And we know that in all things God works for the good of those that love Him, who have been called according to His purpose.
Romans 8:28

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Mother's Day Post...A few days late!

This is the note that I posted last year on Mother's Day. I'm not sure why I felt led to it today and feel led to share it with you, but I do. I'm sure many of you have already read it, but maybe someone hasn't come across it yet. I also know that since Mother's Day has passed it's a little outdated, but the message is still the same....

I’m the kind of Mommy who always knew I wanted to be a Mommy. The kind of little girl who played “house” from the time I was tiny. I mothered every baby that came into my path. From the moment my sweet baby sister and brother were born, I wanted to mother them. Every new cousin that came into the world was a pure joy for me. I wanted to hold them, change them, and feed them. Some people took friends with them to ball games or the park, not me, I found a little kid that I could take. I drug Jessica, Seth, and Karly to countless ball games at the school. I just loved to take care of them and mother them.

I’m the kind of Mommy who desperately wanted a baby. Jacob and I started trying to get pregnant before we had even been married a year. I know that some people thought that it was too soon, but we knew we wanted to be parents. As the months passed and countless pregnancy tests came up negative, I grew increasingly anxious and afraid. Would God really give me this deep desire to be a Mommy and then not ever allow me to actually be one? That couldn’t be the plan that He had for me. After months of trying and 4 rounds of Clomid, I finally saw that double pink line! I was a Mommy!!

I’m the kind of Mommy that was a Mommy the moment I saw that positive test. I embraced pregnancy to the fullest! I loved it! I dove head first into falling in love with my baby. I talked about her constantly, I shopped for her, and I imagined what she would be. On my first Mother’s Day as a pregnant woman I stood proudly when the pastor asked all of the mom’s to stand. I WAS a mother!

I’m the kind of Mommy who labored and pushed knowing that my daughter would not be born breathing. I knew I would not hear that coveted first cry. I wouldn’t beam as I introduced a wiggling newborn to her grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins. I did, however, cradle her lifeless body in my arms with the love that only a mother knows. I stroked her black curly hair, examined her ten perfect fingers and toes, changed her dresses and hats, and lovingly swaddled her in blankets. I smiled for pictures with her although my heart was broken. I passed her to family and friends and shared her with those I love most. I slept with her in my arms, I prayed over her with my husband, and then I placed her in her basket and let her go. I left the hospital without her, I planned a burial and memorial service, and I stood to tell those gathered in the church of the mark that she had left on the world.

I’m the kind of Mommy who hurts daily so that my baby never has to know pain. Every time my heart feels like it will burst from the pain, I remember that she will never know a pain like this. She’ll never fall and skin her knee, she’ll never get her heart broken, and she’ll never hurt, as I am hurting.

I’m the kind of Mommy who is proud of my little girl. I know she only had a brief time on earth, but she accomplished the purpose that God had for her. The night of her memorial service, a family member shared with me that she had given her heart to Christ. As she stood there, tears running down her face, she explained that it had struck her that Kinley walked into Heaven familiar with the praises of God, familiar with Him, because Jacob and I had carried her, while still in my womb, to church week after week. She shared that if something should happen to her little girls, they would enter a Heaven that was unknown. Because of Kinley’s brief life, she will spend eternity with her little girls! I know that Kinley’s life and death have touched and changed countless other people, and for that, I am proud!

I’m the kind of Mommy who most of the world doesn’t even notice as a Mom at all. I have no outward signs of being a mom. I don’t push my baby around the mall in her stroller, I don’t carry her infant seat into church, I don’t take her to the park, or take her out for walks. I don’t shop in the baby sections, I don’t buy diapers, and I don’t buy formula. To most of the world, I’m not a Mommy at all. But in my heart, I truly am! I know that whether God chooses to bless us with more children or not, I am and will always be McKinley’s Mommy.

A year can make such a difference in a person’s life. Last year at this time, I was a beaming pregnant woman, waiting for my blessing to arrive. One year later, I’m a hurting Mommy, longing to rock my baby just one more time. This year, there are women everywhere who are celebrating Mother’s Day. Some are first time Mommy’s, some are spending their day with children, grandchildren, and even great-grandchildren, and all are celebrating the blessings that God has given them. However, stop to think for a minute that there are also many women hurting on Mother’s Day. Their babies have passed away, they’ve been struggling with infertility, or last year they were celebrating with their mom and this year she’s gone. A year can make such a big difference in YOUR life….don’t let another day pass without taking time to enjoy your children, to thank your mom, and to make amends in strained relationships.


  1. Hi Erica,
    I'm pretty sure that I read this post before, but I'm glad you posted it again. What a great description of what a mommy truly is. Regardless of what anyone thinks or says, you are a mommy and a very good one at that! I love reading your blog and at the same time it strikes me in a different way than experience as a mommy has been one crazy trip, but I can't complain. I'm praying for you and your husband and I know that God continues to have mighty plans for you.

  2. Erica,
    This is the first time I have read your blog and I just want you to know how much it means to read the raw, real words from another grieving mother! Dont stop writing!
    It has been a little over six months since my son passed away and I cannot tell you how grateful I am to have found your blog. It is so nice to not only hear I am not alone, but to read the honest words from someone who understands. So thank you.
    I am excited to read more from you in the future! And thanks to you, I have decided to start my own blog in order to express my loss and the crazy emotions associated with it!