And we know that in all things God works for the good of those that love Him, who have been called according to His purpose.
Romans 8:28

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Surviving Another of "Those" Nights

I had a full and fun day, spent with my sister and my nieces doing some shopping for my new nephew who will be arriving in December. I even got myself a couple of pairs of maternity jeans.

I came home to an empty house because Jacob is gone on a work trip, maybe the quiet and the stillness of the house is what caused the sudden somber feelings. Maybe it was the baby shopping. Maybe it was dinner with a little guy who is the same age as Kinley would be. Maybe it was sorting through some maternity clothes and coming across some I wore when I was pregnant with Kinley. I'm not sure what it was, but suddenly, sitting here in my chair, watching the CMA's, I had an overwhelming feeling of sadness. I suddenly miss Kinley so much. It's inexplicable really. I just sat here sobbing for a long time. There is really no specific reason why this should be a hard evening for me, but it somehow is.

I guess I don't have much to say about it, except that I just miss her today. I want to hold her. I want my house to not be so quiet just because Jacob is gone. I want to give her a bath, lotion her up, put her in her warm pj's, and snuggle up with her in my chair.

I am so incredibly thankful for my time with Kinley. I'm humbled and touched by the lives she's touched. I even know and see how God used her death in ways that only He could. But, that doesn't change the fact that I'm her mommy and some days I just want her back.

I heard the song "Held" on my way home tonight and something struck me. I've listened to it a million times, and have always loved it. But tonight a different part stood out than normal. It says...

This is what it means to be held,
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life,

I suppose maybe it was the song that got me started thinking about my Kinley. Tonight, it was the 'survive' that stood out to me. I can remember many times in those first few months after having Kinley that I was just overcome with hurt. On those days, I really sat and wondered if I could survive it. It sounds silly, but there were times that I was really unsure if I could get up one more day. But I did survive. I'm still surviving every day. And now I don't even wonder if I can or if I will. I cry tonight knowing that tomorrow is a new day!


  1. Hugs my friend! I talked about kinley today as a matter of fact...with a pretty cool nurse friend of mine!!

  2. Kinley is real and living in another place so you will miss her and will wish she was here. That's only normal, sweetie. Different things will trigger that. Not unusual at all. You also have a wonderful little life inside of you that is growing and being nurtured and one day you will have a sweet one to hold and love on. Not one to replace Kinley though. She can never be replaced, ever. Doesn't need to be, because she's waiting on us all in a real place. Love you and mamaw is praying for you.

  3. Such the perfect post Erica. I have really been struggling the last couple days- just overcome with sadness, with no 'reason' for it. Last night I wondered to myself, if this hurt will ever go away? Ever be more of a memory than feeling like constant heartache? I think the culmination of the Indy Star interview for Beats for Bristol, and Brody's upcoming birthday has my feelings and emotions in a whirlwind... love & hugs to you!