9 Week Pregnancy Update

I'm currently 9 weeks and a few days pregnant. Those few days are important because I'm counting down the weeks and days until I'm out of the first trimester! As a woman who wanted to be pregnant for so long and knows the pain of losing a child, it feels as though I should just have a smile permanently pasted on my face for the next 7 months. I shouldn't complain or grumble, I should just be happy to be pregnant. And I AM beyond happy, but on the other hand, I'm also very sick. I'm keeping very little in my system right now and I just feel yucky. Of course, I wouldn't trade it for the world, but it sure is tough on my body!!

I'm caught in a very strange cycle of feeling bad, complaining, feeling guilty for complaining, apologizing to whoever is near for complaining when I should just be happy to be pregnant, and then starting all over again. I know it's silly, but my brain seems to go there anyway!

One reason that I believe I'm more sick than my last pregnancy is something that I've not shared until this point. In our first ultrasound, we actually saw two gestational sacs. We were expecting twins. It was evident right away, however, that the second sac was smaller than the first. Eventually we saw a fetal pole, yolk sac, and then heartbeat in the first baby. The second sac, however, never really developed. We were told that it would likely just disappear or might miscarry, but that hasn't happened yet. At our last ultrasound, the sac was still there and attached to my uterus. I'm not sure if that has anything to do with my sickness, but I'm guessing that since the sac is still there and even seemed to be bigger this time, that it's still putting off hormones!!

On a happier note, the baby looks great! He/She is growing and developing on track. We heard a nice healthy heart beat at our last appointment. And I'm am nearly bursting with the anticipation of finding out if we're having a boy or a girl!! I don't understand how people could possibly be patient enough to wait the whole 9 months without finding out! That was never even a discussion in our home!! I'm ready to know so that the shopping can begin!

A Season of Waiting

It was one year ago in August that we were told that if we didn't do IVF within one year, we may not have children. Of course there were many ups and downs over that year and we were later told that IVF might not even work. Still, that urgency to at least try before this August was constantly nagging at me. There were multiple times that we were ready to move forward with IVF. We had at one point decided that February or March of 2011 was definitely the time we would try IVF. But that time came and we just didn't feel the release from God to go ahead with it. We prayed and we never felt like God was giving us the go ahead. Again in March we were told that we needed to do IVF quickly. The second opinion doctor was very clear "Don't mess around with rounds of clomid and don't WAIT!"

In addition, we had seriously considered adoption. In fact, we had even met with the adoption agency in Tennessee and gotten the paperwork to start the process. I was praying that if we were not to move forward with the adoption process at this time that God would just close the door. Just a couple weeks after meeting with the agency in Tennessee, we got the word that we were moving to Indiana. For me that was a door closed, at least for the time being.

But by this summer, I have to admit that I was in a bit of a panic under the surface. In July, I went to visit my Mom, aunt, and sister-in-law at kid's camp. On the way home, I was pleading with God about what our next step should be. I was ready to move ahead with something. I was specifically asking God to tell me if we should go ahead with IVF (like now) or if we should move ahead with adoption. I got a clear (almost audible) answer, but I didn't like it. God was clearly telling me to WAIT. My first instinct was to argue with Him about how long I had already waited and that the doctor's said I have a low ovarian reserve and waiting could mean not having biological children, but for some reason I was very much at peace with His answer. Against all advice and odds, waiting seemed to be the right answer.

And so we waited.... we waited because we didn't feel like God had released us to do anything else, we waited because that's what He asked us to do, we waited because we believe that God is so much bigger than the doctor's advice or my ovarian reserve!

And we didn't have to wait much longer....just a couple months later, we were pregnant! And to add the cherry on top, we got pregnant in August, the very month that the doctor's had told us one year earlier that we MUST do IVF by or we wouldn't have children.

Just a quick word of encouragement....

God does have a plan for your life. He sees you right where you are, and what's better, He sees where you WILL be. Sometimes we get answers from Him that we just don't understand, but no matter how you feel about where He's leading you, He's doing it for your own good. That's so hard to grasp and accept in the moment, but hold on to the fact that He does have a plan!!

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." Jeremiah 29:11-13

I also want to encourage you that if you're in a season of waiting or if you've been crying out to God for a specific request, find a verse to make your own. Memorize it and claim it. When we first started having fertility trouble, even before having Kinley, I claimed this verse...

"He makes the barren woman abide in the house as a joyful mother of children. Praise the Lord!" Psalm 113:9

I memorized it, I read it over and over again, I claimed it! I didn't know how He would do it or when He would do it, but I knew that He would!

Find a scripture that fits your personal circumstance and make it your own!

The Full Story!

Wow! Where to even start with this post?! First, our computer is back up and running and I plan on giving you all plenty of updates in the near future!!! Second, pardon any errors in this post, I'm writing at 4:00 in the morning. My "morning sickness" has turned into morning, noon, and night sickness, and I've been up all night with a very sick tummy! Also, if you haven't watched our video yet, you want to scroll down and watch it before reading on in this post!

If I had one word to sum up these last few weeks it would simply be "emotional". Pretty much every emotion you can think of, I've experienced in the past few weeks! I've been happy to the point of tears, sad to the point of tears, nervous to the point of tears, and joyous to the point of giggling! (Notice there are a lot of tears....thank you pregnancy hormones!)

So let me give you the rest of the story on finding out we were expecting. If you've been keeping up with my blog, you probably know that when we moved back to Indiana in early summer, we decided to give ourselves a few months off from seeing a fertility specialist. I just thought it was best to take a break financially and allow ourselves some time to get settled back in at home. We were looking for a house to buy and living in temporary housing and just seemed to have enough on our plates. Of course, to completely stop trying to get pregnant was completely out of the question!

I started seeing my regular OB here in Lafayette and asked him to put me on a different medication. It was a low-dose pill that works similar to Clomid. Right away, I seemed to respond better to the medication. By the way, I'm in no way crediting that to the medication itself, that was just purely God saying "It's time to get rolling here!" There is no medical reason why that pill would work better for me than anything else. Actually, my doctor and I were both shocked to see that I was producing 2-3 follicles on it when that's basically all I was getting with the high-dose injections!

In the first month of the medication, I miscarried. In the second month, I asked the doctor to check my progesterone level on day 21 AND day 24. Mine has always been great on day 21, which is the normal day for checking it, but I just had a hunch that something was happening with it. Dr. H said he fully expected it to be fine, but would check it to see. To his surprise, but not mine, my progesterone totally plummeted between days 21 and 24. That would explain my early miscarriages!

In month three, I took the medication and then also supplemented my cycle with progesterone. I also had an ultrasound to check my follicles and got a shot of HCG to force my body to ovulate on time. Because of that, I knew exactly when I could take a pregnancy test!

So on Thursday morning, September 8th, I woke up as Jacob was leaving for work and hurried in to take a test. I can't say I was shocked with the positive result, because I had been feeling different and was sort of expecting it. But, when you've been trying for so long, it's still hard to believe. I hurried to the garage to catch Jacob and showed him the test. We were cautiously excited, but because of my HCG shot I wanted to get blood work done ASAP!

On Thursday, my HCG level was 35. It was a positive pregnancy level, but still low and it was impossible to say if that was because it was so early (still 4 days before my period was even due!) or if it was left-over from the shot. On Saturday, my level had jumped up to 105 and confirmed that we were pregnant!!! A third level checked 4 days later had jumped even higher to 825!

We told our immediately family and my two closest friends on Saturday and decided to hold off until Kinley's birthday to share the news with the rest of our family and friends. Of course, a few of us slipped in the meantime and told some people!

Since then, we've had two ultrasounds and everything seems to be progressing well. We were able to see the slightest flicker of a heartbeat the day before Kinley's birthday, but couldn't hear the heartbeat yet. We're both anxiously awaiting that moment!!

We've all been a huge bundle of emotions over the past several weeks and I don't foresee that changing anytime soon! Although it's difficult not to analyze every little ache, pain, and twinge, God has really provided me with a sense of peace about this pregnancy. I appreciate your continued prayers for that peace and for our little miracle!!

(Oh, and stay tuned....I have a truly amazing story about how God used another man in our church to provide him with the reassurance that he needed at just the right time!!!)

We Are Crazy Busy!

WOW! Our life has certainly changed since a year ago! Let me update you a little...

Jacob and I are happily settled into our beautiful home! We couldn't be more pleased with the house we chose. And after just a few days it was completely unpacked and decorated (thanks to my Mom and Mother-In-Law).

I am WORKING! Yes, you read that right....I took a part-time job back at Tippecanoe Christian School. I'm teaching Pre-school 3. It's just two mornings a week, and I absolutely love it! But they sure are keeping me on my toes!!!

I am spending a TON of time with my beautiful nieces. They are such a huge joy to me. I get to have them often and wouldn't trade the time for anything in this world. I'm also home-schooling my sweet Brenna Claire for kindergarten. What a joy to get to take part in her learning. And we're anxiously awaiting the arrival of our first nephew in December. (Aunt Etty has already bought some super cute baby boy clothes!!!)

We are spending lots of time in ministries at the church, with our friends, and with our families. Jacob's helping coach soccer at his old high school. We rarely have an evening without something on the agenda....and we're loving it!!

I will admit, I have felt a little guilty and even disappointed about not having ALL of my time to pour into being a wife and house-keeper. After a full year of having every day to clean and cook, I am missing that just a bit. My house definitely isn't clean most days and I don't cook dinner on a regular basis either, but this is a new season for us.

We are thrilled to be plugged back in to our church and community. And we can definitely see why God gave us a season of rest while in Tennessee. Isn't it amazing how He knows just what we need and when we need it?!

On the fertility front...

I'm in my third month on the new medicine. The first month, unfortunately, ended in another miscarriage. Because of timing, I didn't have an ultrasound to check follicles. So, with the second cycle, I had an ultrasound on day 12 and had 2 follicles. That's pretty amazing considering that's about all I was getting on HIGH doses of injectable meds. For a "low-responder" to react so well to a low-dose medication is really a miracle.

Unfortunately, even with two follicles, I didn't get pregnant. However, because of some blood work the doctor was able to discover that I have a very rapidly decreasing progesterone level. (It basically completely bottoms out instead of slowly declining.) That's probably the reason for the miscarriages. Soooo, we're trying again and adding progesterone supplementation! Keep praying with us!!

I'm going to do better about blogging regularly now that we're settled....or at least I'm going to try!! So stay tuned!!!

A Rough Night

WARNING - I'm about to whine for a minute...

I'm just having a bad night. It happens from time to time. One disappointment or hurt leads to another and I just can't shake it.

I kind of had a "weird" cycle this month on the new medicine. I'll probably feel like sharing more later, but for now, I'll just say that it was disappointing. I was especially feeling down this morning and then a dear lady at church prayed an 'amazing, stop in your tracks, that was just what I needed' prayer over me. It gave me strength and peace through the rest of the day.

Then this evening, I felt that fear, disappointment, and raw hurt seeping back in. I'm not angry at God, I don't feel that He let me down, and I still feel like He's in control. But I am hurting.

Being upset about infertility naturally leads to me thinking "if only I had Kinley here". It wouldn't hurt so much not to be able to get pregnant again if I could sneak into her bedroom and watch her sleeping for a few minutes. It wouldn't be so hard if I could hear her say "I love you Mommy!" If I could just snuggle up on the couch with my little girl, that might just be enough to wash the pain of it away.

So tonight, I'm sad because after 3 years of trying, I still don't have a baby to hold. I'm sad that I don't have Kinley and I'm sad that I don't have any more children. I think it's okay to have a bad night from time to time. It's okay to feel some of that ache that's almost always knocking on my heart's door.

Please pray with me that tomorrow will bring a new joy, a new sense of hope, and a new peace.

Letting Go of the Fear

Around the time that Jacob and I started trying to get pregnant for Kinley, I stood in church one Sunday morning and was overwhelmed by fear. I was afraid that we would have trouble getting pregnant. Somewhere in my spirit, I guess I sensed the journey that lay ahead of us. I went to a woman in the church that I admire and trust and asked her to pray with me. Unfortunately, as much as I tried to rebuke this fear it held on to my spirit. I couldn't shake it. I prayed and prayed that God would take the fear from me, but it didn't budge.

Around Christmas time a fellow teacher whom I loved and admired gave me a Christmas gift. It was a small book that she had put together of scriptures dealing with infertility. It had a beautifully written and sweet card with it and as I opened the gift I immediately began to cry. From that night forward, I read and prayed those scriptures.

Praying His Word became part of my nightly routine. Soon the fear subsided and I began to trust the will of God. By March, I was pregnant with Kinley and tucked the book away for another season of my life.

Sometime after Kinley died I pulled the book back out and would occasionally read through the scriptures again. I even made similar books for a few of my friends and gave them to them as gifts. (By the way, they all now have babies!)

Now here's my shameful confession...I've rarely used the book in the past year. For some reason it's not a part of my nightly routine anymore. Looking back over the past year, I see how Satan has regained a foothold of fear in my life, and the sad thing is, I see how I allowed it!

As a matter of fact, in some strange way, I think I wanted to just sit in that fear for awhile. I was angry that just a short time later, I would have to pull that book out again. Isn't that silly? I felt so bad for myself that I actually wanted to just be miserable for awhile. It's only fair right? I mean look at how my life was playing out.

For some reason tonight, the scripture book came to mind. So, I've decided to stop feeling sorry for myself and to stop allowing fear to plague my life. I'm pulling my scriptures back out, and this time I'm going to share them with you too! Not all of them are specific to infertility, so hopefully you can all get some encouragement from them too.

This one is my very favorite, I recite it in my head often...

"He makes the barren women abide in the house as a joyful mother of children. Praise the Lord!" Psalm 113:9

"And everything you ask in prayer believing, you shall receive." Matthew 21:22

"Delight yourself in the Lord; and He will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord, trust also in Him, and He will do it." Psalm 37:4-5

"Do not fear, for I am with you. Do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, surely I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10

New House and New Medicine

I'm finally sitting down and finding time to write a blog....unfortunately, it's because I'm not feeling well tonight! I have no idea what happened, but I was fine all day and then tonight I got very nauseous and am running a low-grade fever. Blah! I honestly think all the craziness of the past couple months is just catching up with me.

I hadn't said much about our house finding process, but am so excited that we did find a house that we love! We'll be closing on it at the end of the month and moving in during the first week of August! It's the perfect little house for us.

It's 3 bedroom and 2 bath and has all of the things we had talked about wanting in a home. We were blessed to find it after it had only been on the market for a few days and were even more blessed by the fact that the people were motivated sellers and we got a great deal! My absolute favorite part of the house is the big fenced-in backyard! I'm envisioning many get-togethers with friends and family, many afternoons of playing with my nieces, and even seeing my own babies play in that yard.

Which bring me to the next thing on my mind tonight...

As I mentioned a while back, I'm taking a "low-dose" fertility med right now and we're trying to get pregnant "on our own". To be honest, the last few months haven't been promising at all. Even though doctor's have told me that it would be difficult for me to conceive, I still have a hard time wrapping my mind around it and it still crushes me when things don't go well. I had a few months of strange and even non-existent cycles. I saw my regular OB here in Indiana and asked about a different medicine that I hadn't taken before. We decided that we might as well give it a try! So I'm now on something new. I had a progesterone level done that revealed that I did actually ovulate this month, so that's a good sign. I know it's a long-shot, but I'm really hoping that this is the medicine that will work for me.

Basically, I guess what I'm saying is that we're not doing any major treatments, but I'm still praying and believing for a miracle. Are you still believing and praying with us?! Please add it to your prayer list. We know that what we need is a complete intervention by God. We'll give Him all the glory when our prayers are answered!!!

A New Phase of Grief

I've been thinking a lot lately about the seasons of my grief and how I've mourned different things at different times since Kinley died. I recently heard about another grieving Mommy who's little boy would be 5 this year. It's been a really hard year for her. For some reason, 5 seems different. He'd be getting ready to go to school, he'd be playing t-ball, he'd be a big brother, he'd be learning to ride a bike, he'd be doing all the things that 5-yr old boys do. The grieving seems to never end, it changes, it gets easier, but it never ends!

At first, I really mourned not being pregnant. When I delivered Kinley I was 29 weeks pregnant, so I felt like I should still be pregnant for the next 11 weeks. I really grieved the fact that I wasn't. It was difficult to see pregnant women, I found myself reaching down to touch my belly, and I sometimes even felt "phantom" movement as if I was still pregnant.

As my due date rolled around and approached I really grieved not having my baby (of course I have been grieving that the whole time!) But this was a grief specific to giving birth and having a brand new baby. It hurt so deeply to see tiny little newborns dressed in their Christmas dresses, to attend baby dedications, to hear a baby cry.

A new stage of mourning came when all of the babies who were due around the same time as Kinley started walking. That may sound strange, but it really hit me hard to see them toddling around and think "my baby would be walking". She would have been entering the toddler stage, trying to talk, learning to walk, changing, and growing.

I've recently been feeling a much different sense of loss. Several of the mommies that had babies around when I had Kinley have now had other babies. Their babies are the big sisters or big brothers now. I see them interacting with their new siblings and I can't help but feel an aching in my heart. Not only am I mourning the fact that I'll never get to see Kinley be the "big sis", I'm also mourning the fact that I'm still not even pregnant with the little sibling.

It's so hard not to question God, not to wonder what it is that He's doing in my life, not to give in to feeling defeated and hopeless. It's hard not to feel sorry for myself. It's hard not to give in to the urge to crumble into a ball on the floor and cry. (Yes, I still feel like doing that sometimes!)

It's times like tonight that I cling to the Word of God. I put my hope in His promises, and I cry myself to sleep knowing that He has promised good to me!

He's working ALL things for my good, even the grief...

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28

He's comforting me and using me to comfort others...

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God." 2 Corinthians 1:3-4

He's still my HOPE...

"Against all hope, Abraham, in hope, believed and so became the father of many nations, just as it had been said to him, 'So shall your offspring be.'" ... "Yet he did not waver through unbelief regarding the promise of God, but was strengthened in his faith and gave glory to God, being fully persuaded that God had power to do what he had promised." Romans 4:18,20

In hope, I wait upon Him...

"I wait for the Lord, my whole being waits, and in his word I put my hope." Psalm 130:5

Father's Day

I tried to talk Jacob into writing this Father's Day post from his perspective, but I didn't give him enough time to process it. Maybe next year! For now, you get a Father's Day post taken from the perspective of the grieving Mommy.

Father's Day...another day to grieve. How sad is it that that's what it has become? We celebrate our Dads, we spend time with our families, we paste on smiles to get through the day, but underneath it all is a raw ache.

I hate that while other Daddy's are tucking their babies into bed for the night, laying their hand gently on their little tummies and saying their bedtime prayers, even shedding a few tears at realizing how blessed they are, my husband is laying his hand gently on the top of a headstone, saying a prayer over the gravesite of our daughter, shedding tears of pain and ache.

I hate that when the pastor asks all the Dad's to stand during service, my husband has to hesitate, think about it, and ultimately decide it's easier NOT to.

I hate it that I have to leave service in tears, stand outside for a few minutes to try to calm myself and pull it back together, and return to service hoping to just "make it through".

I hate it that we go to bed at night feeling completely exhausted. Not because we've played hard with our kids all day, but because we've spent the day trying desperately to hold in our true feelings. Last night, my muscles literally ached when I laid down in bed. I had done my best to hold it together for the day, but I was totally spent physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

I hate it that the entire day is filled with an overwhelming sense of guilt for me. Yes, guilt. I know that seems crazy, but the fact that Jacob doesn't have children is ultimately because of me. He's not the one with fertility issues, I am. I don't want to feel guilty, but on day's like Father's Day, I can't help but look at him and think "If it weren't for me, he'd have kids by now."

I hate it that each Father's Day I grasp desperately, trying to hold on to the thread of hope that maybe next year will be different. I especially hate it that many times the fear that next year will be exactly the same drowns out that hope.

I hate it that I'm sitting in front of this computer again, pouring out my heart, with tears running down my face. I hate it that many of you will read this blog post and know exactly how I feel!

I hate it that we live in a fallen world, where even holidays are often clouded by hurt. I know that we're not the only people hurting on Father's Day. There are many people who just had their first Father's Day without their Dad, many that have had too many without their Dad to even count, many children who don't have a Dad to celebrate, many Dads who don't get to celebrate with their kids.

So what is it exactly that I DON'T hate? ...

I love that I have the hope that one day Jacob will spend everyday celebrating being Kinley's Daddy. I love that for all of eternity our days will be overwhelming filled with joy and love and that no sin, no pain, no fear will cloud out that joy. I love that I have a relationship with Christ that gives me that hope!!

Mother's Day Post...A few days late!

This is the note that I posted last year on Mother's Day. I'm not sure why I felt led to it today and feel led to share it with you, but I do. I'm sure many of you have already read it, but maybe someone hasn't come across it yet. I also know that since Mother's Day has passed it's a little outdated, but the message is still the same....

I’m the kind of Mommy who always knew I wanted to be a Mommy. The kind of little girl who played “house” from the time I was tiny. I mothered every baby that came into my path. From the moment my sweet baby sister and brother were born, I wanted to mother them. Every new cousin that came into the world was a pure joy for me. I wanted to hold them, change them, and feed them. Some people took friends with them to ball games or the park, not me, I found a little kid that I could take. I drug Jessica, Seth, and Karly to countless ball games at the school. I just loved to take care of them and mother them.


I’m the kind of Mommy who desperately wanted a baby. Jacob and I started trying to get pregnant before we had even been married a year. I know that some people thought that it was too soon, but we knew we wanted to be parents. As the months passed and countless pregnancy tests came up negative, I grew increasingly anxious and afraid. Would God really give me this deep desire to be a Mommy and then not ever allow me to actually be one? That couldn’t be the plan that He had for me. After months of trying and 4 rounds of Clomid, I finally saw that double pink line! I was a Mommy!!


I’m the kind of Mommy that was a Mommy the moment I saw that positive test. I embraced pregnancy to the fullest! I loved it! I dove head first into falling in love with my baby. I talked about her constantly, I shopped for her, and I imagined what she would be. On my first Mother’s Day as a pregnant woman I stood proudly when the pastor asked all of the mom’s to stand. I WAS a mother!


I’m the kind of Mommy who labored and pushed knowing that my daughter would not be born breathing. I knew I would not hear that coveted first cry. I wouldn’t beam as I introduced a wiggling newborn to her grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins. I did, however, cradle her lifeless body in my arms with the love that only a mother knows. I stroked her black curly hair, examined her ten perfect fingers and toes, changed her dresses and hats, and lovingly swaddled her in blankets. I smiled for pictures with her although my heart was broken. I passed her to family and friends and shared her with those I love most. I slept with her in my arms, I prayed over her with my husband, and then I placed her in her basket and let her go. I left the hospital without her, I planned a burial and memorial service, and I stood to tell those gathered in the church of the mark that she had left on the world.


I’m the kind of Mommy who hurts daily so that my baby never has to know pain. Every time my heart feels like it will burst from the pain, I remember that she will never know a pain like this. She’ll never fall and skin her knee, she’ll never get her heart broken, and she’ll never hurt, as I am hurting.


I’m the kind of Mommy who is proud of my little girl. I know she only had a brief time on earth, but she accomplished the purpose that God had for her. The night of her memorial service, a family member shared with me that she had given her heart to Christ. As she stood there, tears running down her face, she explained that it had struck her that Kinley walked into Heaven familiar with the praises of God, familiar with Him, because Jacob and I had carried her, while still in my womb, to church week after week. She shared that if something should happen to her little girls, they would enter a Heaven that was unknown. Because of Kinley’s brief life, she will spend eternity with her little girls! I know that Kinley’s life and death have touched and changed countless other people, and for that, I am proud!


I’m the kind of Mommy who most of the world doesn’t even notice as a Mom at all. I have no outward signs of being a mom. I don’t push my baby around the mall in her stroller, I don’t carry her infant seat into church, I don’t take her to the park, or take her out for walks. I don’t shop in the baby sections, I don’t buy diapers, and I don’t buy formula. To most of the world, I’m not a Mommy at all. But in my heart, I truly am! I know that whether God chooses to bless us with more children or not, I am and will always be McKinley’s Mommy.


A year can make such a difference in a person’s life. Last year at this time, I was a beaming pregnant woman, waiting for my blessing to arrive. One year later, I’m a hurting Mommy, longing to rock my baby just one more time. This year, there are women everywhere who are celebrating Mother’s Day. Some are first time Mommy’s, some are spending their day with children, grandchildren, and even great-grandchildren, and all are celebrating the blessings that God has given them. However, stop to think for a minute that there are also many women hurting on Mother’s Day. Their babies have passed away, they’ve been struggling with infertility, or last year they were celebrating with their mom and this year she’s gone. A year can make such a big difference in YOUR life….don’t let another day pass without taking time to enjoy your children, to thank your mom, and to make amends in strained relationships.

I'm Back!

I'm going to try to cram a lot of information into this one post and attempt not to make it too long! I feel like our life has been a complete whirlwind the past month or so and I just haven't been able to keep up with the blogging as our life takes on a whole new direction. So here's the breakdown of April and May...

Fertility -

I saw a "second-opinion" doctor and it went fairly well. I had a test done and am still waiting for the official results of the test, but I'll keep you posted. This doctor seemed to have a lot of the same opinions of the other doctor, but put it all in a much more positive light. I'll be taking Clomid for the next 5-6 months in hopes that what worked before, will work again. It's been difficult for me to balance being hopeful and being realistic, but I'm feeling pretty good about the direction we're going.

Adoption -

We met with two adoption agencies and we had begun the process of deciding which agency to go with and whether we would like to pursue a traditional infant adoption or an embryo adoption. I have an appointment this week to discuss whether embryo adoption is a good fit for us. However, that's all been put on hold because....

Moving!

We're moving!! A couple of weeks ago, Jacob received word that a job was opening up in Lafayette and he was given the option of taking that job. We were shocked at the timing and couldn't believe that our move "home" had come so quickly! We spent last week in Lafayette for Jacob to train on his new job and for us to do some house hunting. Jacob is scheduled to have his last day here on May 20th, then we'll be heading home!! I'll post more about the upcoming move soon.

Mother's Day

I can't let Mother's Day pass by without commenting on it. Yesterday was a tough day for me. It's just not fun to spend a whole day thinking about the fact that I'm a mother that hasn't been allowed to do any mothering. Mother's Day is the one day of the year that the pain of not having Kinley here collides with the pain of infertility and the questioning of whether Mother's Day will ever be a celebratory day for me. It's not fair to not have your baby on Mother's Day, it's not fair to feel yourself hesitate about whether or not to stand up when all the mommy's in church are asked to stand, it's not fair for your husband to be stressed and worried about what to get you because he's walking a fine line between letting the day go unnoticed and trying not to bring about another emotional storm. It's just not fair!

Having said that, I did have my moments of complete breakdown, I cried, I got mad, I felt that deep pain stabbing in my chest. I also felt very loved, completely supported, and utterly blessed....yes, blessed! Blessed to have family and friends that love me enough to remember that the day is hard for me, blessed to have a mom and mother-in-law who are perfect examples for me, and blessed to have a relationship and friendship with God that can carry me through days such as this.

Answers To Some Of Your Questions

Hello Everyone!!! I feel like I've been MIA for awhile!

I know it's been a couple of weeks since I posted, and I'm sorry to be keeping you all in the dark. I feel like I left things on a negative note. I've been taking a bit of a break from writing to internalize what all is going on and to consider all of the options that Jacob and I have.

I wanted to take just a couple of minutes to answer a couple of questions that I've heard since the last post and to give you an idea of where I am and where I plan on going from here.

Many people asked if we had considered using a surrogate. In our situation, a surrogate is not really the best option for us. My specific problem is not with carrying a child, it's with making enough eggs to become pregnant. We would be much more likely to be successful with an egg donor (using someone else's eggs and having me carry the baby) than we would with a surrogate (using our fertilized embryo and having someone else carry it). There are options available to us in the fertility realm, but we're not really ready to commit to any one of them at this time.

Second, many people have used terms like "you're still young" and "you have time". Without sounding harsh, let me just say that it is in no way comforting to hear that when you're going through fertility treatments. I know that it seems like you're giving hope, but when you don't know a person's specific situation, I would be careful about using those terms. So, in answer to the question "what's the rush?".... I was given a diagnosis of "low ovarian reserve", basically although my body is 28, my egg supply is low. Unfortunately for us, I probably don't have the years and years to try that I should have. Our chances of conceiving are declining at a rate that is quicker than that of most couples our age. Having said that, I also know that God is WAY bigger than that diagnosis. However, I think you all understand why there's a sense of urgency.

As far as our next step with fertility treatment goes, I will be getting a second opinion. I've scheduled an appointment with another fertility specialist here in Knoxville and will keep you all updated on how that appointment goes.

We are also open to pursuing adoption. I have been given a great deal of information from a friend we met at church here in Knoxville. She's a GREAT resource for us to have and we feel like it's really a "God-thing" that I was put in contact with her. We have other friends who have used other agencies and are aware of the MANY options available. We'll be praying about it and proceeding as God directs us.

Finally, I know that I sounded hopeless in the last post. I appreciate all of your concern and prayer. I'm not hopeless, I do believe that God has a family for us. However, there is a grieving process that goes along with realizing that your journey to parenthood may not look how like you imagined it would. That doesn't necessarily mean that I don't believe we'll have our own biological children, just that the journey doesn't look how I imagined. I'm in the midst of that grieving process still. I was very angry, hurt, and even bitter, at first. I needed to feel those emotions and work through them in order to move on to what God has for us next. I'm still hurting and I still have moments of anger, but I do know that I WILL be a mommy again.

Thanks again for your comments, prayer, support, and love!!!!! We have both felt very loved and supported through this entire process!!

Next Step?

Yesterday was a tough day.

We had already learned over the weekend that our recent IUI had failed. I was scheduled for another doctor's appointment on Monday morning. I went in, fully expecting the same routine... do an ultrasound and some blood work, talk to the doctor, hear that we should try another IUI. In the back of my mind I considered that maybe the doctor would be leery of another IUI and would suggest we move ahead to IVF. Jacob and I had discussed that possibility and were prepared to make the decision to move forward if it was necessary.

I was not shocked when the doctor said that he didn't feel that an IUI would be wise for us to try again. He had given me as high of a dose of medicine as he would ever give me for as long of time as possible and he didn't feel that the results were good enough to merit spending that kind of time and money again. Even with these high doses and the added Lupron, I just did not respond well to the medicine. (Basically there were still too few "good" follicles.)

However, I was caught completely off guard by what he said next. He said that because he would use the exact same medicine regimen for IVF, he also didn't feel like IVF would be a wise choice for us. For those who haven't been through infertility, basically IVF was what we held up in the back of our minds as our last option....if all else fails, IVF will give us the best shot. Most women have a 50-60% chance of IVF being successful. To my shock, the doctor said that he would give me only about a 20% chance of success with IVF. He said while it would be my "best shot", it would be a lot of money to spend for something that he didn't really feel would be successful.

He suggested that we do one of two things....

1) Decide to try the IVF if we really feel that we want to do everything we can to give it our best shot at success. He reminded me though, that this would be a lot of money for a low chance at success.

2) Go back on to the low dose of Tamoxifen that I had taken before. He said I could try this "month after month and hope that one day we get lucky and it works". He said my chances would be about 5-10% each month.

I was in shock. I had just heard that there was a low chance of me ever becoming pregnant again. Impossible....no, unlikely....yes. I felt very much as though the doctor was "throwing in the towel".

I spent yesterday hurt, sad, depressed even. I felt like I'd just taken the second worse blow in my life. Would I really never be a mother again? I was angry (more to come on this later.) I was confused. I was beaten down. I was questioning. I was lost. I didn't know where we would possibly go from here.

Today I'm still very sad. I'm still confused and I still have no idea what is next for us. I'm also still very scared. As usually happens though, the more rational Erica woke up this morning. Today I'm ready to consider our options and to make decisions. Obviously all the emotions I was feeling yesterday are still there, but I can see through them better today.

In short, Jacob and I desperately need your prayers. We have major life decisions to make. In order to have our own biological children.....we NEED a miracle! We simply won't have another baby without a miracle from God. I also need you to pray that through this process we won't become bitter towards God.

(By the way, sometimes I absolutely do feel angry at God. I know that there are people who don't agree with that, but anger is an emotion that arises. I know that God is good, I know that he is not the author of evil. My rational self knows this, but I am human. I get angry with God and I believe whole-heartedly that He understands how and why I feel that anger more than any person on earth can. I don't, however, want to let that anger turn into bitterness or linger for too long.)

Jacob and I feel certain that God would not have placed this STRONG desire for children into our hearts unless He fully intended for us to have children. We're not certain what that family will look like, when it will come, or how we will get there. We have not give up hope, but we do need direction!

Please pray with us as we consider the following...

-Should we get a second opinion?

-Should we do the IVF knowing that our chances are lower than most couples? There is a large part of us that feels like we have to give it our "best shot"!

-If we do decide to go forward with IVF, where will the funding come from? Are we willing to put ourselves into debt for this?

-Is adoption our best option at this point? If so, where do we start? What do we do? Where will the funding come from?

-Are there other options that we need to consider? (egg or embryo donation?)

Thank you again for taking this journey with us!! I know that so many of you are praying for us!!!!

Anger

Warning this is another of my very raw, very real posts!

Today we found out that our most recent fertility attempt failed. I have been doing better each month at handling that news, but this one was tough.

I started the month off praying, not that the IUI would work, but that if this was God's timing everything would go well. I also prayed, that if not, God would not allow the cycle to be "smooth". I just asked Him to give me some clues that it's not time yet....a bad blood test, not many follicles, a difficult IUI, just something to clue me in.

The entire cycle went perfectly. Everything went great and looked great right up until today. I had almost allowed myself to believe that it had actually worked and I was pregnant. Then all hope was shattered again.

I was upset, I was frustrated, I was disappointed, I was angry! I cried, I prayed, I cried, I stared at the wall blankly, I cried. After a couple hours, I decided I needed to get up and do something, so I put on my worship music and started cleaning the house. As I cleared off the coffee table I, of course, came across a Parenting magazine that had come in the mail the day before. (I have NO idea why I'm still getting them anyway!)

I snapped! I got very angry...angry to the point that I literally threw the magazine across my living room and into the kitchen. It hit my refrigerator and knocked all the papers off, and I screamed. It wasn't a scared scream, it was a loud angry scream!! And then I collapsed into a heap on my floor and sobbed.

I was and still am angry at God. I'm angry that Kinley is gone. I'm angry that I can't get pregnant. I'm angry that I'm 6 1/2 hours away from most of the people who love me. But most of all, I'm angry that God allowed everything this month to go well and then didn't allow me to become pregnant. I don't understand what His purpose was for that. I may never understand.

I know that lots of time people comment on how "strong" I am, but I assure you, I'm very human!!! The truth is, I'm on the edge of losing it! I'm exhausted physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

Luckily, my angry tantrum with God today will pass. It's much like when I get angry with my husband. I may spout off in my anger, but when it's over, I know and he knows that I still love him. I'm not giving up, I'm not giving in, I'm just getting my anger out. I can't guarantee that tomorrow will be any better than today, but I know God's not done yet!!

Just a quick update because I'm in Indiana and have much more important things to do...like spending time with my beautiful nieces, having lunch with friends, and visiting with family!

After 41 needle sticks in 11 days....yes 41, I'm finally done and had two IUI's. I'm feeling pretty good and just in the "waiting" period.

We were very pleased with the results of the stimulation this time around. I ended up with 6 good follicles and they were certain that three would release. The other three were measurable and held a possibility of releasing, but they couldn't be sure. That's so much better than I've done in the past, so I was very excited!

Please keep praying that everything goes according to God's will!

Also, on a complete different note....tomorrow marks 7 months since my very first blog post and we just recently passed the mark of 10,000 views!! I'm so glad so many of you are taking time to read my blog! Thank you very very much for reading, for commenting, for praying, and for coming on this journey with me!!

Medication Update

So today I did a little bit of venting/whining to some of my family and friends. For some reason my injection sites are really sore this time around. My muscles are aching like I just ran a marathon (okay, I may be exaggerating a little since I've never run a marathon and can imagine that would probably be worse!) But, the point is I'm hurting and it's not fun. On top of that, I'm having terrible headaches. I'm assuming it's from the Lupron shot which I take in the morning because I wake up fine, but by noon it starts to hurt and gets steadily worse all day.

So I complained a little via text message and phone call to some understanding friends and family! (Sometimes a girl just needs to vent!) I felt guilty when I did it because #1) Some of them have done IVF which I know is worse than this! and #2) I would really do anything to have a baby and I did choose to do this!

So, about the time I stopped complaining my phone rang and it was my nurse with my blood test results. My levels went up, but not as much as they had hoped. She explained that they weren't concerned yet and figured I was just slow to get rolling. (This has happened to me every time!) But because we had decided to be more aggressive this time, the blood test meant a change in my medication. I'll now do two injections of the Lupron daily (one in the morning and one at night) and two injections of the HMG everyday (one in the morning and one at night).

That will teach me to complain about 2 shots a day... now I get to do 4!!!

I'm most concerned that the Lupron-induced headaches will be really bad now that I have to take two of them and that the added medication is going to quickly cost us much more money than we had planned. Please pray with us that the medication will start to work quickly and that the side-effects will decrease! Thanks so much!!

God Is In Control

My biggest struggle as a married Christian woman has been the need I have to be in control. It's my biggest struggle in marriage and it's my biggest struggle in my Christian walk. There are positives to being a controlling, organized person, but for the most part, it's my biggest downfall. I have a very hard time trusting someone else to be in control. It comes out often in my married life, and although I'm trying hard to let Jacob be the head of the household, I know I still need a lot of work!

More importantly, it's a recurring obstacle in my relationship with God. Who am I to question God's authority and His purpose for my life?? Yet, still I do! God has stretched me in this a great deal over the last couple of years. Through my pregnancy with Kinley, I did a pretty good job of giving up control. I did what I could to have a healthy pregnancy, but ultimately I knew her life was in God's hands. Walking through losing her, I had little control over much of anything!

In infertility, I've tried desperately to trust God. There's not much that I can control about it, but I must admit that I do like those aspects of it that are controllable and predictable. Although ultimately I have no control over what works and what doesn't, I do like the predictability of knowing some things as absolute. Even through all of the infertility, my cycle has been predictable and reliable. I don't control it necessarily, but I know what to expect. I take a medicine, I have a positive ovulation test on day 14, I ovulate on day 15, I know my exact PMS symptoms, I start my period on day 28. I know everything there is to know about every step of the way. If I can't control it, I can at least be very knowledgeable and informed.

Isn't it fun how God likes to stir things up?! This month, he took complete control of my cycle and shook things up a bit....just to remind me that He's still in control! He's bigger than temperature charts, positive ovulation tests, follicle sizes, periods, and all other aspects of fertility. In the end, He's in control, not me, not the medicine, not the doctor, just Him! So, this is what He had designed for this month....

I was in Indiana because my Grandpa passed away, and as I mentioned before, I had a positive ovulation test on day 12 (not 14 as planned!) which means that I missed my IUI for this month.

I saw the doctor and we made a "plan" for once I started my period. I was to take birth control for about a week and then begin my injectable medications. However, I never started my period. I took a couple pregnancy tests and they were negative. I didn't feel pregnant, and I didn't feel like I was going to start my period. BUT, I know my fertility facts and I know that if you ovulate, you have to have a period. And I know that the number of days between when you ovulate and when you start your period is pretty consistent.

So today, I went back to the doctor. I fully expected them to say that I must not have really ovulated and done a pregnancy test just to be sure. I figured my blood work would come back that I was probably about to start my period and we would go from there.

Oh how I love when God has little surprises in store! The doctor was pretty surprised as well and said he'd do some blood work and try to see what was going on. I likely either ovulated and the egg was "absorbed" by my tubes (apparently this happens occasionally) or didn't ovulate (although he felt pretty strongly that I did based on the size of the follicle and the positive ovulation test). Finally, he said he was really feeling like maybe we should do an ultrasound to see what was going on.

The ultrasound revealed even more surprising news! My uterine lining looked great, just like it should right before I ovulate except that I shouldn't be just about to ovulate! In addition, I had two large follicles! One on each side! I had no medicine and no period, but I have two great follicles that are ready to ovulate any time. The doctor said I had "defied all odds" this month. They really have no idea what happened, but the blood work confirmed that I was ready to ovulate. I basically skipped over the two weeks of my cycle where I have a period and take medicine. We had planned to start injectable medicines, but that's obviously not necessary! We're hoping to have an IUI in the next few days and we're excited to see what God has in store for the next few months!

Thank you God for reminding me that YOU and only YOU are in control!

Taking Another Step

Sorry it's been awhile since I've given an update on my own fertility "journey". I honestly have been struggling with a lot of depression and anxiety about it and I just didn't want to talk about it. For some reason, sometimes the fear of it never working and the hurt of nothing working up to this point just completely consume me. That happens to be much worse during the holidays.

Last month we decided that we would take the month off and begin to consider the possibility of doing an IVF cycle in the spring. However, when I called the doctor's office and spoke to the nurse she said that the doctor was "reasonably confident" that I would get pregnant with an IUI and would do one at 1/2 price. Being the bargain shopper that I am, I just couldn't pass up half-price! :)

I took Tamoxifen again for the second month in a row. The first month, I did not do well with the medicine...I felt awful, had headaches, felt nauseous, it was just bad! But the second month went much more smoothly. I felt a lot better and it really wasn't too difficult of a month. Because I had spent quite a bit of time in Indiana due to my Grandpa passing away and Jacob working out of the Lafayette plant for a week, I was a little nervous that we wouldn't be back in Tennessee in time for the IUI. Even in the midst of infertility, though, I've always had a very reliable cycle! I ALWAYS have a positive ovulation test on day 14 and ovulate on day 15. Well....wouldn't you know, I ovulated 2 days early! So, we missed the IUI because we were still in Indiana!

For those of you who don't know anything about endometriosis, one of the reasons that some doctors believe that an IUI is helpful in women with infertility caused by endometriosis is that endometriosis can cause an increased amount of "macrophages". Basically, macrophages attack foreign material in your body. The increased macrophages are due to the constant presence of disease in the uterus. Basically, your body is always on attack-mode. Unfortunately, that can mean that the macrophages also attack sperm. Basically, the IUI puts the sperm closer to where it needs to be! (Now I'm not a doctor, so please don't hold me to any of this or quote me as an expert!!!) Basically, the IUI is a good thing for us to have each month, but we missed out this past month!

So, today we saw the doctor again. There were a lot of factors to discuss and I won't bore you with everything, but here were the bullet points from the appointment....

- The doctor does NOT feel like I'm going to need an IVF to get pregnant, at least at this point. He's pretty confident that the surgery went well enough that our chances are looking up. Since the surgery, we've only had one IUI, so it makes sense to still be confident in the possibility of it working.

- My egg reserve test did show a low egg reserve, which is still a concern in the back of our minds. Basically it means that I won't "stimulate" (produce as many eggs) as other women my age, no matter what treatment we do. The bad news is that there is also some evidence that women with a low reserve also have lower quality eggs, which makes our chances of getting pregnant lower. If we need to go to an IVF cycle, we will probably have difficulty getting the number of follicles that most fertility patients get. It's likely that we would not have eggs to freeze and use at another time. So, the $15,000 would really be for ONE try!

- We decided that the best option for us at this point is to move on from the tamoxifen to the injectable medications. This time we'll be starting with a higher dose of medication from the beginning in hopes of getting more follicles (eggs). I'll also be adding another medication in addition to the HMG. I'll take injections of Lupron to prevent me from ovulating on my own. This will allow us to stimulate for longer without the fear of me ovulating before it's time. Using the injectables in this way will also give us a good idea of how I would stimulate for IVF if that becomes necessary.

Originally, we decided to sit out my next cycle and start the injectables toward the end of January. Although the cost of an injectable cycle with an IUI is much cheaper than IVF, it's still a big cost for us! Because of the dose of medicine I need, it can easily cost anywhere from $1,500-2,000. Unfortunately, we don't have that as "extra" in our budget! We knew we'd need the next four weeks to save up some to get ready for the cost. However, we have a wonderful couple in our lives who have said they will serve as our financial backers! They're willing to loan us the money in order for us to be able to go ahead with the injections as soon as possible! Thank you Jesus for our amazing family!!!! It's not fun to borrow money, but we're just very thankful for the opportunity to continue trying to start our family!

So....all that said, I should be ready to start injections by early next week. By Monday or Tuesday, Jacob will be back to injecting medicine in my back-side nightly, this time with an added injection in my belly as well! Yipee! :) Please pray for us over the next several weeks as we take yet another step forward in our "journey"! As our doctor said today "only God knows what will work and when"!

****Added Correction.....because of the timing and with Christmas and New Year's, it's going to work best for me to take a birth control pill for a week or so and begin the injections after the first of the year. Basically, we're hitting "pause" for about a week!

Finding Faith...

I wanted to share a blog post with you that really touched my heart. A friend of mine from college had a daughter that was stillborn just a few months after I had Kinley. We had both experienced infertility and both become pregnant only to lose our child. Katie recently gave birth to her second child, a son. Her newest blog post deals with facing Bristol's due date and Brody's birth. She's sharing from a perspective that I can't share from yet. Please take a minute to click over and read her blog entry, it's a beautiful glimpse into her emotions.

Finding Faith - Grand Prize

Childless During the Holidays

***Added Preface: I did not write this post because anyone has offended me personally. I'm not thinking of any particular circumstances and don't harbor any ill feelings toward anyone! Obviously, some people have said things to me in the past couple of years that have been hurtful, but I understand that they weren't trying to hurt me. People, in general, are just trying to relate to you and just looking for the right words to say. I wrote this post to give you some insight to how some particular comments might be taken, not as a jab at anyone for anything they've said or done in the past.***

I'm writing this post for the second time since it somehow got deleted by blogger last time! :(

This is a post I've been putting off for awhile. I feel like it's good information and could be useful for people, but I also know I'm treading on difficult waters. I'm always leery of giving advice on how to deal with women who are going through things like infertility and infant loss because every person deals so differently. I don't want it to sound like every person feels the same, is offended or hurt by the same things, or acts the same way. Every woman is different! Please keep that in mind while reading this!

The holidays are a fun-filled, busy, party-packed time! Ideally the holidays are joyful and jolly, but we know the reality is that the holidays can also be painful. When you're in the midst of infertility and your life is filled with month after month of "trying", the holidays are a reminder that you STILL don't have a baby in your arms. Every year you think, "maybe next year, I'll have a baby to bring to Christmas", and every year it hits hard when you don't.

I wanted to give a little advice for those of you who have women in your family or as close friends who may be experiencing the pain of infertility this Christmas. I don't want to sound harsh. I just want to be helpful. Here are some tips for handling holiday conversation...

1. Be cautious about complaining incessantly about your pregnancy or you child. Obviously we know that sometimes pregnancy is uncomfortable and that sometimes children can be difficult. There are times when your frustration is going to come out in conversation, that's natural. Be careful, though, of dominating conversation with your complaints. It's hurtful and it's hard to suppress the urge to say "I'd give anything to be nauseous or exhausted from pregnancy. I'd give anything to have an infant that won't sleep through the night. I'd give the world to have too many gifts from Santa to buy and not enough time to buy them." Just keep this in mind.

2. Don't tell us about your "feeling" about this month. What I mean is, when you've been trying to get pregnant for a long time, everyone and their mother has a "feeling" about whether or not this is the month for you. Everyone wants to chime in that they really feel like you're pregnant this month or that they feel like you'll definitely be pregnant in February, by Mother's Day, etc. I know that you're trying to give a little ray of hope, but it can be very difficult to navigate your own "feelings" without adding in everyone else's.

3. Which brings me to the next point....don't ask us how we're "feeling" about this month either. When we're pregnant and ready to tell you, we will be happy to fill you in. The holidays just aren't a great time to bring up whether or not we "feel" pregnant.

4. Don't say that you understand if you haven't experienced it. For some reason, people always want to say they understand how you feel. This can be very annoying if that person has never actually dealt with what you're dealing with. If you haven't experienced infertility, you probably don't fully understand. Familiarize yourself with the phrase "I can't even imagine". It's much more supportive and sensitive.

5. If you are in the club of women who have been there and really do understand, but now you have a baby of your own, don't be offended if we don't want to talk to you about it. This topic came up with one of my good friends recently. Although I know that the feelings of disappointment and hurt are probably still very real for you, some women feel like once you've had a baby, you're out of the "club". Some women have a hard time hearing advice from you because in the back of their mind they're thinking "yeah, well, you have a baby now and I still don't!" Personally, I've never felt this way. I actually see these women as hope for my future!

6. Be attentive and listen! Notice if your friend is quiet or withdrawn. Pay attention to the fact that she's 'just not herself'. Take a minute to let her know you notice. A quick hug will work wonders.

7. Be sensitive, but don't walk on egg shells. Don't stop talking about kids when we walk into the room. Just be empathetic and compassionate. A hug can go a long way...no words needed.

8. Finally, and most importantly, know the person!! Everyone is different. Some women are private and some are open and find talking about it therapeutic. If she keeps mentioning it, and you change the subject because it makes you uncomfortable, she probably needs someone to talk to. Allow yourself to be uncomfortable for a minute and let her talk! If you ask questions and her answers are brief and then she changes the subject, she doesn't want to talk. Let it go! If we start to get emotional and walk away, just give us some space for a minute. It will make the holidays much jollier!

I hope someone finds this helpful and no one finds it offensive. If you're a woman who is currently or has previously dealt with infertility, please feel free to comment and add your own suggestions. May God richly bless you this holiday season!