And we know that in all things God works for the good of those that love Him, who have been called according to His purpose.
Romans 8:28

Sunday, July 17, 2011

A Rough Night

WARNING - I'm about to whine for a minute...

I'm just having a bad night. It happens from time to time. One disappointment or hurt leads to another and I just can't shake it.

I kind of had a "weird" cycle this month on the new medicine. I'll probably feel like sharing more later, but for now, I'll just say that it was disappointing. I was especially feeling down this morning and then a dear lady at church prayed an 'amazing, stop in your tracks, that was just what I needed' prayer over me. It gave me strength and peace through the rest of the day.

Then this evening, I felt that fear, disappointment, and raw hurt seeping back in. I'm not angry at God, I don't feel that He let me down, and I still feel like He's in control. But I am hurting.

Being upset about infertility naturally leads to me thinking "if only I had Kinley here". It wouldn't hurt so much not to be able to get pregnant again if I could sneak into her bedroom and watch her sleeping for a few minutes. It wouldn't be so hard if I could hear her say "I love you Mommy!" If I could just snuggle up on the couch with my little girl, that might just be enough to wash the pain of it away.

So tonight, I'm sad because after 3 years of trying, I still don't have a baby to hold. I'm sad that I don't have Kinley and I'm sad that I don't have any more children. I think it's okay to have a bad night from time to time. It's okay to feel some of that ache that's almost always knocking on my heart's door.

Please pray with me that tomorrow will bring a new joy, a new sense of hope, and a new peace.


  1. Praying for you sweetie.. I wish I could just take it from you and let you heal. I wish that so much of the time. Don't like to see my sweet Erica hurting. I'm sitting here in tears as I type because I know that there is nothing I can do but pray for you. I'm a fixer, you know that, and it's something Mamaw can't fix on my own. Only God.......Praying for your tomorrows too. Love you so very much.

  2. I am praying for you Erica and Jacob. You are never far from my mind and always in my daily prayers. I will pray for you peace, strength, and joy. You are wonderful people and you both will be great parents when the Lord blesses you with a sweet bundle to hold. Until then, continuous prayers your way, hold tight onto God's loving hand.

  3. praying for you...and so thankful to know that my feelings aren't alone...hugs to you!

  4. still praying and standing with you.- johnna