When it comes to losing a child, there tends to be a misconception that once you become pregnant, you no longer hurt as deeply as you did before you got pregnant. I just want to clear up quickly, that the pain of losing Kinley is no less today than it was 10 weeks ago. The pain has changed many times over the past two years, and it's definitely different today than it was two years ago, but having another baby doesn't in any way take away that pain. Instead, like many other things have, it adds a new level to the hurt.
First, being pregnant again is a constant reminder of my pregnancy with Kinley. I'm reminded daily of every thought, dream, and hope I had for her. There were times before that being around pregnant women was just too much, I had to escape "pregnancy" to give my heart a break from the hurt that it reminded me of. Now, I have no escape. Pregnancy is scary for me, and it's hard to remind myself that it doesn't usually end in pain.
In addition to that, being pregnant again brings about an entirely new thing to mourn. Watching Brenna, and even Bristol, become aware of and get excited about my pregnancy is so much fun, but my mind can't help but wander to how Kinley would be reacting to this baby. Would she understand what was going on? Would she be excited? Would she be a jealous big sister? When that blessed day comes, I'll be overjoyed to welcome our new baby, but I also can't help but expect that there will be a hole in the joy. The pictures won't quite seem complete without the big sister there to share in the day.
Please don't think that I'm just being negative or that I'm any less excited about the baby because of losing Kinley. I'm still about to bust at the seams with joy and excitement. I will be the happiest new mommy you've ever seen! And I'm thanking God daily, even hourly for this blessing!!! I just don't want anyone to make the misassumption that getting pregnant has somehow "healed" me from my loss. A new baby can't bring a new level of healing, only a loving God can do that!