11 Months

11 months ago at this time, I was laying in the hospital, laboring to give birth to a child who has already gone. I had no idea what the next 11 months would hold for me or how I would ever survive! Tomorrow morning, 11 months will have gone by since Kinley was born.

Boy do these "milestone" days hurt!! It's strange how it happens, but it's kind of a been a natural progression for me to have those really bad days start to slowly become fewer and further between. For me, it started out that I was counting it in days, I remember thinking I can't believe it's been 4, 7, or 10 days. Then there came a point a couple weeks in when I started counting by weeks. At that point, every Thursday was a terrible day. Every Wednesday night I started to dread the next day because I knew it meant that it had been another week that she had been gone. Then somewhere around 10-14 weeks, it changed again and I started to dread the 24th of every month. The 24th meant another month I'd lived without her. Now as I'm closely approaching the one year mark, I wonder if it will be the half year mark that will hit me the hardest.

I really think that God has helped me to progress through these stages as a natural part of grieving. Now, keep in mind, that everyday still has moments of hurt. There are still a million things that can ruin my day with no warning. I can see a baby that's about the same age as Kinley would be and just not be able to shake it. I can pass a pregnant lady who I think is about as far as I was or hear of someone having an ultrasound at 28 weeks and feel myself starting to lose control of my emotions. Or it can be a song or a smell that makes me think of the day I got to hold her. These days have started to spread out more too though. Tonight, I'm thanking God for doing the work to continuously heal my heart. It still hurts and I still cry myself to sleep often, but God's working!

My sweet McKinley,

Mommy loves you so very much and I miss you everyday. I wish that I could hold you one more time! I know that you're in a much better place than I am and that you wouldn't come back, even if you could, but I sure do miss you!!! I can't believe it's been 11 months since I felt you moving around in my belly. I can't believe how far I've come in that time. It's so hard to believe that someone who was only here for such a short time, could make such a huge impact.

I'm a better person because of you. You changed me in so many ways and made me into a more compassionate, more caring, and more thankful person. Someday, I'll be a better mommy because I had you. Most of all, you've inspired me to pursue a much deeper relationship with God. I'm relying on Him more, learning to trust in His timing, pursuing His will, and trusting Him with my whole heart largely because of the changes you caused in me. Nothing and no one on this earth is worth me losing the opportunity to spend eternity with you, worshiping our heavenly Father. Some days I feel like giving up, but there's nothing that can shake me enough to make me turn from Him. I'll see you soon my sweet angel...

I love you, and miss you so much!!
Mommy

P.S. I'm not the only one you've changed...there are so many of our friends and family members that are better people because of the short amount of time that we had with you!