And we know that in all things God works for the good of those that love Him, who have been called according to His purpose.
Romans 8:28

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Joy...

Romans 12:12  Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.

I don't think we've always done this effectively.  I know there were days that my patience in the affliction had run pretty thin!! There were definitely days when I had a hard time even seeing any hope, let alone, being joyful in that hope.  But I did read this scripture a lot, and I did strive for it.  And through finding out that Kinley was gone, burying her, moving away, struggling to get pregnant again, and even being told it was unlikely, if not impossible, for us to get pregnant....one thing is true, Jacob and I remained faithful in prayer.

And God heard our prayers.....

Psalm 37:4 Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of you heart.



Psalm 30:5 Weeping may last for the night, but joy comes in the morning....


Wow is this child ever a testament to God's faithfulness!! She is a complete joy!!  I can't believe she's almost 6 months old.  She has filled every single day of the last 5 1/2 months with smiles, hugs, kisses, and laughs.  Jacob looked at me one day and asked if I could look at her without smiling....very rarely!  We're totally smitten and completely overwhelmed with love for our beautiful Emersyn Kate!



Thursday, October 4, 2012

Goodbye September...we'll meet again next year!

I love when the calendar changes to October...it feels like I can breathe again.  Like I've been holding my breath the entire month of September and suddenly I realize that it's October and I gasp for air.  And I always wonder how many more years it will feel like that.

I survived another September and there are some things that never change, some that I did differently, and some things I didn't do at all this year.

I did...
- Hold my Emmy a little bit tighter remembering what a miracle it is to have her!
I did not...
- Worry that I would never have a baby to "mother".  God has replaced that fear with the joy of even just one baby to raise!!! Of course, we'd love to have more, but for now, I'm thrilled with our one blessing!

I did...
- Find myself late in the night one night, getting Emmy out of her crib, sinking down to the floor, holding her, and sobbing at what WE had lost.  Because she lost out too.
I did not...
- Do it every night...just once.  I resisted the urge to sit up all night holding her.

I did...
- Visit Kinley's gravesite on her birthday, let balloons go, spend a little bit of time curled up under my covers sobbing, and think about her all day.
I did not...
- Visit her gravesite daily.  I didn't feel the need to be 'there' for her.  She doesn't NEED me to dwell on spending my time there, to make myself crazy, to worry about her.  Emersyn does need me to care for her.

I did...
- Remember!
I did not...
- Pull out all of the cards, letters, and keepsakes in order to relive every moment.

I did...
- Feel in some ways like this year was harder than last year.  I think that's because before part of what I was mourning was getting to actually be a mommy.  Now that I have Emmy I know exactly what I missed out on with Kinley and that hurts.
I did not...
- Feel like Emersyn at all replaced Kinley!!!

I don't know if I did the right things or the wrong things, I don't know if I grieved "normally".  I know that it still hurts incredibly and that I would give almost anything to change it and have her back.  I know that I love her so much and she'll ALWAYS be my first born.  And I also know that it feels natural to do things a little different each year.  It felt right this year to grieve exactly how I did.  I didn't feel the need to do any more or any less to remember Kinley.  All that I can do is what seems right to me.

Friday, September 21, 2012

Just Enough Strength...Again

I've been a huge blogging slacker...

The truth is that I've thought about sitting down to write a blog at least a hundred times over the last several months, but I can't make myself do it.  I'd like to say that it's because I'm so busy with Emersyn that I don't have time, and that's partially true.  But honestly, I have time to watch Big Brother....THREE times a week, so I probably have time to blog too!

The truth is, I haven't known quite what to say.  In all honesty, I'm walking in an overwhelming amount of joy every day ... so why not just say that?? Because the moment I start to, I also feel an overwhelming amount of guilt.  I know that's silly, but this blog has always been dedicated to my feelings about losing Kinley, and the joy of having Emmy is completely separate from that.  It's difficult for me to convince myself that I don't need to feel guilty about being happy.

I feel like it's almost impossible to explain how I could have two completely opposite feelings at the exact same time.  I'm overjoyed with being a Mommy to Emmy.  I love it so much that I can barely breathe sometimes!! But if I acted for one minute like that makes the pain of losing Kinley any less I would be lying.  I'm full of joy and yet still somehow full of hurt.

I don't miss her any less today than I did at any moment in the last three years.  I will admit that I'm more busy now, so I have less time to really sit and think about it.  That makes it seem sometimes like it hurts less, but in reality, the moment she crosses my mind, the same feelings rise up.

There's a place in my heart for Kinley and Emmy doesn't fill that space.  She fills up a completely different space in my heart.  And that space is overflowing!  But still the 'hole' of losing Kinley is there.  I wouldn't want her to fill it really and I couldn't ask her too.  It's not her job to replace her sister or to heal my heart.

I feel many days like people expect me to be "over it".  For some people, I think the natural thought is... 'she wanted a baby and now she has one, so she should be fine'.  Imagine though, if you had all of your children except for one.  If that one child was missing from your family, would having another one make that okay?

I love being a Mommy and I'm taking every opportunity to enjoy my Emmy Kate.  I spend almost 24 hours a day 7 days a week completely engulfed in caring for her.  I rarely spend a moment away from her and I still feel like I can't get enough of her!!! I wouldn't have it any other way.  I'm not letting the fact that I don't have Kinley in any way put a damper on what I have with Emmy.  But I still miss her so incredibly much.  I still feel like there's a huge weight on my heart.  I still feel like I'm carrying a burden that just isn't fair.  And I still want her back!  I know that's not the plan that God had for us, but it doesn't change that one of my deepest desires is to have her here.

I wish so desperately that I could see Kinley with Emmy.  I would give anything to be able to watch her kiss her sister, hold her, and love her.  Watching Bristol with Em has been so much fun for me, and every once in awhile I find myself watching her talk to Emmy and out of nowhere it stings.  I would give almost anything to get to see them together and I know that one day I will.

I guess I'm not really sure where I'm going with this post.  I just wanted to honestly say where I've been for the past few months.  I've been absent from blogging because I had no way to really make sense of what I was feeling.  But I think it's time to come back to honestly sharing my days with you, both the joy and the hurt!

Tomorrow will be 3 years since the absolute worst day of my life.  Three years ago tomorrow, we heard the words "we can't find a heartbeat".  My life has changed so much in three years.  I am stronger and yet I'm more vulnerable.  I am happier and yet I know the fullest depths of hurt.  I have learned how to depend on God more, because I had to, and I've seen Him come through for me so many times.  I'm no more of a Mommy today than I was on that day, but now I'm getting to 'mother' one of the babies that God has given to me.

I could use your prayers over the next few days.  God has done so much healing in my heart, but I still have so much left to do.  I'm desperately seeking His peace and asking Him to carry me through the next few days, like He's done so many times before.  Tomorrow will be hard and so will Kinley's birthday on Monday, but for now I'm once again asking God for "just enough strength to get through today."

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

Emmy Rolling Over!

I have to share Emmy's video from this morning.  She was having tummy time and started completely on her belly looking in her little mirror.  But she decided she's ready to roll over!!  I missed the beginning because I had to grab the camera, but I caught the last half of the roll. Don't mind the screaming...she was getting frustrated that she couldn't get her legs over! :)


Thursday, June 21, 2012

Gosh I Love This Baby Girl...

I know I haven't posted much, okay at all!  But I'm so busy being so completely consumed by this beautiful little lady!!!!  I am loving  being a Mommy that gets to mommy her baby!  And I just had to share our morning with you...

A few weeks ago I decided to start attending a "Stroller Blast" exercise class.  As it turns out, I love it and Emmy HATES it!! She's not a big fan of the car seat or stroller and she screams the whole time. I just can't bring myself to torture her.  But yesterday at the pool she hung out in her stroller for a long time and was happy and this morning she woke up in such a good mood...

Listen closely at the end of this one and you may see where my morning is headed...


So I decided to give the class a try. We were all set to go, my shoes were on, the bag was ready, all I needed to do was dress Emersyn and head out the door.  As I'm carrying her around, I look down and notice this...

At least she's still happy...


Yes it was everywhere, yes it was out the back too, yes it was in her belly button, yes it was on me!!


To the bath we went...


After being bathed, lotioned, and dressed, she looked cute, but she was TICKED!


She was so mad that she had to nurse to calm herself down, after all, her belly was now empty! 
(I'll spare you the nursing pic!) :)

So after all that, we were too late to get to stroller blast...but I'm not complaining...



And she's still the cutest thing on the face of the earth...


And to think, this is what I prayed and prayed for!! This is the life I dreamed of and my hearts truest desire! :) And I love every single moment of it, even the 'crappy' ones!  I'm so incredibly, head-over-heels, in love with this baby girl!!  She just melts my heart!

And as I finish typing this blog, I sit here, literally in tears....not because I'm tired or because the morning was rough (honestly it didn't shake me a bit).  I'm crying because I'm so blessed to even have this opportunity.  I'm crying because my prayers were answered.  I'm crying because I'm writing a blog about my baby girl and gazing at her in her swing across the room and I can't even believe that she's here and that she's so perfect and wonderful!!!  Thank you God for answering the prayers of so many. 

Saturday, May 5, 2012

The Arrival of Emersyn Kate

Just in case anyone missed the big announcement, Emersyn Kate made her arrival on April 26th at 8:13 am!  She is absolutely perfect and we are totally smitten with her!! She weighed 6 pounds 9 ounces and was 19 inches long.

The day of her birth was filled with all sorts of emotion!  I can't put into words all the feelings that I had.  I was nervous, sad that Kinley wasn't there, anxious, excited, scared, and abundantly happy.

We were super blessed to have a photographer with us on the day of her birth.  Rachel Richard is a friend of mine from childhood and came to share in the day and document it for us.  She did an amazing job capturing all of the emotion of the day and documenting each moment.

Here is the video she created of Emmy's big day...




If you are in the central Indiana region, I would highly suggest you think about Rachel for your next photo shoot.  She is amazingly good at what she does!!!

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Emotion...

I haven't blogged much lately and it's mostly because I've had a hard time putting into words exactly how it is I'm feeling. I'm completely overwhelmed with emotion, but grasping to explain how I really feel.

In just 8 short days we'll be welcoming Emersyn Kate into the world. I have a c-section scheduled for Thursday April 26th. I'm so excited that I can hardly contain myself, and yet at the same time, I'm having a hard time making myself believe that it will really happen. It's almost unreal to me that we'll really be bringing our baby home.

In addition, there are moments that the fear and anxiety are completely paralyzing. I can't even explain how crippling the fear can be. I've prayed so much lately for God's peace! As crazy as it sounds, there have also been many moments when I'm not necessarily feeling scared, but I find myself looking around the room and thinking of the things I'll need to "hide away" if something goes wrong and we don't get to bring Emmy home. It's almost matter-of-fact, my mind just goes to "Did we keep the box for that so I can put it up if I need to? Will I take the nursery completely apart or just shut the door?" I feel like a crazy person that I could even think that way!!! And yet, it's the reality of where I've been.

Other times, I've found myself just sitting down and crying. I'm not even sure if I'm crying tears of sadness, anxiety, joy, hormones! or a little bit of each. I miss Kinley so much and being pregnant and preparing to bring a baby home makes it more real that I didn't get to do all of this with her. I also watch Brenna and Bristol talking to my tummy and kissing it and getting so excited about meeting her, and it sometimes sends a shooting pain in my heart because I realize that Emersyn "should" have a big sister here anxiously preparing for her arrival. Of course, I know that she really shouldn't be here, that was never the plan for her life. God had bigger things in store for her than I even realized. But that doesn't change the fact that I wish I could watch her with her baby sister.

It's compounded by the fact that I've been asked the innocent and yet painful question "Is this your first?" at least a hundred times throughout the pregnancy. How is a Mommy whose baby has passed away suppose to answer that question? Sometimes the situation just doesn't lend itself to an explanation and I just nod my head yes and walk away. Then I inevitably feel guilty that I didn't even mention Kinley. Sometimes I just say no and leave it at that. But most often, I give the same response "No, we had a daughter that was stillborn, but this is the first that we'll get to bring home." Then I see the look on the other persons face and feel bad for making the person feel uncomfortable! It's really an impossible question to answer "right"!!!

As I write this today, no matter how much I miss McKinley, I have an overwhelming assurance that this was all part of God's plan for her life. As we celebrate Emersyn and all the focus seems to be on her, I still see how God is using Kinley. We were so very blessed to have a maternity shoot recently with about 20 photographers from P31. We got some amazing pictures and I have no clue how I'll choose favorites. And in the midst of celebrating my pregnancy, I also got to share our testimony. I've heard from many of the women who were touched by Kinley's story in some way. It makes me so proud to be know that she's still reaching people and it's so humbling to know that God chose me to carry her and be the one who gets to share her short life with others.

Here are some of the amazing photos we got...




Taken by Kristy Walters







I probably won't post again until after Emersyn has arrived. Thank you all so much for your thoughts, prayers, and kind words throughout this pregnancy. We serve such an amazing God! A God who has conquered death, infertility, and doctor's reports!

Friday, March 2, 2012

Appointment Update

In case you missed the link on my facebook page, you can access my message from last Sunday at the Covington First Assembly website. Just click here to listen to the message and view the slideshow.

Also, thank you so much for your prayers this past week. My appointment this week went very well! I'm feeling better than I've felt in the past couple of months and Emersyn is growing and doing well!
I had hoped all along that I would be able to go with my family to Florida toward the end of March. There were times that I just figured that would be totally out of the question, but because God has answered ALL of our prayers for this pregnancy, I'm now fine to go on vacation!!! I'll fly out on a Tuesday with my sister and spend Tues-Sat in Orlando with my parents, sister, nieces, cousin Alyssa, and my brother and his girlfriend. Then on Saturday we'll all head over to the beach where we'll meet up with Jacob and his family as well as my Mom's extended family and spend a week there!

Today, I'm 29 weeks pregnant, the same day in pregnancy that Kinley was born. Every single day from now on is a day longer than I got to have with Kinley. Thank you Lord for the blessing of each and every day with her for years and years to come!!!!!

Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Kinley's Impact

I was blessed this past Sunday to be the guest speaker at my 'home church' in Covington. The theme was "Love Revealed" and I spoke about our testimony and how God's love was revealed to us in amazing ways, even in the midst of the most horrific circumstances. I feel truly blessed to be still getting opportunities to share Kinley's story. As a mom, I want nothing more than for her legacy to continue. It's such a a huge blessing to see that her little life is still making an impact on people and most importantly for the kingdom of God. I couldn't be a more proud mommy!!

Lots of people asked if I was nervous, and I really wasn't. To be honest, I was much more nervous writing the message then I was delivering it. In preparation for what to say, I just wanted to make sure I was in line with God's will for the message. Once the message was ready, delivering it really wasn't difficult or nerve wracking at all. I guess I don't have a fear of public speaking! :) Maybe I've found my true calling... ;)

On a completely different note, I'm missing my Kinley so badly today!!! This is such a hard time in the pregnancy for me. I was 28 weeks the day that I quit feeling Kinley move. I passed that milestone last Friday. Tomorrow, however, is the exact day of pregnancy that I went into the office and found out that Kinley was gone. To make matters worse, I have an appointment tomorrow!! AND, with Kinley, I went in to take the glucose test that day. I drank the orange drink, then went in for my appt. I never made it to the blood draw because the ultrasound revealed that there was no heartbeat. Tomorrow, I go in for my glucose test as well.

Although there is a level of fear there, just like there has been through the entire pregnancy, that's really not the hardest part of it for me. I really do believe with all my heart that this pregnancy and Emersyn are in God's hands. It's really much more difficult for me that it just brings back all the emotion of that time. I'm reliving those feelings and replaying those days in my mind. And in short, I just miss her so much! Even knowing the impact that she's had on people and the way that she's changed me for the better, I still just wish I had her here with me. No matter how much good comes from her life, I still would selfishly rather just be her mommy and get to hold her everyday!!

Please just be in prayer with me tomorrow that things go smoothly at the appointment and that I'm able to focus on the blessing that Emmy is and not be totally consumed by the hurt and fear!!

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Update!!

Update after seeing the doctor...

Everything actually looked really good. My cervix is still closed and hasn't made any changes. However, it looked irritated. They also did an ultrasound and it didn't show any reason for the bleeding in my uterus and also showed that my cervix looked good. (And of course, as always, little Miss Emersyn was active and looked great!!)

They believe that there is some sort of infection maybe that's causing my cervix to be irritated. The irritated cervix is then bleeding and also causing my uterus to contract. They did a swab to check for infection or a reason for the irritation. Basically, at this point it looks like my body is NOT trying to go into labor, which is a great thing!!! I'm going to quit taking the procardia since the contractions are not changing my cervix anyway. Then if we need it later on we'll have it as an option.

I'll continue to stay on restricted activity until I see the doctor again on Monday. Hopefully this will give some time for my cervix to "calm down". Once that happens both the bleeding and contractions should stop! Praise God!!!

Rest, Rest, Rest

First, this post is long overdue, I don't really know why it's taken me so long to write another blog entry. I really don't have any excuses!

It has been a very emotional and scary few days for us. I spent some time in the hospital and have been put on restricted activity at home for now, but let me start from the beginning.

Actually, the complications started a little over a month ago. I wasn't having any major problems and Emerysn looked great at all my appointments, but my blood pressure had started to go up and my urine was showing a trace of protein. Although I knew they were being very careful with me, it made me nervous to have blood pressure issues starting as early as 20-21 weeks. I had decided to "cut back" on some of my responsibilities and actually quit my 6-hour a week preschool job in hopes that I could rest more and hopefully my blood pressure would drop and I would avoid any mandated bed rest or restrictions.

So I've been spending a lot of time resting the past couple weeks. On Saturday, Jacob started painting Emmy's nursery, so I did a little work cleaning out a closet and moving some of Brenna and Bristol's toys. I was excited to be getting the nursery ready, but it also made me very uneasy. I never got to that point with Kinley and was actually relieved when I didn't have a fully decorated nursery with no baby to bring home to it. In addition, I have my first baby shower this weekend. My first shower with Kinley was scheduled for the weekend right after I delivered her, instead I spent that weekend planning her funeral.

I've been feeling a very strange mix of emotions. I'm excited to get to do the things I never got to do for Kinley, but also scary to do them. It also makes me realize how much I missed out on with her and makes me feel a mix of guilt, anger, and hurt that I didn't get to experience this with her. In addition, the bigger my belly gets and the closer it comes to Emersyn's arrival, the more I deeply miss Kinley.

Saturday night I started feeling crampy and was having some lower back pain. I was 25 weeks pregnant on Friday, by the way. We had planned to go hang out with some friends, but canceled because we were both tired from the day's activities and although I didn't say anything, I really wasn't feeling great. I went to bed assuming that the cramping and pain was from the work I had done on the closet.

Sunday morning I woke up to get ready for church and went in to the bathroom to find that I had started bleeding. I decided to go back to bed and skip the 9:00 service to rest. Once in bed, I realized that I was also still having the cramping and decided to text my doctor. He texted back that he was out of town, but I needed to head to the hospital.

By the time we left for the hospital, I noticed that I was also contracting at a fairly regular rate. They weren't painful contractions, mostly just tightening. I spent the morning being monitored and was eventually sent back home. When I left the hospital I was contracting every 2-3 minutes but they were only lasting about 30-40 seconds at a time. The bleeding had also stopped. I was told to take it easy through the evening, drink a lot of water, and follow up with my doctor.

By the time I got home, I was bleeding again and took to my recliner for the rest of the night! I bled off and on through the day and it had picked up a little when I went to bed, but I decided to rest and see how the night went. Dr. Hoversland had been checking in throughout the day via text and said to go back to the hospital if the bleeding continued or if the contractions changed at all. I woke up about 1:30 and knew that the contractions had changed. I was feeling very uncomfortable. My lower back was hurting more and although the contractions weren't hurting they felt much stronger and were lasting a little longer. I called the doctor on call and headed back to the hospital.

This time I was admitted to be monitored. My contractions were fairly irregular, but I had a few stretches of time where they were coming every few minutes and lasting 90 seconds. After one of those stretches of time, they decided to start me on procardia to stop the contractions. Although it didn't seem to work for awhile, it did eventually slow the contractions down. They also did a fetal fibronectin test. This is a test that is used to predict if you would go into active labor within the next 2 weeks. Thankfully, this test was negative! In addition, my cervix had remained closed and thick, but was very soft.

Although I was still contracting every 5-10 minutes and some of them had actually become quite strong and even painful, they had slowed down and the medicine seemed to be helping. So I was given another dose of medication and a prescription for procardia and sent home on restricted activity. The bleeding has continued off and on and yesterday I contracted about 3-4 times an hour throughout the day. Last night, I felt like that had probably slowed down some more.

I'll be seeing my own doctor today to make a plan for the next several weeks. Although I'm relieved that the test showed I was not likely to deliver in the next two weeks, I also don't feel "out of the woods" since 2 weeks is not nearly long enough! Any contractions at all at this point are scary to me and any change in my cervix makes me nervous. I'm hoping today that I'll get a better idea of how we can stop the contractions completely and get this pregnancy to full term despite the contractions and changes in my body.

In the meantime, I'm really treating the restricted activity as bed rest and getting up as little as possible. For me, the safer I can possibly be, the better!! It's just not worth the risk. Thankfully I have a great support system. Jacob has stepped up and is doing all of the housework and cooking after working all day! And our family is checking in and making sure I have someone here to keep me company during the day. I'm very blessed!!!

For now, I'm resting, resting, and resting! Thank you for your continued prayers and support!!