I've been a huge blogging slacker...
The truth is that I've thought about sitting down to write a blog at least a hundred times over the last several months, but I can't make myself do it. I'd like to say that it's because I'm so busy with Emersyn that I don't have time, and that's partially true. But honestly, I have time to watch Big Brother....THREE times a week, so I probably have time to blog too!
The truth is, I haven't known quite what to say. In all honesty, I'm walking in an overwhelming amount of joy every day ... so why not just say that?? Because the moment I start to, I also feel an overwhelming amount of guilt. I know that's silly, but this blog has always been dedicated to my feelings about losing Kinley, and the joy of having Emmy is completely separate from that. It's difficult for me to convince myself that I don't need to feel guilty about being happy.
I feel like it's almost impossible to explain how I could have two completely opposite feelings at the exact same time. I'm overjoyed with being a Mommy to Emmy. I love it so much that I can barely breathe sometimes!! But if I acted for one minute like that makes the pain of losing Kinley any less I would be lying. I'm full of joy and yet still somehow full of hurt.
I don't miss her any less today than I did at any moment in the last three years. I will admit that I'm more busy now, so I have less time to really sit and think about it. That makes it seem sometimes like it hurts less, but in reality, the moment she crosses my mind, the same feelings rise up.
There's a place in my heart for Kinley and Emmy doesn't fill that space. She fills up a completely different space in my heart. And that space is overflowing! But still the 'hole' of losing Kinley is there. I wouldn't want her to fill it really and I couldn't ask her too. It's not her job to replace her sister or to heal my heart.
I feel many days like people expect me to be "over it". For some people, I think the natural thought is... 'she wanted a baby and now she has one, so she should be fine'. Imagine though, if you had all of your children except for one. If that one child was missing from your family, would having another one make that okay?
I love being a Mommy and I'm taking every opportunity to enjoy my Emmy Kate. I spend almost 24 hours a day 7 days a week completely engulfed in caring for her. I rarely spend a moment away from her and I still feel like I can't get enough of her!!! I wouldn't have it any other way. I'm not letting the fact that I don't have Kinley in any way put a damper on what I have with Emmy. But I still miss her so incredibly much. I still feel like there's a huge weight on my heart. I still feel like I'm carrying a burden that just isn't fair. And I still want her back! I know that's not the plan that God had for us, but it doesn't change that one of my deepest desires is to have her here.
I wish so desperately that I could see Kinley with Emmy. I would give anything to be able to watch her kiss her sister, hold her, and love her. Watching Bristol with Em has been so much fun for me, and every once in awhile I find myself watching her talk to Emmy and out of nowhere it stings. I would give almost anything to get to see them together and I know that one day I will.
I guess I'm not really sure where I'm going with this post. I just wanted to honestly say where I've been for the past few months. I've been absent from blogging because I had no way to really make sense of what I was feeling. But I think it's time to come back to honestly sharing my days with you, both the joy and the hurt!
Tomorrow will be 3 years since the absolute worst day of my life. Three years ago tomorrow, we heard the words "we can't find a heartbeat". My life has changed so much in three years. I am stronger and yet I'm more vulnerable. I am happier and yet I know the fullest depths of hurt. I have learned how to depend on God more, because I had to, and I've seen Him come through for me so many times. I'm no more of a Mommy today than I was on that day, but now I'm getting to 'mother' one of the babies that God has given to me.
I could use your prayers over the next few days. God has done so much healing in my heart, but I still have so much left to do. I'm desperately seeking His peace and asking Him to carry me through the next few days, like He's done so many times before. Tomorrow will be hard and so will Kinley's birthday on Monday, but for now I'm once again asking God for "just enough strength to get through today."