Appointment Update

In case you missed the link on my facebook page, you can access my message from last Sunday at the Covington First Assembly website. Just click here to listen to the message and view the slideshow.

Also, thank you so much for your prayers this past week. My appointment this week went very well! I'm feeling better than I've felt in the past couple of months and Emersyn is growing and doing well!

I had hoped all along that I would be able to go with my family to Florida toward the end of March. There were times that I just figured that would be totally out of the question, but because God has answered ALL of our prayers for this pregnancy, I'm now fine to go on vacation!!! I'll fly out on a Tuesday with my sister and spend Tues-Sat in Orlando with my parents, sister, nieces, cousin Alyssa, and my brother and his girlfriend. Then on Saturday we'll all head over to the beach where we'll meet up with Jacob and his family as well as my Mom's extended family and spend a week there!

Today, I'm 29 weeks pregnant, the same day in pregnancy that Kinley was born. Every single day from now on is a day longer than I got to have with Kinley. Thank you Lord for the blessing of each and every day with her for years and years to come!!!!!

Kinley's Impact

I was blessed this past Sunday to be the guest speaker at my 'home church' in Covington. The theme was "Love Revealed" and I spoke about our testimony and how God's love was revealed to us in amazing ways, even in the midst of the most horrific circumstances. I feel truly blessed to be still getting opportunities to share Kinley's story. As a mom, I want nothing more than for her legacy to continue. It's such a a huge blessing to see that her little life is still making an impact on people and most importantly for the kingdom of God. I couldn't be a more proud mommy!!

Lots of people asked if I was nervous, and I really wasn't. To be honest, I was much more nervous writing the message then I was delivering it. In preparation for what to say, I just wanted to make sure I was in line with God's will for the message. Once the message was ready, delivering it really wasn't difficult or nerve wracking at all. I guess I don't have a fear of public speaking! :) Maybe I've found my true calling... ;)

On a completely different note, I'm missing my Kinley so badly today!!! This is such a hard time in the pregnancy for me. I was 28 weeks the day that I quit feeling Kinley move. I passed that milestone last Friday. Tomorrow, however, is the exact day of pregnancy that I went into the office and found out that Kinley was gone. To make matters worse, I have an appointment tomorrow!! AND, with Kinley, I went in to take the glucose test that day. I drank the orange drink, then went in for my appt. I never made it to the blood draw because the ultrasound revealed that there was no heartbeat. Tomorrow, I go in for my glucose test as well.

Although there is a level of fear there, just like there has been through the entire pregnancy, that's really not the hardest part of it for me. I really do believe with all my heart that this pregnancy and Emersyn are in God's hands. It's really much more difficult for me that it just brings back all the emotion of that time. I'm reliving those feelings and replaying those days in my mind. And in short, I just miss her so much! Even knowing the impact that she's had on people and the way that she's changed me for the better, I still just wish I had her here with me. No matter how much good comes from her life, I still would selfishly rather just be her mommy and get to hold her everyday!!

Please just be in prayer with me tomorrow that things go smoothly at the appointment and that I'm able to focus on the blessing that Emmy is and not be totally consumed by the hurt and fear!!

Update on Emersyn!

I can't even begin to describe how much love we have felt over the past week. I have been shocked to tears at the amount of support that so many of you have shown us!!! I truly believe that one of the (many) reasons for this new trial in our life was to show us the overwhelming amount of support that we have from family, friends, and complete strangers!

My appointment with the specialist was Tuesday afternoon. I really expected myself to be much more nervous than I was. The teachers at school prayed with me in the morning and little Emersyn kicked throughout the prayer! I felt totally at peace in those moments. I heard from so many friends who were praying and I could definitely feel that! Of course, by the time I got to the appointment, I was nearly shaking with nerves. I felt like my insides were quaking.

The ultrasound tech was super sweet and was a complete blessing to us. She explained why we were there, what they were looking for, and everything she saw on the ultrasound. She literally started at Emmy's toes and worked all the way up to the top of her head, measuring everything and checking every organ. The further she moved up her body, the more I began to feel at peace. Many of the signs of genetic disorders that I knew they were checking just weren't there. When she got to the bowels, she just didn't see the problem that they had seen at my OB office. Although slightly "bright", she said she doubted that the bowels could even be called"echogenic". I fully believe God healed her bowels before we got there. In addition, the spot on the heart, while still there, just didn't appear to be a problem. She examined every part of her heart and it was functioning perfectly!!! From head to toes, Emmy appeared to be perfect!

She left the room to get the doctor. When Dr. Sumners went over the ultrasound, he had the same opinion as the ultrasound tech. He said the bowels were "perfectly normal baby bowels"! And he watched her heart for a long time and said that he just couldn't call it a deformity or a problem. To him, it just looked like the muscle in her heart was echoing back a little. He said she had a structurally normal brain and that there would probably come a day when we would doubt that! :) They were also both very excited to get a really good shot of Emersyn's hand all spread open. The doctor explained that many times, babies who are born with birth defects can't open their hand fully. This was just God's extra little sign for us that she was perfect and whole!! Before leaving, he said there was no need to see a genetic counselor or to come back for a follow-up! Our prayers could not possibly have been answered any more fully!!!

I'm not sure why things happened like they did or why we had the scare with little Emmy, but I know that I already see ways that God has worked through it.

1 - They checked every inch of our little miracle's body and couldn't find any reason for concern. That sure eases a Momma's mind and makes it easier to enjoy the remainder of the pregnancy. Anyone who has had a pregnancy after loss understands how sweet that peace of mind can be. Even when I catch myself starting to worry a little, I stop myself and think "What can you possibly worry about? She's perfectly healthy and God is watching out for her!"

2 - We were shown a tremendous amount of love and support from hundreds of people. The total number of read from my last blog post was close to 2,000. That's just amazing! We were given a glimpse of just how blessed we are and how loved our little Emmy is already!!!

3 - Many more people read Kinley's story because of Emmy. So many people found my blog through other friends and then went back to read the rest of our journey and I can't help but think that part of this trial was for others to see how faithful God is by using Kinley's story once again!

4 - We faced another trial and our faith still stood firm. Each time that Satan tries to throw something in our path to trip us up, he fails! God has another victory!!

5 - I was told by people that had never really fasted and prayed for something before that they would be fasting with us. What an amazing way to lead people to the miracle worker!!!!

Thank you all so much for your prayers, comments, and messages!!!! We are abundantly blessed!!!!!!

Her sweet little open hand!

Little foot!

Emersyn Kate!

Misconception

When it comes to losing a child, there tends to be a misconception that once you become pregnant, you no longer hurt as deeply as you did before you got pregnant. I just want to clear up quickly, that the pain of losing Kinley is no less today than it was 10 weeks ago. The pain has changed many times over the past two years, and it's definitely different today than it was two years ago, but having another baby doesn't in any way take away that pain. Instead, like many other things have, it adds a new level to the hurt.

First, being pregnant again is a constant reminder of my pregnancy with Kinley. I'm reminded daily of every thought, dream, and hope I had for her. There were times before that being around pregnant women was just too much, I had to escape "pregnancy" to give my heart a break from the hurt that it reminded me of. Now, I have no escape. Pregnancy is scary for me, and it's hard to remind myself that it doesn't usually end in pain.

In addition to that, being pregnant again brings about an entirely new thing to mourn. Watching Brenna, and even Bristol, become aware of and get excited about my pregnancy is so much fun, but my mind can't help but wander to how Kinley would be reacting to this baby. Would she understand what was going on? Would she be excited? Would she be a jealous big sister? When that blessed day comes, I'll be overjoyed to welcome our new baby, but I also can't help but expect that there will be a hole in the joy. The pictures won't quite seem complete without the big sister there to share in the day.

Please don't think that I'm just being negative or that I'm any less excited about the baby because of losing Kinley. I'm still about to bust at the seams with joy and excitement. I will be the happiest new mommy you've ever seen! And I'm thanking God daily, even hourly for this blessing!!! I just don't want anyone to make the misassumption that getting pregnant has somehow "healed" me from my loss. A new baby can't bring a new level of healing, only a loving God can do that!

The Full Story!

Wow! Where to even start with this post?! First, our computer is back up and running and I plan on giving you all plenty of updates in the near future!!! Second, pardon any errors in this post, I'm writing at 4:00 in the morning. My "morning sickness" has turned into morning, noon, and night sickness, and I've been up all night with a very sick tummy! Also, if you haven't watched our video yet, you want to scroll down and watch it before reading on in this post!

If I had one word to sum up these last few weeks it would simply be "emotional". Pretty much every emotion you can think of, I've experienced in the past few weeks! I've been happy to the point of tears, sad to the point of tears, nervous to the point of tears, and joyous to the point of giggling! (Notice there are a lot of tears....thank you pregnancy hormones!)

So let me give you the rest of the story on finding out we were expecting. If you've been keeping up with my blog, you probably know that when we moved back to Indiana in early summer, we decided to give ourselves a few months off from seeing a fertility specialist. I just thought it was best to take a break financially and allow ourselves some time to get settled back in at home. We were looking for a house to buy and living in temporary housing and just seemed to have enough on our plates. Of course, to completely stop trying to get pregnant was completely out of the question!

I started seeing my regular OB here in Lafayette and asked him to put me on a different medication. It was a low-dose pill that works similar to Clomid. Right away, I seemed to respond better to the medication. By the way, I'm in no way crediting that to the medication itself, that was just purely God saying "It's time to get rolling here!" There is no medical reason why that pill would work better for me than anything else. Actually, my doctor and I were both shocked to see that I was producing 2-3 follicles on it when that's basically all I was getting with the high-dose injections!

In the first month of the medication, I miscarried. In the second month, I asked the doctor to check my progesterone level on day 21 AND day 24. Mine has always been great on day 21, which is the normal day for checking it, but I just had a hunch that something was happening with it. Dr. H said he fully expected it to be fine, but would check it to see. To his surprise, but not mine, my progesterone totally plummeted between days 21 and 24. That would explain my early miscarriages!

In month three, I took the medication and then also supplemented my cycle with progesterone. I also had an ultrasound to check my follicles and got a shot of HCG to force my body to ovulate on time. Because of that, I knew exactly when I could take a pregnancy test!

So on Thursday morning, September 8th, I woke up as Jacob was leaving for work and hurried in to take a test. I can't say I was shocked with the positive result, because I had been feeling different and was sort of expecting it. But, when you've been trying for so long, it's still hard to believe. I hurried to the garage to catch Jacob and showed him the test. We were cautiously excited, but because of my HCG shot I wanted to get blood work done ASAP!

On Thursday, my HCG level was 35. It was a positive pregnancy level, but still low and it was impossible to say if that was because it was so early (still 4 days before my period was even due!) or if it was left-over from the shot. On Saturday, my level had jumped up to 105 and confirmed that we were pregnant!!! A third level checked 4 days later had jumped even higher to 825!

We told our immediately family and my two closest friends on Saturday and decided to hold off until Kinley's birthday to share the news with the rest of our family and friends. Of course, a few of us slipped in the meantime and told some people!

Since then, we've had two ultrasounds and everything seems to be progressing well. We were able to see the slightest flicker of a heartbeat the day before Kinley's birthday, but couldn't hear the heartbeat yet. We're both anxiously awaiting that moment!!

We've all been a huge bundle of emotions over the past several weeks and I don't foresee that changing anytime soon! Although it's difficult not to analyze every little ache, pain, and twinge, God has really provided me with a sense of peace about this pregnancy. I appreciate your continued prayers for that peace and for our little miracle!!

(Oh, and stay tuned....I have a truly amazing story about how God used another man in our church to provide him with the reassurance that he needed at just the right time!!!)