Father's Day...another day to grieve. How sad is it that that's what it has become? We celebrate our Dads, we spend time with our families, we paste on smiles to get through the day, but underneath it all is a raw ache.
I hate that while other Daddy's are tucking their babies into bed for the night, laying their hand gently on their little tummies and saying their bedtime prayers, even shedding a few tears at realizing how blessed they are, my husband is laying his hand gently on the top of a headstone, saying a prayer over the gravesite of our daughter, shedding tears of pain and ache.
I hate that when the pastor asks all the Dad's to stand during service, my husband has to hesitate, think about it, and ultimately decide it's easier NOT to.
I hate it that I have to leave service in tears, stand outside for a few minutes to try to calm myself and pull it back together, and return to service hoping to just "make it through".
I hate it that we go to bed at night feeling completely exhausted. Not because we've played hard with our kids all day, but because we've spent the day trying desperately to hold in our true feelings. Last night, my muscles literally ached when I laid down in bed. I had done my best to hold it together for the day, but I was totally spent physically, emotionally, and spiritually.
I hate it that the entire day is filled with an overwhelming sense of guilt for me. Yes, guilt. I know that seems crazy, but the fact that Jacob doesn't have children is ultimately because of me. He's not the one with fertility issues, I am. I don't want to feel guilty, but on day's like Father's Day, I can't help but look at him and think "If it weren't for me, he'd have kids by now."
I hate it that each Father's Day I grasp desperately, trying to hold on to the thread of hope that maybe next year will be different. I especially hate it that many times the fear that next year will be exactly the same drowns out that hope.
I hate it that I'm sitting in front of this computer again, pouring out my heart, with tears running down my face. I hate it that many of you will read this blog post and know exactly how I feel!
I hate it that we live in a fallen world, where even holidays are often clouded by hurt. I know that we're not the only people hurting on Father's Day. There are many people who just had their first Father's Day without their Dad, many that have had too many without their Dad to even count, many children who don't have a Dad to celebrate, many Dads who don't get to celebrate with their kids.
So what is it exactly that I DON'T hate? ...
I love that I have the hope that one day Jacob will spend everyday celebrating being Kinley's Daddy. I love that for all of eternity our days will be overwhelming filled with joy and love and that no sin, no pain, no fear will cloud out that joy. I love that I have a relationship with Christ that gives me that hope!!