Next Step?

Yesterday was a tough day.

We had already learned over the weekend that our recent IUI had failed. I was scheduled for another doctor's appointment on Monday morning. I went in, fully expecting the same routine... do an ultrasound and some blood work, talk to the doctor, hear that we should try another IUI. In the back of my mind I considered that maybe the doctor would be leery of another IUI and would suggest we move ahead to IVF. Jacob and I had discussed that possibility and were prepared to make the decision to move forward if it was necessary.

I was not shocked when the doctor said that he didn't feel that an IUI would be wise for us to try again. He had given me as high of a dose of medicine as he would ever give me for as long of time as possible and he didn't feel that the results were good enough to merit spending that kind of time and money again. Even with these high doses and the added Lupron, I just did not respond well to the medicine. (Basically there were still too few "good" follicles.)

However, I was caught completely off guard by what he said next. He said that because he would use the exact same medicine regimen for IVF, he also didn't feel like IVF would be a wise choice for us. For those who haven't been through infertility, basically IVF was what we held up in the back of our minds as our last option....if all else fails, IVF will give us the best shot. Most women have a 50-60% chance of IVF being successful. To my shock, the doctor said that he would give me only about a 20% chance of success with IVF. He said while it would be my "best shot", it would be a lot of money to spend for something that he didn't really feel would be successful.

He suggested that we do one of two things....

1) Decide to try the IVF if we really feel that we want to do everything we can to give it our best shot at success. He reminded me though, that this would be a lot of money for a low chance at success.

2) Go back on to the low dose of Tamoxifen that I had taken before. He said I could try this "month after month and hope that one day we get lucky and it works". He said my chances would be about 5-10% each month.

I was in shock. I had just heard that there was a low chance of me ever becoming pregnant again. Impossible....no, unlikely....yes. I felt very much as though the doctor was "throwing in the towel".

I spent yesterday hurt, sad, depressed even. I felt like I'd just taken the second worse blow in my life. Would I really never be a mother again? I was angry (more to come on this later.) I was confused. I was beaten down. I was questioning. I was lost. I didn't know where we would possibly go from here.

Today I'm still very sad. I'm still confused and I still have no idea what is next for us. I'm also still very scared. As usually happens though, the more rational Erica woke up this morning. Today I'm ready to consider our options and to make decisions. Obviously all the emotions I was feeling yesterday are still there, but I can see through them better today.

In short, Jacob and I desperately need your prayers. We have major life decisions to make. In order to have our own biological children.....we NEED a miracle! We simply won't have another baby without a miracle from God. I also need you to pray that through this process we won't become bitter towards God.

(By the way, sometimes I absolutely do feel angry at God. I know that there are people who don't agree with that, but anger is an emotion that arises. I know that God is good, I know that he is not the author of evil. My rational self knows this, but I am human. I get angry with God and I believe whole-heartedly that He understands how and why I feel that anger more than any person on earth can. I don't, however, want to let that anger turn into bitterness or linger for too long.)

Jacob and I feel certain that God would not have placed this STRONG desire for children into our hearts unless He fully intended for us to have children. We're not certain what that family will look like, when it will come, or how we will get there. We have not give up hope, but we do need direction!

Please pray with us as we consider the following...

-Should we get a second opinion?

-Should we do the IVF knowing that our chances are lower than most couples? There is a large part of us that feels like we have to give it our "best shot"!

-If we do decide to go forward with IVF, where will the funding come from? Are we willing to put ourselves into debt for this?

-Is adoption our best option at this point? If so, where do we start? What do we do? Where will the funding come from?

-Are there other options that we need to consider? (egg or embryo donation?)

Thank you again for taking this journey with us!! I know that so many of you are praying for us!!!!

Anger

Warning this is another of my very raw, very real posts!

Today we found out that our most recent fertility attempt failed. I have been doing better each month at handling that news, but this one was tough.

I started the month off praying, not that the IUI would work, but that if this was God's timing everything would go well. I also prayed, that if not, God would not allow the cycle to be "smooth". I just asked Him to give me some clues that it's not time yet....a bad blood test, not many follicles, a difficult IUI, just something to clue me in.

The entire cycle went perfectly. Everything went great and looked great right up until today. I had almost allowed myself to believe that it had actually worked and I was pregnant. Then all hope was shattered again.

I was upset, I was frustrated, I was disappointed, I was angry! I cried, I prayed, I cried, I stared at the wall blankly, I cried. After a couple hours, I decided I needed to get up and do something, so I put on my worship music and started cleaning the house. As I cleared off the coffee table I, of course, came across a Parenting magazine that had come in the mail the day before. (I have NO idea why I'm still getting them anyway!)

I snapped! I got very angry...angry to the point that I literally threw the magazine across my living room and into the kitchen. It hit my refrigerator and knocked all the papers off, and I screamed. It wasn't a scared scream, it was a loud angry scream!! And then I collapsed into a heap on my floor and sobbed.

I was and still am angry at God. I'm angry that Kinley is gone. I'm angry that I can't get pregnant. I'm angry that I'm 6 1/2 hours away from most of the people who love me. But most of all, I'm angry that God allowed everything this month to go well and then didn't allow me to become pregnant. I don't understand what His purpose was for that. I may never understand.

I know that lots of time people comment on how "strong" I am, but I assure you, I'm very human!!! The truth is, I'm on the edge of losing it! I'm exhausted physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

Luckily, my angry tantrum with God today will pass. It's much like when I get angry with my husband. I may spout off in my anger, but when it's over, I know and he knows that I still love him. I'm not giving up, I'm not giving in, I'm just getting my anger out. I can't guarantee that tomorrow will be any better than today, but I know God's not done yet!!

Just a quick update because I'm in Indiana and have much more important things to do...like spending time with my beautiful nieces, having lunch with friends, and visiting with family!

After 41 needle sticks in 11 days....yes 41, I'm finally done and had two IUI's. I'm feeling pretty good and just in the "waiting" period.

We were very pleased with the results of the stimulation this time around. I ended up with 6 good follicles and they were certain that three would release. The other three were measurable and held a possibility of releasing, but they couldn't be sure. That's so much better than I've done in the past, so I was very excited!

Please keep praying that everything goes according to God's will!

Also, on a complete different note....tomorrow marks 7 months since my very first blog post and we just recently passed the mark of 10,000 views!! I'm so glad so many of you are taking time to read my blog! Thank you very very much for reading, for commenting, for praying, and for coming on this journey with me!!

Medication Update

So today I did a little bit of venting/whining to some of my family and friends. For some reason my injection sites are really sore this time around. My muscles are aching like I just ran a marathon (okay, I may be exaggerating a little since I've never run a marathon and can imagine that would probably be worse!) But, the point is I'm hurting and it's not fun. On top of that, I'm having terrible headaches. I'm assuming it's from the Lupron shot which I take in the morning because I wake up fine, but by noon it starts to hurt and gets steadily worse all day.

So I complained a little via text message and phone call to some understanding friends and family! (Sometimes a girl just needs to vent!) I felt guilty when I did it because #1) Some of them have done IVF which I know is worse than this! and #2) I would really do anything to have a baby and I did choose to do this!

So, about the time I stopped complaining my phone rang and it was my nurse with my blood test results. My levels went up, but not as much as they had hoped. She explained that they weren't concerned yet and figured I was just slow to get rolling. (This has happened to me every time!) But because we had decided to be more aggressive this time, the blood test meant a change in my medication. I'll now do two injections of the Lupron daily (one in the morning and one at night) and two injections of the HMG everyday (one in the morning and one at night).

That will teach me to complain about 2 shots a day... now I get to do 4!!!

I'm most concerned that the Lupron-induced headaches will be really bad now that I have to take two of them and that the added medication is going to quickly cost us much more money than we had planned. Please pray with us that the medication will start to work quickly and that the side-effects will decrease! Thanks so much!!

Life As I Know It...

As promised, here's the "more info" about our most current attempts at getting pregnant!

First, let me say that for those of you who have been through the full gamut of treatment, I realize that this isn't the "worst" that there is. For those of you who haven't, it's not fun, but when you really want a baby, it's not all that bad!

This is what my life looks like right now....

Okay, not my whole life, but at least a portion of it!!

In the morning, I do an injection in my stomach. I do this one myself because since it's in my belly, I can see to do it. It's not bad at all, although it is leaving bruises. This is a micro-dose injection of Lupron. (This is the same medication that I was given an injection of a year ago to induce a menopause-like state. However, in this much smaller dose it works differently.) The point of the Lupron is to keep me from ovulating on my own, which means they can "stimulate" for more days and allow more follicles to mature. Like I said, this shot is in my stomach and I use a very small needle. Actually I use this needle...

It's only about a 3/4 inch needle and it's similar to those used for insulin injections.

Then each night we do a second injection. I say "we" because I can't do this one by myself. It's given in my "hip" (which really means my butt!) It's a much larger needle and it hurts much worse!! As you can see from the first picture, I'm mixing 2 vials of dissolvent solution with 4 amps of medication. 4 amps of HMG is the most that they will give me for an IUI, so it's a pretty high dose. Oh and each of those tiny amps of medicine costs $30. Therefore, I'm injecting $120 worth of medicine each night!! This could continue for anywhere between 8 and 12 days! Yikes! (All of our Christmas money plus some is going to fund this attempt!)

The hope is that it will help to stimulate multiple follicles instead of just one or two. Like I said, Jacob does this shot for me each night. He's pretty good and most of the time it's not too bad. I'm sore in the injection spots the next day, but it's nothing major. And because we're currently out of practice on it, the last few days have been kind of tough! Here's the larger needle that we use for the night time shot.

It's a 1 & 1/2 inch needle. The lady at the pharmacy said "Are you sure this is right? Do you realize that this is a really BIG needle?" Yes I do, and thank you for pointing that out!! :)

So, that's it, that's life as we know it! I'll be going in every other day for blood work and an ultrasound to monitor how quickly I'm stimulating. When the follicles are ready, I'll be given a different shot to force my body to ovulate. Then we'll have an IUI. Please be praying that this goes according to God's plan!