Doctor's Appointment

I got a great report at my doctor's office today! It was my follow-up appointment from the surgery I had about three weeks ago. The doctor was very optimistic about the results of my surgery. He really seemed to feel like the endometriosis that was there was likely "left-over" from the last surgery and not really new growths, which means it hadn't rapidly returned like we had feared.

The scar tissue was very severe. The left ovary was completely bonded to my tube and uterus and the right ovary was covered in scar tissue as well. He felt certain that this has been my fertility issue. Of course, you can't know for sure if the scar tissue will return, but he felt good about it.

A couple months ago Jacob and I were devastated by the news that we would likely need IVF to conceive. We just didn't have the finances to proceed with that at the time. Today, I was told that we could try a couple rounds of oral medication....not IVF, not injectables, but Clomid!!! I was pleasantly surprised to hear that this was an option. This not only means that it will be much cheaper than the injectables (probably $1500-2000 cheaper for medicine and several less ultrasounds and blood tests that add up as well), but also means that we can start "trying" again sooner than we had planned! The plan is to try a round of Clomid with an IUI. In about two months our projected cost of trying to get pregnant went from $20,000 to about $370. We are thrilled with the news!!!!

All of this came the day after I posted this status on facebook...

"survived my final "first anniversary"! Today was the day we buried Kinley and had her memorial service one year ago...tomorrow starts a new year for us!!!"

Isn't our God an awesome God??? We didn't get our ultimate "good news" yet, but isn't this an awesome start? God is working and this is truly a new year for us!!

Feeling Loved and Supported!

I wanted to take a minute and just say how overwhelming loved Jacob and I have felt in the past year. We knew we had great families that were supportive of us, and good friends who cared for us, but we had NO idea how many people would shower us with love and prayers. One of the benefits of sharing my story publicly is that so many of you are lifting us up in prayer, sending us emails and cards, and letting us know how much you care!

A year ago tomorrow, we held Kinley's memorial service. We were completely overwhelmed and shocked at the number of people who came to the service! I can't remember the exact number, but it was somewhere between 250 and 300 people that showed up to support us. For a baby who never took a breath on this earth and never met most of those people at the service, it was an amazing turn-out! If you were one of those people that were there for us, thank you from the bottom of our hearts!!!!! It meant more than you could ever know!

On Friday, we celebrated Kinley's first birthday and had about 30-35 people join us to let balloons go at the cemetery. In addition, we heard from many more who were holding their own remembrance celebrations! We're so very thankful!!!! Kinley was blessed to have grandparents, aunts, uncles, (and great aunts and uncles), cousins, and friends who loved her enough to be there to help her Mommy and Daddy get through the day. Thank you so much to all of you!!!

In addition, while I'm thinking about the memorial service, I want to make a quick plug for the funeral home that helped us with Kinley's burial arrangements. The Covington Sunset Funeral Home's general manager drove all the way to Lafayette to handle our arrangements. On the day he came to meet with us, he was also supposed to take McKinley's body with him. The hospital could not release her body until I was released from the hospital, and I was just not ready to say goodbye. Drew Edwards busied himself in Lafayette for hours waiting for me to be ready to leave Kinley. It is not easy to think about sending your babies body with someone you don't really know, but he made me feel so at ease and I KNEW that he would take the very best care of Kinley. He treated her like a living, breathing baby and I'm so very thankful!

We had things that we wanted to be have put in the casket with Kinley, so my Mom was going to stop by the Danville Chapel to drop off all those things and take a few pictures of Kinley in the casket with all of her stuff. When she arrived, they had her wait a few moments and then took her in to a giant empty room where they had set up a beautiful little display with Kinley's casket, just for my Mom.

Both Drew Edwards and Linda Darby-Sempsrott were there for the burial service and were kind, caring, and loving to us all. We felt their truest and deepest sympathy in the way they handled the entire situation. In addition, often times when a child passes, funeral homes will do some of the things for free. In this case, they went above and beyond what was expected....from providing balloons to release, a guest book to sign, and laminated copies of her obituary, all the way down to Kinley's pink casket!!!

I know that no one really wants to think about needing to use funeral services, but I would highly recommend that if you live in the Danville, IL/Covington, IN area, you check into Sunset funeral home!! The death of a loved one is NEVER easy, but when you're handled with care and compassion it does make the planning process so much easier! Thank you, thank you, thank you Sunset!!!

(By the way, Sunset has no idea I'm saying all this and I'm in no way getting anything for "promoting" them! Just for the record!)

September 24th - Kinley's Birthday

A year ago, I was holding her...she was already gone of course, but I was soaking in her features, her tiny little hands, her curly dark hair, her little button nose, her chubby little knees. I was trying desperately to drink it all in. It was all that I would get, just about 32 hours to do make a lifetime's worth of memories.

After laboring through the night, in a stupor of half working-epidural, half-functioning brain, half-sleeping body, I was nearing the end of the time of waiting. Around 4 am, the doctor checked me again. To my dismay, there was still little progress. In fact, at around midnight he had said he could feel her head down, but by 4 am, he could feel her tiny hand instead. Some of my family dispersed to get much needed showers and rest. I just couldn't quite settle in at this point.

At 6:30 Dr. H. returned again, and I had finally made "a little" progress. Still he saw no need to call my sister back to the hospital and it seemed that I was in for another long morning. For some reason, my Mom decided to call Megan anyway (she had just had surgery less than a week before and had finally listened to reasoning and gone home to rest.)

At a little after 7, I knew that something had changed. I asked someone to have the nurse call my doctor...I could feel pressure and was just about to have a baby, I just knew it! By about 7:15, I called out frantically that someone needed to get in there...now! The nurse came in and luckily my doctor arrived soon after. By the time he checked me, I was ready to deliver. It took only a couple short pushes to deliver my 1 pound 9 ounce baby girl. At 7:33 am, McKinley Rebecca Crum was born.

The birth was peacful and calm (other than how quickly it happened!) My mom, sister, mother-in-law, and sister-in-law, as well as Jacob were all present for the birth. Kinley entered quietly into the world...no crying, from her or from me.

The doctor immediately noticed the knot in her cord and reasoned that it was probably what had caused Kinley's death. He allowed Jacob to cut the cord and laid her gently on my chest. My first reaction was fear and nervousness. She looked so delicate and I was almost afraid to touch her. But, no matter whether she was breathing or not, she was mine and my motherly instincts took over. I kissed her on the head and held her for a few moments. I wrapped her up and cradled her lifeless little body. She was beautiful, more so than I ever could have imagined. She had her Daddy's full-lips and my round little cheeks. She had the same little nose as Brenna had and lots of dark curly hair! (Aunt MiMi the hairdresser said she had a "crazy" curl pattern!)

Luckily, my sister had the presence of mind to grab my camera and start snapping pictures. Those candid first shots are the best pictures we have of Kinley. Her body failed quickly and even by that evening when the photographer arrived, she looked much different, much worse!Through the day, our family and friends filtered in, saying their hello's and goodbye's. We had a steady stream of visitors in and out of the room and Kinley was rarely put down at all. We introduced Kinley to grandparenst, aunts, uncles, and cousins. We cried tears with friends who had already been in our shoes.

I definitely had my moments of tears, but for the most part I just didn't want to miss one tiny thing about her. I was terrified I would someday forget what she looked like, what she smelled like, what she felt like in my arms....I was right to be worried because I already forget many of the little details.

That night, we decided to send Kinley's body with the nurses in hopes that the cold room they would keep her in would help "preserve" her body a little longer and that I might get some sleep. I had, for the most part, been strong. I didn't sleep well at all, and at some point got up to use the restroom and half walked, half crawled to Jacob's bed accross the room. I collapsed in bed with him in complete hysterics and sobs. He held me tight and between sobs, I said "go get my baby, I want her back, tell them I want her back!!!"

We held her together and rested for a few more hours, but I was already beginning to panic about leaving her. Leaving her to be taken away and put into a tiny casket, leaving her for good, leaving her forever...that time would come all to soon!




My sweet McKinley,

I can't believe you've been gone a year already!! I miss you so much more than words could ever really say! I long to hold you again, to kiss your sweet face, to tell you how much I love you. I know that God had a bigger plan for you than this world, but it doesn't make it any easier for me.

You've touched a lot of lives in the past year! I know that you know that, even more than I do, and I'm so proud to be your Mommy! There are people who live on this earth for a hundred years and never make the impace that you made in just a few short months...you're my little world-changer!

My life today is not anything like I pictured it would be when I was feeling you moving and kicking inside me. I still feel lost sometimes without you. There are days that I'm not sure I'll get through it all. How could someone who was here for such a short amount of time be missed so very much?

We're having a little celebration for you today, we'll be sending you some cards and balloons. Of course I know that the eternal gifts of heaven are far greater than anything we could ever give you here! I hope you're celebrating today too. I hope you're celebrating the mark you made on this world!

I love you baby girl!! Happy Birthday!!!
Mommy

P.S. You know Mommy has so many friends whose babies are there with you...will you give them kisses from their Mommies too? Tell them how much they love them and miss them too!

A Picture Is Worth A Thousand Words!

Just a few of my favorites...







Happy (Almost) 1st Birthday Baby Girl!

By the way, sorry it goes so fast! I can't figure out how to slow the pictures down....guess you can watch it twice if you need to!!

September 23, 2009

Waiting, and waiting, and waiting.

Today is a day in limbo! I'm relieved that yesterday is over and I'm anxiously awaiting the arrival (the the passing) of tomorrow. Today is a day of waiting and hanging in the balance.

Wednesday the 23rd of last year was a day of waiting. I didn't sleep much the night before in my hospital bed. I rested off and on, but was mostly restless.

By morning I had progressed only to about a centimeter dilated. Sometime through the morning to early afternoon, I progressed to a 4 and got stuck there forever!!! Kinley's head would drop and we would think progress was being made, but the next time I got checked it would have moved back up and out of the birth canal. It was exhausting to deal with the labor mixed with the emotion of knowing that Kinley was already gone. I could have done it for days if I had the hope an excitement of delivering a living, crying, baby!

At some point, my back was in intense pain and I decided to go ahead with the epidural to help me relax and rest. So much for that thought! My epidural didn't really work as it was suppose to, so I was constantly asking for more meds, trying to turn by propping myself up on different, sides, and wincing in pain. The left side of my body was numb, the right side was most definitely not. I was nearing the 24 hour mark, and if I had just been contracting I would have been fine, but the back pain was excruciating!

That's pretty much how I spent the 23rd. I don't remember all of it (by this point, I had also been given several meds to calm my nerves and help me sleep). I was just stuck in waiting and wondering....what would the labor be like? would I break-down when I saw her? would I just want them to take her away? would we want pictures of her? would it peaceful or panicky? is it possible to be a loving and caring Mommy to a baby that was dead? how would I ever leave the hospital without her?

My mind was wondering and questioning, but not panicking. My heart was hurting and broken, but not crying out in agony. My room was somber and quiet. God was in the midst of our darkest hours and we really could feel His peace settling into that hospital room. His peace and presence would be even more tangible by the next morning...

September 22, 2009

Of all the days this month, today is the one I was dreading the most. A year ago today, I had a scheduled ultrasound that revealed that our sweet Kinley had no heartbeat. It's very strange how I remember it all. It's like I watch it back on a movie, I can see myself and Jacob like I'm floating somewhere toward the top of the room. There are parts that are as clear as it they're happening right now, but there are parts of the movie that go completely out of focus and parts that are very foggy.

Since I'm re-playing all of the events in my mind over and over, I decided to blog them too. It might help me to put them all down in one place. This is the account of September 22, 2009.

I had already had some signs that something was wrong, and had in fact called the doctor's office a few days before to say I wasn't feeling much movement, but the nurse assured me that it was probably nothing. I resisted the urge to go in and be checked.

Tuesday morning, I woke up like any other morning...got ready for school, taught my classes, even talked to a student about the exciting ultrasound I was having later in the day. I was hoping I could get a good 3D shot of my baby girls face, instead, two days later I would look directly into it.

Megan had just had a surgery and I was busying myself taking care of her and Brenna. I picked Brenna up from school on my way out and took her home to eat and lay down for a nap. We had decided I would take her to my appointment with me, since Megan wasn't really in much shape to care for her at home. My appointment was at 2 and she was still napping, but I tried to wake her and loaded her into the car. Jacob was meeting us at the appointment.

Once in the doctor's office, Brenna went back to sleep (totally a God thing that she slept through the next several minutes!) Jacob and I made small talk, but the knot in my stomach grew larger. A lady at the window told the receptionist how far she was and realized we were only days apart in our pregnancy. She was much much larger than me....was that a bad sign? Somewhere in my mind I was already preparing for what was about to come.

The ultrasound tech called us back and Jacob sat down in the chair a few feet away, holding Brenna on his lap. She began the ultrasound, and immediately upon placing the wand on my stomach asked me if I had been feeling much movement. I said no, and she silently slid the wand over my belly taking a couple of measurements, but saying very little. My heart was dropping, I knew something was very wrong. She left to get the doctor and I knew that it meant something was wrong. I told Jacob that she had never showed us the heartrate. He said that it was probably just the digestive tract again (this ultrasound was scheduled because at 18 weeks the couldn't get a good look at her digestive tract). I just said no, no, it's not. Those moments seemed to take a lifetime, I was hanging in the balance between the beautiful life I had been planning and the devastating news I knew was about to completely rock it!

I'll never forget the look on my doctor's face, I knew as soon as he walked in the door. But something inside of me needed to hear him say the words. So I said "What's wrong? Just tell me now, okay?" He responded that they couldn't find a heartbeat. He looked for a moment on ultrasound too, and then walked out, leaving Jacob and I alone. In that moment I was in shock. I wasn't crying, I was just staring ahead, lost in the world of "this can't be happening".

I picked up the phone and called my Mom. The conversation went something like this..."Mom, they can't find a heartbeat. She's gone." Very matter of fact, very emotionless. My mom thought that it must be wrong and said to make them check again. I just responded "they did check again, she's gone." Then the nurse returned to take us to a room and I hung up.

Once in our room, I made a quick call to Megan. Luckily, our dear friend Lisa was dropping off dinner for her to have for the night, and immediately loaded Megan up to bring her to the doctor's office. Lisa would then take Brenna back home with her where a babysitter would meet them, leaving Megan to be with me. This was all happening outside of my realm of awareness. Then I told Jacob that he would have to call his Mom, although he didn't really want to make that call, I felt that he needed to do it. He actually put it off for a few minutes until I said that I would do it if he just didn't want to, he didn't think I needed to make any more calls and picked up his phone. We sat in a room together, Jacob holding Brenna, and stared at each other in utter disbelief. What had just happened? And where would we go from here?

The next couple moment were some of the hardest...

Brenna began to wake up, and by this time I was crying. She climbed off Jacob's lap and came to me across the room. As I picked her up, she asked me what was wrong. Somewhere in the midst of all that was happening, God gave me the clarity of mind to give her an answer. In calmness and without crying, I said "We're not going to be able to get Kinley out of my belly here on earth. She already got to go to heaven to be with Jesus and she won't be coming back." Her little face is etched in my mind forever, questioning, not understanding, but trusting me that it was okay. (Wow, does that speak volumes!!) I'd be looking at God with that same face for months, and I know that it is etched in His mind too!

I was very careful not to say that Jesus "took" her to heaven, or that she "had" to go. I didn't want her to think it was a bad thing. I think that first conversation with her has greatly shaped how she's reacted through the past year.

The next couple hours are a blur....the nurse came back in, then the doctor, I'd need to deliver her, I'd have to labor, I could go to the hospital now or wait for my labor to start, I would need to plan a service of some sort, I would need to bury her. My sister came....I could hear her crying hysterically in the hallway, I fell apart, the reality of it set in, Jacob held me, Megan made calls, Douglas came, they took me home. My parents arrived, I cried some more, I tried to pack, no one knew what to say or how to act. My grandparents came, Megan made more phone calls, I posted a post on facebook letting the "rest of the world" know that Kinley had passed and that I would be going to the hospital soon to start my labor.

I still run my hand over the dent on the "Ford" plate in the middle of my steering wheel. Jacob had stayed mostly calm. The look on his face the entire time was haunting and sad, but he was mostly holding me up (literally at times!) As we pulled up in front of the house, he suddenly hit the steering wheel with his fist....hard, quick, angry! He would later leave the house to spend some time alone, time which I believe he spent hitting a punching bag. He was dealing with the anger, I was just beginning to deal with the intense sadness.

We arrived at the hospital around 6 and checked in. My first panic set in when I realized that the lady at the registration desk would ask me why I was there. I'd have to say the words again. I'd only spoken what had happened three times, once to my Mom, once to Megan, and then to Brenna. Now to a complete stranger. She began with my name and then asked why I was there. I don't really remember what I answered, I believe I said I was there to deliver my baby who had passed away. She was sweet and kind and caring. She treated me very gently. By this point, my extended family started arriving, beginning with my aunt Christy. They would surround me with love and prayer for the next few days in the hospital! Jacob's parents and sisters (and Adam) arrived as well. Amazing, doesn't begin to describe our family!!! They overtook an entire extra hospital room as well as the waiting room down the hall. They "camped out", they cried, they prayed, they rubbed my feet, they played with my hair, they fed Jacob.

By 7, I was settled in a room and then had begun to get me hooked up. At some point around 7:30 or 8, the doctor came in to begin the process of starting my labor. Pastor Greg arrived to pray with me, more of my family arrived, we tried to rest, we tried to pray, we waited.....

I Want To Go Home!

UPDATE: I came home!!!

Today one overwhelming thought is dominating my mind...

I want to go home!!!!

I hate this time of year and I'm struggling more everyday as Kinley's birthday gets closer. I can remember what I was doing on each day and keep thinking "a year ago today, I was...." Today the thought is that a year ago today I was beginning to realize somewhere in the back of my mind that something wasn't right, but I was ignoring that nagging thought. For the most part, I was happy, for the most part, I was blissfully unaware of just how hard my life was about to get.

But, back to the going home part.....I want nothing more than to be HOME and this just isn't home. I've been lying to people for a couple months now. The conversation goes something like this...

Them: "Tennessee is such a beautiful area! (EVERYONE says this!) How are you liking it?

Me: Always the same response..."I'm getting used to it, it's not home yet, but I like it!"

There it was, the lie, did you catch it?? I don't like it! I don't like it at all. On the list of things I like, living in Tennessee does not appear. Here are a few things I like...

I like seeing Megan and Brenna everyday. I like them to be 5 minutes away and I like being a part of every aspect of Brenna's life... picking her up from school, eating lunch, going to the mall, babysitting....I LIKE that!

I like seeing my Mom and Dad whenever I want. I know I didn't go to Covington as much as I should have when I lived in Lafayette, but I like that I could jump in the car and go if I wanted. I liked seeing them once a week or so.

I like being able to call Rex and Mary on any given Friday night and meet up for dinner with them.

I like being able to text Destiny on a bad day (much like today) and knowing that she'll be there in a half an hour.

I like my little Christian school where the students and staff not only know my story, but walked through it with me.

I like going to church in my own church and being able to pray with people that I don't have to explain my situation to.

I like having friends to meet for lunch and family to go shopping with.

I like that when I'm having one of those just terrible days (like today), someone always stops in with a little gift, food, a distraction, or a plot to get me out of the house and my mind on something else. I like that all it takes is a facebook status to make that happen.

I like living in Lafayette, but I don't like living in Tennessee. I'm trying to make the best of it. I'm trying to meet people. I'm trying to make it home, but it's just not. What I'd really like today is to just go home!!!!!

(Sorry for my "pity me, life is tough attitude", that's just where I am today! And just for the record, this is not an invitation for everyone who's ever moved to tell me how before long I'll consider it home, and love it, and never want to move back. I've heard that all before, and I appreciate it, but now is just not the time!!!!!)

Time Change

Because of conflict with Jacob's work, we need to change the time of our celebration of Kinley's life to 7:00 next Friday the 24th. So, if you're planning to join us, note the time change and remember to let me know you're coming!!

Approaching Kinley's Birthday

I'm so quickly approaching Kinley's first birthday and my feelings and emotions are rising daily! My experience so far has been that the build-up to the holidays and "tough" days has been much worse than the day itself. Usually there's a day about two or three days before the big day that I completely fall apart. So far, I've been "home" for all of those days and either Megan and Brenna or Destiny and Cayden have stepped in to be there for me by coming over and not only listening, but providing a distraction. This time, I'm here in Knoxville, and to large extent, I'm alone. I've been trying so hard to prepare myself for that day and to remind myself of all the good that's come from us having Kinley. But no matter how much I focus on the good, the bad is still there!!

I'm now ten days from her birthday and I'm finding my mind wandering so much to the "could have beens" and "should have beens". I should be planning a birthday party, but instead I'm trying to figure out what to do to celebrate an event that doesn't warrant celebration. I'm trying to navigate what's appropriate for the situation and how to best honor Kinley. I find myself wondering, if she can look down from heaven and see me, would she want me to celebrate, to mourn, or to let the day pass without doing either? A large part of me wishes we could just let it slip by without drawing any attention to it. But the Mom in me knows that she deserves more than that. I know that I'd feel guilty if I didn't do something. So I'm going to combine celebration and mourning. That's the best that I can do!

Brenna asked me the last time I was home if we could give her any presents for her birthday. She wanted to send them up to heaven with a balloon. I told her we really couldn't do that, but that we could draw her a picture and write her a letter and send that to heaven with a balloon. She said "Well when we go to heaven or she comes back here, or whichever one happens, I'll give her some of my toys for her birthday." I told her that was really sweet of her. In true Brenna fashion, she followed with "well I'll give her the ones I don't play with anymore and I don't want!" (Hey, she's wise beyond her years, but she's still 3!!) But the point is, I think we'll use Brenna's idea and at least send her pictures tied to balloons. I'm also trying to find an idea for how to give a gift that would honor Kinley's life.

For now, the plan is to meet at Kinley's gravesite on her birthday, Friday September 24th. We'll spend some time writing letters and drawing pictures for her, and then tie them to balloons to be sent to her in heaven. We'll sing "Happy Birthday" through our tears and let the balloons go at the end of the song. Then I'll spend the rest of the evening with my family eating pizza and celebrating the mark that she made on our hearts and in our lives. Her first steps may be in heaven, but her first footprint is on my heart!

And I'm still left thinking...."Has it really been a year?"

By the way, if you feel like Kinley has touched your life and you want to celebrate her brief time on this earth, you're welcome to join us at the gravesite that evening. The plan is to meet there at 6:30 Friday evening. She's buried at St. Boniface cemetery, in the Baby Land toward the back of the cemetery. If you plan to come, please send me an email or comment on this post to let me know so that I'm sure I have enough balloons. I'll also have plenty of paper and markers to make the cards/letters. If you can't be there, feel free to send your own balloon to heaven. Be sure to let me know if you do!!

"I thank my God every time I remember you." Phillipians 1:3

"But Jesus called to him, saying, "Let the children come to me, and do not hinder them, for to such belongs the kingdom of God." Luke 18:16

Surgery Results

Hello Everyone!!! Sorry for the brief break from blogging, as I type, I'm stretched out on my couch hurting but recovering! I'm at the point that I feel lucid enough to type this because I'm in enough pain to know that the pain medication is nearly worn off!! Hopefully I make sense, but if I don't, I can't be blamed! Blame it on the hydrocodone!

My surgery Tuesday went well. It took about two hours to get me all cleaned out, but the doctor seemed optimistic about the results. Surgery began at 8 and by 11 I was waking up in the recovery room. The recovery people were in a real hurry to get me out the door, and I wasn't having an easy time complying with that....they had me up and getting dressed and going to the bathroom long before I felt ready! I came out of the bathroom feeling really dizzy and found that they had already cleaned my bed and moved it. No one was around to help me, and I almost passed out, so I collapsed in a wheelchair and nearly started to cry. Pretty soon a nurse came in with Jacob. I guess she could tell by the way I was slumped in the wheelchair that I wasn't ready to go home, so she put me back in bed and gave me another bag of fluids. I finally started feeling better and made it home around 2:00.

I wasn't able to talk to the doctor because I was still pretty out of it, so I called the nurse yesterday to get the report from her. She said that the doctor removed a little endometriosis, but mostly adhesions (scar tissue). He was pleased with this because the scar tissue will not likely return after being removed. In addition, the endometriosis was located mostly on my ovaries, so he was able to put a protective coating over my ovaries to help prevent it from returning again. I felt good about the fact that there wasn't a lot of endometriosis grown back yet. I had been worried that it had returned so quickly, but in fact, it was just the scar tissue causing the problems.

In addition, after getting a look at what was going on, he felt like the scar tissue was the problem in us getting pregnant previously. He seemed optimistic that I will be able to get pregnant and possibly even by using another IUI rather than moving on to IVF!! This is a huge blessing for us, because as you know, we were concerned about the cost of IVF! We'll be able to give the IUI a couple more shots before needing to move on! We still need to save some in order to do another IUI, so it will probably be a couple months before we're ready, but we'll keep you all posted. I'm thinking probably November will be our next try.

Thank you so much for your prayers!!! I feel so much better about our prognosis and feel excited to have finally received some GOOD news!!! Keep praying, your prayers are working!!!

(By the way, isn't it awesome to be a part of God working in someone's life. I love it when I've been praying for something or someone and the prayer gets answered, even in part!! It feels great to be a part of it, and you're all a part of it! Imagine how we'll ALL feel when I'm finally pregnant!!!!!)

Thanks again! Love to all!!

Erica

Late Night Epiphany!

Okay, so I just had a revelation and I had to share it before I head to bed for the night. I was reading Kindra's comment on my last post, and it just really hit right on the spot for me! (Before you read the rest of this, click back and read her comment!) I've really been dealing with doubt the past few days. The reports just seem so grim and there's so much "wrong" with me that I don't see how it will ever work out! But then I re-read her comment tonight and it struck me that He's been speaking to me that He made me just the way I am. He made me imperfect for His glory! So that when it does all work out, all the praise will be to Him....not to a doctor, not to me, not to Jacob, but to GOD ALONE!!

And as I began thinking about it a couple of things came to me that I had just read in a book that I'm studying. I'm taking a class at church over the book "Trusting God Even When Life Hurts" by Jerry Bridges and it is WONDERFUL! I'm only on chapter 2 and have already gotten so much that I know I'll need to re-read it to soak it all in. These are the parts that spoke to me:

"Consider what God has done: Who can straighten what he has made crooked?" Ecclesiastes 7:13

He made me "crooked" and allowed "crooked" circumstances to enter my life, and only HE can make them straight. Only He can heal me and only He can straighten out what seems to be a mess!

The book also describes God's providence as "His constant care for and His absolute rule over all His creation for His own glory and the good of His people." Notice the word "and"! "God never pursues His glory at the expense of the good of His people, nor does He ever seek our good at the expense of His glory."

His glory and our good go together. He isn't putting me in this place only to bring Him glory, I'm in this place to bring Him glory AND for my own good. It doesn't seem that way now, but it's true.

Okay, so it's late and I'm probably not tying all this up with a nice little bow on top, and in fact I feel like I'm completely rambling!! I know this is nothing new and you're probably thinking "Uhhh, yeah duh!!" I've heard it all before too, but this time the Holy Spirit really revealed it to my heart! Maybe it will strike you like it did me and maybe not, but I'll leave you with a few scriptures that I felt led to after reading and re-reading these things tonight.

"For when I am weak, then I am strong." 1 Corinthians 12:10

"But He said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, my strength is made perfect in weakness'." 2 Corinthians 12:9

"But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong. He chose the lowly things of this world and the despised things, and the things that are not to to nullify the things that are, so that no one should boast before Him." 1 Corinthians 1:27-29

The KJV says "so that no flesh should glory in His presence". When God answers our prayer for children, no flesh will glory in His presence, for only He can make straight that which He has made "crooked"!! Thank you Jesus!

By the way, thank you Kindra for your insight! Hope you don't mind that I'm sharing it!!! :)

"Lord I believe, but help my unbelief!"

I've been struggling today to decide where to draw the line between my sharing my story through my blogging and keeping my story and fertility struggles private. I'm not an overly private person and often launch into TMI with random people who are probably thinking "Oh my goodness, I did NOT ask to hear all that!" On the other hand, fertility is a very intimate thing. The act of conceiving a child is meant to be shared between a husband and wife in private. Unfortunately for us, that's not how our lives have played out (but trust us we would much rather it be that way!) I started to fear that I may be sharing too much information and should hold back a little. Secretly, the main reason for my sudden nervousness and concern is that I started worrying if people would be judging me for sharing so much. What if they think that I should keep it private? What if they think I'm using my struggles to gain attention in some twisted way?

After much thought, I remembered that I very clearly felt God calling me to share my story after Kinley's death. It took me awhile to get to the point that I was ready to actually start blogging, but through conversations with people and even facebook, I started sharing our journey right away. It's still amazing and humbling to me that God could use me through our pain, but I've heard from enough of you that I really feel like He is. Of course, I'm just a vessel and I'm trying my hardest to let His Spirit speak through me. I also said from the beginning that I wanted to be open and honest, so I feel like I should also let my flesh show as well. No matter how hard I try to "die to my flesh", I'm still human and I still hurt and get angry. I want to continue to be honest. More selfishly, I think you can all pray for us better if you know exactly what we're going through and how to pray.

So, I'm planning to continue to share our journey in it's entirety. With that being said, we got some news today that we could really use some prayer about. I saw my doctor this morning and the following things came out of our meeting:

1. I'm in need of another surgery to remove my endometriosis. Although I just had one done in March, I had some blood work that indicated that the endometriosis has returned. It greatly decreases your chance at becoming pregnant, so we feel like we should move forward with another surgery. I'll be having that surgery on Tuesday morning at UT Medical Center. We would appreciate your prayers that all would go well and that they would be able to remove as much of the disease as possible and make any necessary repairs.

2. I also had some blood work done that indicates that my ovarian reserve is low. Basically, I have a low egg count. I haven't responded well to stimulating medication, so the doctor has suspected this. Because of the blood work, he feels that my time for having children is probably limited. He suggests that we move ahead with an IVF cycle as soon as possible. He said that he would typically be fine with a patient my age waiting 2, 4,or even 6 years to try IVF, but does not think that would be a good idea for us. It seems that our window for having babies is going to be much smaller than that of most women. The problem with that is that we don't have the money for the $11,000 IVF procedure. We'll be looking into some financing options, but could really use your prayers for wisdom and guidance as we make our decisions.

3. With the new information, I'm feeling in an almost constant state of panic. Although I've had the surgery before, I'm nervous about it and what they might find this time. I'm fearful that we won't be able to do the IVF soon enough or that it won't work if we do get the chance to try it. All of this coupled with the fact that today is the first day of September and Kinley's birthday is fast approaching, and I could really use your prayers!!

My thoughts today keep coming back to this "Lord I believe, but help my unbelief!!"