Emotion...

I haven't blogged much lately and it's mostly because I've had a hard time putting into words exactly how it is I'm feeling. I'm completely overwhelmed with emotion, but grasping to explain how I really feel.

In just 8 short days we'll be welcoming Emersyn Kate into the world. I have a c-section scheduled for Thursday April 26th. I'm so excited that I can hardly contain myself, and yet at the same time, I'm having a hard time making myself believe that it will really happen. It's almost unreal to me that we'll really be bringing our baby home.

In addition, there are moments that the fear and anxiety are completely paralyzing. I can't even explain how crippling the fear can be. I've prayed so much lately for God's peace! As crazy as it sounds, there have also been many moments when I'm not necessarily feeling scared, but I find myself looking around the room and thinking of the things I'll need to "hide away" if something goes wrong and we don't get to bring Emmy home. It's almost matter-of-fact, my mind just goes to "Did we keep the box for that so I can put it up if I need to? Will I take the nursery completely apart or just shut the door?" I feel like a crazy person that I could even think that way!!! And yet, it's the reality of where I've been.

Other times, I've found myself just sitting down and crying. I'm not even sure if I'm crying tears of sadness, anxiety, joy, hormones! or a little bit of each. I miss Kinley so much and being pregnant and preparing to bring a baby home makes it more real that I didn't get to do all of this with her. I also watch Brenna and Bristol talking to my tummy and kissing it and getting so excited about meeting her, and it sometimes sends a shooting pain in my heart because I realize that Emersyn "should" have a big sister here anxiously preparing for her arrival. Of course, I know that she really shouldn't be here, that was never the plan for her life. God had bigger things in store for her than I even realized. But that doesn't change the fact that I wish I could watch her with her baby sister.

It's compounded by the fact that I've been asked the innocent and yet painful question "Is this your first?" at least a hundred times throughout the pregnancy. How is a Mommy whose baby has passed away suppose to answer that question? Sometimes the situation just doesn't lend itself to an explanation and I just nod my head yes and walk away. Then I inevitably feel guilty that I didn't even mention Kinley. Sometimes I just say no and leave it at that. But most often, I give the same response "No, we had a daughter that was stillborn, but this is the first that we'll get to bring home." Then I see the look on the other persons face and feel bad for making the person feel uncomfortable! It's really an impossible question to answer "right"!!!

As I write this today, no matter how much I miss McKinley, I have an overwhelming assurance that this was all part of God's plan for her life. As we celebrate Emersyn and all the focus seems to be on her, I still see how God is using Kinley. We were so very blessed to have a maternity shoot recently with about 20 photographers from P31. We got some amazing pictures and I have no clue how I'll choose favorites. And in the midst of celebrating my pregnancy, I also got to share our testimony. I've heard from many of the women who were touched by Kinley's story in some way. It makes me so proud to be know that she's still reaching people and it's so humbling to know that God chose me to carry her and be the one who gets to share her short life with others.

Here are some of the amazing photos we got...

Taken by Kristy Walters

I probably won't post again until after Emersyn has arrived. Thank you all so much for your thoughts, prayers, and kind words throughout this pregnancy. We serve such an amazing God! A God who has conquered death, infertility, and doctor's reports!