And we know that in all things God works for the good of those that love Him, who have been called according to His purpose.
Romans 8:28

Tuesday, April 23, 2013


***I wrote this several nights ago and hadn't felt like it was the right time to post it.  For some reason, today in the midst of trying to clean my house and keep both Bristol and (a now walking!) Emmy both alive, I felt like I needed to log in and post this.  Maybe someone needs it today....***

 If you have never experienced the loss of a child you probably won't understand this. You'll probably think I'm crazy. But if you have, I hope that it helps you to realize that you're not crazy. I'm writing this because I want someone to know that they're not the only person that feels this way or has these thoughts. So if you finish reading this and think I'm a complete nutball, that's fine, I wasn't writing it for you anyway! :-)

Here are some of the things that I'm plagued with because of experiencing a stillbirth...

On the day of my ultrasound a few weeks ago, I stood in the kitchen washing dishes and thinking about how I should clean the house up because if something was wrong or if my baby was dead, there would be people coming into the house and I wouldn't feel like cleaning up then. It should at least be presentable just in case...

On appointment days I think about if I really want to wear those clothes because if something happens, I won't ever be able to wear them again without thinking of the bad.  I remember exactly what I was wearing the day we found out Kinley was gone. I cry when I come across it in the bin of maternity clothes.  I don't wear my favorites to the doctor any more.

When working on pictures for Emmy's slideshow for her birthday, I seriously considered removing the picture in her 'Big Sis' shirt because if this baby dies that one picture will forever haunt me in the midst of what should be Emmy's video.

When visiting Kinley's grave I sometimes get a panic attack about how many more babies have been buried there, not only because I hurt for those families, but because the available plots are getting further and further away from Kinley, in case I ever need to bury another baby. Should I have purchased the one next to her just in case?

When I find out about people being pregnant, I sometimes feel afraid for them before I feel excited for them. Often my first thought is, 'Oh God, please don't let them go through what I've been through!'

I'm not crazy. I'm not twisted. I'm not morbid. I'm just forever changed. I'm scarred. I don't have to imagine the worst, because I lived the worst. And I live in fear that I'll live it again. I'm scared to pray for God's will because I'm afraid that His will might be that it happen to me again.

I've read all of the scriptures on fear. Trust me, I've looked them up! I don't need to be told that God has not given me a spirit of fear...

It's kind of like when I fell off the monkey bars as a kid and broke my arm...I never forgot that feeling.  Even after the cast was gone, I still wasn't sure about getting back up on those bars again.  I did get back up, but I was always cautious about it.  And I always had the thought that the worst could happen in the back of my mind.  Before that day, it had never crossed my mind! But after it happened, it could never be erased.  It didn't keep me from being a kid, it didn't cause me to live my life in fear, but it did give me pause.  The thoughts of falling still randomly crossed my mind with no warning.

I know that's a silly analogy, but you get the point.  I am forever changed by Kinley and by her pregnancy.  One thing that will never be the same for me is another pregnancy.  I wish I could blindly glide through my pregnancy with excitement and joy and never even consider something being wrong.  I did that with most of Kinley's pregnancy!  But that is no longer my reality. My reality now is that I know the worst and those thoughts are forever popping into my mind with no warning. 

The key for me is not to dwell there.  That's not easy, but it's possible! I say a lot of quick prayers for peace!  I recite those scriptures that are engrained in my head!  And I remember that even though I would NEVER want to experience it again, I did survive losing Kinley.  And if God called me to do it again, He would walk me through it again and I would survive.  And just like I did last time, I'd come out on the other side a better person...more eternally minded, more aware of what's really important in life, less concerned with being who people want me to be and more concerned with being exactly what God has called me to be!


  1. Nope, you're not weird!

  2. I have no words... only tears, Sweetie. Knowing that only God can give you the comfort that you need during those times, I will continue to pray for him to do that for you and you know that I am here if there is anything you ever need..... Love you so very much, Mamaw Fairchild

  3. You are not crazy at all! I have not lost a child, but I have went through a terrible divorce. The same thoughts you have when you hear someone is pregnant are the same thoughts I have when I hear someone is engaged. I immediately think to myself, "I hope they do not have to go through what I've been through." I even would say I've felt pitty on couples during that "puppy love" or "honeymoon" stage, simply because I know how fast it can wear off and how horrible things can be. I am engaged now and although I am elated, I am cautious. People who have never been through a divorce or loss of a child cannot imagine the pain and the deep scars it leaves. I thank God for you and your ability to share your experiences!

    We went to sunday school together in Covington. I'm so happy to see you are still serving the Lord. Love, Jennifer (Brewer) Mendoza

  4. WOW ! how touching was your story <3 we lost a grand daughter she was born sleeping in Jesus loving arms on July 20,2011 Baby "Elena" she had Turners Syndrome/premature how my life changed as the nana as I knew no other grandma to share my feelings with no one to relate how I was feeling with. when my daughter became preg with their son we was all on pins and needles they watched very him close, we was thrilled to know it was a boy then we knew it couldn't be TS since it only effects lil girls. I know she dreaded to get a ultra sound as I wanted to see and make sure everything was ok. then one day something was wrong with his cord a blockage he wasn't gaining weight as he should be so then they watched them twice a week, and one day after another ultra sound Dr. said its time to have him and get him and take care of him. SO being it was a week before her due date we was ok with this and knew they could better deal with him. so on Aug 28,2012 she had our lil blessing Isaiah he tipped the scales at 5.1 Lbs and is doing great ! as the Nana here I don't understand why we lost baby "Elena" nor do I know why some has lost even more than our loss. But one thing I do know is God has a plan even if I don't want to see it or understand it I know his will is not ours and I love and trust him enough that he knows all even though my flesh can not see any point of it I know he is in control and knows all things when I only think I do. And I could not think of any ones arms that could hole her any better than the one that created her. As hard as death is the Bible tells us death follows birth and no matter when our time is up we have to know and ask our selves are we ready for Heaven, cause we know them lil babies are already there and we are here striving to get there when our turn is next. <3

  5. This is beautiful Erica... so sad, but so beautiful... because you are being completely honest and at the same time choosing to trust your Heavenly Father. Trust isn't "assuming" that things will turn out the way we want them to. Trust is choosing to believe that no matter what happens, God is in control and will take care of us through the good and the bad, the happy and the sad. I'm praying for you through this pregnancy!

  6. Perfectly said. For some reason I kept going over things today- maybe because Colton's appointment is tomorrow and I fear the worst...regardless, I kept coming back to the idea that there are three things people who experience the loss a child share. Even though we each have different stories, different ways of grieving, and different paths, we can relate because of these three things...
    1. We've experienced the worst kind of heartache.
    2. We've had dreams shattered.
    3. Life will never be the same, we will never be the same.