Emotion...

I haven't blogged much lately and it's mostly because I've had a hard time putting into words exactly how it is I'm feeling. I'm completely overwhelmed with emotion, but grasping to explain how I really feel.

In just 8 short days we'll be welcoming Emersyn Kate into the world. I have a c-section scheduled for Thursday April 26th. I'm so excited that I can hardly contain myself, and yet at the same time, I'm having a hard time making myself believe that it will really happen. It's almost unreal to me that we'll really be bringing our baby home.

In addition, there are moments that the fear and anxiety are completely paralyzing. I can't even explain how crippling the fear can be. I've prayed so much lately for God's peace! As crazy as it sounds, there have also been many moments when I'm not necessarily feeling scared, but I find myself looking around the room and thinking of the things I'll need to "hide away" if something goes wrong and we don't get to bring Emmy home. It's almost matter-of-fact, my mind just goes to "Did we keep the box for that so I can put it up if I need to? Will I take the nursery completely apart or just shut the door?" I feel like a crazy person that I could even think that way!!! And yet, it's the reality of where I've been.

Other times, I've found myself just sitting down and crying. I'm not even sure if I'm crying tears of sadness, anxiety, joy, hormones! or a little bit of each. I miss Kinley so much and being pregnant and preparing to bring a baby home makes it more real that I didn't get to do all of this with her. I also watch Brenna and Bristol talking to my tummy and kissing it and getting so excited about meeting her, and it sometimes sends a shooting pain in my heart because I realize that Emersyn "should" have a big sister here anxiously preparing for her arrival. Of course, I know that she really shouldn't be here, that was never the plan for her life. God had bigger things in store for her than I even realized. But that doesn't change the fact that I wish I could watch her with her baby sister.

It's compounded by the fact that I've been asked the innocent and yet painful question "Is this your first?" at least a hundred times throughout the pregnancy. How is a Mommy whose baby has passed away suppose to answer that question? Sometimes the situation just doesn't lend itself to an explanation and I just nod my head yes and walk away. Then I inevitably feel guilty that I didn't even mention Kinley. Sometimes I just say no and leave it at that. But most often, I give the same response "No, we had a daughter that was stillborn, but this is the first that we'll get to bring home." Then I see the look on the other persons face and feel bad for making the person feel uncomfortable! It's really an impossible question to answer "right"!!!

As I write this today, no matter how much I miss McKinley, I have an overwhelming assurance that this was all part of God's plan for her life. As we celebrate Emersyn and all the focus seems to be on her, I still see how God is using Kinley. We were so very blessed to have a maternity shoot recently with about 20 photographers from P31. We got some amazing pictures and I have no clue how I'll choose favorites. And in the midst of celebrating my pregnancy, I also got to share our testimony. I've heard from many of the women who were touched by Kinley's story in some way. It makes me so proud to be know that she's still reaching people and it's so humbling to know that God chose me to carry her and be the one who gets to share her short life with others.

Here are some of the amazing photos we got...

Taken by Kristy Walters

I probably won't post again until after Emersyn has arrived. Thank you all so much for your thoughts, prayers, and kind words throughout this pregnancy. We serve such an amazing God! A God who has conquered death, infertility, and doctor's reports!

Update on Emersyn!

I can't even begin to describe how much love we have felt over the past week. I have been shocked to tears at the amount of support that so many of you have shown us!!! I truly believe that one of the (many) reasons for this new trial in our life was to show us the overwhelming amount of support that we have from family, friends, and complete strangers!

My appointment with the specialist was Tuesday afternoon. I really expected myself to be much more nervous than I was. The teachers at school prayed with me in the morning and little Emersyn kicked throughout the prayer! I felt totally at peace in those moments. I heard from so many friends who were praying and I could definitely feel that! Of course, by the time I got to the appointment, I was nearly shaking with nerves. I felt like my insides were quaking.

The ultrasound tech was super sweet and was a complete blessing to us. She explained why we were there, what they were looking for, and everything she saw on the ultrasound. She literally started at Emmy's toes and worked all the way up to the top of her head, measuring everything and checking every organ. The further she moved up her body, the more I began to feel at peace. Many of the signs of genetic disorders that I knew they were checking just weren't there. When she got to the bowels, she just didn't see the problem that they had seen at my OB office. Although slightly "bright", she said she doubted that the bowels could even be called"echogenic". I fully believe God healed her bowels before we got there. In addition, the spot on the heart, while still there, just didn't appear to be a problem. She examined every part of her heart and it was functioning perfectly!!! From head to toes, Emmy appeared to be perfect!

She left the room to get the doctor. When Dr. Sumners went over the ultrasound, he had the same opinion as the ultrasound tech. He said the bowels were "perfectly normal baby bowels"! And he watched her heart for a long time and said that he just couldn't call it a deformity or a problem. To him, it just looked like the muscle in her heart was echoing back a little. He said she had a structurally normal brain and that there would probably come a day when we would doubt that! :) They were also both very excited to get a really good shot of Emersyn's hand all spread open. The doctor explained that many times, babies who are born with birth defects can't open their hand fully. This was just God's extra little sign for us that she was perfect and whole!! Before leaving, he said there was no need to see a genetic counselor or to come back for a follow-up! Our prayers could not possibly have been answered any more fully!!!

I'm not sure why things happened like they did or why we had the scare with little Emmy, but I know that I already see ways that God has worked through it.

1 - They checked every inch of our little miracle's body and couldn't find any reason for concern. That sure eases a Momma's mind and makes it easier to enjoy the remainder of the pregnancy. Anyone who has had a pregnancy after loss understands how sweet that peace of mind can be. Even when I catch myself starting to worry a little, I stop myself and think "What can you possibly worry about? She's perfectly healthy and God is watching out for her!"

2 - We were shown a tremendous amount of love and support from hundreds of people. The total number of read from my last blog post was close to 2,000. That's just amazing! We were given a glimpse of just how blessed we are and how loved our little Emmy is already!!!

3 - Many more people read Kinley's story because of Emmy. So many people found my blog through other friends and then went back to read the rest of our journey and I can't help but think that part of this trial was for others to see how faithful God is by using Kinley's story once again!

4 - We faced another trial and our faith still stood firm. Each time that Satan tries to throw something in our path to trip us up, he fails! God has another victory!!

5 - I was told by people that had never really fasted and prayed for something before that they would be fasting with us. What an amazing way to lead people to the miracle worker!!!!

Thank you all so much for your prayers, comments, and messages!!!! We are abundantly blessed!!!!!!

Her sweet little open hand!

Little foot!

Emersyn Kate!

The Dream

I won't be posting for a few days because I'm leaving early in the morning (like 3:30!) for Florida for a long weekend! I'm so excited for a little break from life to spend some time with some of the ladies in my family and see my brother!

BUT.... I HAD to get this post in before I take off, so I'm taking a break from packing to tell you another amazing way that God has blessed us in the past few weeks.

As some of you understand, a pregnancy following the loss of a child brings about a plethora of emotion. It's frightening to be pregnant again. It also brings back all of those feelings of hurt and it makes you miss your baby even more. Because I have friends who have been through it, I was prepared for this. I even prayed about it long before I got pregnant. I knew that to some extent it would be hard for me to be pregnant again, even though it's been my greatest desire for the past couple years.

Unbeknownst to me, Jacob was struggling with some of these same feelings. More specifically, he was having a hard time being excited about the new baby because in some way he was feeling almost guilty. It was hard for him to be excited because it was hard to move on from losing Kinley. It was almost as if he was afraid it would hurt her for him to be happy about a new baby.

We hadn't discussed this at all. As a matter of fact, I thought his hesitation to be excited was more about fear of losing this baby. I had no idea he was struggling with being happy and no idea that it had anything to do with Kinley. Let me reiterate, he hadn't shared his feelings with anyone!

On the Sunday morning after we announced our pregnancy, a man from our church, (someone we would consider to be in the a friend, but not necessarily a close friend who we spend a great deal of time with or would confide in) approached Jacob in the lobby. He told him the following (paraphrased in my words because I wasn't there)...

I had a dream about you last night that I feel like I'm suppose to tell you. I saw Kinley sitting on God's knee and all she said was "It's okay daddy. I'm fine. It's okay to be happy."

Wow!!! Jacob hadn't shared his concerns with anyone, but God had seen his struggle. He could have given Jacob the dream, but that might have been too easy for him to try to explain away. God knew exactly what Jacob needed to hear and exactly how Jacob needed to hear it.

Tell me we don't serve a BIG God!!! Not only did He answer our prayers for a miracle, He also cares enough for Jacob to ease his mind and allow him to fully enjoy this pregnancy!! What a precious reminder that our little girl is happy in heaven and wants us to be happy here on earth. I think Kinley is just as excited about this blessing as the rest of us!!

Letting Go of the Fear

Around the time that Jacob and I started trying to get pregnant for Kinley, I stood in church one Sunday morning and was overwhelmed by fear. I was afraid that we would have trouble getting pregnant. Somewhere in my spirit, I guess I sensed the journey that lay ahead of us. I went to a woman in the church that I admire and trust and asked her to pray with me. Unfortunately, as much as I tried to rebuke this fear it held on to my spirit. I couldn't shake it. I prayed and prayed that God would take the fear from me, but it didn't budge.

Around Christmas time a fellow teacher whom I loved and admired gave me a Christmas gift. It was a small book that she had put together of scriptures dealing with infertility. It had a beautifully written and sweet card with it and as I opened the gift I immediately began to cry. From that night forward, I read and prayed those scriptures.

Praying His Word became part of my nightly routine. Soon the fear subsided and I began to trust the will of God. By March, I was pregnant with Kinley and tucked the book away for another season of my life.

Sometime after Kinley died I pulled the book back out and would occasionally read through the scriptures again. I even made similar books for a few of my friends and gave them to them as gifts. (By the way, they all now have babies!)

Now here's my shameful confession...I've rarely used the book in the past year. For some reason it's not a part of my nightly routine anymore. Looking back over the past year, I see how Satan has regained a foothold of fear in my life, and the sad thing is, I see how I allowed it!

As a matter of fact, in some strange way, I think I wanted to just sit in that fear for awhile. I was angry that just a short time later, I would have to pull that book out again. Isn't that silly? I felt so bad for myself that I actually wanted to just be miserable for awhile. It's only fair right? I mean look at how my life was playing out.

For some reason tonight, the scripture book came to mind. So, I've decided to stop feeling sorry for myself and to stop allowing fear to plague my life. I'm pulling my scriptures back out, and this time I'm going to share them with you too! Not all of them are specific to infertility, so hopefully you can all get some encouragement from them too.

This one is my very favorite, I recite it in my head often...

"He makes the barren women abide in the house as a joyful mother of children. Praise the Lord!" Psalm 113:9

"And everything you ask in prayer believing, you shall receive." Matthew 21:22

"Delight yourself in the Lord; and He will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord, trust also in Him, and He will do it." Psalm 37:4-5

"Do not fear, for I am with you. Do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, surely I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10