Can I Truly Be Thankful?
November 26, 2009
I decided instead of writing "Happy Thanksgiving! I'm so thankful for all God has given me!", I would put a little honesty into what I was saying. So here's the thing....I know most of you woke up today and were excited to see friends and family and were thinking how much you have to be thankful for. I, however, woke up and the first thought in my mind was "What do I have to be thankful for....and NO ONE better say "HAPPY" Thanksgiving to me today. It is NOT happy!!!" I know what you're thinking, and you're right, it's a bad attitude and I'm being a brat!!
I left the house to go to Kinley's gravesite thinking that I wasn't happy and I wasn't thankful. This is not how my Thanksgiving was suppose to be. This is not what I signed up for. I didn't spend what seemed like an eternity trying to get pregnant, take fertility meds that made me feel like crap, and endure evening sickness for weeks only to have empty arms when all was said and done. I didn't imagine my life being like this.
I got to the gravesite to find that someone had stolen the Willow Tree angel that Jacob had put out there on the day we buried Kinley....seriously?? So I was feeling even more angry and quite frankly unthankful!
As I sat in my car, with my entire body convulsing in sobs I started to think. I decided that I'm not allowing this day to be like that, I'm not giving Satan any glimpse of victory. God is still good, and not only that, He's still good to ME! So....here are the things I'm thankful for.
- I'm thankful for my husband who is an amazing man of God and my shoulder to cry on. I love him so much!! I know that I am blessed to have him!
- I'm thankful for a family who loves me and supports me. They know that I will have bad days and they cry with me and pray for me. They sat with my for hours at the hospital and have called, sent cards, brought gifts, and poured themselves into me.
- I'm thankful for great friends and an awesome church family who have called, texted, and emailed to let me know they're still thinking about me.
- I'm thankful that I've been bonded through loss to new friends who know exactly how I feel! Tami and Destiny are blessings beyond what words can say! They are wonderful Godly women who have relived their pain to help me through mine.
- I'm so thankful for my sweet Brenna who called this morning to say "I love you Etty! Happy Thanksgiving! You're my best friend....and please don't have 'cry in your eyes'!"
- I'm thankful that God gave me Kinley at all. I don't want to feel this way, but I wouldn't trade it if that meant I never got to have her at all. I loved her from the moment I saw the two lines on the pregnancy test and that love grew with every ultrasound, every kick, every hiccup, and every moment that I had with her. It was solidified when I saw her sweet face, kissed her cheeks, held her tiny hand, and rocked her as she "slept".
- I'm thankful that Kinley will NEVER know the kind of pain that I'm feeling. As a Mommy I will endure this pain willingly knowing that it means that she never has to have a skinned knee, a broken heart, a bad day, or one hint of sadness.
- I'm thankful that God has promised GOOD to me. I don't know what that means for certain, I don't know that He'll answer my prayers the way I want him to, but I know He knows what's best for me. I know He will work it all for good and I know that He sees my pain and He hurts with me and for me.
- Most of all...I'm thankful that I have an assurance that I will see my baby again. I don't wonder, I don't worry, I don't doubt for one instance. I KNOW where she is today and I KNOW that I'll be there with her one day. There's no shadow of doubt in my mind that heaven is a real place, that my baby is there waiting for me, and that I will join her. I know I'll join her because I believe His word, and His word says that all I have to do is accept Him as Lord, believe that Jesus died for my sins, and confess that I'm a sinner.
So I'm not promising a day of no tears. I'm not telling you that this day is easy for me. I'm certainly not saying that I am doing "well" or that I'm "over" our loss. I'm actually promising you that it will continue to be hard for me....today is hard, December 10th will be hard, Christmas will be hard, every September 24th for the rest of my life will be hard. Please don't judge me for how I'm healing, don't say that I need to "move on", don't act as though it never happened, and don't think that having more children someday will take away my pain. My baby died and that hurts more than anything imaginable. BUT....I will survive, I will have joy again, I will have peace in God, and I will spend eternity with my precious Kinley, and I will be THANKFUL.
May you too be blessed and be thankful no matter what this life brings you....
Mother's Day
May 8th, 2010
Spring is in the Air
April 5, 2010
It’s the day after Easter, and another holiday has come and gone. I don’t know what it is about the holiday time that makes me want to sit down and write. Each holiday becomes emotional for me and seems to bring about new challenges and new hurts. Why is that? It could be that the holidays sort of coincide with the changing of seasons. It could be that I set each next holiday as a mile markers in my healing process and I set goals mentally to get to or get through the next holiday. It could be that, to me, holidays mean family time, and my family is broken right now. But I think it’s mostly that every holiday is bittersweet for me now. I find myself torn between rejoicing for how Kinley must be spending the day and just aching to have her here with me.
Easter was especially emotionally charged. I felt the stirring start as soon as we had the first warm day of the year. I wanted to be excited about the spring, and I knew that I could desperately use the sunshine, but I found myself hit square in the face with another breakdown. I woke up one sunny Friday, started my errands, and then completely and totally fell apart! I was sitting in my car sobbing, thinking to myself, “I should be taking my baby for her first walk in her stroller today. I should be taking her to the park and introducing her to the world!” Instead, I “re-decorated” her gravesite for the spring. I knew in the back of my mind that God was just about to take me through yet another stage in the healing process.
That sunny Friday came and went and I could still feel that stirring in my spirit. It was like a bubbling somewhere deep inside me, at the time it was just beginning to bubble up, but soon I knew it would boil over! In March, I had a surgery, which revealed that I had pretty severe endometriosis. The doctor said that it was a complete “fluke” that I had ever gotten pregnant with Kinley at all. I wouldn’t use the word fluke, I’d say she was a miracle. A complete and total miracle from God…BUT that thought can lead down two completely different paths:
Path 1: “She was an absolute miracle, and yet God took her from me!! Why, God, why did You do this to me? Why would You allow me to get pregnant when it shouldn’t have even been possible, and then jerked the rug out from under me by taking her from me before she even took her first breath?”
OR
Path 2: “Wow, God, You gave her to me despite all the odds! You proved Your omnipotence! She should not have been at all, and yet You saw fit to give her to me, if even for a few short months. You allowed me to conceive her because You see whole picture and Your view is eternal…and I’ll have my McKinley for all of eternity, because you chose to allow me to conceive her here on earth!”
Do you see the dilemma? Do you see how easy it would be to head down Path 1? I’d like to say, I didn’t even consider that and that I immediately began praising God for the gift that He gave me, but that would be very untrue. I considered and even lingered on Path 1, but I decided to force (and I mean force) myself down Path 2 instead. If you don’t think that’s possible, you’re very wrong. I chose to dwell and meditate on Path 2, it wasn’t the natural or probably even likely thing to do, but I did it anyway. I chose to continue to praise and thank God.
I’m not saying this to make myself look super-spiritual or to build myself up. Actually, it’s completely the opposite! I want to make it clear that my nature was to get angry with God again. My first instinct was to yell and scream and say “How could You?” But, He was whispering the truth to me. Luckily, I was tuned in to His voice and I heard Him. It was quiet but confident, and could have so easily been lost in the storm of emotions that came with not only finding out that I have something “wrong” with me, but also that I shouldn’t have been able to conceive. God was saying, “I am good, and I am faithful, and I gave Kinley to you as an eternal gift! She’s waiting for you and she’s yours for all of eternity!"
You might think that if I grasped that concept, I surely stayed there for several weeks, just basking in His presence and the knowledge that He, the God of the universe, was still working in me. Unfortunately, that’s not at all what happened! Instead, I left on our yearly family vacation to Florida and spent a great deal of time feeling very sorry for myself. I should have had her there. I had daydreamed about having her there, swimming with her in the pool, introducing her to the sand, and pushing her stroller around Disney World. Instead, I was learning the fine art of excusing myself from situations and conversations without it being apparent that I was getting upset, hiding tear-filled eyes behind big sunglasses, and being pushed around Disney World in a wheelchair because I wasn’t quite recovered from my surgery. I did enjoy my vacation, and I count it a true blessing that I could get away and relax, but the hurt followed me, right down to Florida.
I got home from vacation just in time for Easter. What is it about Easter that makes us really miss our loved ones that have passed away? Is it the talk of Jesus dying on the cross that makes our mind immediately go to those who are dead? Or is it that Easter is the only reason we have the hope of ever seeing them again? Easter was another bittersweet holiday, but it was somehow easier than Christmas or Thanksgiving. I did miss her ALL day long, but I kept thinking that the Easter celebration in heaven must be the biggest celebration of all! It’s so selfish to wish she was here, when she was somewhere so much greater having a celebration that my human mind can’t even conceive. It’s selfish, but I’m human, and I’m still mourning, and hurting, and growing, and learning to deal with the pain.
So, another bittersweet holiday has passed and another new season has dawned. My baby girl went to heaven six-months ago and I’m still learning how to go about living my life. I’m not done mourning Kinley’s death, but my really bad days are becoming more spread out. I’m sure I’m not doing everything right, but I’m doing the best that I can. I’m not as close to God as I’d like to be, but I’m getting closer every day. I’m not healed, but I’m healing.
Mother's Day
May 8th, 2010
This is the Kind of Mommy that I am….
I’m the kind of Mommy who always knew I wanted to be a Mommy. The kind of little girl who played “house” from the time I was tiny. I mothered every baby that came into my path. From the moment my sweet baby sister and brother were born, I wanted to mother them. Every new cousin that came into the world was a pure joy for me. I wanted to hold them, change them, and feed them. Some people took friends with them to ball games or the park, not me, I found a little kid that I could take. I drug Jessica, Seth, and Karly to countless ball games at the school. I just loved to take care of them and mother them.
I’m the kind of Mommy who desperately wanted a baby. Jacob and I started trying to get pregnant before we had even been married a year. I know that some people thought that it was too soon, but we knew we wanted to be parents. As the months passed and countless pregnancy test came up negative, I grew increasingly anxious and afraid. Would God really give me this deep desire to be a Mommy and then not ever allow me to actually be one? That couldn’t be the plan that He had for me. After months of trying and 4 rounds of Clomid, I finally saw that double pink line! I was a Mommy!!
I’m the kind of Mommy that was a Mommy the moment I saw that positive test. I embraced pregnancy to the fullest! I loved it! I dove head first into falling in love with my baby. I talked about her constantly, I shopped for her, and I imagined what she would be. On my first Mother’s Day as a pregnant woman I stood proudly when the pastor asked all of the mom’s to stand. I WAS a mother!
I’m the kind of Mommy who labored and pushed knowing that my daughter would not be born breathing. I knew I would not hear that coveted first cry. I wouldn’t beam as I introduced a wiggling newborn to her grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins. I did, however, cradle her lifeless body in my arms with the love that only a mother knows. I stroked her black curly hair, examined her ten perfect fingers and toes, changed her dresses and hats, and lovingly swaddled her in blankets. I smiled for pictures with her although my heart was broken. I passed her to family and friends and shared her with those I love most. I slept with her in my arms, I prayed over her with my husband, and then I placed her in her basket and let her go. I left the hospital without her, I planned a burial and memorial service, and I stood to tell those gathered in the church of the mark that she had left on the world.
I’m the kind of Mommy who hurts daily so that my baby never has to know pain. Every time my heart feels like it will burst from the pain, I remember that she will never know a pain like this. She’ll never fall and skin her knee, she’ll never get her heart broken, and she’ll never hurt, as I am hurting.
I’m the kind of Mommy who is proud of my little girl. I know she only had a brief time on earth, but she accomplished the purpose that God had for her. The night of her memorial service, a family member shared with me that she had given her heart to Christ. As she stood there, tears running down her face, she explained that it had struck her that Kinley walked into Heaven familiar with the praises of God, familiar with Him, because Jacob and I had carried her, while still in my womb, to church week after week. She shared that if something should happen to her little girls, they would enter a Heaven that was unknown. Because of Kinley’s brief life, she will spend eternity with her little girls! I know that Kinley’s life and death have touched and changed countless other people, and for that, I am proud!
I’m the kind of Mommy who most of the world doesn’t even notice as a Mom at all. I have no outward signs of being a mom. I don’t push my baby around the mall in her stroller, I don’t carry her infant seat into church, I don’t take her to the park, or take her out for walks. I don’t shop in the baby sections, I don’t buy diapers, and I don’t buy formula. To most of the world, I’m not a Mommy at all. But in my heart, I truly am! I know that whether God chooses to bless us with more children or not, I am and will always be McKinley’s Mommy.
A year can make such a difference in a person’s life. Last year at this time, I was a beaming pregnant woman, waiting for my blessing to arrive. One year later, I’m a hurting Mommy, longing to rock my baby just one more time. This year, there are women everywhere who are celebrating Mother’s Day. Some are first time Mommy’s, some are spending their day with children, grandchildren, and even great-grandchildren, and all are celebrating the blessings that God has given them. However, stop to think for a minute that there are also many women hurting on Mother’s Day. Their babies have passed away, they’ve been struggling with infertility, or last year they were celebrating with their mom and this year she’s gone. A year can make such a big difference in YOUR life….don’t let another day pass without taking time to enjoy your children, to thank your mom, and to make amends in strained relationships.
