We Are Crazy Busy!

WOW! Our life has certainly changed since a year ago! Let me update you a little...

Jacob and I are happily settled into our beautiful home! We couldn't be more pleased with the house we chose. And after just a few days it was completely unpacked and decorated (thanks to my Mom and Mother-In-Law).

I am WORKING! Yes, you read that right....I took a part-time job back at Tippecanoe Christian School. I'm teaching Pre-school 3. It's just two mornings a week, and I absolutely love it! But they sure are keeping me on my toes!!!

I am spending a TON of time with my beautiful nieces. They are such a huge joy to me. I get to have them often and wouldn't trade the time for anything in this world. I'm also home-schooling my sweet Brenna Claire for kindergarten. What a joy to get to take part in her learning. And we're anxiously awaiting the arrival of our first nephew in December. (Aunt Etty has already bought some super cute baby boy clothes!!!)

We are spending lots of time in ministries at the church, with our friends, and with our families. Jacob's helping coach soccer at his old high school. We rarely have an evening without something on the agenda....and we're loving it!!

I will admit, I have felt a little guilty and even disappointed about not having ALL of my time to pour into being a wife and house-keeper. After a full year of having every day to clean and cook, I am missing that just a bit. My house definitely isn't clean most days and I don't cook dinner on a regular basis either, but this is a new season for us.

We are thrilled to be plugged back in to our church and community. And we can definitely see why God gave us a season of rest while in Tennessee. Isn't it amazing how He knows just what we need and when we need it?!

On the fertility front...

I'm in my third month on the new medicine. The first month, unfortunately, ended in another miscarriage. Because of timing, I didn't have an ultrasound to check follicles. So, with the second cycle, I had an ultrasound on day 12 and had 2 follicles. That's pretty amazing considering that's about all I was getting on HIGH doses of injectable meds. For a "low-responder" to react so well to a low-dose medication is really a miracle.

Unfortunately, even with two follicles, I didn't get pregnant. However, because of some blood work the doctor was able to discover that I have a very rapidly decreasing progesterone level. (It basically completely bottoms out instead of slowly declining.) That's probably the reason for the miscarriages. Soooo, we're trying again and adding progesterone supplementation! Keep praying with us!!

I'm going to do better about blogging regularly now that we're settled....or at least I'm going to try!! So stay tuned!!!

New House and New Medicine

I'm finally sitting down and finding time to write a blog....unfortunately, it's because I'm not feeling well tonight! I have no idea what happened, but I was fine all day and then tonight I got very nauseous and am running a low-grade fever. Blah! I honestly think all the craziness of the past couple months is just catching up with me.

I hadn't said much about our house finding process, but am so excited that we did find a house that we love! We'll be closing on it at the end of the month and moving in during the first week of August! It's the perfect little house for us.

It's 3 bedroom and 2 bath and has all of the things we had talked about wanting in a home. We were blessed to find it after it had only been on the market for a few days and were even more blessed by the fact that the people were motivated sellers and we got a great deal! My absolute favorite part of the house is the big fenced-in backyard! I'm envisioning many get-togethers with friends and family, many afternoons of playing with my nieces, and even seeing my own babies play in that yard.

Which bring me to the next thing on my mind tonight...

As I mentioned a while back, I'm taking a "low-dose" fertility med right now and we're trying to get pregnant "on our own". To be honest, the last few months haven't been promising at all. Even though doctor's have told me that it would be difficult for me to conceive, I still have a hard time wrapping my mind around it and it still crushes me when things don't go well. I had a few months of strange and even non-existent cycles. I saw my regular OB here in Indiana and asked about a different medicine that I hadn't taken before. We decided that we might as well give it a try! So I'm now on something new. I had a progesterone level done that revealed that I did actually ovulate this month, so that's a good sign. I know it's a long-shot, but I'm really hoping that this is the medicine that will work for me.

Basically, I guess what I'm saying is that we're not doing any major treatments, but I'm still praying and believing for a miracle. Are you still believing and praying with us?! Please add it to your prayer list. We know that what we need is a complete intervention by God. We'll give Him all the glory when our prayers are answered!!!

Finding My Place

This is one of the posts where I'm going to tread lightly and hope I don't offend anyone. It is in no way meant to make anyone feel bad, it's just how I have been feeling since we got back.

As you know, Jacob and I left Lafayette and moved to Knoxville a year ago. During our year away, I was back visiting several times and had kept in touch with most of my friends in some fashion. We are super excited to be back and were ready to dive right back into to our church, our friendships, our life!

Something weird happens when you're gone for such a short amount of time. It almost feels like we didn't leave, and like life here should have just paused or maybe even gone on exactly "as we knew it". You return thinking that everything will be the same. And it's not! It feels like everything has changed!

These first few weeks have been great, but I also find myself feeling like I'm struggling to find my "place" again. This is especially true at church. We were a part of several ministries, we knew pretty much everyone, and we had a place. Upon returning, ministries have changed, new people have come, and I'm not sure where my place is. I'm not saying these changes are bad, they're just changes that I wasn't here for. Everyone else adjusted gradually over the last year and I came back to a lot of adjustment!

I don't really have a "full-circle way" of wrapping this post up with a pretty bow on top. It almost feels incomplete, but that's really all I have to say about it! I don't want it to sound like I'm complaining. It's not a complaint, it's really just where I am today. I'll find my place, I'll adjust, and I'll be happy to do it!

It's good to be home!

Why am I happy to be home....let me count the reasons! (Not necessarily in order of importance!)

1. MY GIRLS!

As I'm sure you've all realized by now, my nieces are like my own kids. To say we are close would be the understatement of the century! I really can't find words to explain our relationship, but if you know me, you know it's really beyond normal to be so close to someone else's kids. (In a good way!) I was frightened that because we had moved away I would never have the relationship with Bristol that I've gotten to have with Brenna. I cried many tears thinking that she wouldn't "know" me and would cry when she was left with me for any period of time. My heart melts every time I come in and she gives me that giant dimpled grin!!

We took Brenna to see "Judy Moody" today, and they seem to have the same fashion sense! :)

It just doesn't get much cuter than this!!!

2. Our Family!

I love family time, and there's nothing quite as sweet as having a beautiful, strong, fun relationship with your family. I've always been super close with my family, not just my Mom and Dad, but grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, great-aunts, and on and on. I've already gotten in some great family time and expect much more! And not to leave out Jacob's family, we're just as close with them and so excited to be back "amongst them"! Last Wed. night as Sarah and Adam sat in our living room talking and laughing WAY too late into the night, I had a moment of pause and thought to myself "This is exactly as it should be!" I nearly cried!

My beautiful cousin Jessica graduated high school, but her brother Seth passed her up in height!

I've been able to visit and get some snuggle time with my cousin Shayla's little sweet pea, Lynix!

We spent the day at my cousin Morgan's final dance recital...and she was as stunning as ever!

I would never leave out Lynix's big brother and one of my favorite little guys in the whole world, handsome little Laban!

This has become one of my favorite pictures! By the time Makenna finally got to hold Lynix, she was SO over the whole day!

The girls of my family!

3. Our Friends!

I've been so excited already to spend time with some of our closest friends. We've had dinner with some, I've had lunch with several, and spent days just hanging out at home with others. We realize now how beyond blessed we are to have so many amazing, Christian, fun, supportive friends!!! Thank you Josh & Jessie, Destiny, Tami, Julie, and the entire Wednesday night crew for already spending time welcoming us back home!

I have no pictures with my friends! :( But I do have this one of my friend Destiny's little boy hanging out at my apartment with my nieces so that Momma and Daddy could be with the new babies!

4. Our Church!

I'm planning to post sometime in the next couple of days about the adjustment that I've had in moving back into the church after a year, but in general, let me just say that we are thrilled to be back in our church! It just feels "right"! I didn't realize how much I like having so many people who know us and would ask how we are doing with the move, infertility, and even the loss of Kinley. The first Sunday morning back in service, as my brother-in-law Adam led worship, I just let my eyes wander through the church and soaked in the feeling of being back. My eyes stopped on SO many that we trust to pray with us, mentor us, and love us!

It's good to be back!

Still to come are posts on...

What happens when you give Bristol a Twinkie!

The fun that we had in Tennessee with Jacob's family!

My adjustment to fitting back into our church.

I'm Back!

I'm going to try to cram a lot of information into this one post and attempt not to make it too long! I feel like our life has been a complete whirlwind the past month or so and I just haven't been able to keep up with the blogging as our life takes on a whole new direction. So here's the breakdown of April and May...

Fertility -

I saw a "second-opinion" doctor and it went fairly well. I had a test done and am still waiting for the official results of the test, but I'll keep you posted. This doctor seemed to have a lot of the same opinions of the other doctor, but put it all in a much more positive light. I'll be taking Clomid for the next 5-6 months in hopes that what worked before, will work again. It's been difficult for me to balance being hopeful and being realistic, but I'm feeling pretty good about the direction we're going.

Adoption -

We met with two adoption agencies and we had begun the process of deciding which agency to go with and whether we would like to pursue a traditional infant adoption or an embryo adoption. I have an appointment this week to discuss whether embryo adoption is a good fit for us. However, that's all been put on hold because....

Moving!

We're moving!! A couple of weeks ago, Jacob received word that a job was opening up in Lafayette and he was given the option of taking that job. We were shocked at the timing and couldn't believe that our move "home" had come so quickly! We spent last week in Lafayette for Jacob to train on his new job and for us to do some house hunting. Jacob is scheduled to have his last day here on May 20th, then we'll be heading home!! I'll post more about the upcoming move soon.

Mother's Day

I can't let Mother's Day pass by without commenting on it. Yesterday was a tough day for me. It's just not fun to spend a whole day thinking about the fact that I'm a mother that hasn't been allowed to do any mothering. Mother's Day is the one day of the year that the pain of not having Kinley here collides with the pain of infertility and the questioning of whether Mother's Day will ever be a celebratory day for me. It's not fair to not have your baby on Mother's Day, it's not fair to feel yourself hesitate about whether or not to stand up when all the mommy's in church are asked to stand, it's not fair for your husband to be stressed and worried about what to get you because he's walking a fine line between letting the day go unnoticed and trying not to bring about another emotional storm. It's just not fair!

Having said that, I did have my moments of complete breakdown, I cried, I got mad, I felt that deep pain stabbing in my chest. I also felt very loved, completely supported, and utterly blessed....yes, blessed! Blessed to have family and friends that love me enough to remember that the day is hard for me, blessed to have a mom and mother-in-law who are perfect examples for me, and blessed to have a relationship and friendship with God that can carry me through days such as this.

New Medication + Stress = Bad

Hello faithful blog readers!! Sorry I've been so MIA recently. I wish I could come back with an inspiring and encouraging post, but unfortunately you're not going to get that from me today!

I started my new fertility drug and all I can really say is ... UGHHH!! I hope it works, but it's AWFUL! I would honestly rather take the injections nightly than deal with the side effects from the new medicine. I have a horrible headache from the moment I wake up in the morning and spend the whole day waiting for the next hot flash that will leave me drenched in sweat! Lovely, just lovely. And they expect me to feel like..., you know, "TRYING"! Yikes!

So anyway, I only have to take the medicine two more days and then I'm done with it, so I'm hoping that the effects stop when I stop taking the daily dose. I'll have an ultrasound next Wednesday to see how many follicles we're working with this month and if they medication worked to thicken my lining. I'll keep you all updated. Pray, pray, pray for several good follicles!

In other news, my stress level is through the roof! I am really not handling the stresses of life well. In dealing with the infertility and the move to Tennessee (yes I realize it was 4 months ago, but I'm not settled yet), I'm losing my mind....no really, I think I am. I came to the realization today that there's absolutely NO way I'll get pregnant when I'm this much of a mess emotionally. I'm constantly either crying or fighting the urge to cry. I feel sorry for myself and don't understand why nothing in my life seems be working out...something has got to give!!! I'm so very homesick, I miss my baby girl, and I can't believe I'm still not pregnant! Please pray for some relief for me and maybe even a little dose of joy!!

By the way, both my Grandpa Bill and Jacob's Grandma Joan are still in the hospital and could use your prayers as well.

Thank you, thank you, thank you for all the prayers and support!!!

I Want To Go Home!

UPDATE: I came home!!!

Today one overwhelming thought is dominating my mind...

I want to go home!!!!

I hate this time of year and I'm struggling more everyday as Kinley's birthday gets closer. I can remember what I was doing on each day and keep thinking "a year ago today, I was...." Today the thought is that a year ago today I was beginning to realize somewhere in the back of my mind that something wasn't right, but I was ignoring that nagging thought. For the most part, I was happy, for the most part, I was blissfully unaware of just how hard my life was about to get.

But, back to the going home part.....I want nothing more than to be HOME and this just isn't home. I've been lying to people for a couple months now. The conversation goes something like this...

Them: "Tennessee is such a beautiful area! (EVERYONE says this!) How are you liking it?

Me: Always the same response..."I'm getting used to it, it's not home yet, but I like it!"

There it was, the lie, did you catch it?? I don't like it! I don't like it at all. On the list of things I like, living in Tennessee does not appear. Here are a few things I like...

I like seeing Megan and Brenna everyday. I like them to be 5 minutes away and I like being a part of every aspect of Brenna's life... picking her up from school, eating lunch, going to the mall, babysitting....I LIKE that!

I like seeing my Mom and Dad whenever I want. I know I didn't go to Covington as much as I should have when I lived in Lafayette, but I like that I could jump in the car and go if I wanted. I liked seeing them once a week or so.

I like being able to call Rex and Mary on any given Friday night and meet up for dinner with them.

I like being able to text Destiny on a bad day (much like today) and knowing that she'll be there in a half an hour.

I like my little Christian school where the students and staff not only know my story, but walked through it with me.

I like going to church in my own church and being able to pray with people that I don't have to explain my situation to.

I like having friends to meet for lunch and family to go shopping with.

I like that when I'm having one of those just terrible days (like today), someone always stops in with a little gift, food, a distraction, or a plot to get me out of the house and my mind on something else. I like that all it takes is a facebook status to make that happen.

I like living in Lafayette, but I don't like living in Tennessee. I'm trying to make the best of it. I'm trying to meet people. I'm trying to make it home, but it's just not. What I'd really like today is to just go home!!!!!

(Sorry for my "pity me, life is tough attitude", that's just where I am today! And just for the record, this is not an invitation for everyone who's ever moved to tell me how before long I'll consider it home, and love it, and never want to move back. I've heard that all before, and I appreciate it, but now is just not the time!!!!!)