I Want To Go Home!

UPDATE: I came home!!!

Today one overwhelming thought is dominating my mind...

I want to go home!!!!

I hate this time of year and I'm struggling more everyday as Kinley's birthday gets closer. I can remember what I was doing on each day and keep thinking "a year ago today, I was...." Today the thought is that a year ago today I was beginning to realize somewhere in the back of my mind that something wasn't right, but I was ignoring that nagging thought. For the most part, I was happy, for the most part, I was blissfully unaware of just how hard my life was about to get.

But, back to the going home part.....I want nothing more than to be HOME and this just isn't home. I've been lying to people for a couple months now. The conversation goes something like this...

Them: "Tennessee is such a beautiful area! (EVERYONE says this!) How are you liking it?

Me: Always the same response..."I'm getting used to it, it's not home yet, but I like it!"

There it was, the lie, did you catch it?? I don't like it! I don't like it at all. On the list of things I like, living in Tennessee does not appear. Here are a few things I like...

I like seeing Megan and Brenna everyday. I like them to be 5 minutes away and I like being a part of every aspect of Brenna's life... picking her up from school, eating lunch, going to the mall, babysitting....I LIKE that!

I like seeing my Mom and Dad whenever I want. I know I didn't go to Covington as much as I should have when I lived in Lafayette, but I like that I could jump in the car and go if I wanted. I liked seeing them once a week or so.

I like being able to call Rex and Mary on any given Friday night and meet up for dinner with them.

I like being able to text Destiny on a bad day (much like today) and knowing that she'll be there in a half an hour.

I like my little Christian school where the students and staff not only know my story, but walked through it with me.

I like going to church in my own church and being able to pray with people that I don't have to explain my situation to.

I like having friends to meet for lunch and family to go shopping with.

I like that when I'm having one of those just terrible days (like today), someone always stops in with a little gift, food, a distraction, or a plot to get me out of the house and my mind on something else. I like that all it takes is a facebook status to make that happen.

I like living in Lafayette, but I don't like living in Tennessee. I'm trying to make the best of it. I'm trying to meet people. I'm trying to make it home, but it's just not. What I'd really like today is to just go home!!!!!

(Sorry for my "pity me, life is tough attitude", that's just where I am today! And just for the record, this is not an invitation for everyone who's ever moved to tell me how before long I'll consider it home, and love it, and never want to move back. I've heard that all before, and I appreciate it, but now is just not the time!!!!!)

Time Change

Because of conflict with Jacob's work, we need to change the time of our celebration of Kinley's life to 7:00 next Friday the 24th. So, if you're planning to join us, note the time change and remember to let me know you're coming!!

Approaching Kinley's Birthday

I'm so quickly approaching Kinley's first birthday and my feelings and emotions are rising daily! My experience so far has been that the build-up to the holidays and "tough" days has been much worse than the day itself. Usually there's a day about two or three days before the big day that I completely fall apart. So far, I've been "home" for all of those days and either Megan and Brenna or Destiny and Cayden have stepped in to be there for me by coming over and not only listening, but providing a distraction. This time, I'm here in Knoxville, and to large extent, I'm alone. I've been trying so hard to prepare myself for that day and to remind myself of all the good that's come from us having Kinley. But no matter how much I focus on the good, the bad is still there!!

I'm now ten days from her birthday and I'm finding my mind wandering so much to the "could have beens" and "should have beens". I should be planning a birthday party, but instead I'm trying to figure out what to do to celebrate an event that doesn't warrant celebration. I'm trying to navigate what's appropriate for the situation and how to best honor Kinley. I find myself wondering, if she can look down from heaven and see me, would she want me to celebrate, to mourn, or to let the day pass without doing either? A large part of me wishes we could just let it slip by without drawing any attention to it. But the Mom in me knows that she deserves more than that. I know that I'd feel guilty if I didn't do something. So I'm going to combine celebration and mourning. That's the best that I can do!

Brenna asked me the last time I was home if we could give her any presents for her birthday. She wanted to send them up to heaven with a balloon. I told her we really couldn't do that, but that we could draw her a picture and write her a letter and send that to heaven with a balloon. She said "Well when we go to heaven or she comes back here, or whichever one happens, I'll give her some of my toys for her birthday." I told her that was really sweet of her. In true Brenna fashion, she followed with "well I'll give her the ones I don't play with anymore and I don't want!" (Hey, she's wise beyond her years, but she's still 3!!) But the point is, I think we'll use Brenna's idea and at least send her pictures tied to balloons. I'm also trying to find an idea for how to give a gift that would honor Kinley's life.

For now, the plan is to meet at Kinley's gravesite on her birthday, Friday September 24th. We'll spend some time writing letters and drawing pictures for her, and then tie them to balloons to be sent to her in heaven. We'll sing "Happy Birthday" through our tears and let the balloons go at the end of the song. Then I'll spend the rest of the evening with my family eating pizza and celebrating the mark that she made on our hearts and in our lives. Her first steps may be in heaven, but her first footprint is on my heart!

And I'm still left thinking...."Has it really been a year?"

By the way, if you feel like Kinley has touched your life and you want to celebrate her brief time on this earth, you're welcome to join us at the gravesite that evening. The plan is to meet there at 6:30 Friday evening. She's buried at St. Boniface cemetery, in the Baby Land toward the back of the cemetery. If you plan to come, please send me an email or comment on this post to let me know so that I'm sure I have enough balloons. I'll also have plenty of paper and markers to make the cards/letters. If you can't be there, feel free to send your own balloon to heaven. Be sure to let me know if you do!!

"I thank my God every time I remember you." Phillipians 1:3

"But Jesus called to him, saying, "Let the children come to me, and do not hinder them, for to such belongs the kingdom of God." Luke 18:16

Surgery Results

Hello Everyone!!! Sorry for the brief break from blogging, as I type, I'm stretched out on my couch hurting but recovering! I'm at the point that I feel lucid enough to type this because I'm in enough pain to know that the pain medication is nearly worn off!! Hopefully I make sense, but if I don't, I can't be blamed! Blame it on the hydrocodone!

My surgery Tuesday went well. It took about two hours to get me all cleaned out, but the doctor seemed optimistic about the results. Surgery began at 8 and by 11 I was waking up in the recovery room. The recovery people were in a real hurry to get me out the door, and I wasn't having an easy time complying with that....they had me up and getting dressed and going to the bathroom long before I felt ready! I came out of the bathroom feeling really dizzy and found that they had already cleaned my bed and moved it. No one was around to help me, and I almost passed out, so I collapsed in a wheelchair and nearly started to cry. Pretty soon a nurse came in with Jacob. I guess she could tell by the way I was slumped in the wheelchair that I wasn't ready to go home, so she put me back in bed and gave me another bag of fluids. I finally started feeling better and made it home around 2:00.

I wasn't able to talk to the doctor because I was still pretty out of it, so I called the nurse yesterday to get the report from her. She said that the doctor removed a little endometriosis, but mostly adhesions (scar tissue). He was pleased with this because the scar tissue will not likely return after being removed. In addition, the endometriosis was located mostly on my ovaries, so he was able to put a protective coating over my ovaries to help prevent it from returning again. I felt good about the fact that there wasn't a lot of endometriosis grown back yet. I had been worried that it had returned so quickly, but in fact, it was just the scar tissue causing the problems.

In addition, after getting a look at what was going on, he felt like the scar tissue was the problem in us getting pregnant previously. He seemed optimistic that I will be able to get pregnant and possibly even by using another IUI rather than moving on to IVF!! This is a huge blessing for us, because as you know, we were concerned about the cost of IVF! We'll be able to give the IUI a couple more shots before needing to move on! We still need to save some in order to do another IUI, so it will probably be a couple months before we're ready, but we'll keep you all posted. I'm thinking probably November will be our next try.

Thank you so much for your prayers!!! I feel so much better about our prognosis and feel excited to have finally received some GOOD news!!! Keep praying, your prayers are working!!!

(By the way, isn't it awesome to be a part of God working in someone's life. I love it when I've been praying for something or someone and the prayer gets answered, even in part!! It feels great to be a part of it, and you're all a part of it! Imagine how we'll ALL feel when I'm finally pregnant!!!!!)

Thanks again! Love to all!!

Erica

Late Night Epiphany!

Okay, so I just had a revelation and I had to share it before I head to bed for the night. I was reading Kindra's comment on my last post, and it just really hit right on the spot for me! (Before you read the rest of this, click back and read her comment!) I've really been dealing with doubt the past few days. The reports just seem so grim and there's so much "wrong" with me that I don't see how it will ever work out! But then I re-read her comment tonight and it struck me that He's been speaking to me that He made me just the way I am. He made me imperfect for His glory! So that when it does all work out, all the praise will be to Him....not to a doctor, not to me, not to Jacob, but to GOD ALONE!!

And as I began thinking about it a couple of things came to me that I had just read in a book that I'm studying. I'm taking a class at church over the book "Trusting God Even When Life Hurts" by Jerry Bridges and it is WONDERFUL! I'm only on chapter 2 and have already gotten so much that I know I'll need to re-read it to soak it all in. These are the parts that spoke to me:

"Consider what God has done: Who can straighten what he has made crooked?" Ecclesiastes 7:13

He made me "crooked" and allowed "crooked" circumstances to enter my life, and only HE can make them straight. Only He can heal me and only He can straighten out what seems to be a mess!

The book also describes God's providence as "His constant care for and His absolute rule over all His creation for His own glory and the good of His people." Notice the word "and"! "God never pursues His glory at the expense of the good of His people, nor does He ever seek our good at the expense of His glory."

His glory and our good go together. He isn't putting me in this place only to bring Him glory, I'm in this place to bring Him glory AND for my own good. It doesn't seem that way now, but it's true.

Okay, so it's late and I'm probably not tying all this up with a nice little bow on top, and in fact I feel like I'm completely rambling!! I know this is nothing new and you're probably thinking "Uhhh, yeah duh!!" I've heard it all before too, but this time the Holy Spirit really revealed it to my heart! Maybe it will strike you like it did me and maybe not, but I'll leave you with a few scriptures that I felt led to after reading and re-reading these things tonight.

"For when I am weak, then I am strong." 1 Corinthians 12:10

"But He said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, my strength is made perfect in weakness'." 2 Corinthians 12:9

"But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong. He chose the lowly things of this world and the despised things, and the things that are not to to nullify the things that are, so that no one should boast before Him." 1 Corinthians 1:27-29

The KJV says "so that no flesh should glory in His presence". When God answers our prayer for children, no flesh will glory in His presence, for only He can make straight that which He has made "crooked"!! Thank you Jesus!

By the way, thank you Kindra for your insight! Hope you don't mind that I'm sharing it!!! :)