Taking Another Step

Sorry it's been awhile since I've given an update on my own fertility "journey". I honestly have been struggling with a lot of depression and anxiety about it and I just didn't want to talk about it. For some reason, sometimes the fear of it never working and the hurt of nothing working up to this point just completely consume me. That happens to be much worse during the holidays.

Last month we decided that we would take the month off and begin to consider the possibility of doing an IVF cycle in the spring. However, when I called the doctor's office and spoke to the nurse she said that the doctor was "reasonably confident" that I would get pregnant with an IUI and would do one at 1/2 price. Being the bargain shopper that I am, I just couldn't pass up half-price! :)

I took Tamoxifen again for the second month in a row. The first month, I did not do well with the medicine...I felt awful, had headaches, felt nauseous, it was just bad! But the second month went much more smoothly. I felt a lot better and it really wasn't too difficult of a month. Because I had spent quite a bit of time in Indiana due to my Grandpa passing away and Jacob working out of the Lafayette plant for a week, I was a little nervous that we wouldn't be back in Tennessee in time for the IUI. Even in the midst of infertility, though, I've always had a very reliable cycle! I ALWAYS have a positive ovulation test on day 14 and ovulate on day 15. Well....wouldn't you know, I ovulated 2 days early! So, we missed the IUI because we were still in Indiana!

For those of you who don't know anything about endometriosis, one of the reasons that some doctors believe that an IUI is helpful in women with infertility caused by endometriosis is that endometriosis can cause an increased amount of "macrophages". Basically, macrophages attack foreign material in your body. The increased macrophages are due to the constant presence of disease in the uterus. Basically, your body is always on attack-mode. Unfortunately, that can mean that the macrophages also attack sperm. Basically, the IUI puts the sperm closer to where it needs to be! (Now I'm not a doctor, so please don't hold me to any of this or quote me as an expert!!!) Basically, the IUI is a good thing for us to have each month, but we missed out this past month!

So, today we saw the doctor again. There were a lot of factors to discuss and I won't bore you with everything, but here were the bullet points from the appointment....

- The doctor does NOT feel like I'm going to need an IVF to get pregnant, at least at this point. He's pretty confident that the surgery went well enough that our chances are looking up. Since the surgery, we've only had one IUI, so it makes sense to still be confident in the possibility of it working.

- My egg reserve test did show a low egg reserve, which is still a concern in the back of our minds. Basically it means that I won't "stimulate" (produce as many eggs) as other women my age, no matter what treatment we do. The bad news is that there is also some evidence that women with a low reserve also have lower quality eggs, which makes our chances of getting pregnant lower. If we need to go to an IVF cycle, we will probably have difficulty getting the number of follicles that most fertility patients get. It's likely that we would not have eggs to freeze and use at another time. So, the $15,000 would really be for ONE try!

- We decided that the best option for us at this point is to move on from the tamoxifen to the injectable medications. This time we'll be starting with a higher dose of medication from the beginning in hopes of getting more follicles (eggs). I'll also be adding another medication in addition to the HMG. I'll take injections of Lupron to prevent me from ovulating on my own. This will allow us to stimulate for longer without the fear of me ovulating before it's time. Using the injectables in this way will also give us a good idea of how I would stimulate for IVF if that becomes necessary.

Originally, we decided to sit out my next cycle and start the injectables toward the end of January. Although the cost of an injectable cycle with an IUI is much cheaper than IVF, it's still a big cost for us! Because of the dose of medicine I need, it can easily cost anywhere from $1,500-2,000. Unfortunately, we don't have that as "extra" in our budget! We knew we'd need the next four weeks to save up some to get ready for the cost. However, we have a wonderful couple in our lives who have said they will serve as our financial backers! They're willing to loan us the money in order for us to be able to go ahead with the injections as soon as possible! Thank you Jesus for our amazing family!!!! It's not fun to borrow money, but we're just very thankful for the opportunity to continue trying to start our family!

So....all that said, I should be ready to start injections by early next week. By Monday or Tuesday, Jacob will be back to injecting medicine in my back-side nightly, this time with an added injection in my belly as well! Yipee! :) Please pray for us over the next several weeks as we take yet another step forward in our "journey"! As our doctor said today "only God knows what will work and when"!

****Added Correction.....because of the timing and with Christmas and New Year's, it's going to work best for me to take a birth control pill for a week or so and begin the injections after the first of the year. Basically, we're hitting "pause" for about a week!

Finding Faith...

I wanted to share a blog post with you that really touched my heart. A friend of mine from college had a daughter that was stillborn just a few months after I had Kinley. We had both experienced infertility and both become pregnant only to lose our child. Katie recently gave birth to her second child, a son. Her newest blog post deals with facing Bristol's due date and Brody's birth. She's sharing from a perspective that I can't share from yet. Please take a minute to click over and read her blog entry, it's a beautiful glimpse into her emotions.

Finding Faith - Grand Prize

Childless During the Holidays

***Added Preface: I did not write this post because anyone has offended me personally. I'm not thinking of any particular circumstances and don't harbor any ill feelings toward anyone! Obviously, some people have said things to me in the past couple of years that have been hurtful, but I understand that they weren't trying to hurt me. People, in general, are just trying to relate to you and just looking for the right words to say. I wrote this post to give you some insight to how some particular comments might be taken, not as a jab at anyone for anything they've said or done in the past.***

I'm writing this post for the second time since it somehow got deleted by blogger last time! :(

This is a post I've been putting off for awhile. I feel like it's good information and could be useful for people, but I also know I'm treading on difficult waters. I'm always leery of giving advice on how to deal with women who are going through things like infertility and infant loss because every person deals so differently. I don't want it to sound like every person feels the same, is offended or hurt by the same things, or acts the same way. Every woman is different! Please keep that in mind while reading this!

The holidays are a fun-filled, busy, party-packed time! Ideally the holidays are joyful and jolly, but we know the reality is that the holidays can also be painful. When you're in the midst of infertility and your life is filled with month after month of "trying", the holidays are a reminder that you STILL don't have a baby in your arms. Every year you think, "maybe next year, I'll have a baby to bring to Christmas", and every year it hits hard when you don't.

I wanted to give a little advice for those of you who have women in your family or as close friends who may be experiencing the pain of infertility this Christmas. I don't want to sound harsh. I just want to be helpful. Here are some tips for handling holiday conversation...

1. Be cautious about complaining incessantly about your pregnancy or you child. Obviously we know that sometimes pregnancy is uncomfortable and that sometimes children can be difficult. There are times when your frustration is going to come out in conversation, that's natural. Be careful, though, of dominating conversation with your complaints. It's hurtful and it's hard to suppress the urge to say "I'd give anything to be nauseous or exhausted from pregnancy. I'd give anything to have an infant that won't sleep through the night. I'd give the world to have too many gifts from Santa to buy and not enough time to buy them." Just keep this in mind.

2. Don't tell us about your "feeling" about this month. What I mean is, when you've been trying to get pregnant for a long time, everyone and their mother has a "feeling" about whether or not this is the month for you. Everyone wants to chime in that they really feel like you're pregnant this month or that they feel like you'll definitely be pregnant in February, by Mother's Day, etc. I know that you're trying to give a little ray of hope, but it can be very difficult to navigate your own "feelings" without adding in everyone else's.

3. Which brings me to the next point....don't ask us how we're "feeling" about this month either. When we're pregnant and ready to tell you, we will be happy to fill you in. The holidays just aren't a great time to bring up whether or not we "feel" pregnant.

4. Don't say that you understand if you haven't experienced it. For some reason, people always want to say they understand how you feel. This can be very annoying if that person has never actually dealt with what you're dealing with. If you haven't experienced infertility, you probably don't fully understand. Familiarize yourself with the phrase "I can't even imagine". It's much more supportive and sensitive.

5. If you are in the club of women who have been there and really do understand, but now you have a baby of your own, don't be offended if we don't want to talk to you about it. This topic came up with one of my good friends recently. Although I know that the feelings of disappointment and hurt are probably still very real for you, some women feel like once you've had a baby, you're out of the "club". Some women have a hard time hearing advice from you because in the back of their mind they're thinking "yeah, well, you have a baby now and I still don't!" Personally, I've never felt this way. I actually see these women as hope for my future!

6. Be attentive and listen! Notice if your friend is quiet or withdrawn. Pay attention to the fact that she's 'just not herself'. Take a minute to let her know you notice. A quick hug will work wonders.

7. Be sensitive, but don't walk on egg shells. Don't stop talking about kids when we walk into the room. Just be empathetic and compassionate. A hug can go a long way...no words needed.

8. Finally, and most importantly, know the person!! Everyone is different. Some women are private and some are open and find talking about it therapeutic. If she keeps mentioning it, and you change the subject because it makes you uncomfortable, she probably needs someone to talk to. Allow yourself to be uncomfortable for a minute and let her talk! If you ask questions and her answers are brief and then she changes the subject, she doesn't want to talk. Let it go! If we start to get emotional and walk away, just give us some space for a minute. It will make the holidays much jollier!

I hope someone finds this helpful and no one finds it offensive. If you're a woman who is currently or has previously dealt with infertility, please feel free to comment and add your own suggestions. May God richly bless you this holiday season!

My 'Funny Papaw'

When I was little, I was blessed to have many grandparents and great-grandparents who were all a part of my life. All those grandmas and grandpas can get confusing though! When I was about two, my Mom told me that we were going to visit Papaw. Not sure which Papaw it was, I said, "You mean that Funny Papaw?" She figured out that I was referring to my Papaw Bowling. I have no idea why I called him funny, but the name stuck. From that day forward, he was Funny Papaw.

My Funny Papaw was indeed funny! He made us laugh often, sometimes because he was trying to, but many times when he wasn't trying to at all! Even in the last several weeks when he was so very sick, he brought a smile to my face each time I visited. On Sunday evening, four of his oldest grandkids stood around his hospital bed and remembered the time he fell into the Christmas tree when his chair tipped over. He denied that he remembered it happening, but I think he really did remember and didn't want to admit it! I also remember the time that he thought he was very funny calling me an 'old maid' because my younger sister was married and I wasn't. Of course, I didn't find him very funny that time, I was only 22!!

The other thing that stands out in my mind about Funny Papaw is that he always told me how pretty I am. I know that all grandpas think their granddaughters are pretty, and he probably said it to every one of his many granddaughters, but it still meant a lot to me. In the past four or five years, I never once saw him that he didn't say "You get prettier every time I see you!" He was funny, but he was also kind and loving.

Last Sunday when I visited him in the ICU at the hospital, he said it to me again. "You're so pretty, you get prettier every day." My heart melted and I joked with him that no one else ever says that to me. (By the way, someone should really take over the duty of maintaining my self-confidence!) I started to cry and he consoled me saying "Oh sweetie, God will get us through this." I told him I hated seeing him so sick and he said he knew that, but God had blessed us so much. Then I told him that I was a little jealous because he was probably going to get to heaven before me and get to hold my baby girl before I would. He said "I'll love on her, oh, I love her." He repeated it over and over, and I believe he meant it. I'm so glad I got those moments with him. Later that evening, he repeated in his sleep, "I've gotta find that baby, I've gotta find that baby." I know he meant Kinley. Over the next few days he became more confused and less alert. On Thursday afternoon, he passed into eternity surrounded by his wife, all of his sons, and many of his grandkids.

I had a vision as he was struggling for his last breaths of my sweet Kinley running through the fields of heaven saying "Hold on Grandpa, Jesus promised I could be at the gate when you get there....I'm coming!!" As he passed away, my cousin turned to me and said "He's holding your baby." What a precious thought that was to me. I could see her in that moment, blonde curls bouncing as she ran up and jumped into his arms. He was whole and healthy and smiling the biggest smile I've ever seen. As he swung Kinley around and laughed, she giggled and said "No wonder my Mama thought you were so funny!" He of course said to her, "You look like your Mommy, and you're so very pretty." Of course, I have no idea how it really happened, but I like to think something like this took place at heaven's gate.

I'll miss you so much my Funny Papaw. I love you and am so honored to be your granddaughter. I hope you know that you loved us well and you were very well loved!!

My Daddy and My Funny Papaw

Mamaw, Papaw, Funny Papaw, and Grandma Pat with Jacob and I on our wedding day