And we know that in all things God works for the good of those that love Him, who have been called according to His purpose.
Romans 8:28

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

A New Phase of Grief

I've been thinking a lot lately about the seasons of my grief and how I've mourned different things at different times since Kinley died. I recently heard about another grieving Mommy who's little boy would be 5 this year. It's been a really hard year for her. For some reason, 5 seems different. He'd be getting ready to go to school, he'd be playing t-ball, he'd be a big brother, he'd be learning to ride a bike, he'd be doing all the things that 5-yr old boys do. The grieving seems to never end, it changes, it gets easier, but it never ends!

At first, I really mourned not being pregnant. When I delivered Kinley I was 29 weeks pregnant, so I felt like I should still be pregnant for the next 11 weeks. I really grieved the fact that I wasn't. It was difficult to see pregnant women, I found myself reaching down to touch my belly, and I sometimes even felt "phantom" movement as if I was still pregnant.

As my due date rolled around and approached I really grieved not having my baby (of course I have been grieving that the whole time!) But this was a grief specific to giving birth and having a brand new baby. It hurt so deeply to see tiny little newborns dressed in their Christmas dresses, to attend baby dedications, to hear a baby cry.

A new stage of mourning came when all of the babies who were due around the same time as Kinley started walking. That may sound strange, but it really hit me hard to see them toddling around and think "my baby would be walking". She would have been entering the toddler stage, trying to talk, learning to walk, changing, and growing.

I've recently been feeling a much different sense of loss. Several of the mommies that had babies around when I had Kinley have now had other babies. Their babies are the big sisters or big brothers now. I see them interacting with their new siblings and I can't help but feel an aching in my heart. Not only am I mourning the fact that I'll never get to see Kinley be the "big sis", I'm also mourning the fact that I'm still not even pregnant with the little sibling.

It's so hard not to question God, not to wonder what it is that He's doing in my life, not to give in to feeling defeated and hopeless. It's hard not to feel sorry for myself. It's hard not to give in to the urge to crumble into a ball on the floor and cry. (Yes, I still feel like doing that sometimes!)

It's times like tonight that I cling to the Word of God. I put my hope in His promises, and I cry myself to sleep knowing that He has promised good to me!

He's working ALL things for my good, even the grief...
"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28

He's comforting me and using me to comfort others...
"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God." 2 Corinthians 1:3-4

He's still my HOPE...
"Against all hope, Abraham, in hope, believed and so became the father of many nations, just as it had been said to him, 'So shall your offspring be.'" ... "Yet he did not waver through unbelief regarding the promise of God, but was strengthened in his faith and gave glory to God, being fully persuaded that God had power to do what he had promised." Romans 4:18,20

In hope, I wait upon Him...
"I wait for the Lord, my whole being waits, and in his word I put my hope." Psalm 130:5

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