I had a full and fun day, spent with my sister and my nieces doing some shopping for my new nephew who will be arriving in December. I even got myself a couple of pairs of maternity jeans.
I came home to an empty house because Jacob is gone on a work trip, maybe the quiet and the stillness of the house is what caused the sudden somber feelings. Maybe it was the baby shopping. Maybe it was dinner with a little guy who is the same age as Kinley would be. Maybe it was sorting through some maternity clothes and coming across some I wore when I was pregnant with Kinley. I'm not sure what it was, but suddenly, sitting here in my chair, watching the CMA's, I had an overwhelming feeling of sadness. I suddenly miss Kinley so much. It's inexplicable really. I just sat here sobbing for a long time. There is really no specific reason why this should be a hard evening for me, but it somehow is.
I guess I don't have much to say about it, except that I just miss her today. I want to hold her. I want my house to not be so quiet just because Jacob is gone. I want to give her a bath, lotion her up, put her in her warm pj's, and snuggle up with her in my chair.
I am so incredibly thankful for my time with Kinley. I'm humbled and touched by the lives she's touched. I even know and see how God used her death in ways that only He could. But, that doesn't change the fact that I'm her mommy and some days I just want her back.
I heard the song "Held" on my way home tonight and something struck me. I've listened to it a million times, and have always loved it. But tonight a different part stood out than normal. It says...
This is what it means to be held,
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life,
And you SURVIVE
I suppose maybe it was the song that got me started thinking about my Kinley. Tonight, it was the 'survive' that stood out to me. I can remember many times in those first few months after having Kinley that I was just overcome with hurt. On those days, I really sat and wondered if I could survive it. It sounds silly, but there were times that I was really unsure if I could get up one more day. But I did survive. I'm still surviving every day. And now I don't even wonder if I can or if I will. I cry tonight knowing that tomorrow is a new day!