Blessed Beyond the Exhaustion...

***I wrote this several weeks ago on an especially exhausting night and it came to mind tonight on another exhausting night, when I snapped at my two-year old and my husband, and my back is killing me from throwing it out hand-mopping my floors, and my stomach is rumbling and starving but the thought of eating makes me want to run to the bathroom to vomit! So I thought I'd share because maybe someone else is exhausted and BLESSED today too...

Tonight is one of those nights as a mom. One of THOSE nights. After saying to Emmy at least ten times to please sit still, my stomach literally could not take her wiggling and climbing any longer...I nearly catapulted from the recliner and into the bathroom where I started vomiting. It wasn't her fault at all of course. You could more easily blame it on her youngest sibling, a mere 7 weeks old and wreaking complete havoc on my newly pregnant (again) body.

Unfortunately, Emmy has been battling fear at bedtime. And so, the vomiting episode moments before bedtime only made for an even more dramatic bedtime. Luckily her daddy pried her away from me with the promise of spraying monster spray in all corners of the room before she had to climb into bed. So she pointed out where the monsters were lurking, he sprayed away, and I brushed my teeth even though I knew it was probably pointless and I'd be right back with my head in the toilet any minute.

We managed a few quiet moments to watch some tv together and Jacob fell asleep. Laying in bed listening to the cough of my sweet Alex made me brave the idea of moving, and possibly bringing on another rendezvous with the toilet, to go and check on her. She was snoring away, snot crusted to her face, but her teddy bear snuggled close and her little eyes closed tightly. I peeked quickly at Emmy to find she had wet the bed. Stripped sheets, washed her up, changed her pjs, got new sheets, kissed her sweet little face again, and headed back to my room.

After throwing up once more, I climbed back into bed. And I realized that I've never been more exhausted or happy in my entire life. Amidst this chaos, I know deep in my heart that I'm living my dream. It's the dream I had when I buried my first baby and then struggled to get pregnant with Emmy. It's the dream I had for so many long months but was scared to admit because I wasn't sure it would ever really come true. God has truly blessed me beyond what I could imagine!!! I can't explain the love I have for the 2-yr-old, suddenly scared of bed, always lively and often exhausting bundle of pure joy, or the chronically coughing, sweet as pure sugar and incredibly picky little 1 yr-old doll, or even the new little miracle, who has only been a reality to me for a few weeks, but who consumed my whole heart with the sound of that tiny little heart beating away. I couldn't explain it if I tried. But I don't have to, if you're a mom, you know. Every single part of this exhausting night was part of a dream that I was scared to even dream.

Reality...

***I wrote this several nights ago and hadn't felt like it was the right time to post it.  For some reason, today in the midst of trying to clean my house and keep both Bristol and (a now walking!) Emmy both alive, I felt like I needed to log in and post this.  Maybe someone needs it today....***


 If you have never experienced the loss of a child you probably won't understand this. You'll probably think I'm crazy. But if you have, I hope that it helps you to realize that you're not crazy. I'm writing this because I want someone to know that they're not the only person that feels this way or has these thoughts. So if you finish reading this and think I'm a complete nutball, that's fine, I wasn't writing it for you anyway! :-)

Here are some of the things that I'm plagued with because of experiencing a stillbirth...

On the day of my ultrasound a few weeks ago, I stood in the kitchen washing dishes and thinking about how I should clean the house up because if something was wrong or if my baby was dead, there would be people coming into the house and I wouldn't feel like cleaning up then. It should at least be presentable just in case...

On appointment days I think about if I really want to wear those clothes because if something happens, I won't ever be able to wear them again without thinking of the bad.  I remember exactly what I was wearing the day we found out Kinley was gone. I cry when I come across it in the bin of maternity clothes.  I don't wear my favorites to the doctor any more.

When working on pictures for Emmy's slideshow for her birthday, I seriously considered removing the picture in her 'Big Sis' shirt because if this baby dies that one picture will forever haunt me in the midst of what should be Emmy's video.

When visiting Kinley's grave I sometimes get a panic attack about how many more babies have been buried there, not only because I hurt for those families, but because the available plots are getting further and further away from Kinley, in case I ever need to bury another baby. Should I have purchased the one next to her just in case?

When I find out about people being pregnant, I sometimes feel afraid for them before I feel excited for them. Often my first thought is, 'Oh God, please don't let them go through what I've been through!'

I'm not crazy. I'm not twisted. I'm not morbid. I'm just forever changed. I'm scarred. I don't have to imagine the worst, because I lived the worst. And I live in fear that I'll live it again. I'm scared to pray for God's will because I'm afraid that His will might be that it happen to me again.

I've read all of the scriptures on fear. Trust me, I've looked them up! I don't need to be told that God has not given me a spirit of fear...

It's kind of like when I fell off the monkey bars as a kid and broke my arm...I never forgot that feeling.  Even after the cast was gone, I still wasn't sure about getting back up on those bars again.  I did get back up, but I was always cautious about it.  And I always had the thought that the worst could happen in the back of my mind.  Before that day, it had never crossed my mind! But after it happened, it could never be erased.  It didn't keep me from being a kid, it didn't cause me to live my life in fear, but it did give me pause.  The thoughts of falling still randomly crossed my mind with no warning.

I know that's a silly analogy, but you get the point.  I am forever changed by Kinley and by her pregnancy.  One thing that will never be the same for me is another pregnancy.  I wish I could blindly glide through my pregnancy with excitement and joy and never even consider something being wrong.  I did that with most of Kinley's pregnancy!  But that is no longer my reality. My reality now is that I know the worst and those thoughts are forever popping into my mind with no warning. 

The key for me is not to dwell there.  That's not easy, but it's possible! I say a lot of quick prayers for peace!  I recite those scriptures that are engrained in my head!  And I remember that even though I would NEVER want to experience it again, I did survive losing Kinley.  And if God called me to do it again, He would walk me through it again and I would survive.  And just like I did last time, I'd come out on the other side a better person...more eternally minded, more aware of what's really important in life, less concerned with being who people want me to be and more concerned with being exactly what God has called me to be!

Wait, What Did You Just Say??

Two years ago this week, I had a horrible appointment with my fertility doctor.  I felt like the bottom had dropped out of my life and I wasn't sure I would ever find my footing again.  You can read the post here ...

Basically, the doctor said doing another IUI would be a waste of money.  My body wouldn't respond to the medicine, which means that doing IVF was also basically a waste of money.  He said I "might" have a 20% chance of IVF working, but for the amount of money it would cost, that would be very risky.  He basically suggested that I stay on a low dose of medicine for the rest of my life and "hope" that someday it works.  He gave me about a 5% chance of ever having another child.  Ouch!

I was crushed beyond belief, I was confused, I was angry, most of all I was hurt.  Why would God give me this deep desire to be a Mommy and then not let it be fulfilled?  I remember having a conversation with my Mom and then hanging up and realizing that I was losing hope.  I had told her that I felt like maybe I had misunderstood what God had promised me and that maybe getting pregnant wasn't ever in the cards for me again.

That was 2 years ago....fast forward....

Today I type this email with THE sweetest baby girl sleeping peacefully in the next room.  God not only fulfilled His promise, but he fulfilled every dream I had for my baby.  I love my Emmy Kate so much! I prayed the entire pregnancy for a baby "filled with joy, that will bring joy to others", and WOW is she ever a bundle of joy!!  As if that joy isn't enough....

Today I also sit here with another little miracle growing away inside of me!! Yep, you read that right, we're expecting another baby!!!! I'm 8 weeks pregnant.  We'll be welcoming the newest member to the Crum family at the end of September.

Jacob and I are thrilled beyond belief and so thankful to God for His miracles, His healing, and the life that He has given.  Although we were technically "trying" to get pregnant, we definitely did not expect it to happen as quickly as it did!  In fact, I didn't feel like we were really trying yet at all!

Because it took 2 years with Emersyn and because the diagnosis I was given made time very important, we knew we would want to start trying to have another baby soon.  We expected another long journey!  I went on a very low dose of medicine (half of the dose I took to get pregnant with Em).  I had told the doctor we would start the medicine to "get my body back in the habit" of trying. After spring break, we would talk about adding the follicle scan and shot to make me ovulate.  BUT, God had bigger plans, and I got pregnant the very first month!!!

We are shocked and excited! I'm also just as nervous as I was last time!  We appreciate your prayers for a smooth pregnancy and another healthy baby!

Merry Christmas...a little late!

I'm a little late, but Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!!!

Believe in Christmas Religious

Create from the Heart: photo Christmas cards from Shutterfly .

View the entire collection of cards.

Joy...

Romans 12:12  Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.

I don't think we've always done this effectively.  I know there were days that my patience in the affliction had run pretty thin!! There were definitely days when I had a hard time even seeing any hope, let alone, being joyful in that hope.  But I did read this scripture a lot, and I did strive for it.  And through finding out that Kinley was gone, burying her, moving away, struggling to get pregnant again, and even being told it was unlikely, if not impossible, for us to get pregnant....one thing is true, Jacob and I remained faithful in prayer.

And God heard our prayers.....

Psalm 37:4 Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of you heart.

Psalm 30:5 Weeping may last for the night, but joy comes in the morning....

Wow is this child ever a testament to God's faithfulness!! She is a complete joy!!  I can't believe she's almost 6 months old.  She has filled every single day of the last 5 1/2 months with smiles, hugs, kisses, and laughs.  Jacob looked at me one day and asked if I could look at her without smiling....very rarely!  We're totally smitten and completely overwhelmed with love for our beautiful Emersyn Kate!

Goodbye September...we'll meet again next year!

I love when the calendar changes to October...it feels like I can breathe again.  Like I've been holding my breath the entire month of September and suddenly I realize that it's October and I gasp for air.  And I always wonder how many more years it will feel like that.

I survived another September and there are some things that never change, some that I did differently, and some things I didn't do at all this year.

I did...
- Hold my Emmy a little bit tighter remembering what a miracle it is to have her!
I did not...
- Worry that I would never have a baby to "mother".  God has replaced that fear with the joy of even just one baby to raise!!! Of course, we'd love to have more, but for now, I'm thrilled with our one blessing!

I did...
- Find myself late in the night one night, getting Emmy out of her crib, sinking down to the floor, holding her, and sobbing at what WE had lost.  Because she lost out too.
I did not...
- Do it every night...just once.  I resisted the urge to sit up all night holding her.

I did...
- Visit Kinley's gravesite on her birthday, let balloons go, spend a little bit of time curled up under my covers sobbing, and think about her all day.
I did not...
- Visit her gravesite daily.  I didn't feel the need to be 'there' for her.  She doesn't NEED me to dwell on spending my time there, to make myself crazy, to worry about her.  Emersyn does need me to care for her.

I did...
- Remember!
I did not...
- Pull out all of the cards, letters, and keepsakes in order to relive every moment.

I did...
- Feel in some ways like this year was harder than last year.  I think that's because before part of what I was mourning was getting to actually be a mommy.  Now that I have Emmy I know exactly what I missed out on with Kinley and that hurts.
I did not...
- Feel like Emersyn at all replaced Kinley!!!

I don't know if I did the right things or the wrong things, I don't know if I grieved "normally".  I know that it still hurts incredibly and that I would give almost anything to change it and have her back.  I know that I love her so much and she'll ALWAYS be my first born.  And I also know that it feels natural to do things a little different each year.  It felt right this year to grieve exactly how I did.  I didn't feel the need to do any more or any less to remember Kinley.  All that I can do is what seems right to me.

Just Enough Strength...Again

I've been a huge blogging slacker...

The truth is that I've thought about sitting down to write a blog at least a hundred times over the last several months, but I can't make myself do it.  I'd like to say that it's because I'm so busy with Emersyn that I don't have time, and that's partially true.  But honestly, I have time to watch Big Brother....THREE times a week, so I probably have time to blog too!

The truth is, I haven't known quite what to say.  In all honesty, I'm walking in an overwhelming amount of joy every day ... so why not just say that?? Because the moment I start to, I also feel an overwhelming amount of guilt.  I know that's silly, but this blog has always been dedicated to my feelings about losing Kinley, and the joy of having Emmy is completely separate from that.  It's difficult for me to convince myself that I don't need to feel guilty about being happy.

I feel like it's almost impossible to explain how I could have two completely opposite feelings at the exact same time.  I'm overjoyed with being a Mommy to Emmy.  I love it so much that I can barely breathe sometimes!! But if I acted for one minute like that makes the pain of losing Kinley any less I would be lying.  I'm full of joy and yet still somehow full of hurt.

I don't miss her any less today than I did at any moment in the last three years.  I will admit that I'm more busy now, so I have less time to really sit and think about it.  That makes it seem sometimes like it hurts less, but in reality, the moment she crosses my mind, the same feelings rise up.

There's a place in my heart for Kinley and Emmy doesn't fill that space.  She fills up a completely different space in my heart.  And that space is overflowing!  But still the 'hole' of losing Kinley is there.  I wouldn't want her to fill it really and I couldn't ask her too.  It's not her job to replace her sister or to heal my heart.

I feel many days like people expect me to be "over it".  For some people, I think the natural thought is... 'she wanted a baby and now she has one, so she should be fine'.  Imagine though, if you had all of your children except for one.  If that one child was missing from your family, would having another one make that okay?

I love being a Mommy and I'm taking every opportunity to enjoy my Emmy Kate.  I spend almost 24 hours a day 7 days a week completely engulfed in caring for her.  I rarely spend a moment away from her and I still feel like I can't get enough of her!!! I wouldn't have it any other way.  I'm not letting the fact that I don't have Kinley in any way put a damper on what I have with Emmy.  But I still miss her so incredibly much.  I still feel like there's a huge weight on my heart.  I still feel like I'm carrying a burden that just isn't fair.  And I still want her back!  I know that's not the plan that God had for us, but it doesn't change that one of my deepest desires is to have her here.

I wish so desperately that I could see Kinley with Emmy.  I would give anything to be able to watch her kiss her sister, hold her, and love her.  Watching Bristol with Em has been so much fun for me, and every once in awhile I find myself watching her talk to Emmy and out of nowhere it stings.  I would give almost anything to get to see them together and I know that one day I will.

I guess I'm not really sure where I'm going with this post.  I just wanted to honestly say where I've been for the past few months.  I've been absent from blogging because I had no way to really make sense of what I was feeling.  But I think it's time to come back to honestly sharing my days with you, both the joy and the hurt!

Tomorrow will be 3 years since the absolute worst day of my life.  Three years ago tomorrow, we heard the words "we can't find a heartbeat".  My life has changed so much in three years.  I am stronger and yet I'm more vulnerable.  I am happier and yet I know the fullest depths of hurt.  I have learned how to depend on God more, because I had to, and I've seen Him come through for me so many times.  I'm no more of a Mommy today than I was on that day, but now I'm getting to 'mother' one of the babies that God has given to me.

I could use your prayers over the next few days.  God has done so much healing in my heart, but I still have so much left to do.  I'm desperately seeking His peace and asking Him to carry me through the next few days, like He's done so many times before.  Tomorrow will be hard and so will Kinley's birthday on Monday, but for now I'm once again asking God for "just enough strength to get through today."

Emmy Rolling Over!

I have to share Emmy's video from this morning.  She was having tummy time and started completely on her belly looking in her little mirror.  But she decided she's ready to roll over!!  I missed the beginning because I had to grab the camera, but I caught the last half of the roll. Don't mind the screaming...she was getting frustrated that she couldn't get her legs over! :)

Gosh I Love This Baby Girl...

I know I haven't posted much, okay at all!  But I'm so busy being so completely consumed by this beautiful little lady!!!!  I am loving  being a Mommy that gets to mommy her baby!  And I just had to share our morning with you...

A few weeks ago I decided to start attending a "Stroller Blast" exercise class.  As it turns out, I love it and Emmy HATES it!! She's not a big fan of the car seat or stroller and she screams the whole time. I just can't bring myself to torture her.  But yesterday at the pool she hung out in her stroller for a long time and was happy and this morning she woke up in such a good mood...

Listen closely at the end of this one and you may see where my morning is headed...

So I decided to give the class a try. We were all set to go, my shoes were on, the bag was ready, all I needed to do was dress Emersyn and head out the door.  As I'm carrying her around, I look down and notice this...

At least she's still happy...

Yes it was everywhere, yes it was out the back too, yes it was in her belly button, yes it was on me!!

To the bath we went...

After being bathed, lotioned, and dressed, she looked cute, but she was TICKED!

She was so mad that she had to nurse to calm herself down, after all, her belly was now empty! 

(I'll spare you the nursing pic!) :)

So after all that, we were too late to get to stroller blast...but I'm not complaining...

And she's still the cutest thing on the face of the earth...

And to think, this is what I prayed and prayed for!! This is the life I dreamed of and my hearts truest desire! :) And I love every single moment of it, even the 'crappy' ones!  I'm so incredibly, head-over-heels, in love with this baby girl!!  She just melts my heart!

And as I finish typing this blog, I sit here, literally in tears....not because I'm tired or because the morning was rough (honestly it didn't shake me a bit).  I'm crying because I'm so blessed to even have this opportunity.  I'm crying because my prayers were answered.  I'm crying because I'm writing a blog about my baby girl and gazing at her in her swing across the room and I can't even believe that she's here and that she's so perfect and wonderful!!!  Thank you God for answering the prayers of so many. 

The Arrival of Emersyn Kate

Just in case anyone missed the big announcement, Emersyn Kate made her arrival on April 26th at 8:13 am!  She is absolutely perfect and we are totally smitten with her!! She weighed 6 pounds 9 ounces and was 19 inches long.

The day of her birth was filled with all sorts of emotion!  I can't put into words all the feelings that I had.  I was nervous, sad that Kinley wasn't there, anxious, excited, scared, and abundantly happy.

We were super blessed to have a photographer with us on the day of her birth.  Rachel Richard is a friend of mine from childhood and came to share in the day and document it for us.  She did an amazing job capturing all of the emotion of the day and documenting each moment.

Here is the video she created of Emmy's big day...




If you are in the central Indiana region, I would highly suggest you think about Rachel for your next photo shoot.  She is amazingly good at what she does!!!

Emotion...

I haven't blogged much lately and it's mostly because I've had a hard time putting into words exactly how it is I'm feeling. I'm completely overwhelmed with emotion, but grasping to explain how I really feel.

In just 8 short days we'll be welcoming Emersyn Kate into the world. I have a c-section scheduled for Thursday April 26th. I'm so excited that I can hardly contain myself, and yet at the same time, I'm having a hard time making myself believe that it will really happen. It's almost unreal to me that we'll really be bringing our baby home.

In addition, there are moments that the fear and anxiety are completely paralyzing. I can't even explain how crippling the fear can be. I've prayed so much lately for God's peace! As crazy as it sounds, there have also been many moments when I'm not necessarily feeling scared, but I find myself looking around the room and thinking of the things I'll need to "hide away" if something goes wrong and we don't get to bring Emmy home. It's almost matter-of-fact, my mind just goes to "Did we keep the box for that so I can put it up if I need to? Will I take the nursery completely apart or just shut the door?" I feel like a crazy person that I could even think that way!!! And yet, it's the reality of where I've been.

Other times, I've found myself just sitting down and crying. I'm not even sure if I'm crying tears of sadness, anxiety, joy, hormones! or a little bit of each. I miss Kinley so much and being pregnant and preparing to bring a baby home makes it more real that I didn't get to do all of this with her. I also watch Brenna and Bristol talking to my tummy and kissing it and getting so excited about meeting her, and it sometimes sends a shooting pain in my heart because I realize that Emersyn "should" have a big sister here anxiously preparing for her arrival. Of course, I know that she really shouldn't be here, that was never the plan for her life. God had bigger things in store for her than I even realized. But that doesn't change the fact that I wish I could watch her with her baby sister.

It's compounded by the fact that I've been asked the innocent and yet painful question "Is this your first?" at least a hundred times throughout the pregnancy. How is a Mommy whose baby has passed away suppose to answer that question? Sometimes the situation just doesn't lend itself to an explanation and I just nod my head yes and walk away. Then I inevitably feel guilty that I didn't even mention Kinley. Sometimes I just say no and leave it at that. But most often, I give the same response "No, we had a daughter that was stillborn, but this is the first that we'll get to bring home." Then I see the look on the other persons face and feel bad for making the person feel uncomfortable! It's really an impossible question to answer "right"!!!

As I write this today, no matter how much I miss McKinley, I have an overwhelming assurance that this was all part of God's plan for her life. As we celebrate Emersyn and all the focus seems to be on her, I still see how God is using Kinley. We were so very blessed to have a maternity shoot recently with about 20 photographers from P31. We got some amazing pictures and I have no clue how I'll choose favorites. And in the midst of celebrating my pregnancy, I also got to share our testimony. I've heard from many of the women who were touched by Kinley's story in some way. It makes me so proud to be know that she's still reaching people and it's so humbling to know that God chose me to carry her and be the one who gets to share her short life with others.

Here are some of the amazing photos we got...

Taken by Kristy Walters

I probably won't post again until after Emersyn has arrived. Thank you all so much for your thoughts, prayers, and kind words throughout this pregnancy. We serve such an amazing God! A God who has conquered death, infertility, and doctor's reports!

Appointment Update

In case you missed the link on my facebook page, you can access my message from last Sunday at the Covington First Assembly website. Just click here to listen to the message and view the slideshow.

Also, thank you so much for your prayers this past week. My appointment this week went very well! I'm feeling better than I've felt in the past couple of months and Emersyn is growing and doing well!

I had hoped all along that I would be able to go with my family to Florida toward the end of March. There were times that I just figured that would be totally out of the question, but because God has answered ALL of our prayers for this pregnancy, I'm now fine to go on vacation!!! I'll fly out on a Tuesday with my sister and spend Tues-Sat in Orlando with my parents, sister, nieces, cousin Alyssa, and my brother and his girlfriend. Then on Saturday we'll all head over to the beach where we'll meet up with Jacob and his family as well as my Mom's extended family and spend a week there!

Today, I'm 29 weeks pregnant, the same day in pregnancy that Kinley was born. Every single day from now on is a day longer than I got to have with Kinley. Thank you Lord for the blessing of each and every day with her for years and years to come!!!!!

Kinley's Impact

I was blessed this past Sunday to be the guest speaker at my 'home church' in Covington. The theme was "Love Revealed" and I spoke about our testimony and how God's love was revealed to us in amazing ways, even in the midst of the most horrific circumstances. I feel truly blessed to be still getting opportunities to share Kinley's story. As a mom, I want nothing more than for her legacy to continue. It's such a a huge blessing to see that her little life is still making an impact on people and most importantly for the kingdom of God. I couldn't be a more proud mommy!!

Lots of people asked if I was nervous, and I really wasn't. To be honest, I was much more nervous writing the message then I was delivering it. In preparation for what to say, I just wanted to make sure I was in line with God's will for the message. Once the message was ready, delivering it really wasn't difficult or nerve wracking at all. I guess I don't have a fear of public speaking! :) Maybe I've found my true calling... ;)

On a completely different note, I'm missing my Kinley so badly today!!! This is such a hard time in the pregnancy for me. I was 28 weeks the day that I quit feeling Kinley move. I passed that milestone last Friday. Tomorrow, however, is the exact day of pregnancy that I went into the office and found out that Kinley was gone. To make matters worse, I have an appointment tomorrow!! AND, with Kinley, I went in to take the glucose test that day. I drank the orange drink, then went in for my appt. I never made it to the blood draw because the ultrasound revealed that there was no heartbeat. Tomorrow, I go in for my glucose test as well.

Although there is a level of fear there, just like there has been through the entire pregnancy, that's really not the hardest part of it for me. I really do believe with all my heart that this pregnancy and Emersyn are in God's hands. It's really much more difficult for me that it just brings back all the emotion of that time. I'm reliving those feelings and replaying those days in my mind. And in short, I just miss her so much! Even knowing the impact that she's had on people and the way that she's changed me for the better, I still just wish I had her here with me. No matter how much good comes from her life, I still would selfishly rather just be her mommy and get to hold her everyday!!

Please just be in prayer with me tomorrow that things go smoothly at the appointment and that I'm able to focus on the blessing that Emmy is and not be totally consumed by the hurt and fear!!

Update!!

Update after seeing the doctor...

Everything actually looked really good. My cervix is still closed and hasn't made any changes. However, it looked irritated. They also did an ultrasound and it didn't show any reason for the bleeding in my uterus and also showed that my cervix looked good. (And of course, as always, little Miss Emersyn was active and looked great!!)

They believe that there is some sort of infection maybe that's causing my cervix to be irritated. The irritated cervix is then bleeding and also causing my uterus to contract. They did a swab to check for infection or a reason for the irritation. Basically, at this point it looks like my body is NOT trying to go into labor, which is a great thing!!! I'm going to quit taking the procardia since the contractions are not changing my cervix anyway. Then if we need it later on we'll have it as an option.

I'll continue to stay on restricted activity until I see the doctor again on Monday. Hopefully this will give some time for my cervix to "calm down". Once that happens both the bleeding and contractions should stop! Praise God!!!

Rest, Rest, Rest

First, this post is long overdue, I don't really know why it's taken me so long to write another blog entry. I really don't have any excuses!

It has been a very emotional and scary few days for us. I spent some time in the hospital and have been put on restricted activity at home for now, but let me start from the beginning.

Actually, the complications started a little over a month ago. I wasn't having any major problems and Emerysn looked great at all my appointments, but my blood pressure had started to go up and my urine was showing a trace of protein. Although I knew they were being very careful with me, it made me nervous to have blood pressure issues starting as early as 20-21 weeks. I had decided to "cut back" on some of my responsibilities and actually quit my 6-hour a week preschool job in hopes that I could rest more and hopefully my blood pressure would drop and I would avoid any mandated bed rest or restrictions.

So I've been spending a lot of time resting the past couple weeks. On Saturday, Jacob started painting Emmy's nursery, so I did a little work cleaning out a closet and moving some of Brenna and Bristol's toys. I was excited to be getting the nursery ready, but it also made me very uneasy. I never got to that point with Kinley and was actually relieved when I didn't have a fully decorated nursery with no baby to bring home to it. In addition, I have my first baby shower this weekend. My first shower with Kinley was scheduled for the weekend right after I delivered her, instead I spent that weekend planning her funeral.

I've been feeling a very strange mix of emotions. I'm excited to get to do the things I never got to do for Kinley, but also scary to do them. It also makes me realize how much I missed out on with her and makes me feel a mix of guilt, anger, and hurt that I didn't get to experience this with her. In addition, the bigger my belly gets and the closer it comes to Emersyn's arrival, the more I deeply miss Kinley.

Saturday night I started feeling crampy and was having some lower back pain. I was 25 weeks pregnant on Friday, by the way. We had planned to go hang out with some friends, but canceled because we were both tired from the day's activities and although I didn't say anything, I really wasn't feeling great. I went to bed assuming that the cramping and pain was from the work I had done on the closet.

Sunday morning I woke up to get ready for church and went in to the bathroom to find that I had started bleeding. I decided to go back to bed and skip the 9:00 service to rest. Once in bed, I realized that I was also still having the cramping and decided to text my doctor. He texted back that he was out of town, but I needed to head to the hospital.

By the time we left for the hospital, I noticed that I was also contracting at a fairly regular rate. They weren't painful contractions, mostly just tightening. I spent the morning being monitored and was eventually sent back home. When I left the hospital I was contracting every 2-3 minutes but they were only lasting about 30-40 seconds at a time. The bleeding had also stopped. I was told to take it easy through the evening, drink a lot of water, and follow up with my doctor.

By the time I got home, I was bleeding again and took to my recliner for the rest of the night! I bled off and on through the day and it had picked up a little when I went to bed, but I decided to rest and see how the night went. Dr. Hoversland had been checking in throughout the day via text and said to go back to the hospital if the bleeding continued or if the contractions changed at all. I woke up about 1:30 and knew that the contractions had changed. I was feeling very uncomfortable. My lower back was hurting more and although the contractions weren't hurting they felt much stronger and were lasting a little longer. I called the doctor on call and headed back to the hospital.

This time I was admitted to be monitored. My contractions were fairly irregular, but I had a few stretches of time where they were coming every few minutes and lasting 90 seconds. After one of those stretches of time, they decided to start me on procardia to stop the contractions. Although it didn't seem to work for awhile, it did eventually slow the contractions down. They also did a fetal fibronectin test. This is a test that is used to predict if you would go into active labor within the next 2 weeks. Thankfully, this test was negative! In addition, my cervix had remained closed and thick, but was very soft.

Although I was still contracting every 5-10 minutes and some of them had actually become quite strong and even painful, they had slowed down and the medicine seemed to be helping. So I was given another dose of medication and a prescription for procardia and sent home on restricted activity. The bleeding has continued off and on and yesterday I contracted about 3-4 times an hour throughout the day. Last night, I felt like that had probably slowed down some more.

I'll be seeing my own doctor today to make a plan for the next several weeks. Although I'm relieved that the test showed I was not likely to deliver in the next two weeks, I also don't feel "out of the woods" since 2 weeks is not nearly long enough! Any contractions at all at this point are scary to me and any change in my cervix makes me nervous. I'm hoping today that I'll get a better idea of how we can stop the contractions completely and get this pregnancy to full term despite the contractions and changes in my body.

In the meantime, I'm really treating the restricted activity as bed rest and getting up as little as possible. For me, the safer I can possibly be, the better!! It's just not worth the risk. Thankfully I have a great support system. Jacob has stepped up and is doing all of the housework and cooking after working all day! And our family is checking in and making sure I have someone here to keep me company during the day. I'm very blessed!!!

For now, I'm resting, resting, and resting! Thank you for your continued prayers and support!!

A Look At 2011

It's been a very BIG year for Jacob and I! Each month has held it's own challenges, surprises, and blessings. Here's a look back at our year....

January held another failed attempt at fertility and an increase in my injectable meds. I was taking 5 shots a day!! In the end, it failed yet again!

February brought about some devastating news from our doctor. February was the month that we were basically told that IVF was not a good option for us and getting pregnant was unlikely. The doctor suggested we not try any more attempts at IUI and probably not waste the time or money on IVF either....ouch!!

In March, we took our annual Florida trip, which is always one of my highlights of the year (although this year it was overshadowed a few times!) It was beautiful, relaxing, and fun. However, in the midst of it all, I suffered a miscarriage in Florida. It was a very early miscarriage and I had barely taken a test when I started spotting. Still, it hurt....yet, I had a become pregnant! It gave me just enough hope to keep hoping!

My brother Zack, my Mom, Me, and my sister Megan

Jacob's sister Leah, sister Sarah, and Jacob

My handsome hubby and I

In April, our year really started to turn around, we found out we were expecting a new niece or nephew this year. Jacob and I were thrilled to welcome a new little one, and yet there was that aching pain in my heart, "will it ever be me???"

In May, we found out we were moving HOME!!! What an unexpected blessing that was! We had geared ourselves up for at least another year or two in Knoxville, but God had a bigger plan for our year and He knew that we would need to spend this one celebrating at home with our family! Back to Indiana!!

In June, we adjusted to life Lafayette, did some house hunting, spent lots of time with friends and family, and had an appointment to see my regular OB, deciding to hold off on a fertility doctor until we were better settled. We had decided to see a fertility specialist and meet with an adoption agency once we were settled in our new home and things had "calmed" down!

July brought about another new medicine. It was just a low-dose medicine that works very similar to Clomid. We hadn't tried Femara yet and hoped it might work a little better for me, but were really just trying to get through until we could move on to something else. In the first month, on the new medicine, I miscarried again. But maybe that was a sign that it was working? We also bought our house!!

August was a huge month for us, we moved into our new home at the beginning of the month, after Jacob put lots of work into new flooring and paint! Our second month of the new medicine failed, but I did have two good follicles, which was huge considering I had rarely gotten that even on high doses of medicine! I also decided to go back to teaching part-time.

September was my favorite month of the year....ironic since it's the month of Kinley's birthday and is usually one of my hardest months. However, on September 8th, I found out I was PREGNANT!! On the 10th, we shared that with our immediate family. Then we kept our mouths shut (mostly!) for the next couple of weeks! On Kinley's birthday, the 24th, we let the cat out of the bag and shared our big news with the rest of our family and friends!!!

October and November were filled with all things pregnancy related! I threw up throughout most of October! By the end of the month, I felt my first little baby flutters! We also got to celebrate Bristol's 1st birthday and Brenna's 5th in October!! By November, I was feeling better and feeling lots of movement! On November 28th, we heard those blessed words "It's a GIRL!!!"

If September was my favorite month, December is a close second. First, we got the "bad" news that there appeared to be some abnormalities in Emersyn's ultrasound. Then we prayed and were joined in prayer by literally thousands of people!!! WOW! Then we got the "good" news, that God had seen fit to give us a perfectly healthy and whole baby girl!!! Then to top the month off, we welcomed our first little nephew, Benjamin, on Christmas Eve. And if he isn't perfect, I don't know what is!!!!

Update on Emersyn!

I can't even begin to describe how much love we have felt over the past week. I have been shocked to tears at the amount of support that so many of you have shown us!!! I truly believe that one of the (many) reasons for this new trial in our life was to show us the overwhelming amount of support that we have from family, friends, and complete strangers!

My appointment with the specialist was Tuesday afternoon. I really expected myself to be much more nervous than I was. The teachers at school prayed with me in the morning and little Emersyn kicked throughout the prayer! I felt totally at peace in those moments. I heard from so many friends who were praying and I could definitely feel that! Of course, by the time I got to the appointment, I was nearly shaking with nerves. I felt like my insides were quaking.

The ultrasound tech was super sweet and was a complete blessing to us. She explained why we were there, what they were looking for, and everything she saw on the ultrasound. She literally started at Emmy's toes and worked all the way up to the top of her head, measuring everything and checking every organ. The further she moved up her body, the more I began to feel at peace. Many of the signs of genetic disorders that I knew they were checking just weren't there. When she got to the bowels, she just didn't see the problem that they had seen at my OB office. Although slightly "bright", she said she doubted that the bowels could even be called"echogenic". I fully believe God healed her bowels before we got there. In addition, the spot on the heart, while still there, just didn't appear to be a problem. She examined every part of her heart and it was functioning perfectly!!! From head to toes, Emmy appeared to be perfect!

She left the room to get the doctor. When Dr. Sumners went over the ultrasound, he had the same opinion as the ultrasound tech. He said the bowels were "perfectly normal baby bowels"! And he watched her heart for a long time and said that he just couldn't call it a deformity or a problem. To him, it just looked like the muscle in her heart was echoing back a little. He said she had a structurally normal brain and that there would probably come a day when we would doubt that! :) They were also both very excited to get a really good shot of Emersyn's hand all spread open. The doctor explained that many times, babies who are born with birth defects can't open their hand fully. This was just God's extra little sign for us that she was perfect and whole!! Before leaving, he said there was no need to see a genetic counselor or to come back for a follow-up! Our prayers could not possibly have been answered any more fully!!!

I'm not sure why things happened like they did or why we had the scare with little Emmy, but I know that I already see ways that God has worked through it.

1 - They checked every inch of our little miracle's body and couldn't find any reason for concern. That sure eases a Momma's mind and makes it easier to enjoy the remainder of the pregnancy. Anyone who has had a pregnancy after loss understands how sweet that peace of mind can be. Even when I catch myself starting to worry a little, I stop myself and think "What can you possibly worry about? She's perfectly healthy and God is watching out for her!"

2 - We were shown a tremendous amount of love and support from hundreds of people. The total number of read from my last blog post was close to 2,000. That's just amazing! We were given a glimpse of just how blessed we are and how loved our little Emmy is already!!!

3 - Many more people read Kinley's story because of Emmy. So many people found my blog through other friends and then went back to read the rest of our journey and I can't help but think that part of this trial was for others to see how faithful God is by using Kinley's story once again!

4 - We faced another trial and our faith still stood firm. Each time that Satan tries to throw something in our path to trip us up, he fails! God has another victory!!

5 - I was told by people that had never really fasted and prayed for something before that they would be fasting with us. What an amazing way to lead people to the miracle worker!!!!

Thank you all so much for your prayers, comments, and messages!!!! We are abundantly blessed!!!!!!

Her sweet little open hand!

Little foot!

Emersyn Kate!

Prayers for Emmy

Emersyn's testimony began so very long ago. She's a rainbow baby, our sign of God's promise to us after the storm. She's a miracle from the very beginning. There's no good medical reason why I suddenly got pregnant on a low-dose medicine when so many other treatments had failed. We knew right away that God had big plans for our little lady. We never dreamed that we would endure another trial before we get to hold her in our arms...

On Thursday, we had our "big" ultrasound. I'd been having ultrasounds regularly, but they were done by my doctor to quickly check her progress. This ultrasound was done by the ultrasound technician and was much more in-depth. Initially, everything looked good. Because of my previous experience with ultrasound, I hold my breath until I see that little beating heart. Emmy's was beating away. She was moving around, had the hiccups, and measured right on track.

However, after the ultrasound, my doctor explained that they had found a spot on Emersyn's heart. It's called an echogenic cardiac focus. He explained that although they would normally wait 4 weeks and then re-ultrasound, I was a different case. I've been treated as a high risk patient anyway, and with my history, they wanted to refer me on to the specialist right away. In addition, they also noticed that Emersyn had echogenic bowels. Basically, her bowels show up more white than they should. The doctor explained that these two things could mean any number of things and could be a number of complications. They suggested that I see the high-risk specialist as soon as possible.

On Tuesday, I'll see Dr. Sumners in Indianapolis for a closer look at Emmy's heart and bowels. We'll also be meeting with a genetic counselor to discuss the findings and the possible causes of the abnormalities. After some research on the internet, I'm aware that both echogenic bowels and an echogenic cardiac focus are soft markers for Down Syndrome and other genetic disorders. In addition, there is still the possibility of a hole in the her heart or another cardiac issue.

Jacob and I are asking that you'll join us in praying for a COMPLETE healing for Emersyn's body. We're praying and believing that by the time we arrive at our ultrasound both issues will be completely resolved. We know that Emersyn is a miracle and that God has big plans for her and we believe that this is just another page in our testimony and hers.

I'm asking that everyone please join me in prayer for our baby girl. In addition, if you're able, please join me in fasting on Tuesday and praying for a good report from the doctor. We know that so many have already been lifting us up on a regular basis and are so thankful for all of your prayers and support!!!

Emersyn Kate!

If you read my blogs at all, you know that God has shown himself faithful to Jacob and I time and time again.

Finding out we were pregnant a few months ago was a blessing beyond any words. Of course, immediately you begin to wonder the big question....is it a girl or a boy? I was secretly harboring hopes of a baby girl. I would tell myself that I didn't care either way, but had even prayed that it would be a girl. I have a closet full of pink and frills that I was just dying to open up! I didn't want to replace Kinley, I just wanted God to restore what was lost. A large part of what was lost was all the dreams I had of a baby girl.

So today was the big day. We had a regular doctor's appointment, but because I have ultrasounds every time, I knew we'd be getting a peek at the baby. And I had asked two weeks ago for a "best guess" from the doctor. He couldn't tell then, but promised to try again today. Although he wouldn't say for 100% sure, we are 90% sure that it's a GIRL!! (This will be confirmed in two weeks at my "official" ultrasound!)

Jacob and I had gone back and forth about a few different names, and hadn't really agreed on one for sure until last night. We settled on Emersyn Kate. After my ultrasound, I posted the news on facebook and a couple of hours later, I heard from our church secretary, Vicki. The church always gives you the meaning of the baby's name, the suggested character quality, and the lifetime scripture verse. Typically, these are shared at the dedication for the baby. When we had Kinley we had Vicki look up her information and she shared it with us. We were shocked by how well it fit the situation! God had clearly been in the midst of us choosing her name. Here are her meanings...

McKinley Rebecca
Literal Meaning - "Child of the Scholarly Ruler" (My name literally means "Honorable Ruler")
Character Quality - Peaceful
Lifetime Scripture - Isaiah 11:6 "The wolf will live with the lamb, the leopard will lie down with the goat, the calf and the lion and yearling together; and a little child will lead them."

Vicki had looked Emersyn's name up today and this is what she found for our sweet baby girl...

Emersyn Kate
Meaning - "Daughter of the leader"
Character Quality - Victorious
Lifetime Scripture - Psalm 20:5 - "May we shout for joy over your victory, and in the name of our God set up our banners! May the LORD fulfill all your petitions!"

God certainly has fulfilled ALL our petitions and we are shouting for joy and giving him all the glory! It's awesome when you can see God's hand, even in a name!

Here's a sneak peek of our baby girl...

Precious beyond words!

Giving a "thumbs up"

I love that you can see her little hand!

And Mommy thinks she already looks like Daddy! :)

Flashback...a look at two years ago!

Two years ago, I was facing my first Thanksgiving after Kinley passed away. Feelings were mounting and I was having a very hard time! I thought it might be helpful to look back at that Thanksgiving. Some of you may be facing your first holiday season without your loved one, some of you may be facing your 30th! What I realized is that God has done a lot of healing in this heart of mine in the past two years.

Many of the feelings are still there and I still miss her more than words could ever describe. Reading this still opened the floodgates of my emotion. But at this point in my life, no matter how much I miss her, I KNOW that this is the plan that God had for my life. I know that He's walked every step with me and is using Kinley's story and our testimony to change lives. And I am "Truly Thankful". I'm thankful for Kinley. I'm thankful for the souls that were saved after hearing her story. I'm thankful for the lives that were changed because of "knowing" her. I'm thankful that I had her, and I'm thankful that God has her now. I'm thankful for every little morsel of healing that I've received in the past two years...every prayer, every song that I heard differently, every person who spoke a word of encouragement, every scripture that changed my perspective, every time I felt that God was holding me. I'm thankful!

Here are my words from two years ago....

Can I Truly Be Thankful?


November 26, 2009

I decided instead of writing "Happy Thanksgiving! I'm so thankful for all God has given me!", I would put a little honesty into what I was saying. So here's the thing....I know most of you woke up today and were excited to see friends and family and were thinking how much you have to be thankful for. I, however, woke up and the first thought in my mind was "What do I have to be thankful for....and NO ONE better say "HAPPY" Thanksgiving to me today. It is NOT happy!!!" I know what you're thinking, and you're right, it's a bad attitude and I'm being a brat!!

I left the house to go to Kinley's gravesite thinking that I wasn't happy and I wasn't thankful. This is not how my Thanksgiving was suppose to be. This is not what I signed up for. I didn't spend what seemed like an eternity trying to get pregnant, take fertility meds that made me feel like crap, and endure evening sickness for weeks only to have empty arms when all was said and done. I didn't imagine my life being like this.

I got to the gravesite to find that someone had stolen the Willow Tree angel that Jacob had put out there on the day we buried Kinley....seriously?? So I was feeling even more angry and quite frankly unthankful!

As I sat in my car, with my entire body convulsing in sobs I started to think. I decided that I'm not allowing this day to be like that, I'm not giving Satan any glimpse of victory. God is still good, and not only that, He's still good to ME! So....here are the things I'm thankful for.

- I'm thankful for my husband who is an amazing man of God and my shoulder to cry on. I love him so much!! I know that I am blessed to have him!

- I'm thankful for a family who loves me and supports me. They know that I will have bad days and they cry with me and pray for me. They sat with my for hours at the hospital and have called, sent cards, brought gifts, and poured themselves into me.

- I'm thankful for great friends and an awesome church family who have called, texted, and emailed to let me know they're still thinking about me.

- I'm thankful that I've been bonded through loss to new friends who know exactly how I feel! Tami and Destiny are blessings beyond what words can say! They are wonderful Godly women who have relived their pain to help me through mine.

- I'm so thankful for my sweet Brenna who called this morning to say "I love you Etty! Happy Thanksgiving! You're my best friend....and please don't have 'cry in your eyes'!"

- I'm thankful that God gave me Kinley at all. I don't want to feel this way, but I wouldn't trade it if that meant I never got to have her at all. I loved her from the moment I saw the two lines on the pregnancy test and that love grew with every ultrasound, every kick, every hiccup, and every moment that I had with her. It was solidified when I saw her sweet face, kissed her cheeks, held her tiny hand, and rocked her as she "slept".

- I'm thankful that Kinley will NEVER know the kind of pain that I'm feeling. As a Mommy I will endure this pain willingly knowing that it means that she never has to have a skinned knee, a broken heart, a bad day, or one hint of sadness.

- I'm thankful that God has promised GOOD to me. I don't know what that means for certain, I don't know that He'll answer my prayers the way I want him to, but I know He knows what's best for me. I know He will work it all for good and I know that He sees my pain and He hurts with me and for me.

- Most of all...I'm thankful that I have an assurance that I will see my baby again. I don't wonder, I don't worry, I don't doubt for one instance. I KNOW where she is today and I KNOW that I'll be there with her one day. There's no shadow of doubt in my mind that heaven is a real place, that my baby is there waiting for me, and that I will join her. I know I'll join her because I believe His word, and His word says that all I have to do is accept Him as Lord, believe that Jesus died for my sins, and confess that I'm a sinner.

So I'm not promising a day of no tears. I'm not telling you that this day is easy for me. I'm certainly not saying that I am doing "well" or that I'm "over" our loss. I'm actually promising you that it will continue to be hard for me....today is hard, December 10th will be hard, Christmas will be hard, every September 24th for the rest of my life will be hard. Please don't judge me for how I'm healing, don't say that I need to "move on", don't act as though it never happened, and don't think that having more children someday will take away my pain. My baby died and that hurts more than anything imaginable. BUT....I will survive, I will have joy again, I will have peace in God, and I will spend eternity with my precious Kinley, and I will be THANKFUL.

May you too be blessed and be thankful no matter what this life brings you....