Update on Emersyn!

I can't even begin to describe how much love we have felt over the past week. I have been shocked to tears at the amount of support that so many of you have shown us!!! I truly believe that one of the (many) reasons for this new trial in our life was to show us the overwhelming amount of support that we have from family, friends, and complete strangers!

My appointment with the specialist was Tuesday afternoon. I really expected myself to be much more nervous than I was. The teachers at school prayed with me in the morning and little Emersyn kicked throughout the prayer! I felt totally at peace in those moments. I heard from so many friends who were praying and I could definitely feel that! Of course, by the time I got to the appointment, I was nearly shaking with nerves. I felt like my insides were quaking.

The ultrasound tech was super sweet and was a complete blessing to us. She explained why we were there, what they were looking for, and everything she saw on the ultrasound. She literally started at Emmy's toes and worked all the way up to the top of her head, measuring everything and checking every organ. The further she moved up her body, the more I began to feel at peace. Many of the signs of genetic disorders that I knew they were checking just weren't there. When she got to the bowels, she just didn't see the problem that they had seen at my OB office. Although slightly "bright", she said she doubted that the bowels could even be called"echogenic". I fully believe God healed her bowels before we got there. In addition, the spot on the heart, while still there, just didn't appear to be a problem. She examined every part of her heart and it was functioning perfectly!!! From head to toes, Emmy appeared to be perfect!

She left the room to get the doctor. When Dr. Sumners went over the ultrasound, he had the same opinion as the ultrasound tech. He said the bowels were "perfectly normal baby bowels"! And he watched her heart for a long time and said that he just couldn't call it a deformity or a problem. To him, it just looked like the muscle in her heart was echoing back a little. He said she had a structurally normal brain and that there would probably come a day when we would doubt that! :) They were also both very excited to get a really good shot of Emersyn's hand all spread open. The doctor explained that many times, babies who are born with birth defects can't open their hand fully. This was just God's extra little sign for us that she was perfect and whole!! Before leaving, he said there was no need to see a genetic counselor or to come back for a follow-up! Our prayers could not possibly have been answered any more fully!!!

I'm not sure why things happened like they did or why we had the scare with little Emmy, but I know that I already see ways that God has worked through it.

1 - They checked every inch of our little miracle's body and couldn't find any reason for concern. That sure eases a Momma's mind and makes it easier to enjoy the remainder of the pregnancy. Anyone who has had a pregnancy after loss understands how sweet that peace of mind can be. Even when I catch myself starting to worry a little, I stop myself and think "What can you possibly worry about? She's perfectly healthy and God is watching out for her!"

2 - We were shown a tremendous amount of love and support from hundreds of people. The total number of read from my last blog post was close to 2,000. That's just amazing! We were given a glimpse of just how blessed we are and how loved our little Emmy is already!!!

3 - Many more people read Kinley's story because of Emmy. So many people found my blog through other friends and then went back to read the rest of our journey and I can't help but think that part of this trial was for others to see how faithful God is by using Kinley's story once again!

4 - We faced another trial and our faith still stood firm. Each time that Satan tries to throw something in our path to trip us up, he fails! God has another victory!!

5 - I was told by people that had never really fasted and prayed for something before that they would be fasting with us. What an amazing way to lead people to the miracle worker!!!!

Thank you all so much for your prayers, comments, and messages!!!! We are abundantly blessed!!!!!!

Her sweet little open hand!

Little foot!

Emersyn Kate!

Letting Go of the Fear

Around the time that Jacob and I started trying to get pregnant for Kinley, I stood in church one Sunday morning and was overwhelmed by fear. I was afraid that we would have trouble getting pregnant. Somewhere in my spirit, I guess I sensed the journey that lay ahead of us. I went to a woman in the church that I admire and trust and asked her to pray with me. Unfortunately, as much as I tried to rebuke this fear it held on to my spirit. I couldn't shake it. I prayed and prayed that God would take the fear from me, but it didn't budge.

Around Christmas time a fellow teacher whom I loved and admired gave me a Christmas gift. It was a small book that she had put together of scriptures dealing with infertility. It had a beautifully written and sweet card with it and as I opened the gift I immediately began to cry. From that night forward, I read and prayed those scriptures.

Praying His Word became part of my nightly routine. Soon the fear subsided and I began to trust the will of God. By March, I was pregnant with Kinley and tucked the book away for another season of my life.

Sometime after Kinley died I pulled the book back out and would occasionally read through the scriptures again. I even made similar books for a few of my friends and gave them to them as gifts. (By the way, they all now have babies!)

Now here's my shameful confession...I've rarely used the book in the past year. For some reason it's not a part of my nightly routine anymore. Looking back over the past year, I see how Satan has regained a foothold of fear in my life, and the sad thing is, I see how I allowed it!

As a matter of fact, in some strange way, I think I wanted to just sit in that fear for awhile. I was angry that just a short time later, I would have to pull that book out again. Isn't that silly? I felt so bad for myself that I actually wanted to just be miserable for awhile. It's only fair right? I mean look at how my life was playing out.

For some reason tonight, the scripture book came to mind. So, I've decided to stop feeling sorry for myself and to stop allowing fear to plague my life. I'm pulling my scriptures back out, and this time I'm going to share them with you too! Not all of them are specific to infertility, so hopefully you can all get some encouragement from them too.

This one is my very favorite, I recite it in my head often...

"He makes the barren women abide in the house as a joyful mother of children. Praise the Lord!" Psalm 113:9

"And everything you ask in prayer believing, you shall receive." Matthew 21:22

"Delight yourself in the Lord; and He will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord, trust also in Him, and He will do it." Psalm 37:4-5

"Do not fear, for I am with you. Do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, surely I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10

Next Step?

Yesterday was a tough day.

We had already learned over the weekend that our recent IUI had failed. I was scheduled for another doctor's appointment on Monday morning. I went in, fully expecting the same routine... do an ultrasound and some blood work, talk to the doctor, hear that we should try another IUI. In the back of my mind I considered that maybe the doctor would be leery of another IUI and would suggest we move ahead to IVF. Jacob and I had discussed that possibility and were prepared to make the decision to move forward if it was necessary.

I was not shocked when the doctor said that he didn't feel that an IUI would be wise for us to try again. He had given me as high of a dose of medicine as he would ever give me for as long of time as possible and he didn't feel that the results were good enough to merit spending that kind of time and money again. Even with these high doses and the added Lupron, I just did not respond well to the medicine. (Basically there were still too few "good" follicles.)

However, I was caught completely off guard by what he said next. He said that because he would use the exact same medicine regimen for IVF, he also didn't feel like IVF would be a wise choice for us. For those who haven't been through infertility, basically IVF was what we held up in the back of our minds as our last option....if all else fails, IVF will give us the best shot. Most women have a 50-60% chance of IVF being successful. To my shock, the doctor said that he would give me only about a 20% chance of success with IVF. He said while it would be my "best shot", it would be a lot of money to spend for something that he didn't really feel would be successful.

He suggested that we do one of two things....

1) Decide to try the IVF if we really feel that we want to do everything we can to give it our best shot at success. He reminded me though, that this would be a lot of money for a low chance at success.

2) Go back on to the low dose of Tamoxifen that I had taken before. He said I could try this "month after month and hope that one day we get lucky and it works". He said my chances would be about 5-10% each month.

I was in shock. I had just heard that there was a low chance of me ever becoming pregnant again. Impossible....no, unlikely....yes. I felt very much as though the doctor was "throwing in the towel".

I spent yesterday hurt, sad, depressed even. I felt like I'd just taken the second worse blow in my life. Would I really never be a mother again? I was angry (more to come on this later.) I was confused. I was beaten down. I was questioning. I was lost. I didn't know where we would possibly go from here.

Today I'm still very sad. I'm still confused and I still have no idea what is next for us. I'm also still very scared. As usually happens though, the more rational Erica woke up this morning. Today I'm ready to consider our options and to make decisions. Obviously all the emotions I was feeling yesterday are still there, but I can see through them better today.

In short, Jacob and I desperately need your prayers. We have major life decisions to make. In order to have our own biological children.....we NEED a miracle! We simply won't have another baby without a miracle from God. I also need you to pray that through this process we won't become bitter towards God.

(By the way, sometimes I absolutely do feel angry at God. I know that there are people who don't agree with that, but anger is an emotion that arises. I know that God is good, I know that he is not the author of evil. My rational self knows this, but I am human. I get angry with God and I believe whole-heartedly that He understands how and why I feel that anger more than any person on earth can. I don't, however, want to let that anger turn into bitterness or linger for too long.)

Jacob and I feel certain that God would not have placed this STRONG desire for children into our hearts unless He fully intended for us to have children. We're not certain what that family will look like, when it will come, or how we will get there. We have not give up hope, but we do need direction!

Please pray with us as we consider the following...

-Should we get a second opinion?

-Should we do the IVF knowing that our chances are lower than most couples? There is a large part of us that feels like we have to give it our "best shot"!

-If we do decide to go forward with IVF, where will the funding come from? Are we willing to put ourselves into debt for this?

-Is adoption our best option at this point? If so, where do we start? What do we do? Where will the funding come from?

-Are there other options that we need to consider? (egg or embryo donation?)

Thank you again for taking this journey with us!! I know that so many of you are praying for us!!!!

Hannah

I've been reading lately from the book of 1 Samuel. The story of Hannah has been calling to me for a few weeks, and I've read it over and over. One of the books I was reading referenced Hannah's story, and I felt compelled to read it. Although I've heard the story a million times before, it struck me differently at this stage in my life.

The Bible says that God had closed Hannah's womb. While she was unable to have children, her husband's other wife, Peninnah gave their husband several sons and daughters. The Bible tells us that Peninnah taunted and provoked Hannah about not having children. To the point that Hannah would be reduced to tears and refuse to eat.

I had to put myself in Hannah's shoes for a minute, not only is she struggling with her own infertility, but she's also being made fun of and taunted for it by the "other woman". Infertility hurts....it's hurts every time you think about it, it hurts every time you see a pregnant woman or a tiny new baby, it hurts when people mean to help but say the wrong thing, it just hurts. To add to the top of that hurt the fact that someone else is mocking you for it would be devastating! How awful!

Hannah became so upset on one of their yearly trips, that as she got up and went to pray in the tabernacle. While there, the Bible says "Hannah was in deep anguish, crying bitterly as she prayed to the Lord." The priest saw her so upset and thought that she must be drunk! That must have been some pretty devastating weeping and sobbing!! Hannah cried out to God and said that if He would bless her with a son, she would give him back to God for his entire life.

Now, originally I was thinking that Hannah meant she would dedicate him to God. (You know like in one of those nice little ceremonies when the preacher prays over the baby and says some nice things and then GIVES the baby back??) Nope, that's not at all what Hannah meant! She really meant that she would give him to God for his whole life. If you read on, you can see what a great sacrifice this must have been for a mother that had longed for many years for a child.

The Bible says that Hannah conceived and gave birth to a son whom she named Samuel. Then Hannah said to her husband, "Wait until the boy is weaned, then I will take him to the Tabernacle and leave him with the Lord permanently." Wait a minute....WHAT?? Permanently?

And that's exactly what Hannah did, she took him and left him in service to the Lord. The Bible even tells us how often she saw her son. It says that every year when they returned to offer their sacrifice she brought him a gift. She saw her son, whom she had longed and prayed for, one time each year! After leaving him, Hannah sings a song of praise to the Lord. It's really quite beautiful, and you should read it if you have a chance (1 Samuel 2). Here's just a sample...

"My heart rejoices in Lord,
The Lord has made me strong.
Now I have an answer for my enemies;
I rejoice because you have rescued me."

Isn't Hannah an amazing woman of God? I've been so challenged be her in the last month or so. Hannah loved God and prayed to Him throughout her infertility. She didn't give up on the Lord, and He didn't forget her. And after receiving her blessing, Hannah remained true to her word and gave her son to God. I'm not sure that I could do that, could you? Do you trust God enough to give Him back the blessings He's given you?

By the way, because of their faithfulness, God blessed Hannah and Elkanah with 5 more children!

Prayers Needed

Hey everyone....

Without giving too much detail, I could really use your prayers today. I feel like every time I get good news, I get bad news soon after! If you could just say a quick prayer for me today, I would really appreciate it. I'm crying out for God's will for my life, and asking Him to meet my hearts desires. I need Him to show me that He's still working and to be honest, I could just use a good dose of some good news!!! We could also just really use a little relief in our finances. We have some big expenses this week that now look like they're going to get bigger. We would really like for that NOT to happen! Thanks, I really appreciate it!!!