Kinley's Impact

I was blessed this past Sunday to be the guest speaker at my 'home church' in Covington. The theme was "Love Revealed" and I spoke about our testimony and how God's love was revealed to us in amazing ways, even in the midst of the most horrific circumstances. I feel truly blessed to be still getting opportunities to share Kinley's story. As a mom, I want nothing more than for her legacy to continue. It's such a a huge blessing to see that her little life is still making an impact on people and most importantly for the kingdom of God. I couldn't be a more proud mommy!!

Lots of people asked if I was nervous, and I really wasn't. To be honest, I was much more nervous writing the message then I was delivering it. In preparation for what to say, I just wanted to make sure I was in line with God's will for the message. Once the message was ready, delivering it really wasn't difficult or nerve wracking at all. I guess I don't have a fear of public speaking! :) Maybe I've found my true calling... ;)

On a completely different note, I'm missing my Kinley so badly today!!! This is such a hard time in the pregnancy for me. I was 28 weeks the day that I quit feeling Kinley move. I passed that milestone last Friday. Tomorrow, however, is the exact day of pregnancy that I went into the office and found out that Kinley was gone. To make matters worse, I have an appointment tomorrow!! AND, with Kinley, I went in to take the glucose test that day. I drank the orange drink, then went in for my appt. I never made it to the blood draw because the ultrasound revealed that there was no heartbeat. Tomorrow, I go in for my glucose test as well.

Although there is a level of fear there, just like there has been through the entire pregnancy, that's really not the hardest part of it for me. I really do believe with all my heart that this pregnancy and Emersyn are in God's hands. It's really much more difficult for me that it just brings back all the emotion of that time. I'm reliving those feelings and replaying those days in my mind. And in short, I just miss her so much! Even knowing the impact that she's had on people and the way that she's changed me for the better, I still just wish I had her here with me. No matter how much good comes from her life, I still would selfishly rather just be her mommy and get to hold her everyday!!

Please just be in prayer with me tomorrow that things go smoothly at the appointment and that I'm able to focus on the blessing that Emmy is and not be totally consumed by the hurt and fear!!

Update!!

Update after seeing the doctor...

Everything actually looked really good. My cervix is still closed and hasn't made any changes. However, it looked irritated. They also did an ultrasound and it didn't show any reason for the bleeding in my uterus and also showed that my cervix looked good. (And of course, as always, little Miss Emersyn was active and looked great!!)

They believe that there is some sort of infection maybe that's causing my cervix to be irritated. The irritated cervix is then bleeding and also causing my uterus to contract. They did a swab to check for infection or a reason for the irritation. Basically, at this point it looks like my body is NOT trying to go into labor, which is a great thing!!! I'm going to quit taking the procardia since the contractions are not changing my cervix anyway. Then if we need it later on we'll have it as an option.

I'll continue to stay on restricted activity until I see the doctor again on Monday. Hopefully this will give some time for my cervix to "calm down". Once that happens both the bleeding and contractions should stop! Praise God!!!

Rest, Rest, Rest

First, this post is long overdue, I don't really know why it's taken me so long to write another blog entry. I really don't have any excuses!

It has been a very emotional and scary few days for us. I spent some time in the hospital and have been put on restricted activity at home for now, but let me start from the beginning.

Actually, the complications started a little over a month ago. I wasn't having any major problems and Emerysn looked great at all my appointments, but my blood pressure had started to go up and my urine was showing a trace of protein. Although I knew they were being very careful with me, it made me nervous to have blood pressure issues starting as early as 20-21 weeks. I had decided to "cut back" on some of my responsibilities and actually quit my 6-hour a week preschool job in hopes that I could rest more and hopefully my blood pressure would drop and I would avoid any mandated bed rest or restrictions.

So I've been spending a lot of time resting the past couple weeks. On Saturday, Jacob started painting Emmy's nursery, so I did a little work cleaning out a closet and moving some of Brenna and Bristol's toys. I was excited to be getting the nursery ready, but it also made me very uneasy. I never got to that point with Kinley and was actually relieved when I didn't have a fully decorated nursery with no baby to bring home to it. In addition, I have my first baby shower this weekend. My first shower with Kinley was scheduled for the weekend right after I delivered her, instead I spent that weekend planning her funeral.

I've been feeling a very strange mix of emotions. I'm excited to get to do the things I never got to do for Kinley, but also scary to do them. It also makes me realize how much I missed out on with her and makes me feel a mix of guilt, anger, and hurt that I didn't get to experience this with her. In addition, the bigger my belly gets and the closer it comes to Emersyn's arrival, the more I deeply miss Kinley.

Saturday night I started feeling crampy and was having some lower back pain. I was 25 weeks pregnant on Friday, by the way. We had planned to go hang out with some friends, but canceled because we were both tired from the day's activities and although I didn't say anything, I really wasn't feeling great. I went to bed assuming that the cramping and pain was from the work I had done on the closet.

Sunday morning I woke up to get ready for church and went in to the bathroom to find that I had started bleeding. I decided to go back to bed and skip the 9:00 service to rest. Once in bed, I realized that I was also still having the cramping and decided to text my doctor. He texted back that he was out of town, but I needed to head to the hospital.

By the time we left for the hospital, I noticed that I was also contracting at a fairly regular rate. They weren't painful contractions, mostly just tightening. I spent the morning being monitored and was eventually sent back home. When I left the hospital I was contracting every 2-3 minutes but they were only lasting about 30-40 seconds at a time. The bleeding had also stopped. I was told to take it easy through the evening, drink a lot of water, and follow up with my doctor.

By the time I got home, I was bleeding again and took to my recliner for the rest of the night! I bled off and on through the day and it had picked up a little when I went to bed, but I decided to rest and see how the night went. Dr. Hoversland had been checking in throughout the day via text and said to go back to the hospital if the bleeding continued or if the contractions changed at all. I woke up about 1:30 and knew that the contractions had changed. I was feeling very uncomfortable. My lower back was hurting more and although the contractions weren't hurting they felt much stronger and were lasting a little longer. I called the doctor on call and headed back to the hospital.

This time I was admitted to be monitored. My contractions were fairly irregular, but I had a few stretches of time where they were coming every few minutes and lasting 90 seconds. After one of those stretches of time, they decided to start me on procardia to stop the contractions. Although it didn't seem to work for awhile, it did eventually slow the contractions down. They also did a fetal fibronectin test. This is a test that is used to predict if you would go into active labor within the next 2 weeks. Thankfully, this test was negative! In addition, my cervix had remained closed and thick, but was very soft.

Although I was still contracting every 5-10 minutes and some of them had actually become quite strong and even painful, they had slowed down and the medicine seemed to be helping. So I was given another dose of medication and a prescription for procardia and sent home on restricted activity. The bleeding has continued off and on and yesterday I contracted about 3-4 times an hour throughout the day. Last night, I felt like that had probably slowed down some more.

I'll be seeing my own doctor today to make a plan for the next several weeks. Although I'm relieved that the test showed I was not likely to deliver in the next two weeks, I also don't feel "out of the woods" since 2 weeks is not nearly long enough! Any contractions at all at this point are scary to me and any change in my cervix makes me nervous. I'm hoping today that I'll get a better idea of how we can stop the contractions completely and get this pregnancy to full term despite the contractions and changes in my body.

In the meantime, I'm really treating the restricted activity as bed rest and getting up as little as possible. For me, the safer I can possibly be, the better!! It's just not worth the risk. Thankfully I have a great support system. Jacob has stepped up and is doing all of the housework and cooking after working all day! And our family is checking in and making sure I have someone here to keep me company during the day. I'm very blessed!!!

For now, I'm resting, resting, and resting! Thank you for your continued prayers and support!!