16 Months

It's so hard to believe that it's been 16 months since Kinley passed away. In some ways it feels like only yesterday and in some ways it seems like an eternity ago. I've found it hard to remember what my life was like before I had this hole in my heart.

I've been thinking a lot lately about how far I've come and how much stronger I feel on a daily basis than I did a year ago at this time. Last January there were definitely days that I was sure the pain would literally kill me (and to be honest, I sometimes hoped that it would!) But with every passing day, week, and month, I grew stronger. And I survived!

I was telling my Mom the other day how nice it was that I'm finally to a point that I can think about and even talk about Kinley with joy. I still miss her, of course, and my heart still aches, but I can remember her with a smile on my face most of the time. I can tell people about her without ruining my whole day.

I had that conversation with my Mom about a week ago, and then of course was hit hard with a night like tonight. I have no idea why I'm having such a rough night. Nothing happened, no one said anything to upset me, I just ache to my very core. I miss her and can feel my arms aching to hold her. I'd give anything to kiss her sweet little face and feel her soft skin. I've gone back through her pictures and let myself cry and just miss her. I've read through some of the kind words that people had for us and I've remembered how loved and supported we felt!

It hit me like a ton of bricks! One minute I was fine, the next I was sobbing! I guess there will always be days like today. I'll cry a lot of tears and let myself hurt. But I will continue to survive and I'll still be stronger tomorrow than I was today!

I know I've said this often, but kiss your babies an extra time today, hug them a little tighter, let them snuggle up on the couch with you a little longer, tell them you love them one more time! That's what I would be doing if I could!!!

(In other news...we started injections again today! Oh the joy!! More to come on that in the next couple days!)