Update on Emersyn!

I can't even begin to describe how much love we have felt over the past week. I have been shocked to tears at the amount of support that so many of you have shown us!!! I truly believe that one of the (many) reasons for this new trial in our life was to show us the overwhelming amount of support that we have from family, friends, and complete strangers!

My appointment with the specialist was Tuesday afternoon. I really expected myself to be much more nervous than I was. The teachers at school prayed with me in the morning and little Emersyn kicked throughout the prayer! I felt totally at peace in those moments. I heard from so many friends who were praying and I could definitely feel that! Of course, by the time I got to the appointment, I was nearly shaking with nerves. I felt like my insides were quaking.

The ultrasound tech was super sweet and was a complete blessing to us. She explained why we were there, what they were looking for, and everything she saw on the ultrasound. She literally started at Emmy's toes and worked all the way up to the top of her head, measuring everything and checking every organ. The further she moved up her body, the more I began to feel at peace. Many of the signs of genetic disorders that I knew they were checking just weren't there. When she got to the bowels, she just didn't see the problem that they had seen at my OB office. Although slightly "bright", she said she doubted that the bowels could even be called"echogenic". I fully believe God healed her bowels before we got there. In addition, the spot on the heart, while still there, just didn't appear to be a problem. She examined every part of her heart and it was functioning perfectly!!! From head to toes, Emmy appeared to be perfect!

She left the room to get the doctor. When Dr. Sumners went over the ultrasound, he had the same opinion as the ultrasound tech. He said the bowels were "perfectly normal baby bowels"! And he watched her heart for a long time and said that he just couldn't call it a deformity or a problem. To him, it just looked like the muscle in her heart was echoing back a little. He said she had a structurally normal brain and that there would probably come a day when we would doubt that! :) They were also both very excited to get a really good shot of Emersyn's hand all spread open. The doctor explained that many times, babies who are born with birth defects can't open their hand fully. This was just God's extra little sign for us that she was perfect and whole!! Before leaving, he said there was no need to see a genetic counselor or to come back for a follow-up! Our prayers could not possibly have been answered any more fully!!!

I'm not sure why things happened like they did or why we had the scare with little Emmy, but I know that I already see ways that God has worked through it.

1 - They checked every inch of our little miracle's body and couldn't find any reason for concern. That sure eases a Momma's mind and makes it easier to enjoy the remainder of the pregnancy. Anyone who has had a pregnancy after loss understands how sweet that peace of mind can be. Even when I catch myself starting to worry a little, I stop myself and think "What can you possibly worry about? She's perfectly healthy and God is watching out for her!"

2 - We were shown a tremendous amount of love and support from hundreds of people. The total number of read from my last blog post was close to 2,000. That's just amazing! We were given a glimpse of just how blessed we are and how loved our little Emmy is already!!!

3 - Many more people read Kinley's story because of Emmy. So many people found my blog through other friends and then went back to read the rest of our journey and I can't help but think that part of this trial was for others to see how faithful God is by using Kinley's story once again!

4 - We faced another trial and our faith still stood firm. Each time that Satan tries to throw something in our path to trip us up, he fails! God has another victory!!

5 - I was told by people that had never really fasted and prayed for something before that they would be fasting with us. What an amazing way to lead people to the miracle worker!!!!

Thank you all so much for your prayers, comments, and messages!!!! We are abundantly blessed!!!!!!

Her sweet little open hand!

Little foot!

Emersyn Kate!

The Dream

I won't be posting for a few days because I'm leaving early in the morning (like 3:30!) for Florida for a long weekend! I'm so excited for a little break from life to spend some time with some of the ladies in my family and see my brother!

BUT.... I HAD to get this post in before I take off, so I'm taking a break from packing to tell you another amazing way that God has blessed us in the past few weeks.

As some of you understand, a pregnancy following the loss of a child brings about a plethora of emotion. It's frightening to be pregnant again. It also brings back all of those feelings of hurt and it makes you miss your baby even more. Because I have friends who have been through it, I was prepared for this. I even prayed about it long before I got pregnant. I knew that to some extent it would be hard for me to be pregnant again, even though it's been my greatest desire for the past couple years.

Unbeknownst to me, Jacob was struggling with some of these same feelings. More specifically, he was having a hard time being excited about the new baby because in some way he was feeling almost guilty. It was hard for him to be excited because it was hard to move on from losing Kinley. It was almost as if he was afraid it would hurt her for him to be happy about a new baby.

We hadn't discussed this at all. As a matter of fact, I thought his hesitation to be excited was more about fear of losing this baby. I had no idea he was struggling with being happy and no idea that it had anything to do with Kinley. Let me reiterate, he hadn't shared his feelings with anyone!

On the Sunday morning after we announced our pregnancy, a man from our church, (someone we would consider to be in the a friend, but not necessarily a close friend who we spend a great deal of time with or would confide in) approached Jacob in the lobby. He told him the following (paraphrased in my words because I wasn't there)...

I had a dream about you last night that I feel like I'm suppose to tell you. I saw Kinley sitting on God's knee and all she said was "It's okay daddy. I'm fine. It's okay to be happy."

Wow!!! Jacob hadn't shared his concerns with anyone, but God had seen his struggle. He could have given Jacob the dream, but that might have been too easy for him to try to explain away. God knew exactly what Jacob needed to hear and exactly how Jacob needed to hear it.

Tell me we don't serve a BIG God!!! Not only did He answer our prayers for a miracle, He also cares enough for Jacob to ease his mind and allow him to fully enjoy this pregnancy!! What a precious reminder that our little girl is happy in heaven and wants us to be happy here on earth. I think Kinley is just as excited about this blessing as the rest of us!!

Just Enough Strength

As I near Kinley's 2nd birthday, I find myself right back in the middle of an entire storm of emotion. On Thursday, it will have been 2 years since I heard the words "we can't find a heartbeat". And on Saturday it will be two years since we first saw Kinley's sweet face. The full gravity of how different I am today than I was on those days can't even be explained by words. As a matter of fact, this year, I'm finding myself at a total loss for words. What words can I possibly say (or type) that will capture the full depth of my feelings? There are none!

And yet, I've found myself being constantly caught up in and encouraged by the music that I've been listening to. Sometimes a song will state my emotion better than I can even do it myself! Some time ago, I started listening to pretty much exclusively Christian music. I can't tell you what a HUGE decision that has turned out to be for me. The music you listen to may seem insignificant, but it's what you're putting into your heart! If you're a Christian, I highly recommend committing to only listen to Christian music, even if it's just for a specified amount of time. Try it for a week or a month, you'll be surprised how God uses it...

Sometimes I listen and even sing along, but don't really "hear" the words. Sometimes the words hit me as if God Himself were speaking them directly to me. Today, I heard this song and it so captured my thoughts...

I want all that's Yours

Joy unspeakable that won't go away

And just enough strength

To live for today

So I never have to worry

What tomorrow will bring

Cause my faith is on solid rock

And I am counting on God

How true those words felt today! I want that joy unspeakable! And to be honest, even through my darkest days, the joy of the Lord was there. "And just enough strength to live for today!" Thank you Jesus for enough strength to just get through the day. I don't have to worry about Thursday or Saturday because my faith is solid and I'm counting on God to be there. And He will, with just enough strength for that day!!

Father's Day

I tried to talk Jacob into writing this Father's Day post from his perspective, but I didn't give him enough time to process it. Maybe next year! For now, you get a Father's Day post taken from the perspective of the grieving Mommy.

Father's Day...another day to grieve. How sad is it that that's what it has become? We celebrate our Dads, we spend time with our families, we paste on smiles to get through the day, but underneath it all is a raw ache.

I hate that while other Daddy's are tucking their babies into bed for the night, laying their hand gently on their little tummies and saying their bedtime prayers, even shedding a few tears at realizing how blessed they are, my husband is laying his hand gently on the top of a headstone, saying a prayer over the gravesite of our daughter, shedding tears of pain and ache.

I hate that when the pastor asks all the Dad's to stand during service, my husband has to hesitate, think about it, and ultimately decide it's easier NOT to.

I hate it that I have to leave service in tears, stand outside for a few minutes to try to calm myself and pull it back together, and return to service hoping to just "make it through".

I hate it that we go to bed at night feeling completely exhausted. Not because we've played hard with our kids all day, but because we've spent the day trying desperately to hold in our true feelings. Last night, my muscles literally ached when I laid down in bed. I had done my best to hold it together for the day, but I was totally spent physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

I hate it that the entire day is filled with an overwhelming sense of guilt for me. Yes, guilt. I know that seems crazy, but the fact that Jacob doesn't have children is ultimately because of me. He's not the one with fertility issues, I am. I don't want to feel guilty, but on day's like Father's Day, I can't help but look at him and think "If it weren't for me, he'd have kids by now."

I hate it that each Father's Day I grasp desperately, trying to hold on to the thread of hope that maybe next year will be different. I especially hate it that many times the fear that next year will be exactly the same drowns out that hope.

I hate it that I'm sitting in front of this computer again, pouring out my heart, with tears running down my face. I hate it that many of you will read this blog post and know exactly how I feel!

I hate it that we live in a fallen world, where even holidays are often clouded by hurt. I know that we're not the only people hurting on Father's Day. There are many people who just had their first Father's Day without their Dad, many that have had too many without their Dad to even count, many children who don't have a Dad to celebrate, many Dads who don't get to celebrate with their kids.

So what is it exactly that I DON'T hate? ...

I love that I have the hope that one day Jacob will spend everyday celebrating being Kinley's Daddy. I love that for all of eternity our days will be overwhelming filled with joy and love and that no sin, no pain, no fear will cloud out that joy. I love that I have a relationship with Christ that gives me that hope!!

Please listen to the song that plays on my blog. My wonderful husband wrote the lyrics shortly after our sweet Kinley went to be with Jesus. My cousin and his good friend, Craig Meinhart, wrote the music and recorded the song for us. It's absolutely beautiful and means so much to us!! Let us know what you think!!!

Grow Up In Heaven

Lyrics by Jacob Crum

Music and Vocals by Craig Meinhart

Verse 1

This wasn’t our plan

You fit in my hand

I’m blessed to say

I saw an angel today

Verse 2

Your first steps will be on golden streets

Footprints left from still blackened feet

Forever won’t be that long

I wish I could sing you this song

Chorus

As you, grow up in Heaven

All your life’s been lived

All your purpose is done

I sacrifice the right to hold my little girl

Verse 3

I’m free falling into nothing

Reaching out for life’s shadow

Time would have shown who you’d be

And I’m left to guess how you’ll grow

Bridge

This temporary is shorter than it seems

So trade the lost memories for a chance to dream

Of a place celebrating a baby born asleep

Chorus

As you, grow up in Heaven

All your life’s been lived

All your purpose is done

I sacrifice the right to hold my little girl