And we know that in all things God works for the good of those that love Him, who have been called according to His purpose.
Romans 8:28

Sunday, July 18, 2010

"Bad" day

I started this blog because I wanted to be an encouragement. I wanted people to be able to read my story and be uplifted, challenged, and find their faith strengthened. But, I also wanted it to be real. The reality is that somedays I just don't feel like being encouraging. Somedays I feel like life's not fair. Somedays I feel like I'm so tired from being strong that I can't possibly go on another day. Somedays I feel like the fight in me is just gone!

If I'm being honest, I have to tell you that I'm not always strong. I don't wake up everyday with a scripture in my heart and a song of praise on my lips.....I mean, really, does anyone? Kinley's been gone for almost ten months and there are still days that I don't want to get out of bed. I want to crawl back under the covers and cry. I want to scream at God and tell Him how incredibly unfair it is that I don't have my baby with me. I want to ask Him why He would allow me to struggle with infertility then finally get pregnant only to have her taken from me. I want to know why I'm left to question whether I will ever have a crying baby to hold.

I had one of these "bad" days this past week. I just couldn't shake it. I wanted to cry and I wanted to be mad. I didn't want to hear people tell me that "God still has a plan" or that "His timing is perfect". I wanted to be MAD!! Anyone who couldn't see that just clearly had not been in my shoes. It's not that I don't believe those things, because I do, I just didn't want to hear them.

Okay, so why share this with you all? I guess I just want people to know that sometimes it's okay not to be okay. God sees your pain, He knows your heart, and I believe He understands and even feels what you feel. I think He hurts with you. The point is, you can tell Him how you feel, you can cry all day if you need to, you can yell and scream and be angry. Just don't turn your back on Him, don't let go of His hand.

The great thing is that when you can't cry another tear and the anger seems to have faded some, He'll still be there. I ended my "bad" day with some alone time with God. I put on worship music and while my husband slept upstairs, I decided to stay in prayer and worship until I felt something "give". I did more crying and more questioning, and then I felt that perfect peace. The same peace that covered my hospital room during my labor and delivery and the hours we had with Kinley. I recognized that peaceful feeling and went straight to bed and SLEPT!

And guess what? The sun came up the next day, and it was a new day! It wasn't a perfect day and I wasn't instantly healed of all my hurt and pain, but it was a new day! Thank God for new days and new seasons!!

"Because of the Lord's great love, we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning;" Lamentations 3:22-23

"Weeping may last for the night, but joy comes with the morning." Psalm 30:5

"In the morning, Oh Lord, you hear my voice; in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait in expectation." Psalm 5:3


  1. Being realistic about your faith and your walk with God is one of the best and most encouraging ways to show people the whole process. Thanks for being vulnerable. :)

  2. i miss her so much, i still have bad days, and i can imagine how much more intense your pain is. keep holding ya

  3. You are such a blessing. Kinley will never be forgotten by so many of us. Heaven is so much sweeter just knowing she'll be there to greet each one of us. Love you and keeping you in my prayers. I continue to trust that God has great blessings in store for both of you. - Aunt Tee Tee

  4. Each day I pray that peace will fill your heart and you will suffer no more. You are an amazing mother, Erica.

    "I leave you peace; my peace I give. I do not give it to you as the world does. So don't let your hearts be troubled or afraid." John 14:27

  5. I pray for you everyday and you are so real about your struggles and your faith. You are truly an inspiration to me, I have been in your shoes and reading your blog has kept me going when sometimes I don't want to. Thank you and you are an amazing mother! God bless you