Emersyn Kate!

If you read my blogs at all, you know that God has shown himself faithful to Jacob and I time and time again.

Finding out we were pregnant a few months ago was a blessing beyond any words. Of course, immediately you begin to wonder the big question....is it a girl or a boy? I was secretly harboring hopes of a baby girl. I would tell myself that I didn't care either way, but had even prayed that it would be a girl. I have a closet full of pink and frills that I was just dying to open up! I didn't want to replace Kinley, I just wanted God to restore what was lost. A large part of what was lost was all the dreams I had of a baby girl.

So today was the big day. We had a regular doctor's appointment, but because I have ultrasounds every time, I knew we'd be getting a peek at the baby. And I had asked two weeks ago for a "best guess" from the doctor. He couldn't tell then, but promised to try again today. Although he wouldn't say for 100% sure, we are 90% sure that it's a GIRL!! (This will be confirmed in two weeks at my "official" ultrasound!)

Jacob and I had gone back and forth about a few different names, and hadn't really agreed on one for sure until last night. We settled on Emersyn Kate. After my ultrasound, I posted the news on facebook and a couple of hours later, I heard from our church secretary, Vicki. The church always gives you the meaning of the baby's name, the suggested character quality, and the lifetime scripture verse. Typically, these are shared at the dedication for the baby. When we had Kinley we had Vicki look up her information and she shared it with us. We were shocked by how well it fit the situation! God had clearly been in the midst of us choosing her name. Here are her meanings...

McKinley Rebecca
Literal Meaning - "Child of the Scholarly Ruler" (My name literally means "Honorable Ruler")
Character Quality - Peaceful
Lifetime Scripture - Isaiah 11:6 "The wolf will live with the lamb, the leopard will lie down with the goat, the calf and the lion and yearling together; and a little child will lead them."

Vicki had looked Emersyn's name up today and this is what she found for our sweet baby girl...

Emersyn Kate
Meaning - "Daughter of the leader"
Character Quality - Victorious
Lifetime Scripture - Psalm 20:5 - "May we shout for joy over your victory, and in the name of our God set up our banners! May the LORD fulfill all your petitions!"

God certainly has fulfilled ALL our petitions and we are shouting for joy and giving him all the glory! It's awesome when you can see God's hand, even in a name!

Here's a sneak peek of our baby girl...

Precious beyond words!

Giving a "thumbs up"

I love that you can see her little hand!

And Mommy thinks she already looks like Daddy! :)

Flashback...a look at two years ago!

Two years ago, I was facing my first Thanksgiving after Kinley passed away. Feelings were mounting and I was having a very hard time! I thought it might be helpful to look back at that Thanksgiving. Some of you may be facing your first holiday season without your loved one, some of you may be facing your 30th! What I realized is that God has done a lot of healing in this heart of mine in the past two years.

Many of the feelings are still there and I still miss her more than words could ever describe. Reading this still opened the floodgates of my emotion. But at this point in my life, no matter how much I miss her, I KNOW that this is the plan that God had for my life. I know that He's walked every step with me and is using Kinley's story and our testimony to change lives. And I am "Truly Thankful". I'm thankful for Kinley. I'm thankful for the souls that were saved after hearing her story. I'm thankful for the lives that were changed because of "knowing" her. I'm thankful that I had her, and I'm thankful that God has her now. I'm thankful for every little morsel of healing that I've received in the past two years...every prayer, every song that I heard differently, every person who spoke a word of encouragement, every scripture that changed my perspective, every time I felt that God was holding me. I'm thankful!

Here are my words from two years ago....

Can I Truly Be Thankful?


November 26, 2009

I decided instead of writing "Happy Thanksgiving! I'm so thankful for all God has given me!", I would put a little honesty into what I was saying. So here's the thing....I know most of you woke up today and were excited to see friends and family and were thinking how much you have to be thankful for. I, however, woke up and the first thought in my mind was "What do I have to be thankful for....and NO ONE better say "HAPPY" Thanksgiving to me today. It is NOT happy!!!" I know what you're thinking, and you're right, it's a bad attitude and I'm being a brat!!

I left the house to go to Kinley's gravesite thinking that I wasn't happy and I wasn't thankful. This is not how my Thanksgiving was suppose to be. This is not what I signed up for. I didn't spend what seemed like an eternity trying to get pregnant, take fertility meds that made me feel like crap, and endure evening sickness for weeks only to have empty arms when all was said and done. I didn't imagine my life being like this.

I got to the gravesite to find that someone had stolen the Willow Tree angel that Jacob had put out there on the day we buried Kinley....seriously?? So I was feeling even more angry and quite frankly unthankful!

As I sat in my car, with my entire body convulsing in sobs I started to think. I decided that I'm not allowing this day to be like that, I'm not giving Satan any glimpse of victory. God is still good, and not only that, He's still good to ME! So....here are the things I'm thankful for.

- I'm thankful for my husband who is an amazing man of God and my shoulder to cry on. I love him so much!! I know that I am blessed to have him!

- I'm thankful for a family who loves me and supports me. They know that I will have bad days and they cry with me and pray for me. They sat with my for hours at the hospital and have called, sent cards, brought gifts, and poured themselves into me.

- I'm thankful for great friends and an awesome church family who have called, texted, and emailed to let me know they're still thinking about me.

- I'm thankful that I've been bonded through loss to new friends who know exactly how I feel! Tami and Destiny are blessings beyond what words can say! They are wonderful Godly women who have relived their pain to help me through mine.

- I'm so thankful for my sweet Brenna who called this morning to say "I love you Etty! Happy Thanksgiving! You're my best friend....and please don't have 'cry in your eyes'!"

- I'm thankful that God gave me Kinley at all. I don't want to feel this way, but I wouldn't trade it if that meant I never got to have her at all. I loved her from the moment I saw the two lines on the pregnancy test and that love grew with every ultrasound, every kick, every hiccup, and every moment that I had with her. It was solidified when I saw her sweet face, kissed her cheeks, held her tiny hand, and rocked her as she "slept".

- I'm thankful that Kinley will NEVER know the kind of pain that I'm feeling. As a Mommy I will endure this pain willingly knowing that it means that she never has to have a skinned knee, a broken heart, a bad day, or one hint of sadness.

- I'm thankful that God has promised GOOD to me. I don't know what that means for certain, I don't know that He'll answer my prayers the way I want him to, but I know He knows what's best for me. I know He will work it all for good and I know that He sees my pain and He hurts with me and for me.

- Most of all...I'm thankful that I have an assurance that I will see my baby again. I don't wonder, I don't worry, I don't doubt for one instance. I KNOW where she is today and I KNOW that I'll be there with her one day. There's no shadow of doubt in my mind that heaven is a real place, that my baby is there waiting for me, and that I will join her. I know I'll join her because I believe His word, and His word says that all I have to do is accept Him as Lord, believe that Jesus died for my sins, and confess that I'm a sinner.

So I'm not promising a day of no tears. I'm not telling you that this day is easy for me. I'm certainly not saying that I am doing "well" or that I'm "over" our loss. I'm actually promising you that it will continue to be hard for me....today is hard, December 10th will be hard, Christmas will be hard, every September 24th for the rest of my life will be hard. Please don't judge me for how I'm healing, don't say that I need to "move on", don't act as though it never happened, and don't think that having more children someday will take away my pain. My baby died and that hurts more than anything imaginable. BUT....I will survive, I will have joy again, I will have peace in God, and I will spend eternity with my precious Kinley, and I will be THANKFUL.

May you too be blessed and be thankful no matter what this life brings you....

Surviving Another of "Those" Nights

I had a full and fun day, spent with my sister and my nieces doing some shopping for my new nephew who will be arriving in December. I even got myself a couple of pairs of maternity jeans.

I came home to an empty house because Jacob is gone on a work trip, maybe the quiet and the stillness of the house is what caused the sudden somber feelings. Maybe it was the baby shopping. Maybe it was dinner with a little guy who is the same age as Kinley would be. Maybe it was sorting through some maternity clothes and coming across some I wore when I was pregnant with Kinley. I'm not sure what it was, but suddenly, sitting here in my chair, watching the CMA's, I had an overwhelming feeling of sadness. I suddenly miss Kinley so much. It's inexplicable really. I just sat here sobbing for a long time. There is really no specific reason why this should be a hard evening for me, but it somehow is.

I guess I don't have much to say about it, except that I just miss her today. I want to hold her. I want my house to not be so quiet just because Jacob is gone. I want to give her a bath, lotion her up, put her in her warm pj's, and snuggle up with her in my chair.

I am so incredibly thankful for my time with Kinley. I'm humbled and touched by the lives she's touched. I even know and see how God used her death in ways that only He could. But, that doesn't change the fact that I'm her mommy and some days I just want her back.

I heard the song "Held" on my way home tonight and something struck me. I've listened to it a million times, and have always loved it. But tonight a different part stood out than normal. It says...

This is what it means to be held,
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life,
And you SURVIVE

I suppose maybe it was the song that got me started thinking about my Kinley. Tonight, it was the 'survive' that stood out to me. I can remember many times in those first few months after having Kinley that I was just overcome with hurt. On those days, I really sat and wondered if I could survive it. It sounds silly, but there were times that I was really unsure if I could get up one more day. But I did survive. I'm still surviving every day. And now I don't even wonder if I can or if I will. I cry tonight knowing that tomorrow is a new day!