emotions and work through them in order to move on to what God has for us next. I'm still hurting and I still have moments of anger, but I do know that I WILL be a mommy again.

Thanks again for your comments, prayer, support, and love!!!!! We have both felt very loved and supported through this entire process!!