When it comes to losing a child, there tends to be a misconception that once you become pregnant, you no longer hurt as deeply as you did before you got pregnant. I just want to clear up quickly, that the pain of losing Kinley is no less today than it was 10 weeks ago. The pain has changed many times over the past two years, and it's definitely different today than it was two years ago, but having another baby doesn't in any way take away that pain. Instead, like many other things have, it adds a new level to the hurt.
First, being pregnant again is a constant reminder of my pregnancy with Kinley. I'm reminded daily of every thought, dream, and hope I had for her. There were times before that being around pregnant women was just too much, I had to escape "pregnancy" to give my heart a break from the hurt that it reminded me of. Now, I have no escape. Pregnancy is scary for me, and it's hard to remind myself that it doesn't usually end in pain.
In addition to that, being pregnant again brings about an entirely new thing to mourn. Watching Brenna, and even Bristol, become aware of and get excited about my pregnancy is so much fun, but my mind can't help but wander to how Kinley would be reacting to this baby. Would she understand what was going on? Would she be excited? Would she be a jealous big sister? When that blessed day comes, I'll be overjoyed to welcome our new baby, but I also can't help but expect that there will be a hole in the joy. The pictures won't quite seem complete without the big sister there to share in the day.
Please don't think that I'm just being negative or that I'm any less excited about the baby because of losing Kinley. I'm still about to bust at the seams with joy and excitement. I will be the happiest new mommy you've ever seen! And I'm thanking God daily, even hourly for this blessing!!! I just don't want anyone to make the misassumption that getting pregnant has somehow "healed" me from my loss. A new baby can't bring a new level of healing, only a loving God can do that!
Thursday, October 27, 2011
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
9 Week Pregnancy Update
I'm currently 9 weeks and a few days pregnant. Those few days are important because I'm counting down the weeks and days until I'm out of the first trimester! As a woman who wanted to be pregnant for so long and knows the pain of losing a child, it feels as though I should just have a smile permanently pasted on my face for the next 7 months. I shouldn't complain or grumble, I should just be happy to be pregnant. And I AM beyond happy, but on the other hand, I'm also very sick. I'm keeping very little in my system right now and I just feel yucky. Of course, I wouldn't trade it for the world, but it sure is tough on my body!!
I'm caught in a very strange cycle of feeling bad, complaining, feeling guilty for complaining, apologizing to whoever is near for complaining when I should just be happy to be pregnant, and then starting all over again. I know it's silly, but my brain seems to go there anyway!
One reason that I believe I'm more sick than my last pregnancy is something that I've not shared until this point. In our first ultrasound, we actually saw two gestational sacs. We were expecting twins. It was evident right away, however, that the second sac was smaller than the first. Eventually we saw a fetal pole, yolk sac, and then heartbeat in the first baby. The second sac, however, never really developed. We were told that it would likely just disappear or might miscarry, but that hasn't happened yet. At our last ultrasound, the sac was still there and attached to my uterus. I'm not sure if that has anything to do with my sickness, but I'm guessing that since the sac is still there and even seemed to be bigger this time, that it's still putting off hormones!!
On a happier note, the baby looks great! He/She is growing and developing on track. We heard a nice healthy heart beat at our last appointment. And I'm am nearly bursting with the anticipation of finding out if we're having a boy or a girl!! I don't understand how people could possibly be patient enough to wait the whole 9 months without finding out! That was never even a discussion in our home!! I'm ready to know so that the shopping can begin!
I'm caught in a very strange cycle of feeling bad, complaining, feeling guilty for complaining, apologizing to whoever is near for complaining when I should just be happy to be pregnant, and then starting all over again. I know it's silly, but my brain seems to go there anyway!
One reason that I believe I'm more sick than my last pregnancy is something that I've not shared until this point. In our first ultrasound, we actually saw two gestational sacs. We were expecting twins. It was evident right away, however, that the second sac was smaller than the first. Eventually we saw a fetal pole, yolk sac, and then heartbeat in the first baby. The second sac, however, never really developed. We were told that it would likely just disappear or might miscarry, but that hasn't happened yet. At our last ultrasound, the sac was still there and attached to my uterus. I'm not sure if that has anything to do with my sickness, but I'm guessing that since the sac is still there and even seemed to be bigger this time, that it's still putting off hormones!!
On a happier note, the baby looks great! He/She is growing and developing on track. We heard a nice healthy heart beat at our last appointment. And I'm am nearly bursting with the anticipation of finding out if we're having a boy or a girl!! I don't understand how people could possibly be patient enough to wait the whole 9 months without finding out! That was never even a discussion in our home!! I'm ready to know so that the shopping can begin!
Thursday, October 6, 2011
The Dream
I won't be posting for a few days because I'm leaving early in the morning (like 3:30!) for Florida for a long weekend! I'm so excited for a little break from life to spend some time with some of the ladies in my family and see my brother!
BUT.... I HAD to get this post in before I take off, so I'm taking a break from packing to tell you another amazing way that God has blessed us in the past few weeks.
As some of you understand, a pregnancy following the loss of a child brings about a plethora of emotion. It's frightening to be pregnant again. It also brings back all of those feelings of hurt and it makes you miss your baby even more. Because I have friends who have been through it, I was prepared for this. I even prayed about it long before I got pregnant. I knew that to some extent it would be hard for me to be pregnant again, even though it's been my greatest desire for the past couple years.
Unbeknownst to me, Jacob was struggling with some of these same feelings. More specifically, he was having a hard time being excited about the new baby because in some way he was feeling almost guilty. It was hard for him to be excited because it was hard to move on from losing Kinley. It was almost as if he was afraid it would hurt her for him to be happy about a new baby.
We hadn't discussed this at all. As a matter of fact, I thought his hesitation to be excited was more about fear of losing this baby. I had no idea he was struggling with being happy and no idea that it had anything to do with Kinley. Let me reiterate, he hadn't shared his feelings with anyone!
On the Sunday morning after we announced our pregnancy, a man from our church, (someone we would consider to be in the a friend, but not necessarily a close friend who we spend a great deal of time with or would confide in) approached Jacob in the lobby. He told him the following (paraphrased in my words because I wasn't there)...
I had a dream about you last night that I feel like I'm suppose to tell you. I saw Kinley sitting on God's knee and all she said was "It's okay daddy. I'm fine. It's okay to be happy."
Wow!!! Jacob hadn't shared his concerns with anyone, but God had seen his struggle. He could have given Jacob the dream, but that might have been too easy for him to try to explain away. God knew exactly what Jacob needed to hear and exactly how Jacob needed to hear it.
Tell me we don't serve a BIG God!!! Not only did He answer our prayers for a miracle, He also cares enough for Jacob to ease his mind and allow him to fully enjoy this pregnancy!! What a precious reminder that our little girl is happy in heaven and wants us to be happy here on earth. I think Kinley is just as excited about this blessing as the rest of us!!
BUT.... I HAD to get this post in before I take off, so I'm taking a break from packing to tell you another amazing way that God has blessed us in the past few weeks.
As some of you understand, a pregnancy following the loss of a child brings about a plethora of emotion. It's frightening to be pregnant again. It also brings back all of those feelings of hurt and it makes you miss your baby even more. Because I have friends who have been through it, I was prepared for this. I even prayed about it long before I got pregnant. I knew that to some extent it would be hard for me to be pregnant again, even though it's been my greatest desire for the past couple years.
Unbeknownst to me, Jacob was struggling with some of these same feelings. More specifically, he was having a hard time being excited about the new baby because in some way he was feeling almost guilty. It was hard for him to be excited because it was hard to move on from losing Kinley. It was almost as if he was afraid it would hurt her for him to be happy about a new baby.
We hadn't discussed this at all. As a matter of fact, I thought his hesitation to be excited was more about fear of losing this baby. I had no idea he was struggling with being happy and no idea that it had anything to do with Kinley. Let me reiterate, he hadn't shared his feelings with anyone!
On the Sunday morning after we announced our pregnancy, a man from our church, (someone we would consider to be in the a friend, but not necessarily a close friend who we spend a great deal of time with or would confide in) approached Jacob in the lobby. He told him the following (paraphrased in my words because I wasn't there)...
I had a dream about you last night that I feel like I'm suppose to tell you. I saw Kinley sitting on God's knee and all she said was "It's okay daddy. I'm fine. It's okay to be happy."
Wow!!! Jacob hadn't shared his concerns with anyone, but God had seen his struggle. He could have given Jacob the dream, but that might have been too easy for him to try to explain away. God knew exactly what Jacob needed to hear and exactly how Jacob needed to hear it.
Tell me we don't serve a BIG God!!! Not only did He answer our prayers for a miracle, He also cares enough for Jacob to ease his mind and allow him to fully enjoy this pregnancy!! What a precious reminder that our little girl is happy in heaven and wants us to be happy here on earth. I think Kinley is just as excited about this blessing as the rest of us!!
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
A Season of Waiting
It was one year ago in August that we were told that if we didn't do IVF within one year, we may not have children. Of course there were many ups and downs over that year and we were later told that IVF might not even work. Still, that urgency to at least try before this August was constantly nagging at me. There were multiple times that we were ready to move forward with IVF. We had at one point decided that February or March of 2011 was definitely the time we would try IVF. But that time came and we just didn't feel the release from God to go ahead with it. We prayed and we never felt like God was giving us the go ahead. Again in March we were told that we needed to do IVF quickly. The second opinion doctor was very clear "Don't mess around with rounds of clomid and don't WAIT!"
In addition, we had seriously considered adoption. In fact, we had even met with the adoption agency in Tennessee and gotten the paperwork to start the process. I was praying that if we were not to move forward with the adoption process at this time that God would just close the door. Just a couple weeks after meeting with the agency in Tennessee, we got the word that we were moving to Indiana. For me that was a door closed, at least for the time being.
But by this summer, I have to admit that I was in a bit of a panic under the surface. In July, I went to visit my Mom, aunt, and sister-in-law at kid's camp. On the way home, I was pleading with God about what our next step should be. I was ready to move ahead with something. I was specifically asking God to tell me if we should go ahead with IVF (like now) or if we should move ahead with adoption. I got a clear (almost audible) answer, but I didn't like it. God was clearly telling me to WAIT. My first instinct was to argue with Him about how long I had already waited and that the doctor's said I have a low ovarian reserve and waiting could mean not having biological children, but for some reason I was very much at peace with His answer. Against all advice and odds, waiting seemed to be the right answer.
And so we waited.... we waited because we didn't feel like God had released us to do anything else, we waited because that's what He asked us to do, we waited because we believe that God is so much bigger than the doctor's advice or my ovarian reserve!
And we didn't have to wait much longer....just a couple months later, we were pregnant! And to add the cherry on top, we got pregnant in August, the very month that the doctor's had told us one year earlier that we MUST do IVF by or we wouldn't have children.
Just a quick word of encouragement....
God does have a plan for your life. He sees you right where you are, and what's better, He sees where you WILL be. Sometimes we get answers from Him that we just don't understand, but no matter how you feel about where He's leading you, He's doing it for your own good. That's so hard to grasp and accept in the moment, but hold on to the fact that He does have a plan!!
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." Jeremiah 29:11-13
I also want to encourage you that if you're in a season of waiting or if you've been crying out to God for a specific request, find a verse to make your own. Memorize it and claim it. When we first started having fertility trouble, even before having Kinley, I claimed this verse...
"He makes the barren woman abide in the house as a joyful mother of children. Praise the Lord!" Psalm 113:9
I memorized it, I read it over and over again, I claimed it! I didn't know how He would do it or when He would do it, but I knew that He would!
Find a scripture that fits your personal circumstance and make it your own!
In addition, we had seriously considered adoption. In fact, we had even met with the adoption agency in Tennessee and gotten the paperwork to start the process. I was praying that if we were not to move forward with the adoption process at this time that God would just close the door. Just a couple weeks after meeting with the agency in Tennessee, we got the word that we were moving to Indiana. For me that was a door closed, at least for the time being.
But by this summer, I have to admit that I was in a bit of a panic under the surface. In July, I went to visit my Mom, aunt, and sister-in-law at kid's camp. On the way home, I was pleading with God about what our next step should be. I was ready to move ahead with something. I was specifically asking God to tell me if we should go ahead with IVF (like now) or if we should move ahead with adoption. I got a clear (almost audible) answer, but I didn't like it. God was clearly telling me to WAIT. My first instinct was to argue with Him about how long I had already waited and that the doctor's said I have a low ovarian reserve and waiting could mean not having biological children, but for some reason I was very much at peace with His answer. Against all advice and odds, waiting seemed to be the right answer.
And so we waited.... we waited because we didn't feel like God had released us to do anything else, we waited because that's what He asked us to do, we waited because we believe that God is so much bigger than the doctor's advice or my ovarian reserve!
And we didn't have to wait much longer....just a couple months later, we were pregnant! And to add the cherry on top, we got pregnant in August, the very month that the doctor's had told us one year earlier that we MUST do IVF by or we wouldn't have children.
Just a quick word of encouragement....
God does have a plan for your life. He sees you right where you are, and what's better, He sees where you WILL be. Sometimes we get answers from Him that we just don't understand, but no matter how you feel about where He's leading you, He's doing it for your own good. That's so hard to grasp and accept in the moment, but hold on to the fact that He does have a plan!!
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." Jeremiah 29:11-13
I also want to encourage you that if you're in a season of waiting or if you've been crying out to God for a specific request, find a verse to make your own. Memorize it and claim it. When we first started having fertility trouble, even before having Kinley, I claimed this verse...
"He makes the barren woman abide in the house as a joyful mother of children. Praise the Lord!" Psalm 113:9
I memorized it, I read it over and over again, I claimed it! I didn't know how He would do it or when He would do it, but I knew that He would!
Find a scripture that fits your personal circumstance and make it your own!
Monday, October 3, 2011
The Full Story!
Wow! Where to even start with this post?! First, our computer is back up and running and I plan on giving you all plenty of updates in the near future!!! Second, pardon any errors in this post, I'm writing at 4:00 in the morning. My "morning sickness" has turned into morning, noon, and night sickness, and I've been up all night with a very sick tummy! Also, if you haven't watched our video yet, you want to scroll down and watch it before reading on in this post!
If I had one word to sum up these last few weeks it would simply be "emotional". Pretty much every emotion you can think of, I've experienced in the past few weeks! I've been happy to the point of tears, sad to the point of tears, nervous to the point of tears, and joyous to the point of giggling! (Notice there are a lot of tears....thank you pregnancy hormones!)
So let me give you the rest of the story on finding out we were expecting. If you've been keeping up with my blog, you probably know that when we moved back to Indiana in early summer, we decided to give ourselves a few months off from seeing a fertility specialist. I just thought it was best to take a break financially and allow ourselves some time to get settled back in at home. We were looking for a house to buy and living in temporary housing and just seemed to have enough on our plates. Of course, to completely stop trying to get pregnant was completely out of the question!
I started seeing my regular OB here in Lafayette and asked him to put me on a different medication. It was a low-dose pill that works similar to Clomid. Right away, I seemed to respond better to the medication. By the way, I'm in no way crediting that to the medication itself, that was just purely God saying "It's time to get rolling here!" There is no medical reason why that pill would work better for me than anything else. Actually, my doctor and I were both shocked to see that I was producing 2-3 follicles on it when that's basically all I was getting with the high-dose injections!
In the first month of the medication, I miscarried. In the second month, I asked the doctor to check my progesterone level on day 21 AND day 24. Mine has always been great on day 21, which is the normal day for checking it, but I just had a hunch that something was happening with it. Dr. H said he fully expected it to be fine, but would check it to see. To his surprise, but not mine, my progesterone totally plummeted between days 21 and 24. That would explain my early miscarriages!
In month three, I took the medication and then also supplemented my cycle with progesterone. I also had an ultrasound to check my follicles and got a shot of HCG to force my body to ovulate on time. Because of that, I knew exactly when I could take a pregnancy test!
So on Thursday morning, September 8th, I woke up as Jacob was leaving for work and hurried in to take a test. I can't say I was shocked with the positive result, because I had been feeling different and was sort of expecting it. But, when you've been trying for so long, it's still hard to believe. I hurried to the garage to catch Jacob and showed him the test. We were cautiously excited, but because of my HCG shot I wanted to get blood work done ASAP!
On Thursday, my HCG level was 35. It was a positive pregnancy level, but still low and it was impossible to say if that was because it was so early (still 4 days before my period was even due!) or if it was left-over from the shot. On Saturday, my level had jumped up to 105 and confirmed that we were pregnant!!! A third level checked 4 days later had jumped even higher to 825!
We told our immediately family and my two closest friends on Saturday and decided to hold off until Kinley's birthday to share the news with the rest of our family and friends. Of course, a few of us slipped in the meantime and told some people!
Since then, we've had two ultrasounds and everything seems to be progressing well. We were able to see the slightest flicker of a heartbeat the day before Kinley's birthday, but couldn't hear the heartbeat yet. We're both anxiously awaiting that moment!!
We've all been a huge bundle of emotions over the past several weeks and I don't foresee that changing anytime soon! Although it's difficult not to analyze every little ache, pain, and twinge, God has really provided me with a sense of peace about this pregnancy. I appreciate your continued prayers for that peace and for our little miracle!!
(Oh, and stay tuned....I have a truly amazing story about how God used another man in our church to provide him with the reassurance that he needed at just the right time!!!)
If I had one word to sum up these last few weeks it would simply be "emotional". Pretty much every emotion you can think of, I've experienced in the past few weeks! I've been happy to the point of tears, sad to the point of tears, nervous to the point of tears, and joyous to the point of giggling! (Notice there are a lot of tears....thank you pregnancy hormones!)
So let me give you the rest of the story on finding out we were expecting. If you've been keeping up with my blog, you probably know that when we moved back to Indiana in early summer, we decided to give ourselves a few months off from seeing a fertility specialist. I just thought it was best to take a break financially and allow ourselves some time to get settled back in at home. We were looking for a house to buy and living in temporary housing and just seemed to have enough on our plates. Of course, to completely stop trying to get pregnant was completely out of the question!
I started seeing my regular OB here in Lafayette and asked him to put me on a different medication. It was a low-dose pill that works similar to Clomid. Right away, I seemed to respond better to the medication. By the way, I'm in no way crediting that to the medication itself, that was just purely God saying "It's time to get rolling here!" There is no medical reason why that pill would work better for me than anything else. Actually, my doctor and I were both shocked to see that I was producing 2-3 follicles on it when that's basically all I was getting with the high-dose injections!
In the first month of the medication, I miscarried. In the second month, I asked the doctor to check my progesterone level on day 21 AND day 24. Mine has always been great on day 21, which is the normal day for checking it, but I just had a hunch that something was happening with it. Dr. H said he fully expected it to be fine, but would check it to see. To his surprise, but not mine, my progesterone totally plummeted between days 21 and 24. That would explain my early miscarriages!
In month three, I took the medication and then also supplemented my cycle with progesterone. I also had an ultrasound to check my follicles and got a shot of HCG to force my body to ovulate on time. Because of that, I knew exactly when I could take a pregnancy test!
So on Thursday morning, September 8th, I woke up as Jacob was leaving for work and hurried in to take a test. I can't say I was shocked with the positive result, because I had been feeling different and was sort of expecting it. But, when you've been trying for so long, it's still hard to believe. I hurried to the garage to catch Jacob and showed him the test. We were cautiously excited, but because of my HCG shot I wanted to get blood work done ASAP!
On Thursday, my HCG level was 35. It was a positive pregnancy level, but still low and it was impossible to say if that was because it was so early (still 4 days before my period was even due!) or if it was left-over from the shot. On Saturday, my level had jumped up to 105 and confirmed that we were pregnant!!! A third level checked 4 days later had jumped even higher to 825!
We told our immediately family and my two closest friends on Saturday and decided to hold off until Kinley's birthday to share the news with the rest of our family and friends. Of course, a few of us slipped in the meantime and told some people!
Since then, we've had two ultrasounds and everything seems to be progressing well. We were able to see the slightest flicker of a heartbeat the day before Kinley's birthday, but couldn't hear the heartbeat yet. We're both anxiously awaiting that moment!!
We've all been a huge bundle of emotions over the past several weeks and I don't foresee that changing anytime soon! Although it's difficult not to analyze every little ache, pain, and twinge, God has really provided me with a sense of peace about this pregnancy. I appreciate your continued prayers for that peace and for our little miracle!!
(Oh, and stay tuned....I have a truly amazing story about how God used another man in our church to provide him with the reassurance that he needed at just the right time!!!)
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