And we know that in all things God works for the good of those that love Him, who have been called according to His purpose.
Romans 8:28

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Mother's Day Post...A few days late!

This is the note that I posted last year on Mother's Day. I'm not sure why I felt led to it today and feel led to share it with you, but I do. I'm sure many of you have already read it, but maybe someone hasn't come across it yet. I also know that since Mother's Day has passed it's a little outdated, but the message is still the same....

I’m the kind of Mommy who always knew I wanted to be a Mommy. The kind of little girl who played “house” from the time I was tiny. I mothered every baby that came into my path. From the moment my sweet baby sister and brother were born, I wanted to mother them. Every new cousin that came into the world was a pure joy for me. I wanted to hold them, change them, and feed them. Some people took friends with them to ball games or the park, not me, I found a little kid that I could take. I drug Jessica, Seth, and Karly to countless ball games at the school. I just loved to take care of them and mother them.


I’m the kind of Mommy who desperately wanted a baby. Jacob and I started trying to get pregnant before we had even been married a year. I know that some people thought that it was too soon, but we knew we wanted to be parents. As the months passed and countless pregnancy tests came up negative, I grew increasingly anxious and afraid. Would God really give me this deep desire to be a Mommy and then not ever allow me to actually be one? That couldn’t be the plan that He had for me. After months of trying and 4 rounds of Clomid, I finally saw that double pink line! I was a Mommy!!


I’m the kind of Mommy that was a Mommy the moment I saw that positive test. I embraced pregnancy to the fullest! I loved it! I dove head first into falling in love with my baby. I talked about her constantly, I shopped for her, and I imagined what she would be. On my first Mother’s Day as a pregnant woman I stood proudly when the pastor asked all of the mom’s to stand. I WAS a mother!


I’m the kind of Mommy who labored and pushed knowing that my daughter would not be born breathing. I knew I would not hear that coveted first cry. I wouldn’t beam as I introduced a wiggling newborn to her grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins. I did, however, cradle her lifeless body in my arms with the love that only a mother knows. I stroked her black curly hair, examined her ten perfect fingers and toes, changed her dresses and hats, and lovingly swaddled her in blankets. I smiled for pictures with her although my heart was broken. I passed her to family and friends and shared her with those I love most. I slept with her in my arms, I prayed over her with my husband, and then I placed her in her basket and let her go. I left the hospital without her, I planned a burial and memorial service, and I stood to tell those gathered in the church of the mark that she had left on the world.


I’m the kind of Mommy who hurts daily so that my baby never has to know pain. Every time my heart feels like it will burst from the pain, I remember that she will never know a pain like this. She’ll never fall and skin her knee, she’ll never get her heart broken, and she’ll never hurt, as I am hurting.


I’m the kind of Mommy who is proud of my little girl. I know she only had a brief time on earth, but she accomplished the purpose that God had for her. The night of her memorial service, a family member shared with me that she had given her heart to Christ. As she stood there, tears running down her face, she explained that it had struck her that Kinley walked into Heaven familiar with the praises of God, familiar with Him, because Jacob and I had carried her, while still in my womb, to church week after week. She shared that if something should happen to her little girls, they would enter a Heaven that was unknown. Because of Kinley’s brief life, she will spend eternity with her little girls! I know that Kinley’s life and death have touched and changed countless other people, and for that, I am proud!


I’m the kind of Mommy who most of the world doesn’t even notice as a Mom at all. I have no outward signs of being a mom. I don’t push my baby around the mall in her stroller, I don’t carry her infant seat into church, I don’t take her to the park, or take her out for walks. I don’t shop in the baby sections, I don’t buy diapers, and I don’t buy formula. To most of the world, I’m not a Mommy at all. But in my heart, I truly am! I know that whether God chooses to bless us with more children or not, I am and will always be McKinley’s Mommy.


A year can make such a difference in a person’s life. Last year at this time, I was a beaming pregnant woman, waiting for my blessing to arrive. One year later, I’m a hurting Mommy, longing to rock my baby just one more time. This year, there are women everywhere who are celebrating Mother’s Day. Some are first time Mommy’s, some are spending their day with children, grandchildren, and even great-grandchildren, and all are celebrating the blessings that God has given them. However, stop to think for a minute that there are also many women hurting on Mother’s Day. Their babies have passed away, they’ve been struggling with infertility, or last year they were celebrating with their mom and this year she’s gone. A year can make such a big difference in YOUR life….don’t let another day pass without taking time to enjoy your children, to thank your mom, and to make amends in strained relationships.

Monday, May 9, 2011

I'm Back!

I'm going to try to cram a lot of information into this one post and attempt not to make it too long! I feel like our life has been a complete whirlwind the past month or so and I just haven't been able to keep up with the blogging as our life takes on a whole new direction. So here's the breakdown of April and May...

Fertility -
I saw a "second-opinion" doctor and it went fairly well. I had a test done and am still waiting for the official results of the test, but I'll keep you posted. This doctor seemed to have a lot of the same opinions of the other doctor, but put it all in a much more positive light. I'll be taking Clomid for the next 5-6 months in hopes that what worked before, will work again. It's been difficult for me to balance being hopeful and being realistic, but I'm feeling pretty good about the direction we're going.

Adoption -
We met with two adoption agencies and we had begun the process of deciding which agency to go with and whether we would like to pursue a traditional infant adoption or an embryo adoption. I have an appointment this week to discuss whether embryo adoption is a good fit for us. However, that's all been put on hold because....

Moving!
We're moving!! A couple of weeks ago, Jacob received word that a job was opening up in Lafayette and he was given the option of taking that job. We were shocked at the timing and couldn't believe that our move "home" had come so quickly! We spent last week in Lafayette for Jacob to train on his new job and for us to do some house hunting. Jacob is scheduled to have his last day here on May 20th, then we'll be heading home!! I'll post more about the upcoming move soon.

Mother's Day
I can't let Mother's Day pass by without commenting on it. Yesterday was a tough day for me. It's just not fun to spend a whole day thinking about the fact that I'm a mother that hasn't been allowed to do any mothering. Mother's Day is the one day of the year that the pain of not having Kinley here collides with the pain of infertility and the questioning of whether Mother's Day will ever be a celebratory day for me. It's not fair to not have your baby on Mother's Day, it's not fair to feel yourself hesitate about whether or not to stand up when all the mommy's in church are asked to stand, it's not fair for your husband to be stressed and worried about what to get you because he's walking a fine line between letting the day go unnoticed and trying not to bring about another emotional storm. It's just not fair!

Having said that, I did have my moments of complete breakdown, I cried, I got mad, I felt that deep pain stabbing in my chest. I also felt very loved, completely supported, and utterly blessed....yes, blessed! Blessed to have family and friends that love me enough to remember that the day is hard for me, blessed to have a mom and mother-in-law who are perfect examples for me, and blessed to have a relationship and friendship with God that can carry me through days such as this.