This picture of Brenna and I was taken 3 days before we found out that McKinley had no heartbeat. I was 28 weeks pregnant.
Brenna’s Sweet Message from God
January 2010
I’ve always believed that God speaks to even the youngest of believers. I think He truly wants to speak to all of us, but sometimes we’re just not ready to listen. Since September 22nd, when I was told that McKinley no longer had a heartbeat, I’ve learned many lessons and have grown closer to God than I’ve ever been in my life. But I have to admit that when He chose to really speak peace to me, He had to use a child to get the message to me clearly. Maybe I wasn’t ready to listen, but she was.
Many of you know that my niece Brenna is extra special to me. We’re closer than most aunts and nieces. She’s my only niece, and I rarely go a single day without spending time with her. I’m ashamed to admit that I panic about going on vacations and worry about staying away for more than a few days, mostly because I’ll miss her so much! She’s provided smiles in tough moments, hugs on bad days, and abundant love for Jacob and I both. In many ways, she’s my angel on earth and Kinley’s my angel in heaven.
Brenna was three, but talked and processed information like a much older child. She was consumed by my pregnancy and talked about “Baby Kinley” constantly. Her death was bound to impact her. She had really started to question why Kinley had died and began to seem unsettled about the whole situation. Prior to this time, she had just talked about Kinley being “tiny and sweet” and how she was heaven with Jesus. Now she seemed to be starting to feel uneasy and upset. She’d started to ask me lots of questions and expressed to her Mom that she “didn’t like things that were dead.”
Through the 4 months since McKinley went to be with Jesus, I’d walked through numerous stages of healing and countless emotions. I’d felt sadness so intense that it was literally paralyzing, peace that was truly inexplicable, cried tears that seemed endless, experienced pain that was unimaginable, fear that was crippling, and anger that boiled up and spilled over without me even realizing it was coming. On one particular evening, I seemed to be stuck somewhere in the middle of intense sadness and unbelievable anger. I stayed home on a Wednesday night to pray by myself and was really talking to God about why Brenna had to feel such pain at such a young age. I thought to myself: “I’m an adult and I’m strong and I can handle this, but she’s just a baby!! It’s not fair God!!! It’s just not fair! And I can’t stand to see her hurt and confused! FIX IT!! Heal her little heart God!”
God did answer my prayers, but not really in the way I had expected. A few nights later, Brenna was sleeping when Megan and Douglas heard her talking in her sleep. She was saying, “You’re healed! You’re healed!” When she woke up she immediately said to Megan “That wasn’t real, was it? That was probably a dream.” Megan questioned her about the dream and this is what she told her…
Brenna said, “The flies (later she called them butterflies or bumblebees) came down and got Kinley and carried her to heaven. She’s with Jesus now, but she’s not little anymore. Now she’s big, as big as me. And she talks very well…as well as I do.” When Megan asked her what she looked like, she said, in a very matter-of-fact way “Like my Etty!” (That’s me, by the way.) She said she has long hair and it’s not yellow like hers, it’s brown. It’s curly like her Jay-Jay’s (Jacob’s), but it’s in a long ponytail. When we asked her what they talked about, she said they talked about me! Now here’s the part that really gets me…She said that Kinley “used to be crying because she missed her Mommy, but she’s happy now.” She’s told me a few times since then that Kinley’s really happy and she’s not crying anymore.
What an amazing revelation for a three-year-old. God GAVE her this dream. These aren’t the kinds of things that a three-year-old mind thinks up. He showed her my baby girl and reassured her (and me) that all was well, and that McKinley was happy. Not only that, but He answered my prayer! You see, I still hurt, but my God is still good!! He’s still in the miracle business and He’s still answering prayers.
