Moments That Take My Breath Away

There are moments in life that seem to just hit you right in the stomach and take your breath away completely.

It happens to me every time I hear of someone else whose baby has passed away. Yesterday, it was someone I know, and that makes it twice as hard. Please take a minute today to say a prayer for a sweet young couple and their family as they say hello and goodbye to their baby boy.

It's amazing how news can transport you so quickly back to those impossible days of hearing that your baby has no heartbeat, laboring to deliver her, and spending time saying goodbye. My heart is broken again today as I relive Kinley's birth and hurt for those walking that path today.

Answers To Some Of Your Questions

Hello Everyone!!! I feel like I've been MIA for awhile!

I know it's been a couple of weeks since I posted, and I'm sorry to be keeping you all in the dark. I feel like I left things on a negative note. I've been taking a bit of a break from writing to internalize what all is going on and to consider all of the options that Jacob and I have.

I wanted to take just a couple of minutes to answer a couple of questions that I've heard since the last post and to give you an idea of where I am and where I plan on going from here.

Many people asked if we had considered using a surrogate. In our situation, a surrogate is not really the best option for us. My specific problem is not with carrying a child, it's with making enough eggs to become pregnant. We would be much more likely to be successful with an egg donor (using someone else's eggs and having me carry the baby) than we would with a surrogate (using our fertilized embryo and having someone else carry it). There are options available to us in the fertility realm, but we're not really ready to commit to any one of them at this time.

Second, many people have used terms like "you're still young" and "you have time". Without sounding harsh, let me just say that it is in no way comforting to hear that when you're going through fertility treatments. I know that it seems like you're giving hope, but when you don't know a person's specific situation, I would be careful about using those terms. So, in answer to the question "what's the rush?".... I was given a diagnosis of "low ovarian reserve", basically although my body is 28, my egg supply is low. Unfortunately for us, I probably don't have the years and years to try that I should have. Our chances of conceiving are declining at a rate that is quicker than that of most couples our age. Having said that, I also know that God is WAY bigger than that diagnosis. However, I think you all understand why there's a sense of urgency.

As far as our next step with fertility treatment goes, I will be getting a second opinion. I've scheduled an appointment with another fertility specialist here in Knoxville and will keep you all updated on how that appointment goes.

We are also open to pursuing adoption. I have been given a great deal of information from a friend we met at church here in Knoxville. She's a GREAT resource for us to have and we feel like it's really a "God-thing" that I was put in contact with her. We have other friends who have used other agencies and are aware of the MANY options available. We'll be praying about it and proceeding as God directs us.

Finally, I know that I sounded hopeless in the last post. I appreciate all of your concern and prayer. I'm not hopeless, I do believe that God has a family for us. However, there is a grieving process that goes along with realizing that your journey to parenthood may not look how like you imagined it would. That doesn't necessarily mean that I don't believe we'll have our own biological children, just that the journey doesn't look how I imagined. I'm in the midst of that grieving process still. I was very angry, hurt, and even bitter, at first. I needed to feel those emotions and work through them in order to move on to what God has for us next. I'm still hurting and I still have moments of anger, but I do know that I WILL be a mommy again.

Thanks again for your comments, prayer, support, and love!!!!! We have both felt very loved and supported through this entire process!!

Next Step?

Yesterday was a tough day.

We had already learned over the weekend that our recent IUI had failed. I was scheduled for another doctor's appointment on Monday morning. I went in, fully expecting the same routine... do an ultrasound and some blood work, talk to the doctor, hear that we should try another IUI. In the back of my mind I considered that maybe the doctor would be leery of another IUI and would suggest we move ahead to IVF. Jacob and I had discussed that possibility and were prepared to make the decision to move forward if it was necessary.

I was not shocked when the doctor said that he didn't feel that an IUI would be wise for us to try again. He had given me as high of a dose of medicine as he would ever give me for as long of time as possible and he didn't feel that the results were good enough to merit spending that kind of time and money again. Even with these high doses and the added Lupron, I just did not respond well to the medicine. (Basically there were still too few "good" follicles.)

However, I was caught completely off guard by what he said next. He said that because he would use the exact same medicine regimen for IVF, he also didn't feel like IVF would be a wise choice for us. For those who haven't been through infertility, basically IVF was what we held up in the back of our minds as our last option....if all else fails, IVF will give us the best shot. Most women have a 50-60% chance of IVF being successful. To my shock, the doctor said that he would give me only about a 20% chance of success with IVF. He said while it would be my "best shot", it would be a lot of money to spend for something that he didn't really feel would be successful.

He suggested that we do one of two things....

1) Decide to try the IVF if we really feel that we want to do everything we can to give it our best shot at success. He reminded me though, that this would be a lot of money for a low chance at success.

2) Go back on to the low dose of Tamoxifen that I had taken before. He said I could try this "month after month and hope that one day we get lucky and it works". He said my chances would be about 5-10% each month.

I was in shock. I had just heard that there was a low chance of me ever becoming pregnant again. Impossible....no, unlikely....yes. I felt very much as though the doctor was "throwing in the towel".

I spent yesterday hurt, sad, depressed even. I felt like I'd just taken the second worse blow in my life. Would I really never be a mother again? I was angry (more to come on this later.) I was confused. I was beaten down. I was questioning. I was lost. I didn't know where we would possibly go from here.

Today I'm still very sad. I'm still confused and I still have no idea what is next for us. I'm also still very scared. As usually happens though, the more rational Erica woke up this morning. Today I'm ready to consider our options and to make decisions. Obviously all the emotions I was feeling yesterday are still there, but I can see through them better today.

In short, Jacob and I desperately need your prayers. We have major life decisions to make. In order to have our own biological children.....we NEED a miracle! We simply won't have another baby without a miracle from God. I also need you to pray that through this process we won't become bitter towards God.

(By the way, sometimes I absolutely do feel angry at God. I know that there are people who don't agree with that, but anger is an emotion that arises. I know that God is good, I know that he is not the author of evil. My rational self knows this, but I am human. I get angry with God and I believe whole-heartedly that He understands how and why I feel that anger more than any person on earth can. I don't, however, want to let that anger turn into bitterness or linger for too long.)

Jacob and I feel certain that God would not have placed this STRONG desire for children into our hearts unless He fully intended for us to have children. We're not certain what that family will look like, when it will come, or how we will get there. We have not give up hope, but we do need direction!

Please pray with us as we consider the following...

-Should we get a second opinion?

-Should we do the IVF knowing that our chances are lower than most couples? There is a large part of us that feels like we have to give it our "best shot"!

-If we do decide to go forward with IVF, where will the funding come from? Are we willing to put ourselves into debt for this?

-Is adoption our best option at this point? If so, where do we start? What do we do? Where will the funding come from?

-Are there other options that we need to consider? (egg or embryo donation?)

Thank you again for taking this journey with us!! I know that so many of you are praying for us!!!!

Anger

Warning this is another of my very raw, very real posts!

Today we found out that our most recent fertility attempt failed. I have been doing better each month at handling that news, but this one was tough.

I started the month off praying, not that the IUI would work, but that if this was God's timing everything would go well. I also prayed, that if not, God would not allow the cycle to be "smooth". I just asked Him to give me some clues that it's not time yet....a bad blood test, not many follicles, a difficult IUI, just something to clue me in.

The entire cycle went perfectly. Everything went great and looked great right up until today. I had almost allowed myself to believe that it had actually worked and I was pregnant. Then all hope was shattered again.

I was upset, I was frustrated, I was disappointed, I was angry! I cried, I prayed, I cried, I stared at the wall blankly, I cried. After a couple hours, I decided I needed to get up and do something, so I put on my worship music and started cleaning the house. As I cleared off the coffee table I, of course, came across a Parenting magazine that had come in the mail the day before. (I have NO idea why I'm still getting them anyway!)

I snapped! I got very angry...angry to the point that I literally threw the magazine across my living room and into the kitchen. It hit my refrigerator and knocked all the papers off, and I screamed. It wasn't a scared scream, it was a loud angry scream!! And then I collapsed into a heap on my floor and sobbed.

I was and still am angry at God. I'm angry that Kinley is gone. I'm angry that I can't get pregnant. I'm angry that I'm 6 1/2 hours away from most of the people who love me. But most of all, I'm angry that God allowed everything this month to go well and then didn't allow me to become pregnant. I don't understand what His purpose was for that. I may never understand.

I know that lots of time people comment on how "strong" I am, but I assure you, I'm very human!!! The truth is, I'm on the edge of losing it! I'm exhausted physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

Luckily, my angry tantrum with God today will pass. It's much like when I get angry with my husband. I may spout off in my anger, but when it's over, I know and he knows that I still love him. I'm not giving up, I'm not giving in, I'm just getting my anger out. I can't guarantee that tomorrow will be any better than today, but I know God's not done yet!!

Just a quick update because I'm in Indiana and have much more important things to do...like spending time with my beautiful nieces, having lunch with friends, and visiting with family!

After 41 needle sticks in 11 days....yes 41, I'm finally done and had two IUI's. I'm feeling pretty good and just in the "waiting" period.

We were very pleased with the results of the stimulation this time around. I ended up with 6 good follicles and they were certain that three would release. The other three were measurable and held a possibility of releasing, but they couldn't be sure. That's so much better than I've done in the past, so I was very excited!

Please keep praying that everything goes according to God's will!

Also, on a complete different note....tomorrow marks 7 months since my very first blog post and we just recently passed the mark of 10,000 views!! I'm so glad so many of you are taking time to read my blog! Thank you very very much for reading, for commenting, for praying, and for coming on this journey with me!!