And we know that in all things God works for the good of those that love Him, who have been called according to His purpose.
Romans 8:28

Monday, January 3, 2011

God Is In Control

My biggest struggle as a married Christian woman has been the need I have to be in control. It's my biggest struggle in marriage and it's my biggest struggle in my Christian walk. There are positives to being a controlling, organized person, but for the most part, it's my biggest downfall. I have a very hard time trusting someone else to be in control. It comes out often in my married life, and although I'm trying hard to let Jacob be the head of the household, I know I still need a lot of work!

More importantly, it's a recurring obstacle in my relationship with God. Who am I to question God's authority and His purpose for my life?? Yet, still I do! God has stretched me in this a great deal over the last couple of years. Through my pregnancy with Kinley, I did a pretty good job of giving up control. I did what I could to have a healthy pregnancy, but ultimately I knew her life was in God's hands. Walking through losing her, I had little control over much of anything!

In infertility, I've tried desperately to trust God. There's not much that I can control about it, but I must admit that I do like those aspects of it that are controllable and predictable. Although ultimately I have no control over what works and what doesn't, I do like the predictability of knowing some things as absolute. Even through all of the infertility, my cycle has been predictable and reliable. I don't control it necessarily, but I know what to expect. I take a medicine, I have a positive ovulation test on day 14, I ovulate on day 15, I know my exact PMS symptoms, I start my period on day 28. I know everything there is to know about every step of the way. If I can't control it, I can at least be very knowledgeable and informed.

Isn't it fun how God likes to stir things up?! This month, he took complete control of my cycle and shook things up a bit....just to remind me that He's still in control! He's bigger than temperature charts, positive ovulation tests, follicle sizes, periods, and all other aspects of fertility. In the end, He's in control, not me, not the medicine, not the doctor, just Him! So, this is what He had designed for this month....

I was in Indiana because my Grandpa passed away, and as I mentioned before, I had a positive ovulation test on day 12 (not 14 as planned!) which means that I missed my IUI for this month.

I saw the doctor and we made a "plan" for once I started my period. I was to take birth control for about a week and then begin my injectable medications. However, I never started my period. I took a couple pregnancy tests and they were negative. I didn't feel pregnant, and I didn't feel like I was going to start my period. BUT, I know my fertility facts and I know that if you ovulate, you have to have a period. And I know that the number of days between when you ovulate and when you start your period is pretty consistent.

So today, I went back to the doctor. I fully expected them to say that I must not have really ovulated and done a pregnancy test just to be sure. I figured my blood work would come back that I was probably about to start my period and we would go from there.

Oh how I love when God has little surprises in store! The doctor was pretty surprised as well and said he'd do some blood work and try to see what was going on. I likely either ovulated and the egg was "absorbed" by my tubes (apparently this happens occasionally) or didn't ovulate (although he felt pretty strongly that I did based on the size of the follicle and the positive ovulation test). Finally, he said he was really feeling like maybe we should do an ultrasound to see what was going on.

The ultrasound revealed even more surprising news! My uterine lining looked great, just like it should right before I ovulate except that I shouldn't be just about to ovulate! In addition, I had two large follicles! One on each side! I had no medicine and no period, but I have two great follicles that are ready to ovulate any time. The doctor said I had "defied all odds" this month. They really have no idea what happened, but the blood work confirmed that I was ready to ovulate. I basically skipped over the two weeks of my cycle where I have a period and take medicine. We had planned to start injectable medicines, but that's obviously not necessary! We're hoping to have an IUI in the next few days and we're excited to see what God has in store for the next few months!

Thank you God for reminding me that YOU and only YOU are in control!


  1. That's wonderful news!!!

  2. Praise God!!! What a wonderful way for Him to remind you that He is in control!! I too struggle with giving up control and there have obviously been some things in my life that have happened where I was unable to be on control. This is a very scary feeling for me, but it encourages me to hear your story to remind me that giving up control shouldn't be should be exciting because God has such better plans for me than I could ever plan myself. I will be praying for you and your husband as you take this next step! :)

  3. I have goosebumps!!!!!

    From one "control freak" to another, the best thing I ever did for myself is let God take the wheel.

    Love you!

  4. I've been struggling a lot lately with the issue of giving things up to God's hands too, in ways different from yours but alas the problem is still the a wife and mother, I often feel like it's my job to be in control because if it's not, things just may fall apart. When we're so used to running things it's really hard to step back and say, "Ok...whatever You say!"
    I appreciate your story because it's a very good reminder for me that some things just aren't for me to control and I need to have more faith.
    I will certainly be praying hard for you in these next few weeks!!

  5. Rest in Him, as you let him have control.

  6. yeah, I will continue praying for and thinking of you!! oh, how awesome! :)