A Rough Night

WARNING - I'm about to whine for a minute...

I'm just having a bad night. It happens from time to time. One disappointment or hurt leads to another and I just can't shake it.

I kind of had a "weird" cycle this month on the new medicine. I'll probably feel like sharing more later, but for now, I'll just say that it was disappointing. I was especially feeling down this morning and then a dear lady at church prayed an 'amazing, stop in your tracks, that was just what I needed' prayer over me. It gave me strength and peace through the rest of the day.

Then this evening, I felt that fear, disappointment, and raw hurt seeping back in. I'm not angry at God, I don't feel that He let me down, and I still feel like He's in control. But I am hurting.

Being upset about infertility naturally leads to me thinking "if only I had Kinley here". It wouldn't hurt so much not to be able to get pregnant again if I could sneak into her bedroom and watch her sleeping for a few minutes. It wouldn't be so hard if I could hear her say "I love you Mommy!" If I could just snuggle up on the couch with my little girl, that might just be enough to wash the pain of it away.

So tonight, I'm sad because after 3 years of trying, I still don't have a baby to hold. I'm sad that I don't have Kinley and I'm sad that I don't have any more children. I think it's okay to have a bad night from time to time. It's okay to feel some of that ache that's almost always knocking on my heart's door.

Please pray with me that tomorrow will bring a new joy, a new sense of hope, and a new peace.