Medication Update

So today I did a little bit of venting/whining to some of my family and friends. For some reason my injection sites are really sore this time around. My muscles are aching like I just ran a marathon (okay, I may be exaggerating a little since I've never run a marathon and can imagine that would probably be worse!) But, the point is I'm hurting and it's not fun. On top of that, I'm having terrible headaches. I'm assuming it's from the Lupron shot which I take in the morning because I wake up fine, but by noon it starts to hurt and gets steadily worse all day.

So I complained a little via text message and phone call to some understanding friends and family! (Sometimes a girl just needs to vent!) I felt guilty when I did it because #1) Some of them have done IVF which I know is worse than this! and #2) I would really do anything to have a baby and I did choose to do this!

So, about the time I stopped complaining my phone rang and it was my nurse with my blood test results. My levels went up, but not as much as they had hoped. She explained that they weren't concerned yet and figured I was just slow to get rolling. (This has happened to me every time!) But because we had decided to be more aggressive this time, the blood test meant a change in my medication. I'll now do two injections of the Lupron daily (one in the morning and one at night) and two injections of the HMG everyday (one in the morning and one at night).

That will teach me to complain about 2 shots a day... now I get to do 4!!!

I'm most concerned that the Lupron-induced headaches will be really bad now that I have to take two of them and that the added medication is going to quickly cost us much more money than we had planned. Please pray with us that the medication will start to work quickly and that the side-effects will decrease! Thanks so much!!

Life As I Know It...

As promised, here's the "more info" about our most current attempts at getting pregnant!

First, let me say that for those of you who have been through the full gamut of treatment, I realize that this isn't the "worst" that there is. For those of you who haven't, it's not fun, but when you really want a baby, it's not all that bad!

This is what my life looks like right now....

Okay, not my whole life, but at least a portion of it!!

In the morning, I do an injection in my stomach. I do this one myself because since it's in my belly, I can see to do it. It's not bad at all, although it is leaving bruises. This is a micro-dose injection of Lupron. (This is the same medication that I was given an injection of a year ago to induce a menopause-like state. However, in this much smaller dose it works differently.) The point of the Lupron is to keep me from ovulating on my own, which means they can "stimulate" for more days and allow more follicles to mature. Like I said, this shot is in my stomach and I use a very small needle. Actually I use this needle...

It's only about a 3/4 inch needle and it's similar to those used for insulin injections.

Then each night we do a second injection. I say "we" because I can't do this one by myself. It's given in my "hip" (which really means my butt!) It's a much larger needle and it hurts much worse!! As you can see from the first picture, I'm mixing 2 vials of dissolvent solution with 4 amps of medication. 4 amps of HMG is the most that they will give me for an IUI, so it's a pretty high dose. Oh and each of those tiny amps of medicine costs $30. Therefore, I'm injecting $120 worth of medicine each night!! This could continue for anywhere between 8 and 12 days! Yikes! (All of our Christmas money plus some is going to fund this attempt!)

The hope is that it will help to stimulate multiple follicles instead of just one or two. Like I said, Jacob does this shot for me each night. He's pretty good and most of the time it's not too bad. I'm sore in the injection spots the next day, but it's nothing major. And because we're currently out of practice on it, the last few days have been kind of tough! Here's the larger needle that we use for the night time shot.

It's a 1 & 1/2 inch needle. The lady at the pharmacy said "Are you sure this is right? Do you realize that this is a really BIG needle?" Yes I do, and thank you for pointing that out!! :)

So, that's it, that's life as we know it! I'll be going in every other day for blood work and an ultrasound to monitor how quickly I'm stimulating. When the follicles are ready, I'll be given a different shot to force my body to ovulate. Then we'll have an IUI. Please be praying that this goes according to God's plan!

16 Months

It's so hard to believe that it's been 16 months since Kinley passed away. In some ways it feels like only yesterday and in some ways it seems like an eternity ago. I've found it hard to remember what my life was like before I had this hole in my heart.

I've been thinking a lot lately about how far I've come and how much stronger I feel on a daily basis than I did a year ago at this time. Last January there were definitely days that I was sure the pain would literally kill me (and to be honest, I sometimes hoped that it would!) But with every passing day, week, and month, I grew stronger. And I survived!

I was telling my Mom the other day how nice it was that I'm finally to a point that I can think about and even talk about Kinley with joy. I still miss her, of course, and my heart still aches, but I can remember her with a smile on my face most of the time. I can tell people about her without ruining my whole day.

I had that conversation with my Mom about a week ago, and then of course was hit hard with a night like tonight. I have no idea why I'm having such a rough night. Nothing happened, no one said anything to upset me, I just ache to my very core. I miss her and can feel my arms aching to hold her. I'd give anything to kiss her sweet little face and feel her soft skin. I've gone back through her pictures and let myself cry and just miss her. I've read through some of the kind words that people had for us and I've remembered how loved and supported we felt!

It hit me like a ton of bricks! One minute I was fine, the next I was sobbing! I guess there will always be days like today. I'll cry a lot of tears and let myself hurt. But I will continue to survive and I'll still be stronger tomorrow than I was today!

I know I've said this often, but kiss your babies an extra time today, hug them a little tighter, let them snuggle up on the couch with you a little longer, tell them you love them one more time! That's what I would be doing if I could!!!

(In other news...we started injections again today! Oh the joy!! More to come on that in the next couple days!)

God Is In Control

My biggest struggle as a married Christian woman has been the need I have to be in control. It's my biggest struggle in marriage and it's my biggest struggle in my Christian walk. There are positives to being a controlling, organized person, but for the most part, it's my biggest downfall. I have a very hard time trusting someone else to be in control. It comes out often in my married life, and although I'm trying hard to let Jacob be the head of the household, I know I still need a lot of work!

More importantly, it's a recurring obstacle in my relationship with God. Who am I to question God's authority and His purpose for my life?? Yet, still I do! God has stretched me in this a great deal over the last couple of years. Through my pregnancy with Kinley, I did a pretty good job of giving up control. I did what I could to have a healthy pregnancy, but ultimately I knew her life was in God's hands. Walking through losing her, I had little control over much of anything!

In infertility, I've tried desperately to trust God. There's not much that I can control about it, but I must admit that I do like those aspects of it that are controllable and predictable. Although ultimately I have no control over what works and what doesn't, I do like the predictability of knowing some things as absolute. Even through all of the infertility, my cycle has been predictable and reliable. I don't control it necessarily, but I know what to expect. I take a medicine, I have a positive ovulation test on day 14, I ovulate on day 15, I know my exact PMS symptoms, I start my period on day 28. I know everything there is to know about every step of the way. If I can't control it, I can at least be very knowledgeable and informed.

Isn't it fun how God likes to stir things up?! This month, he took complete control of my cycle and shook things up a bit....just to remind me that He's still in control! He's bigger than temperature charts, positive ovulation tests, follicle sizes, periods, and all other aspects of fertility. In the end, He's in control, not me, not the medicine, not the doctor, just Him! So, this is what He had designed for this month....

I was in Indiana because my Grandpa passed away, and as I mentioned before, I had a positive ovulation test on day 12 (not 14 as planned!) which means that I missed my IUI for this month.

I saw the doctor and we made a "plan" for once I started my period. I was to take birth control for about a week and then begin my injectable medications. However, I never started my period. I took a couple pregnancy tests and they were negative. I didn't feel pregnant, and I didn't feel like I was going to start my period. BUT, I know my fertility facts and I know that if you ovulate, you have to have a period. And I know that the number of days between when you ovulate and when you start your period is pretty consistent.

So today, I went back to the doctor. I fully expected them to say that I must not have really ovulated and done a pregnancy test just to be sure. I figured my blood work would come back that I was probably about to start my period and we would go from there.

Oh how I love when God has little surprises in store! The doctor was pretty surprised as well and said he'd do some blood work and try to see what was going on. I likely either ovulated and the egg was "absorbed" by my tubes (apparently this happens occasionally) or didn't ovulate (although he felt pretty strongly that I did based on the size of the follicle and the positive ovulation test). Finally, he said he was really feeling like maybe we should do an ultrasound to see what was going on.

The ultrasound revealed even more surprising news! My uterine lining looked great, just like it should right before I ovulate except that I shouldn't be just about to ovulate! In addition, I had two large follicles! One on each side! I had no medicine and no period, but I have two great follicles that are ready to ovulate any time. The doctor said I had "defied all odds" this month. They really have no idea what happened, but the blood work confirmed that I was ready to ovulate. I basically skipped over the two weeks of my cycle where I have a period and take medicine. We had planned to start injectable medicines, but that's obviously not necessary! We're hoping to have an IUI in the next few days and we're excited to see what God has in store for the next few months!

Thank you God for reminding me that YOU and only YOU are in control!