Job 8:21

"He will yet fill your mouth with laughter and your lips with shouts of joy." Job 8:21

Today is 10 months since my baby girl was stillborn. I can't believe it's been 10 months. In some ways, it seems like an eternity, and in some ways it seems like only yesterday. It's easy to let your mind go to the "what might have beens". Today, I'm choosing (and I really do mean choosing, because it's a choice I have to make sometimes) to look back and think about just how far I've come. My days of intense grief, the kind when I don't feel like I can get out of bed, are fewer and further between. I'm not AS scared to hope again. I'm closer to God than I think I've ever been in my life. And I laugh again....the real kind of silliness and laughter that I just couldn't bring myself to do at first. Case in point.....

The Crum's are here visiting and we are having so much fun! Here's just a snapshot of our first day together in Knoxville.

Lunch Dowtown

A trip to the Sunsphere, where Becca discovered a new hat!

The sticker says "It's a Puppy!" We don't know why! But we stuck it on Becca's back and she didn't know it until we got home! :)

And some GREAT fun at the Candy Factory...notice how much fun Jacob is having!

My point is, I still miss Kinley every day! I would much rather have had her here with us today to share all of these things with her, but God does "yet fill your mouth with laughter". I can still have a really good day, and I did!

Thank you God for a wonderful family and for this "glimpse" of the fun and laughter that we'll someday enjoy WITH Kinley in Heaven.

"A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones"

Proverbs 17:22

By the way, I love it when you comment! Just don't forget to sign your name if you leave a comment as "Anonymous"... I don't know who you are if you don't! :)

"Bad" day

I started this blog because I wanted to be an encouragement. I wanted people to be able to read my story and be uplifted, challenged, and find their faith strengthened. But, I also wanted it to be real. The reality is that somedays I just don't feel like being encouraging. Somedays I feel like life's not fair. Somedays I feel like I'm so tired from being strong that I can't possibly go on another day. Somedays I feel like the fight in me is just gone!

If I'm being honest, I have to tell you that I'm not always strong. I don't wake up everyday with a scripture in my heart and a song of praise on my lips.....I mean, really, does anyone? Kinley's been gone for almost ten months and there are still days that I don't want to get out of bed. I want to crawl back under the covers and cry. I want to scream at God and tell Him how incredibly unfair it is that I don't have my baby with me. I want to ask Him why He would allow me to struggle with infertility then finally get pregnant only to have her taken from me. I want to know why I'm left to question whether I will ever have a crying baby to hold.

I had one of these "bad" days this past week. I just couldn't shake it. I wanted to cry and I wanted to be mad. I didn't want to hear people tell me that "God still has a plan" or that "His timing is perfect". I wanted to be MAD!! Anyone who couldn't see that just clearly had not been in my shoes. It's not that I don't believe those things, because I do, I just didn't want to hear them.

Okay, so why share this with you all? I guess I just want people to know that sometimes it's okay not to be okay. God sees your pain, He knows your heart, and I believe He understands and even feels what you feel. I think He hurts with you. The point is, you can tell Him how you feel, you can cry all day if you need to, you can yell and scream and be angry. Just don't turn your back on Him, don't let go of His hand.

The great thing is that when you can't cry another tear and the anger seems to have faded some, He'll still be there. I ended my "bad" day with some alone time with God. I put on worship music and while my husband slept upstairs, I decided to stay in prayer and worship until I felt something "give". I did more crying and more questioning, and then I felt that perfect peace. The same peace that covered my hospital room during my labor and delivery and the hours we had with Kinley. I recognized that peaceful feeling and went straight to bed and SLEPT!

And guess what? The sun came up the next day, and it was a new day! It wasn't a perfect day and I wasn't instantly healed of all my hurt and pain, but it was a new day! Thank God for new days and new seasons!!

"Because of the Lord's great love, we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning;" Lamentations 3:22-23

"Weeping may last for the night, but joy comes with the morning." Psalm 30:5

"In the morning, Oh Lord, you hear my voice; in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait in expectation." Psalm 5:3

Prayers Needed

Hey everyone....

Without giving too much detail, I could really use your prayers today. I feel like every time I get good news, I get bad news soon after! If you could just say a quick prayer for me today, I would really appreciate it. I'm crying out for God's will for my life, and asking Him to meet my hearts desires. I need Him to show me that He's still working and to be honest, I could just use a good dose of some good news!!! We could also just really use a little relief in our finances. We have some big expenses this week that now look like they're going to get bigger. We would really like for that NOT to happen! Thanks, I really appreciate it!!!

And The Blessings Keep Coming

Anyone who's been through any sort of fertility treatments knows that it can get very expensive very fast! Of course, it starts out fine, $10 for a 5-day supply of Clomid was all that the first several "tries" cost. Then when that doesn't work, you start down a path that gets very costly! Jacob and I are currently staring at an expensive path (although not nearly as expensive as it can get, it's kind of like slippery slope that only gets worse!) Anyway, the point is even with his new job our finances are tight and we're doing some major cutting back!

Since he's working swing shift right now and we don't really get much time together, we really wanted to do something fun today. We took some time last night to search some cheap options in Knoxville and decided to go downtown and browse the Farmer's Market. It was a beautiful day in Knoxville and I'm so glad we decided to go downtown! So after running some errands, we finally made it downtown and walked around for a little while. We noticed that it was noon and we were hungry, so we started looking for a cheap lunch option. I had a $20 bill in my purse, and we didn't want to go over that amount.

We finally decided on this cute little restaurant in Market Square that had a sign that said General Tsao's Chicken was on lunch special for $5.99....I was sold! When we went in, the owner happened to be standing there and seated us outside and took our drink orders. When he came back, we had a couple questions, (Jacob is a VERY picky eater for those who don't know!) so we started talking to the owner and discovered that he was from Indiana! He was just as thrilled with our common thread as we were and ended up bringing us out two free appetizers. They were delicious by the way! After about half of the appetizer and probably about half of my meal, I was stuffed and completely satisfied. He came back again and asked about dessert, which we declined not only because we were full, but because we didn't want to spend the money. He smiled at us and said "I'll just bring you one little dessert on me!" So he gave us the most incredible raspberry cheesecake (rivaling Cheesecake Factory)!!! What a sweet, sweet man! When the check came I noticed that he also had not charged me for my drink. Our grand total for this wonderful three-course meal was $15.00. And to top it off, I had plenty left-overs for tonight's dinner too!

The best part about this is that this man didn't know anything about our situation. He had no idea how much money I had in my purse. He was totally clueless to our situation, but God knew and he used this sweet man to bless us! We had such a good time sitting out under the umbrella in downtown Knoxville, eating our lunch, talking, and listening to live music. Thank you God for the wonderful blessing!!!! And thank you Javier at Cocoa Moon in downtown Knoxville for your kindness to stangers!!

A Lovely Night

Okay so I'm trying to look on the bright-side of being here in Knoxville as much as I possibly can, so here's a few positives from tonight....

1) My husband and I spend so much more quality time together. Not more time in general because he works ALL the time. But the time we do have together is much more quality. Mostly because I have no one else to talk to or do anything with all day, so I'm super-excited to have a friend! He's becoming my friend again....I mean we used to be friends, but somewhere in marriage and losing a child we kind of lost that for awhile. But it's coming back!!

2) Knoxville has a dollar theater and it's only a few miles from our house! I love going to the movies, but I do always feel a little guilty because it's so darn expensive. I often leave and think, well it was good, but I could have waited for it to come out on video. So, how awesome to pay $4.00 to see the movie!! AND a large popcorn and large drink were only $5.00. A good night out for us for under $10! NICE!!

3) We looked online for something to do tomorrow and found out that the Farmer's Market is downtown on Wednesday mornings. So....we're going tomorrow morning. How fun is that?

4) To top it off, we saw a beautiful big rainbow stretched clear across the Knoxville sky. What a true "glimpse of Heaven" that is! A reminder of God's promise and a reminder that He keeps His promises. He's made me some promises and I haven't seen them fulfilled yet, but He will KEEP His promises!!! And in the meantime, I'm becoming friends with my husband again and having a little fun in the process!

Good Night!!

Please listen to the song that plays on my blog. My wonderful husband wrote the lyrics shortly after our sweet Kinley went to be with Jesus. My cousin and his good friend, Craig Meinhart, wrote the music and recorded the song for us. It's absolutely beautiful and means so much to us!! Let us know what you think!!!

Grow Up In Heaven

Lyrics by Jacob Crum

Music and Vocals by Craig Meinhart

Verse 1

This wasn’t our plan

You fit in my hand

I’m blessed to say

I saw an angel today

Verse 2

Your first steps will be on golden streets

Footprints left from still blackened feet

Forever won’t be that long

I wish I could sing you this song

Chorus

As you, grow up in Heaven

All your life’s been lived

All your purpose is done

I sacrifice the right to hold my little girl

Verse 3

I’m free falling into nothing

Reaching out for life’s shadow

Time would have shown who you’d be

And I’m left to guess how you’ll grow

Bridge

This temporary is shorter than it seems

So trade the lost memories for a chance to dream

Of a place celebrating a baby born asleep

Chorus

As you, grow up in Heaven

All your life’s been lived

All your purpose is done

I sacrifice the right to hold my little girl

Brenna-Sized Faith

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future. Then you will call unto me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." Jeremiah 29:11-13

This scripture has been running through my head for the last couple days and for a minute it's comforting, He has a plan, He knows what He's doing. But it's generally been followed by the questioning and even anger.....Is this really Your plan? What good is coming from this? Why did I finally get pregnant if I wasn't going to get to "keep" her? Why am I in Knoxville away from my family and friends trying to navigate this alone? Why are my fertility attempts now failing?

Then this morning, I remembered a conversation that I had with my niece Brenna last week. She asked me when Kinley gets to "come back" and I started to remind her that she won't get to come back. She gave me a look that sad, "you are so confused" and said "But Etty, you said after we go to heaven, then God will make a brand new earth and we'll get to come back and she'll get to stay with us forever." We had talked a few weeks ago about heaven and she was asking me why we had to leave here and we couldn't just stay on earth, so I explained to her that someday God would make a new heaven and a new earth.

So, what does that have to do with my questioning of God....well she doesn't question! She has the faith of a child (you know, that kind of faith that we're supposed to have too?!) You tell her that God has a plan and she just trusts that He does and not only that, but that's it's GOOD. She didn't ask me why or worry about what would happen in the meantime, she's just looking forward to the promise that God gave her. And in the meantime, Brenna's living in the now and enjoying the beauty of each day that God gives her.

Now, I know she's a three-year old child and her life can't really be near as difficult or involved as ours, but she knows what suffering is. She lost Kinley when I did and it hurt her too. When I moved away, it devastated her as much as it did me. She cries when I leave too. But she also trusts us when we say "It will all work out, God has a plan!"

Let's all try today to have Brenna-sized faith. Let's try to call unto Him and really believe not only that he hears us, but that he's working on our behalf. God has a plan for me and it's so much bigger than the one that I have for myself. He's doing great things. And even if nothing in this life ever goes how I hope that it does.....isn't it worth it in the end? His ultimate plan is for us to spend all of eternity in a sin-less and perfect world.

First Official Blog Post!

Okay, so I'm giving this blogging thing a shot. This is my first official post, so please be patient with me! I have no clue what I'm doing. To get an idea of who I am and where I've been, please click on the links at the side of my page to read some of the things I've written since losing our sweet baby girl.

My hope is that through this blog I'll be able to share with you what I'm going through, how I feel, and the little Daily Glimpses of Heaven that God has given to me. Sometimes I have to look really hard and through tear-filled eyes, but they are there. God has revealed himself to me in so many ways since Kinley went to heaven. Over the next few days and months and more, I hope that I can show you what it is that He has showed me. I hope through this page I can reach out to other hurting Moms, be a Godly example, and have an outlet to vent my daily struggles, victories, and feelings.