This scripture has been running through my head for the last couple days and for a minute it's comforting, He has a plan, He knows what He's doing. But it's generally been followed by the questioning and even anger.....Is this really Your plan? What good is coming from this? Why did I finally get pregnant if I wasn't going to get to "keep" her? Why am I in Knoxville away from my family and friends trying to navigate this alone? Why are my fertility attempts now failing?
Then this morning, I remembered a conversation that I had with my niece Brenna last week. She asked me when Kinley gets to "come back" and I started to remind her that she won't get to come back. She gave me a look that sad, "you are so confused" and said "But Etty, you said after we go to heaven, then God will make a brand new earth and we'll get to come back and she'll get to stay with us forever." We had talked a few weeks ago about heaven and she was asking me why we had to leave here and we couldn't just stay on earth, so I explained to her that someday God would make a new heaven and a new earth.
So, what does that have to do with my questioning of God....well she doesn't question! She has the faith of a child (you know, that kind of faith that we're supposed to have too?!) You tell her that God has a plan and she just trusts that He does and not only that, but that's it's GOOD. She didn't ask me why or worry about what would happen in the meantime, she's just looking forward to the promise that God gave her. And in the meantime, Brenna's living in the now and enjoying the beauty of each day that God gives her.
Now, I know she's a three-year old child and her life can't really be near as difficult or involved as ours, but she knows what suffering is. She lost Kinley when I did and it hurt her too. When I moved away, it devastated her as much as it did me. She cries when I leave too. But she also trusts us when we say "It will all work out, God has a plan!"
Let's all try today to have Brenna-sized faith. Let's try to call unto Him and really believe not only that he hears us, but that he's working on our behalf. God has a plan for me and it's so much bigger than the one that I have for myself. He's doing great things. And even if nothing in this life ever goes how I hope that it does.....isn't it worth it in the end? His ultimate plan is for us to spend all of eternity in a sin-less and perfect world.
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