Surviving Another of "Those" Nights

I had a full and fun day, spent with my sister and my nieces doing some shopping for my new nephew who will be arriving in December. I even got myself a couple of pairs of maternity jeans.

I came home to an empty house because Jacob is gone on a work trip, maybe the quiet and the stillness of the house is what caused the sudden somber feelings. Maybe it was the baby shopping. Maybe it was dinner with a little guy who is the same age as Kinley would be. Maybe it was sorting through some maternity clothes and coming across some I wore when I was pregnant with Kinley. I'm not sure what it was, but suddenly, sitting here in my chair, watching the CMA's, I had an overwhelming feeling of sadness. I suddenly miss Kinley so much. It's inexplicable really. I just sat here sobbing for a long time. There is really no specific reason why this should be a hard evening for me, but it somehow is.

I guess I don't have much to say about it, except that I just miss her today. I want to hold her. I want my house to not be so quiet just because Jacob is gone. I want to give her a bath, lotion her up, put her in her warm pj's, and snuggle up with her in my chair.

I am so incredibly thankful for my time with Kinley. I'm humbled and touched by the lives she's touched. I even know and see how God used her death in ways that only He could. But, that doesn't change the fact that I'm her mommy and some days I just want her back.

I heard the song "Held" on my way home tonight and something struck me. I've listened to it a million times, and have always loved it. But tonight a different part stood out than normal. It says...

This is what it means to be held,
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life,
And you SURVIVE

I suppose maybe it was the song that got me started thinking about my Kinley. Tonight, it was the 'survive' that stood out to me. I can remember many times in those first few months after having Kinley that I was just overcome with hurt. On those days, I really sat and wondered if I could survive it. It sounds silly, but there were times that I was really unsure if I could get up one more day. But I did survive. I'm still surviving every day. And now I don't even wonder if I can or if I will. I cry tonight knowing that tomorrow is a new day!

A Rough Night

WARNING - I'm about to whine for a minute...

I'm just having a bad night. It happens from time to time. One disappointment or hurt leads to another and I just can't shake it.

I kind of had a "weird" cycle this month on the new medicine. I'll probably feel like sharing more later, but for now, I'll just say that it was disappointing. I was especially feeling down this morning and then a dear lady at church prayed an 'amazing, stop in your tracks, that was just what I needed' prayer over me. It gave me strength and peace through the rest of the day.

Then this evening, I felt that fear, disappointment, and raw hurt seeping back in. I'm not angry at God, I don't feel that He let me down, and I still feel like He's in control. But I am hurting.

Being upset about infertility naturally leads to me thinking "if only I had Kinley here". It wouldn't hurt so much not to be able to get pregnant again if I could sneak into her bedroom and watch her sleeping for a few minutes. It wouldn't be so hard if I could hear her say "I love you Mommy!" If I could just snuggle up on the couch with my little girl, that might just be enough to wash the pain of it away.

So tonight, I'm sad because after 3 years of trying, I still don't have a baby to hold. I'm sad that I don't have Kinley and I'm sad that I don't have any more children. I think it's okay to have a bad night from time to time. It's okay to feel some of that ache that's almost always knocking on my heart's door.

Please pray with me that tomorrow will bring a new joy, a new sense of hope, and a new peace.

A New Phase of Grief

I've been thinking a lot lately about the seasons of my grief and how I've mourned different things at different times since Kinley died. I recently heard about another grieving Mommy who's little boy would be 5 this year. It's been a really hard year for her. For some reason, 5 seems different. He'd be getting ready to go to school, he'd be playing t-ball, he'd be a big brother, he'd be learning to ride a bike, he'd be doing all the things that 5-yr old boys do. The grieving seems to never end, it changes, it gets easier, but it never ends!

At first, I really mourned not being pregnant. When I delivered Kinley I was 29 weeks pregnant, so I felt like I should still be pregnant for the next 11 weeks. I really grieved the fact that I wasn't. It was difficult to see pregnant women, I found myself reaching down to touch my belly, and I sometimes even felt "phantom" movement as if I was still pregnant.

As my due date rolled around and approached I really grieved not having my baby (of course I have been grieving that the whole time!) But this was a grief specific to giving birth and having a brand new baby. It hurt so deeply to see tiny little newborns dressed in their Christmas dresses, to attend baby dedications, to hear a baby cry.

A new stage of mourning came when all of the babies who were due around the same time as Kinley started walking. That may sound strange, but it really hit me hard to see them toddling around and think "my baby would be walking". She would have been entering the toddler stage, trying to talk, learning to walk, changing, and growing.

I've recently been feeling a much different sense of loss. Several of the mommies that had babies around when I had Kinley have now had other babies. Their babies are the big sisters or big brothers now. I see them interacting with their new siblings and I can't help but feel an aching in my heart. Not only am I mourning the fact that I'll never get to see Kinley be the "big sis", I'm also mourning the fact that I'm still not even pregnant with the little sibling.

It's so hard not to question God, not to wonder what it is that He's doing in my life, not to give in to feeling defeated and hopeless. It's hard not to feel sorry for myself. It's hard not to give in to the urge to crumble into a ball on the floor and cry. (Yes, I still feel like doing that sometimes!)

It's times like tonight that I cling to the Word of God. I put my hope in His promises, and I cry myself to sleep knowing that He has promised good to me!

He's working ALL things for my good, even the grief...

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28

He's comforting me and using me to comfort others...

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God." 2 Corinthians 1:3-4

He's still my HOPE...

"Against all hope, Abraham, in hope, believed and so became the father of many nations, just as it had been said to him, 'So shall your offspring be.'" ... "Yet he did not waver through unbelief regarding the promise of God, but was strengthened in his faith and gave glory to God, being fully persuaded that God had power to do what he had promised." Romans 4:18,20

In hope, I wait upon Him...

"I wait for the Lord, my whole being waits, and in his word I put my hope." Psalm 130:5

Father's Day

I tried to talk Jacob into writing this Father's Day post from his perspective, but I didn't give him enough time to process it. Maybe next year! For now, you get a Father's Day post taken from the perspective of the grieving Mommy.

Father's Day...another day to grieve. How sad is it that that's what it has become? We celebrate our Dads, we spend time with our families, we paste on smiles to get through the day, but underneath it all is a raw ache.

I hate that while other Daddy's are tucking their babies into bed for the night, laying their hand gently on their little tummies and saying their bedtime prayers, even shedding a few tears at realizing how blessed they are, my husband is laying his hand gently on the top of a headstone, saying a prayer over the gravesite of our daughter, shedding tears of pain and ache.

I hate that when the pastor asks all the Dad's to stand during service, my husband has to hesitate, think about it, and ultimately decide it's easier NOT to.

I hate it that I have to leave service in tears, stand outside for a few minutes to try to calm myself and pull it back together, and return to service hoping to just "make it through".

I hate it that we go to bed at night feeling completely exhausted. Not because we've played hard with our kids all day, but because we've spent the day trying desperately to hold in our true feelings. Last night, my muscles literally ached when I laid down in bed. I had done my best to hold it together for the day, but I was totally spent physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

I hate it that the entire day is filled with an overwhelming sense of guilt for me. Yes, guilt. I know that seems crazy, but the fact that Jacob doesn't have children is ultimately because of me. He's not the one with fertility issues, I am. I don't want to feel guilty, but on day's like Father's Day, I can't help but look at him and think "If it weren't for me, he'd have kids by now."

I hate it that each Father's Day I grasp desperately, trying to hold on to the thread of hope that maybe next year will be different. I especially hate it that many times the fear that next year will be exactly the same drowns out that hope.

I hate it that I'm sitting in front of this computer again, pouring out my heart, with tears running down my face. I hate it that many of you will read this blog post and know exactly how I feel!

I hate it that we live in a fallen world, where even holidays are often clouded by hurt. I know that we're not the only people hurting on Father's Day. There are many people who just had their first Father's Day without their Dad, many that have had too many without their Dad to even count, many children who don't have a Dad to celebrate, many Dads who don't get to celebrate with their kids.

So what is it exactly that I DON'T hate? ...

I love that I have the hope that one day Jacob will spend everyday celebrating being Kinley's Daddy. I love that for all of eternity our days will be overwhelming filled with joy and love and that no sin, no pain, no fear will cloud out that joy. I love that I have a relationship with Christ that gives me that hope!!

Disney World

Last week we spent one beautiful day at Disney World. There was a huge group of us...my Mom, Megan and Douglas and their two beautiful girls, my brother Zack, Sarah and Adam, Becca, Leah, Steffi, Jacob and I. We had such a wonderful time....and YET....

The day started with Brenna taking a visit to the Bibbidi Bobbidi Boutique. She was treated like a true princess and ALL "princessed" up! She was absolutely adorable and SO excited! It was a dream come true for her!!

We rode everything and had very little wait time for any of the rides....except, we did get stuck on The Pirates of the Caribbean for about ten minutes, listening to "Dead men, tell no tales". We made the most of it though and took some cute pics!

My absolute favorite part of Disney World are the parades. It's like your whole childhood wrapped up in a beautiful parade...I love the characters, the music, the entire feel of the parade. Bristol loved the parades too and couldn't take her eyes off of them.

So at the end of this wonderful, magical day, can you imagine that someone would drive back to the beach crying? (Well actually two someone's because my Mom was with me.) In the middle of the magic and enjoying my sweet nieces, I couldn't help but wonder what my baby girl would have been like this year. Last year, she would have been too little to really enjoy Disney World. But this year, at 15 months, she would have loved the parades, marveled in "Small World", and smiled for pictures with the princesses. I thought of Kinley at least a hundred times during the day. Again letting my mind go to what I'm missing out on. It was such a blessing to have another baby girl with us this year, but also such a reminder that it will never be my Kinley.

I tried to keep in mind how much more wonderful and magical heaven is. I mean, if anything is better than Disney World, it's heaven!! She was probably laughing at the way I was wishing she was there, thinking "Mommy, this is SO much better!" But the point is, Disney World is one of the places I dreamed of taking her, and no matter how happy she is in heaven, it still hurts to let go of that dream!

So I held it together all day, but by the time we left we were all exhausted! Some...

More than others....

(This was approximately 10:00 at night!)

And the exhaustion led me to let my guard down and just be sad for awhile. I cried. At the end of my magical day, I still had a hole in my heart. Don't get me wrong, I didn't let it ruin my whole day, but I did give my heart a few minutes at the end of the day to just hurt. And there's a good chance it will happen again next year. That's one of the worst parts of losing a baby, you always have the "what if's" to wonder about!

16 Months

It's so hard to believe that it's been 16 months since Kinley passed away. In some ways it feels like only yesterday and in some ways it seems like an eternity ago. I've found it hard to remember what my life was like before I had this hole in my heart.

I've been thinking a lot lately about how far I've come and how much stronger I feel on a daily basis than I did a year ago at this time. Last January there were definitely days that I was sure the pain would literally kill me (and to be honest, I sometimes hoped that it would!) But with every passing day, week, and month, I grew stronger. And I survived!

I was telling my Mom the other day how nice it was that I'm finally to a point that I can think about and even talk about Kinley with joy. I still miss her, of course, and my heart still aches, but I can remember her with a smile on my face most of the time. I can tell people about her without ruining my whole day.

I had that conversation with my Mom about a week ago, and then of course was hit hard with a night like tonight. I have no idea why I'm having such a rough night. Nothing happened, no one said anything to upset me, I just ache to my very core. I miss her and can feel my arms aching to hold her. I'd give anything to kiss her sweet little face and feel her soft skin. I've gone back through her pictures and let myself cry and just miss her. I've read through some of the kind words that people had for us and I've remembered how loved and supported we felt!

It hit me like a ton of bricks! One minute I was fine, the next I was sobbing! I guess there will always be days like today. I'll cry a lot of tears and let myself hurt. But I will continue to survive and I'll still be stronger tomorrow than I was today!

I know I've said this often, but kiss your babies an extra time today, hug them a little tighter, let them snuggle up on the couch with you a little longer, tell them you love them one more time! That's what I would be doing if I could!!!

(In other news...we started injections again today! Oh the joy!! More to come on that in the next couple days!)

"Bad" day

I started this blog because I wanted to be an encouragement. I wanted people to be able to read my story and be uplifted, challenged, and find their faith strengthened. But, I also wanted it to be real. The reality is that somedays I just don't feel like being encouraging. Somedays I feel like life's not fair. Somedays I feel like I'm so tired from being strong that I can't possibly go on another day. Somedays I feel like the fight in me is just gone!

If I'm being honest, I have to tell you that I'm not always strong. I don't wake up everyday with a scripture in my heart and a song of praise on my lips.....I mean, really, does anyone? Kinley's been gone for almost ten months and there are still days that I don't want to get out of bed. I want to crawl back under the covers and cry. I want to scream at God and tell Him how incredibly unfair it is that I don't have my baby with me. I want to ask Him why He would allow me to struggle with infertility then finally get pregnant only to have her taken from me. I want to know why I'm left to question whether I will ever have a crying baby to hold.

I had one of these "bad" days this past week. I just couldn't shake it. I wanted to cry and I wanted to be mad. I didn't want to hear people tell me that "God still has a plan" or that "His timing is perfect". I wanted to be MAD!! Anyone who couldn't see that just clearly had not been in my shoes. It's not that I don't believe those things, because I do, I just didn't want to hear them.

Okay, so why share this with you all? I guess I just want people to know that sometimes it's okay not to be okay. God sees your pain, He knows your heart, and I believe He understands and even feels what you feel. I think He hurts with you. The point is, you can tell Him how you feel, you can cry all day if you need to, you can yell and scream and be angry. Just don't turn your back on Him, don't let go of His hand.

The great thing is that when you can't cry another tear and the anger seems to have faded some, He'll still be there. I ended my "bad" day with some alone time with God. I put on worship music and while my husband slept upstairs, I decided to stay in prayer and worship until I felt something "give". I did more crying and more questioning, and then I felt that perfect peace. The same peace that covered my hospital room during my labor and delivery and the hours we had with Kinley. I recognized that peaceful feeling and went straight to bed and SLEPT!

And guess what? The sun came up the next day, and it was a new day! It wasn't a perfect day and I wasn't instantly healed of all my hurt and pain, but it was a new day! Thank God for new days and new seasons!!

"Because of the Lord's great love, we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning;" Lamentations 3:22-23

"Weeping may last for the night, but joy comes with the morning." Psalm 30:5

"In the morning, Oh Lord, you hear my voice; in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait in expectation." Psalm 5:3

Please listen to the song that plays on my blog. My wonderful husband wrote the lyrics shortly after our sweet Kinley went to be with Jesus. My cousin and his good friend, Craig Meinhart, wrote the music and recorded the song for us. It's absolutely beautiful and means so much to us!! Let us know what you think!!!

Grow Up In Heaven

Lyrics by Jacob Crum

Music and Vocals by Craig Meinhart

Verse 1

This wasn’t our plan

You fit in my hand

I’m blessed to say

I saw an angel today

Verse 2

Your first steps will be on golden streets

Footprints left from still blackened feet

Forever won’t be that long

I wish I could sing you this song

Chorus

As you, grow up in Heaven

All your life’s been lived

All your purpose is done

I sacrifice the right to hold my little girl

Verse 3

I’m free falling into nothing

Reaching out for life’s shadow

Time would have shown who you’d be

And I’m left to guess how you’ll grow

Bridge

This temporary is shorter than it seems

So trade the lost memories for a chance to dream

Of a place celebrating a baby born asleep

Chorus

As you, grow up in Heaven

All your life’s been lived

All your purpose is done

I sacrifice the right to hold my little girl