Goodbye September...we'll meet again next year!

I love when the calendar changes to October...it feels like I can breathe again.  Like I've been holding my breath the entire month of September and suddenly I realize that it's October and I gasp for air.  And I always wonder how many more years it will feel like that.

I survived another September and there are some things that never change, some that I did differently, and some things I didn't do at all this year.

I did...
- Hold my Emmy a little bit tighter remembering what a miracle it is to have her!
I did not...
- Worry that I would never have a baby to "mother".  God has replaced that fear with the joy of even just one baby to raise!!! Of course, we'd love to have more, but for now, I'm thrilled with our one blessing!

I did...
- Find myself late in the night one night, getting Emmy out of her crib, sinking down to the floor, holding her, and sobbing at what WE had lost.  Because she lost out too.
I did not...
- Do it every night...just once.  I resisted the urge to sit up all night holding her.

I did...
- Visit Kinley's gravesite on her birthday, let balloons go, spend a little bit of time curled up under my covers sobbing, and think about her all day.
I did not...
- Visit her gravesite daily.  I didn't feel the need to be 'there' for her.  She doesn't NEED me to dwell on spending my time there, to make myself crazy, to worry about her.  Emersyn does need me to care for her.

I did...
- Remember!
I did not...
- Pull out all of the cards, letters, and keepsakes in order to relive every moment.

I did...
- Feel in some ways like this year was harder than last year.  I think that's because before part of what I was mourning was getting to actually be a mommy.  Now that I have Emmy I know exactly what I missed out on with Kinley and that hurts.
I did not...
- Feel like Emersyn at all replaced Kinley!!!

I don't know if I did the right things or the wrong things, I don't know if I grieved "normally".  I know that it still hurts incredibly and that I would give almost anything to change it and have her back.  I know that I love her so much and she'll ALWAYS be my first born.  And I also know that it feels natural to do things a little different each year.  It felt right this year to grieve exactly how I did.  I didn't feel the need to do any more or any less to remember Kinley.  All that I can do is what seems right to me.