Today we found out that our most recent fertility attempt failed. I have been doing better each month at handling that news, but this one was tough.
I started the month off praying, not that the IUI would work, but that if this was God's timing everything would go well. I also prayed, that if not, God would not allow the cycle to be "smooth". I just asked Him to give me some clues that it's not time yet....a bad blood test, not many follicles, a difficult IUI, just something to clue me in.
The entire cycle went perfectly. Everything went great and looked great right up until today. I had almost allowed myself to believe that it had actually worked and I was pregnant. Then all hope was shattered again.
I was upset, I was frustrated, I was disappointed, I was angry! I cried, I prayed, I cried, I stared at the wall blankly, I cried. After a couple hours, I decided I needed to get up and do something, so I put on my worship music and started cleaning the house. As I cleared off the coffee table I, of course, came across a Parenting magazine that had come in the mail the day before. (I have NO idea why I'm still getting them anyway!)
I snapped! I got very angry...angry to the point that I literally threw the magazine across my living room and into the kitchen. It hit my refrigerator and knocked all the papers off, and I screamed. It wasn't a scared scream, it was a loud angry scream!! And then I collapsed into a heap on my floor and sobbed.
I was and still am angry at God. I'm angry that Kinley is gone. I'm angry that I can't get pregnant. I'm angry that I'm 6 1/2 hours away from most of the people who love me. But most of all, I'm angry that God allowed everything this month to go well and then didn't allow me to become pregnant. I don't understand what His purpose was for that. I may never understand.
I know that lots of time people comment on how "strong" I am, but I assure you, I'm very human!!! The truth is, I'm on the edge of losing it! I'm exhausted physically, emotionally, and spiritually.
Luckily, my angry tantrum with God today will pass. It's much like when I get angry with my husband. I may spout off in my anger, but when it's over, I know and he knows that I still love him. I'm not giving up, I'm not giving in, I'm just getting my anger out. I can't guarantee that tomorrow will be any better than today, but I know God's not done yet!!